THE SPIRIT IRRESISTIBLY MOVES PHARAOH PHRIQUE TO TESTIFY
OF FREEDOM, EQUALITY AND JUSTICE.—WHICH SHOWS THAT SATAN
CAN SOMETIMES BE EXCEEDINGLY PIOUS.—PHRIQUE OVERDOES HIS
PART AND NEARLY WRECKS THE BAMBOOZLE.—MAK TINLEY TO THE
RESCUE.
HARDLY had Carnivorous resumed his seat, when there was a great
commotion among the fleas behind. It was caused by Pharaoh Phrique, upon
whom the Spirit of Prophecy had just descended. Rising, he shouted, “I
want to testify. Oh, I shall burst if I don’t testify.”
To whom De Little Wit Blatherskite said: “Brother, nothing hinders that
thou testify. Come forward then, and testify, and the Lord be with
thee.”
Then Pharaoh Phrique hasted and ran, and tumbled over several of the
other fleas, and having made profound obeisance to the Flag, he opened
his mouth to speak, but he could not; for a great emotion seized him and
shook him, and he wept with a great weeping greatly. Whereat all the
fleas sympathetically wept also, while all the dogs wondered.
After a short time, however, he found utterance, and in broken accents
began: “Oh, Brethren, dogs and fleas; never did I fully realize until
my beloved partner, Andronicus Carnivorous, was testifying as to
what this, our glorious Flag, had done for his soul and body, the
infinite blessings it brings to us all. I said to myself, while he
was testifying, ‘Oh! If this poor God-forgotten foreigner, born under
a bloody flag, where Liberty was never heard of, where equality and
fraternity are words of incomprehensible jargon, could come here, and
in the space of a few short years could have his mind so wonderfully
enlarged and ennobled, and his soul so saturated with the sacred
principles of freedom, as he has evidenced to us to-day, Oh! what a home
of Liberty our country must be!’ And, I tell you, brethren (and it’s a
fact we nativeborners may be justly proud of), this just shows that the
very air here is Liberty, by which, the moment any one breathes it, he
is made free. And, above all, let us remember, and never forget, that
WE made this free air, and this free country; that is, OUR FATHERS and
WE. They laid the foundations of Liberty, roughly and according to the
light they had; but it was, by an all-wise Providence, who foreknew our
coming, reserved unto US—with our more acute appreciation of, and more
advanced education in, the principles of true freedom—to rear therefrom
the finished superstructure, the biggest, grandest, and most gorgeously
beautiful Temple of Liberty the world ever saw.
“And this was all perfectly natural. We are a free people, and a free
people makes free institutions. Freedom with us is an instinct. It is
born in us. It is our atmosphere, our food. It sticks out all over us. A
true born Canisvillian takes to Liberty more naturally than a duck takes
to water. Liberty is as much our attribute, as the odor is the attribute
of the rose, and, like the rose, we diffuse it wherever we move; so that
whosoever seeth us, smelleth us, or toucheth us, draweth virtue from
us, and is made free. [Tempests, whirlwinds, cyclones of applause that
nearly lift Pharaoh Phrique off his feet.]
“Thus it is, brethren, that in all this broad land there is no such
thing as a slave, never was, and never can be. A slave, or an oppressed
dog of any description here, is an anomaly we would not endure for a
moment. [Much applause from the fleas and joy amongst the dogs.]
“The great reason why this is the cradle and home of Liberty is, that
every true, native born Canisvillian—be he dog or be he flea—burns so
brightly with the sacred fire of Liberty, that he acts as though he were
the sole and only defender of his country’s rights and liberties. Here
each citizen springs spontaneously to its defense. Not a flea of us but
would spring with alacrity, at the first call of danger, to lend the
Government, at six per cent., and good security, all the wealth he has;
and I am sure that the noble patriotism of our citizen dogs is such that
not a dog would shirk to go forth to fight and die for his Country and
Flag. [Rampageous cheering by the dogs, marred by a voice, “At naught
per cent. and no security.” ]
“Oh! Brethren!” exclaimed Brother Phrique, ignoring the interruption,
that made the Bamboozling Committee look uneasily at each other, “if
there is one thing more than another that this Flag—my Flag, your
Flag—has wrought into the very fibre of my soul, it is the love
of Liberty, Justice and Fair Dealing. Oh, how my soul burns with
indignation when I read of the injustice and brutal tyranny that are
practised on the poor dogs in foreign lands—oppressions that our free
and noble dogs would not endure for a moment! Oh! I wonder they do not
rise and kill their oppressors. But they do the next best thing. They
have heard that over here is the only genuine and original Flag of
Liberty; and they come by hundreds and by thousands—escaped slaves—to
rest them under its shadow, and dwell in peace and plenty forever more,
where the oppressor ceases from troubling, and the weary are at rest.”
[A voice from afar off: “How about your Blood and Bones Grindery, and
your Devil’s Cheap Bargain Counter Dogs?” Great confusion, and a rush of
police dogs to that part, with no result.]
Here the Bamboozling Committee cast anxious glances at each other, and
hastily got together in a rear corner, and Brother Grandadhat said to
Mountebank Dephool Flea, “Oh, Chancy, Brother Phrique will wreck this
whole Bamboozle. What Evil Spirit from the Lord led that dog to ask
him that unfortunate question? Oh! that we had not allowed him to come
forward!”
And Chancy replied, “It is unfortunate, very. We must shut him off,
somehow, or he will certainly render all our Bamboozle nugatory. There
are evidently some of those thinking dogs present, damn ’em. If it had
not been for them, this hocus-pocus would have gone off swimmingly.”
“Thinking dogs present, did you say, Brother Chancy?” exclaimed
Carnivorous, shaking with fright. “Do you think there is danger of more
trouble? Hadn’t I better get away over the pond? Is there any boat
ready? Am I likely to get hurt? I have a Reputation to maintain. My
Mission and the Voice of Duty——”
“Don’t be a fool, Andy,” broke in Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley, “this
Bamboozle is no failure by a long chalk. We will get Brother Phrique out
of the way. It was a great folly and oversight on our part to let him be
put forward at this juncture. But I will tickle these dogs’ ears, and
pull wool over their eyes, and more than make up for this misadventure.”
“Canst thou save us, Brother Mak Tinley?” said Andronicus.
“You bet I can,” replied Mak Tinley. “Why, these Canisville dogs are the
most gullible fools in all creation. They are a fish that can be caught
with a bare hook every time, if only one has courage and address enough
to know how to fling it. The secret lies in lying to them with the
most tremendous sincerity and boldness. It is the triumph of mind over
matter; of intellect over brute strength.”
“Then we will get Brother Phrique off and put thee on,” said President
Dephool Flea.
So Chancy Mountebank whispered softly for a few moments unto Pharaoh
Phrique, and advised him to slow down his speech, and taper off and wind
up and retire as gracefully as he could, as he was jeopardizing the
Bamboozle.
And Pharaoh took the hint, and perorated a few minutes about the beauty
of brotherly love, of righteousness, Liberty, patriotism and the Flag;
and having made exactly one dozen obeisances to the glorious Flag of the
Free, and spent five minutes in silent and rapturous adoration of it, he
slid away to the rear, and sank out of sight, and was no more seen or
heard.