"Oh, thou that pinest in the imprisonment of the Actual, and criest
bitterly to the gods for a kingdom wherein to rule and create, know
this of a truth, the thing thou seekest is already with thee, 'here
or nowhere,' couldst thou only see!"--_Carlyle._
The very next morning the letter was written and the money sent for the
new paper.
Mrs. Reade came over on one of her bird-like errands, and of course,
must hear something of the great help that had come so unexpectedly.
"How fortunate it came just now, for I have noticed several weeks you
have been losing courage, and as for myself, I don't seem to know what
to do in any case any more," she exclaimed, after hearing a few extracts
read from the paper. "Now you will find out who the teacher is and--"
"I shall go away to take lessons as soon as possible," interrupted Mrs.
Hayden. "Yes, I must go," she continued, "and see what there is in it. I
have already experienced too much physically and spiritually to be able
to give it up."
"Indeed, you have certainly had as much of a proof as one could wish. If
I could only do as much as you have, I should feel that it would be
better to go without many other things rather than this."
Mrs. Reade forgot that she had been able to keep little May in perfect
health; that she herself had ceased worrying over trifles and learned to
make the best of everything. To her, the change had been so gradual
that she hardly knew in what it consisted. In the meetings held by the
few who were interested she had, unconsciously almost, given many
glimpses of her private efforts and success, which showed how faithfully
she used what light she had.
"I wonder what Mrs. Grant would say to this," she resumed, after looking
over the paper. "I think she ought to take this paper, too. Of course, I
expect to read yours," with an arch smile.
"As you certainly may, I will let you have this number this afternoon; I
can't spare it yet. You can't imagine the abyss I fell into yesterday.
It seemed that I had not only lost the ability to hold myself up, but
the self respect that would help to regain my footing."
"'It is always darkest before the dawn', they say," quoted Mrs. Reade,
merrily, "and now the dawn of our delivery is at hand, we shall know
what to do before the twilight comes again. But I came after your jelly
mold and must not stand here all day talking about things so utterly
unlike--well, good-bye! I can hardly tear myself away when I talk with
you," and she ran out with a gay smile.
Nearly every week these last few months Mrs. Hayden, Mrs. Reade, Mrs.
Grant and occasionally one or two others had met to read and talk on the
all-absorbing topic and gain confidence and strength by an exchange of
ideas and experiences; but they knew not how to draw from the fountain
of knowledge itself, and while they had learned much and gained much,
there was a lack which, in the moment of trial, they knew not how to
supply.
In a few days Mrs. Hayden received the coveted information as to the
identity of the wonderful teacher, and that she was to teach several
classes in Marlow, only two hundred miles away, which quite set her on
fire with impatience to go at once.
But circumstances were not propitious. There were many details to be
arranged, much to be considered. What should be done with the children?
Could she afford it? What could she wear? In her eagerness she could
have overcome every obstacle within an hour, but her better judgment
told her to be patient a little longer, a decision her husband quite
approved.
In the meantime she tried to live more faithfully up to the light she
had received, but the first flush of faith that had brought forth the
works, seemed gone, and she knew not how to bring it back. Not that she
was not just as earnest, not that she had lost a whit of her faith or
interest, but the fire of impulse, unclouded by doubt, had disappeared.
She thought about it every leisure moment, but concluded at last to let
go such intense effort that must necessarily be blind, and live more in
the "holy carelessness of the eternal Now," as George MacDonald so
beautifully expressed it in his book she was reading.
In one respect she fared as comparatively few women do, who hunger after
spiritual things; she had her husband's full sympathy and co-operation.
Afterward, when she had seen more of the world and knew more about other
women's lives, she realized the value of it, realized that without it
she would have starved before she could have feasted. Oh, the sweet
influence of a sympathy that unites and harmonizes two natures, no
matter how opposite in character and tendencies.