SHOWS HOW HARD IT IS TO ESTABLISH PIETY AMONGST THE
UNREGENERATE; AND ALSO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE IRRESISTIBLE
COMES IN CONTACT WITH THE IMMOVABLE.—THE BLUE
THUNDERBOLTS.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
EMINENT over all the gangs whose objects were the “saving” of dogs, was
the “Society for the Protection of the Almighty.” This was the gang of
gangs, the _elite_ of the rest, the real and truly genuine born-blinds,
live-blinds and die-blinds. It had its origin countless ages before the
founding of Canisville, and had been in all those ages the ever-ready
help of fleas in the bloody exploitation of dogs.
In the beginning did the very acute fleas discover that if dogs were
to be thoroughly and easily bled, they must be taught to close their
eyes and bow down and believe that over them stood a terrifically awful
thing, called Almighty Wrath. And in those early times most dogs _had_
closed their eyes and bowed down in fear of the Wrath that stood over
them. And the fleas had prospered mightily thereby; for they had taken
advantage of the dogs’ prostration to get on their backs in fearful
numbers; and when the dogs had howled and grown restless, they had hired
the salaried barkers of those times to bend over the dogs and pour into
their ears that it was the Will of the Almighty that they lie quiet
under the bleeding of the fleas, the penalty for disobedience of which
Will was to be stricken with lightnings and everlasting destruction.
But in spite of all the terrors, divers dogs at divers times did venture
with pitter-pattering hearts to slyly steal a look upward, and seeing
nothing real there but fleas, and salaried barkers bending low and
pouring tales of woe into the ears of prostrate dogs, did nudge their
neighbors and tell them to look up and see for themselves that there
was nothing there; which sometimes the neighbor timidly did, and was
disillusionized; but more often the neighbor dog groaned with additional
terror of the suggestion, and closed his eyes tighter than ever,
and grovelled lower, and prayed that the Almighty would forgive the
wickedness of the temptation and the audacity of the tempter.
However, in time quite a number got to furtively peeping up; and each
dog, seeing others peeping up too, grew bold, and not only looked up,
but stood up, and laughed at his own former folly and at the long lines
of foolish dogs bowed down in fear of——Nothing.
Whereupon the fleas and the barkers were alarmed and counselled together
as to what was best to be done; for they foresaw that if all the dogs
got to looking up they would see that the Almighty Vengeance was a
Fiction, and might also proceed to the impious length of casting the
fleas off their backs.
So they agreed that something strong must be done, and done quickly,
or the Almighty might be overthrown and perish. Some of the fleas
counselled that the barkers increase their diligence in assuring the
prostrate dogs of the reality of the Wrath, and use more Imagination
in the recital of his terrors. And certain barkers of naturally gloomy
minds, who loved to wander at midnight amongst the skulls and bones of
dead dogs, and to meditate until their imaginations had grown lurid,
voluntarily set themselves apart to invent more horrible attributes and
diabolical features to be affixed to the Almighty.
But some of the barkers objected that this would involve much
labor—which, as salaried barkers, they were on principle opposed
to, ease and good feed being the main object of their lives—and
they proposed to protect the Almighty by a more easy (to them) and
more reliable method. They said that the horrible inventions would
certainly be very good for the dogs which were still prostrate, and
there were, no doubt, some good, conscientious barkers to whose gloomy
minds the horrible inventions would be a labor of love; but they were
sure the horrible inventions would be too late for the dogs which had
already looked up and got to laughing. Why not turn the protection
of the Almighty over to the police dogs? Themselves would make Blue
Thunderbolts, and set the police dogs to launch them at every dog
discovered holding his head up and laughing. Thus the Almighty would be
protected, and the heavy labor of doing it would devolve on other dogs.
This proposition was received with great favor, and was deemed a worthy
supplement to the Horrible Inventions.
And it was so, that the most gloomy-minded barkers with the lurid
imaginations were set apart to invent the horrible attributes to attach
to the already too horrible Fiction with which they terrified the
prostrate dogs. These lurid-minded barkers set to with gusto and zest,
and very soon had revised and re-created him into the most bloodily
cruel, pitiless and unnatural monster of ferocity and hate towards those
who did not want to bow down to him, that the theology-debauched canine
mind had ever conceived. This they called, generically, the Character of
God. They also formulated all the particulars of the manifestation of
his imaginary cruel hate, which consisted of the most blood-freezing
terrors, damnations and eternal pains, which they called by the generic
name of Hell.
All these Horrible Inventions the other salaried barkers said were most
glorious, blessed and eternal _truths_, which had the sanction of all
true believers, and they were to be poured diligently into the ears of
all prostrate dogs.
And they did pour these blessed truths into their ears, with great
success; for many of the dogs at the recital thereof went into fits;
many went insane, and most of the rest terrifiedly burrowed deeply in
the earth in their desire to prostrate themselves still lower.
But, as had been prophesied, the up-looking dogs only laughed the more
at the great Almighty Fiction, and the poor fools who bowed down to it;
and they even barked out blasphemous words of contempt of the new woes
and the lurid-minded inventors thereof.
[Illustration]
Whereupon the lurid-minded barkers, at the request of the fleas, did
call in more effectual help for the protection of the Almighty; for
they called in the police dogs, and gave them the Blue Thunderbolts
which the other barkers had invented, and ordered them to launch them
at the contumelious dogs. Which the police dogs did. And many of those
contumelious dogs got it heavily in the neck, and fell over dead or sore
wounded; which caused the rest of them to laugh on the other side of
their mouths; for they found that although the Almighty Vengeance might
be a fiction, the Blue Thunderbolts were terrible facts.
And the Blue Thunderbolt launchers got to like the sport of keeling over
contumelious dogs; for it gratified their brutal instincts which would
otherwise have been wasted in torturing and killing other creatures, and
at the same time gave them a great reputation for piety, and zeal for
God; all which was very gratifying; _for they found it exceedingly cheap
and easy to be pious along the line of their strongest brutal impulses_.
And the salaried barkers liked it too; for it released them from the
hard labor of persuading the dogs to bow down to the profitable Almighty
Fiction.
But the lust of keeling over contumelious dogs grew so strong that it
outran the supply of dogs to be keeled over; and it often happened that
the dogs, being all prostrate and in fear, the police dogs, armed with
Blue Thunderbolts, found no one to launch them against; which they
looked upon as a most grievous grievance; and they thereupon reproached
the barkers with giving them too little to do. So the gloomy barkers,
thinking that a little extra terror might be a little extra protection
to the Almighty, besides keeping the police dogs in a cheerful frame of
mind, went about amongst the prostrate dogs, and arbitrarily picked out
many whom they charged with _thinking_ blasphemy and ridicule of the
Almighty Fiction, and by force stood them up for the launchers of Blue
Thunderbolts to knock over.
But as time went on there came from over the pond many new dogs to
Canisville who did not know anything about the Almighty Fiction or Blue
Thunderbolts, and they circulated amongst the prostrate dogs and hustled
and jostled them and laughed at them, so that the former bold dogs,
feeling encouraged, got up and laughed too; and many of the others got
ashamed of their prostration, and took a little heart, and ventured to
look up, and little by little, leg by leg, they got up and walked, and
laughed surprisedly at seeing nothing to fear but Blue Thunderbolts;
and the lazy barkers found it too much trouble to get them to lie down
again; and the police dogs, being brutal and cowardly, slunk away
ashamed and dropped their Blue Thunderbolts in dark holes and swamps
where they rotted and rusted.
And that was how the great Almighty Fiction lost his almighty grip on
the dogs and went under a cloud.
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