JOY AMONGST THE SALARIED BARKERS OVER SAINT ANTHONY
THE DOG CATCHER.—APOTHEOSIS OF ANTHONY.—MARVELLOUS
EFFLORESCENCE OF HIS GREAT BUMP.—RECEIVES GREAT PRAISE
FROM THE MONSTROUS FLEAS.
[Illustration]
NOW when the Church of the Fleas had diligently considered Lovely
Anthony the Dog Catcher for awhile, they said one to another, “Lo! The
Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.”
And the salaried barkers said amongst themselves, “Behold, a powerful
helper in the Vineyard! Now shall _our_ labors be easy and our burdens
light. Now will it not be so hard to persuade dogs to come to the Means
of Grace. No longer shall we have merely our labor and sweat for our
pains. Now shall we gather in the erring by wholesale, for with Lovely
Anthony to twist their tails for us they will more easily see the error
of their sinful ways. No longer shall our ‘Missions’ be filled with
empty benches. No longer will those depraved loafers dare to make
grievous faces at our Missionaries. No longer shall Vice stalk abroad
hindering and nullifying the irresistible Gospel; for God hath now the
valuable help of the police. Things are as they should be, and the lines
are fallen unto us in pleasant places. Thank God for Anthony.”
And the salaried barkers of the Church of the Fleas did send messengers
unto the dwelling place of the Lovely Anthony, to reverently inquire of
him when it would be convenient to him to come down and be made a god
of. And Anthony the Dog Catcher was graciously pleased to appoint a day,
and they brought him to the Sanctuary and set him on high and burnt
incense and sang praises unto him and prostrated themselves before him
and hailed him as their Dexter Bower and their Sinister Bower and their
Great Labor Saver, the great Sin Killer and Bringer-in of the
Millennium.
And they put upon his head a golden crown, and in his paws a hammer of
iron and fetters of brass, crying “Hail! King of Depravity Squelchers!
With these tools shalt thou bring in the Kingdom of Righteousness and
Love!”
And Lovely Anthony the Dog Catcher and Depravity Squelcher was
graciously pleased with their homage, and smiled and felt good, and held
up his head; when lo! on the top thereof, on the spot marked on human
skulls by creatures called phrenologists as the bump of Self-Conceit,
there appeared an elevation which, throbbing and swelling like unto
“rising” dough, grew and grew until it reached half a cubit in height
and burst into flower; at which wonderful moment the sun did shine
through the window full upon him. Whereupon there fell upon the adoring
barkers a great awe; and they said these signs were Heaven’s seal set
unto Lovely Anthony’s patent new method of bringing in the Kingdom of
Heaven upon earth.
Then did the salaried barkers send around to the Monstrous Fleas and
pray them to come along at once and see the great and divinely appointed
Sin Killer and pay him their worshipful respects. But the Monstrous
Fleas returned answer that they had a great work to do, and could not
come around; that they exceedingly regretted that they were just then so
excessively busy filling their paunches with blood, and trying to hold
themselves up to the requisite standard of tight plethora, that they
could not come down, and that they sent their highest regards to their
Heaven-sent friend and Society Saviour, with their loftiest approval of
and profoundest admiration for his new method of holding bad, depraved
and vicious dogs with their noses towards Virtue and the open church
doors—which was, they said, absolutely necessary to the Safety of
Investments and the Regularity of Dividends, to say nothing of the
saving of poor dogs’ precious and immortal souls which lay very near to
their hearts—and that if the Lovely Anthony could spare a few moments
and step around to see them as they sat about the Tank, why they would
be very happy to worship him for a few moments.
And it was so. And Lovely Anthony did step around to see them, and
the Monstrous Fleas inclined their heads as they drank, and gave him
the assurances of their most distinguished consideration and promises
of unlimited contributions of wealth to his great and noble work. And
Anthony was much pleased with their homage and the blessed evidences of
their love for him; and the elevation on the top of his head went up
another half cubit and bore several flowers.
And the Monstrous Fleas showed him to the dogs that did grind at the
Handle; who did droop their heads and tremble with awe of him, and make
solemn resolutions within themselves to be good and nevermore think evil
of the Monstrous Fleas that had been divinely appointed to drink the
blood they had been divinely appointed to grind out for them.
[Illustration]