ONE-EYED ELDER BERRY IS JEALOUS OF LOVELY ANTHONY.—HIS
PHILOSOPHY AND LOGIC.—HIS PLAN TO SAVE LITTLE BOW-WOWS
AND HOW IT WORKED.—REMARKABLE SUCCESS OF THE SOCIETY IN
_not_ PREVENTING CRUELTY.
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AMONGST the multitude that did gather to the worship of Saint Anthony
the Lovely was one of the many Chaos Menders. He also had a well
embalmed brain, and had but one eye which had the singular optical
property of turning every visible object in the universe into the image
of a poor, suffering little bow-wow. And when he smelt the incense and
heard the hymns of adoration and saw the worshipful prosternation to
Lovely Anthony, the bile of envy suffused his noble features and turned
his little bow-wow-seeing solitary eye a green of emerald hue, that
grew more green with envy with every moment’s duration of the adoration
of Anthony. And one of the adoring barkers, who was less intent and
absorbed in his devotions than the rest, observing him, said unto him:
“Brother Elder Berry, why are thy features suffused; and why is thine
orb of vision so green? Art thou in an unsanitary state? Art thou sick?
Hast thou a Crisis? Tell me, for thou alarmest me!”
And the One-eyed Elder Berry answered and said: “I am not sick; I am not
in an unsanitary state; I am only grieved; grieved for the foolishness
of these adoring simpletons in worshiping this illogical Anthony
Thumpem Clubstock. Why all this idiotic fuss over his tom-fool trying
to reform hardened old dogs who are eternally fixed in the ways of Vice
and Sin? No one but a stark, stamping, staring fool would try to untwist
a twisted old apple tree with screws and levers and chains. None but a
supreme fool would try it. The only wise way is to train the little,
growing, pliable sapling and shape it exactly as you want it. That is
Wisdom’s way; that is _the_ way; that is _my_ way; that is the only
adorable way; and were this assembly wise they would now be worshipping
ME, the Sin Preventer, and not paying idolatrous adoration to this
strange god of a Dog Catcher, for I am the only original and genuine Sin
Curer; all others are bogus and counterfeit; my name is blown in on the
bottle, and see that you get it, and take no other; protected by letters
patent, and all infringers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the
law.”
“And what wouldst thou do, dear Elder Berry?” asked the barker. “Thou
speakest but in figure.”
“Do?” replied the One-eyed, “Seest thou not, thou two-eyed barker, that
it is the depraved _little_ bow-wows that need the Vice-Suppressor’s
care rather than the old and hardened ones? Keep the young and tender
ones from going wrong and there’ll be no old dogs going wrong, and no
Vice to suppress. Let me trace the Genesis of Vice. I have applied mine
Eye to the matter, and I find it begins with the horrible cruelty of
those depraved and hungry dogs sending their little ones abroad from the
parental kennels into the streets to scratch for bones and scraps. No
old dogs with any heart would be so wicked as to drive out those tender
and helpless little dears thus to scratch. It is mere hungry greed on
their parents’ part; it is immoral; it is cruel; it is destructive to
Society in every way. The little bow-wows thus get acquainted early
with the wickedness of the streets; and in the fierce struggle of life
their tender health, both of body and mind, is destroyed. Their dear
little bodies are fatigued, and their desires after better things are
chilled, benumbed and destroyed. Thus have they no mind to walk betimes
in Wisdom’s ways and mind Religion young. And, more awful still, their
constitutions being early undermined, they grow up puny, feeble, ill
nourished and thin blooded; so that they are not properly capable of
doing their full duty at the Handle of the Mill or of yielding their due
amount of blood to the fleas God has appointed them to carry.
“This greed of their parents ought to be—must be—curbed, and this
cruelty to the little bow-wows and wrong to Society brought to an
end. Behold the fleas, now; _they_ set a beautiful example; _they_ do
not greedily send out _their_ little ones to help suck blood; _they_
protect, nurture, watch over them, educate them and give them all
advantages until they are big enough and strong enough to suck for
themselves; and the consequence is they grow up to be honored and
respected members of Society. All this hath mine eye seen.
“Here is the root of the evil. Now, this Lovely Anthony strikes not at
the _root_ of the evil; he strikes only at the _fruit_; and therein he
is off his head and far removed from his base; and therefore are these
barkers and Monstrous Fleas off _their_ heads and far removed from
_their_ bases, in worshiping him. But when they see my method they will
worship _me_ instead, if they know a good thing when they see it.”
And when the adoration of Lovely Anthony was over, Brother Elder Berry,
the One-eyed, and his friend the barker, did consult together, and
did call in several of the other barkers to the consultation; and the
proposed method of the One-eyed found favor in their eyes, and they
helped him to form a Gang of Saviors, which they baptized with the name
of “The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Little Bow-wows.” And
they spake unto Pup McPoodle, and he gave police dogs unto the One-eyed
Elder Berry, that he might have power to club and batter and hammer
the heads of all such as might seek to prevent him preventing cruelty.
And the Monstrous Fleas, hearing of this most praiseworthy attempt to
improve the blood of dogs, and to add more vigor to those who turned
the Handle, sent him their most sincere invocation of God’s blessing
upon him, and the assurance of their most earnest desire to co-operate
with him, by large donations of wealth, or any other form of assistance
they might be able to render.
And the One-eyed Elder Berry and his gang did much infest the streets of
Canisville; and they picked up many little bow-wows that did scratch in
the streets, and spake austerely to them, and told them they mustn’t;
and they made the little bow-wows tell who were the wicked parents that
had, because of greed, sent them out; and they went and spake austerely
unto those parents, and told them they mustn’t; and when those parents
explained that they were very hungry and did themselves scratch for
bones and scraps all day in the streets, and even then did not find
enough to stay their hunger, and could not appease the hunger of the
little bow-wows, they rebuked them austerely, and told them their hunger
was all greed and cruelty to the little bow-wows, to whom they owed more
affection and duty, and that really they mustn’t any more. So they made
the little bow-wows stay within their holes and corners, where they
hungered and perished, for the old bow-wows could not maintain them.
Whereupon the little fleas and the big fleas and the Monstrous Fleas did
give the One-eyed Elder Berry a hint that this kind of prevention of
cruelty was not working well, and tended to diminish the supply of dogs
and bring to pass the prevention of Dividends—which was a prevention
they could not sanction under any consideration at all.
Therefore the One-eyed Elder Berry did desist from catching the poor
little starving bow-wows in the street, in the day time; and his vision
of being one day set on high and worshiped, as was Anthony the Dog
Catcher, grew dim. But certain of his gang advised him that certain
moderately plump and comfortable little bow-wows had been seen going at
night to certain places, to dance for a few minutes for a good basketful
of meat, to amuse certain of the Canisvillians.
“Ah! Say ye so?” exclaimed the One-eyed Berry, as his one eye bulged and
lit up with the phosphorescent glow of hope of immortal fame, “dancing
by little bow-wows, did ye say? Why, here is Sin, concentrated Iniquity,
hydraulically pressed, rammed and condensed Wickedness, enough, under
any favorably accidental expansion, to poison the whole moral atmosphere
of Canisville, and kill us all. And to think that these tender and
immature bow-wows are set to enact it all.”
And he diligently inquired where this evil might be found; and they told
him, and he hied himself thither, and sat and saw the little bow-wows
dance; and his eye bulged with horror as he perceived that the little
bow-wows loved the dance, and were delighted with the large reward for
the little work, which enabled them to take more to the kennels of their
parents in one night than the parents could scratch up in the streets in
a month.
And his horror grew still more when he found by visits to their kennels
that these parent dogs were having much easier times than other dogs,
through the efforts of these little bow-wows, which, on their part, grew
plump and well-to-do.
This, said he, was cruelty of the cruellest sort, to turn these poor
little tender innocents out _at night_—and worse—_to dance_, which
was more exhausting to their vitality and—what was of infinitely more
moment—_their morals_, than any amount of hungry scratching in the
streets for bones and scraps.
But the parent dogs and others said it was not so; the little bow-wows
were well nourished and well sheltered and protected from the storms and
tempests, and hunger and wickedness of the streets, and were infinitely
better off than the poor unfortunate bow-wows of the famishing wretches
that did grind at the Handle of the Mill, that were thrown into the
hopper to satisfy the blood greed of his dear friends, the Monstrous
Fleas.
All which failed to move him to the right or left of his righteous
determination to suppress cruelty to small bow-wows; for he set his
police dogs to prevent these little ones dancing. Which they did.
And the little ones no more received good basketfuls for a little
work, and they and the parent dogs did starve in their kennels, until
compelled to go out _into the wicked streets_, and scratch from early
morning until midnight for awfully meatless bones, or until the old dogs
were compelled to fling them into the hopper of the Mill, as a fee to
the Monstrous Fleas, to be allowed to grind and drop dead at the Handle.
Thus did the One-eyed Elder Berry prevent cruelty to little bow-wows.
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