SHOWS THAT VIRTUE IS MUCH MORE A MATTER OF VICTUALS THAN
IS COMMONLY IMAGINED.—HOW THE REVEREND DOCTOR IMMACULATE
BARKWORST WENT OUT TO SAVE SINNERS.—SOME KINDS OF VIRTUE
MORE VICIOUS THAN VICE.
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IN process of time it was noised abroad that there existed in Canisville
a crowd of dissolute dogs, who, on the sly and in dark holes and corners
of the town, smeared themselves all over with filth at night, and danced
before other dirty dogs; which other dirty dogs would reward the dirty
dancers with a few bones.
So the dancing dogs were able to live—which, the dancing dogs said, was
the main thing in life; whereas as for Virtue, there was no wealth in
it; they could get along very nicely without Virtue, but they must have
Victuals. They said they had gone to every market and tried to exchange
their Labor for something to eat, and all the fleas and all the salaried
barkers, and even the missionary dogs, had laughed at them and uttered
some jargon about the Labor Market being Glutted, which some dogs, well
educated in foreign languages, had translated unto them to mean, that a
very great deal of Labor would buy only a very little bone with a very
little meat on it, and that all skin and gristle. They had tried to find
a place at the Handle of the fleas’ Blood and Bones Grindery, but had
with difficulty escaped being thrown into the hopper. And having nothing
but Virtue to sell for Victuals they had sold that; and, strange as it
might appear, _that_ fetched a far better price than honest toil. So,
if in the market Labor was held in such contempt, they did not see that
they were bound to hold it in reverence, and if Society made it easier
for poor dogs to be wicked than virtuous, that was Society’s look-out,
not theirs.
So the dirty dogs lived with less discomfort than honest and virtuous
dogs—that is, than those who _passed_ for honest and virtuous; for
there were multitudes of respected dogs that passed by daylight as good
and proper dogs, that sneaked away at midnight to the haunts of the
filthy dogs, to see them dance. And there were to be found there, too,
very many of the most highly respected members of the Church of the
Fleas, who took pleasure in the dances of the filthy dogs and paid good
prices for admission thereto, who wouldn’t have had the fact known for
the world.
Now, certain zealous members of the Church of the Fleas, who were gifted
with very long and sharp noses, which they were eternally poking into
business not their own, got to know of the existence and occupation of
the filthy dogs; and they were greatly scandalized thereby; for these
dogs were not only vile and depraved—which was bad—but were escaping
the tribute all dogs were divinely appointed to pay to the support of
the fleas—which was worse. Therefore, for these two reasons, were they
determined to break up their business and drive them forth to earn
their living by what they called honest toil, that is, by grinding and
fainting at the Handle of the Blood and Bones Grindery.
These good suckers were awfully “concerned for the spiritual welfare”
of these bad dogs—that is, they were awfully afraid they were _going
to Hell the wrong way_; and they were determined to drive them into the
_right_ way. So they called upon the police dogs to suppress them, to
drive them into the highways and make them “move on.” But they could
not tell the police where they were to “move on” to; and the police
didn’t know, and the comfortable dogs didn’t worry, and the rich fleas
didn’t care, and everybody else said it was none of his business; and
so everything was in a muddle, and nothing much was done, save that
occasionally one of the dirty dogs got hit on the head.
But in process of time there arose a mighty dog of a prophet that got
exceeding much meat and a great deal of soft comfort for ministering
in one of the churches of the fleas. He was the Very Reverend Doctor
Immaculate Barkworst, and he had a very much swollen head, with a bump
of self-conceit upon it that stood up like a pinnacle. And he preached
thus unto the sleek fleas:
“Brethren, ye know of this scandal of the filthy dogs in our midst,
how it is corrupting our youth and deteriorating the quality of the
honest dogs that labor; so that Labor—the noblest, the most sacred and
God-blest occupation that dogs can be called unto, and which fleas are
divinely _not_ called unto—will fall into contempt, and the revenues
of the fleas—_your_ revenues, my dearly beloved masters—will begin to
diminish.
“Oh, my dear masters! The strength and safety of our country lie in
keeping our dogs virtuous and industrious, and cultivating within them
the love of the sacred and healthily stimulating amusements of singing
psalms and muttering credos.
“But, my brethren and beloved masters, it is well known that
these scandalous dogs do mock at honest toil and Virtue, and have
irreligiously set up Victuals as the great object of life; and have,
moreover, blasphemously said that the only difference between us,
the salaried barkers, and them, is the difference in Victuals—thus
libellously and contumeliously insinuating that we do not love Virtue
more than Victuals.
“Now, my dear masters, this evil must be driven out at any cost. We have
laws to drive them out. We have every kind of driving out, moving on,
and sin suppressing society to put them down. Why are they not driven
out therefore? Because the police dogs are vile and corrupt, and “stand
in” with the filthy dogs. I denounce these police dogs, and declare that
_we_ will drive out the filthy dogs, if they won’t.”
And all the sleek and unctuous fleas said the discourse was well spoken,
and that if ever there was a true follower of the meek and lowly Jesus,
this was he. And straightway the zealous fleas gathered themselves
together and organized the “Filthy Dog Driving Out Society,” and they
made the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst, the President
thereof.
And Doctor Immaculate Barkworst again called on the police dogs in the
name of the Law and the Lord and the Driving Out Society to drive out
the filthy dogs. But the police dogs made excuses and said they were
doing the best they could; and if they could not do more it was for
want of Evidence. Whereupon the Very Reverend Immaculate waxed wroth
and said, “Dogs that ye are; ye unzealous for souls; ye cowardly for
Religion; _I_ will get Evidence.”
So the Immaculate got himself up in slouchy raiment, and taking with him
several soft-headed bow-wows, also got up in slouchy raiment, proceeded
one moonless midnight, by divers dark and devious ways (which came
natural to him), to the haunt of the filthy dogs, and having knocked at
the door, waited for admission.
Whereupon the Inside Guard of the Haunt peered through the wicket of the
door, and seeing strangers there, demanded of them, “Who are ye, and
what want ye?”
To which demand the Immaculate replied, “We be Jays and Hayseeds from a
far country, and seekers after midnight pleasures.”
“Are ye true and honest seekers?” asked the Inside Guard.
“In the name of honesty and all verity, we are,” answered the
Immaculate.
“But, how shall I know that ye are not spies?” queried the Inside Guard.
“By our proving to you,” said the Immaculate, “that we are really and
truly filthy dogs, like unto you.”
“But,” said the Inside Guard, “something about your garb seems to
indicate that thou and thy fellows are not what thou sayest ye are; that
ye are not really filthy dogs. Wilt thou swear to me that ye are
what thou sayest ye are?”
“Yea, verily, will I,” replied the Immaculate Barkworst, “I do solemnly
swear, that _I_ am a dirty dog, a very dirty dog; that in spite of
something in my garb, I am a low-down, filthy reveller from Filthville,
and that these, my pals, are as filthy as I, if not filthier. Behold,
also, we have the wherewithal to pay for seeing your sports.”
But the Inside Guard still suspiciously hesitated, and said, “Pardon me
if I seem discourteous in keeping ye thus long in the cold; but we are
such harassed and hunted dogs; there are so many Societies seeking our
destruction and scatteration, that we are obliged to be very cautious
and careful; and ye may be spies also seeking to betray us. Now, will
ye swear unto us that if we deal faithfully with you, ye will also deal
faithfully with us?”
And the Immaculate and the other sneaks replied, “We will,” and they
swore.
But the Inside Guard said to the Immaculate, “There yet seems to be
something about thee that betokens that thou hast been and lived
somewhere where the Spirit of Christ is, and may have somewhat of a
taint of that Spirit upon thee, in which case thou canst in no wise be
admitted.”
And the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst was grieved to be kept
so long at the door; and he said, “Before Heaven, I do solemnly swear
that there is no taint of that objectionable Spirit on me. The Odor
thou smellest on me is the real old honest one that belongs to an Old
Frequenter, which I am. Search me, try me, examine me, smell of me, and
thou shalt find not the slightest trace of that Spirit about me. And as
with me, so it is with these, my pals.”
And the Inside Guard called assistants, and they examined him with
strong magnifying glasses, and turned him over and inside out, and
probed him and smelt of him, and tested him chemically, and finding
no trace of the Spirit of Christ in him, and that he had told the
Truth, they said, “Pass him in; he is a genuine dirty dog like unto the
dirtiest of us, and no spy.”
So the Reverend Immaculate and the other dirty bow-wows had a high
old time; and they saw all the sports and the dances; and they made
themselves at home and hugely enjoyed the dirty revel; and never once
did any of them betray the slightest sign that they had so much as heard
of Jesus.
But afterwards, this dirty dog of a prophet got up in the Church of the
Fleas, and boasted of the things he and his fellow dirty ones had done;
of the dark and devious ways by which they had gone to the Haunt of the
filthy dogs and got Evidence; of the lies they had told and acted to
obtain an inside sight thereof; of the filth they had smeared themselves
over with to identify themselves with the filthy ones; of the risk they
had run of being caught by the police dogs and “run in,” as part of the
ungodly crew, and of the terrible plight they would have been in—had
the police dogs caught them—to explain to those undiscerning and
thick-headed animals that they were rolling in the filth for a high and
lofty moral purpose, and to the glory of God, and were breaking the law
in order to get it enforced; how they had plighted their troth with them
in order that they might gain their faith in order to violate it, and
betray them to the police dogs, to be worried and mutilated and made to
“move on.”
And all the Church of the Fleas applauded, and said he was a right
lovely dog, who had given the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth a tremendous
shove forward, and brought Society within measureable distance of the
millennium, and had shown beyond doubt, that the only truly efficacious
way of making the Blessed Gospel Chariot go, was to get the police to
push behind; and asked a special blessing upon him, and made him up a
special basketful of meat, and gave him a holiday to go across the pond
and rest, and lick himself clean.
And at their next session, the “Filthy Dog Driving Out Society,”
resoluted the following resolutions:
“_Whereas_: Our beloved and right morally lovely servant, the Very
Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst, has, at immense risk of, and peril
to his own virtue, and with a great sacrifice of Truth and Honesty,
explored the Haunt of Vice in our midst, and turned thereupon a great
light, and has caused the vile inhabitants thereof to be chased out by
_Law_, to “move on” and die and rot—as they do most richly deserve—and
has given us a clean city once more;
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“_Resolved_: That we approve his methods; and,
“_Resolved_: That we hold it to be an irrefragable truth, that the End
always justifies the Means, and that any follower of Jesus may lie in
the cause of Truth; may crawl through the foulest and most stenchful
sewer in the interest of Purity; may break the Law to get Evidence of
its breach by others; may break the most solemnly plighted faith with
sinners in order to trap them into the meshes of the Law; may do all
manner of evil that good may come of it. And finally be it
“_Resolved_: That the relentless infliction of the penalties of the Law
is the only effective remedy for Sin, and the only sure way of making
sinners love God; and that He who said, ‘Neither do I condemn thee; go
and sin no more,’ was a good-hearted and very well-meaning person, and
all very well for those antiquated days; but for these enlightened and
progressive days, there is nothing like a well-organized police.”
But when the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst returned from
over the pond, it was found that the fresh air of Heaven had not quite
removed the evil odor of him; for some of the filth with which he
had smeared himself still stuck to him and made him disagreeable to
decent dogs and all save the fleas of the church and the multitudinous
Societies like his own; and in _their_ nostrils his stenchful odor was a
sweet smelling savor.
And as for the bow-wows that smeared themselves with him, they never
were able to wash themselves quite clean again; and it was afterwards
found that one of them who had sworn that he was a dirty dog had sworn
truly.
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