SPECIAL CASES AND DIRECTIONS FOR LOVE TO GODLY PERSONS AS SUCH.
_Tit. 1. Cases of Conscience about Love to the Godly._
Whom we must take for godly I answered before, chap. xxiv. tit. 1.
quest. v.
_Quest._ I. How can we love the godly when no man can certainly
know who is sincerely godly?
_Answ._ Our love is not the love of God, which is guided by
infallibility; but the love of man, which is guided by the dark and
fallible discerning of a man. The fruits of piety and charity we
infallibly see in their lives; but the saving truth of that grace
which is or ought to be the root, we must judge of according to the
probability which those signs discover, and love men accordingly.
_Quest._ II. Must we love those as godly, who can give no
sensible account of their conversion, for the time, or manner, or
evidence of it?
_Answ._ We must take none for godly, who show no credible
evidence of true conversion, that is, of true faith and repentance:
but there is many a one truly godly, who through natural defect of
understanding or utterance, are not able in good sense to tell you
what conversion is, nor to describe the manner in which it was wrought
upon them, much less to define exactly the time or sermon when it was
first wrought, which few of the best christians are able to do;
especially of them who had pious education, and were wrought on in
their childhood. But if the covenant of grace be wisely opened to them
according to their capacity, and they deliberately, and soberly, and
voluntarily profess their present assent and consent thereto, they do
thereby give you the credible evidence of a true conversion, till you
have sufficient contrary evidence to disprove it. For none but a
converted man can truly repent and believe in God the Creator,
Redeemer, and Sanctifier, according to the baptismal covenant.
_Quest._ III. But what if he be so ignorant that he cannot tell
what faith, or repentance, or redemption, or sanctification, or the
covenant of grace is?
_Answ._ If you have sufficient evidence that indeed he doth not
at all understand the essentials of the sacramental covenant, you may
conclude that he is not truly godly; because he cannot consent to what
he knoweth not: _ignorantis non est consensus_; and if you have
no evidence of such knowledge, you have no evidence of his godliness,
but must suspend your judgment. But yet many a one understandeth the
essentials of the covenant, who cannot tell another what they are;
therefore his mind (in case of great disability of utterance) must be
fished out by questions, to which his yea or no will discover what he
understandeth or consenteth to: you would not refuse to do so by one
of another language, or a dumb man, who understood you, but could
answer you but by broken words or signs: and very ill education may
make a great many of the phrases of Scripture, and religious language,
as strange to some men, though spoken in their native tongue, as if it
were Greek or Latin to them, who yet may possibly understand the
matter. A wise teacher by well composed questions may (without fraud
or formality) discern what a man understandeth, though he say but yea
or no; when an indiscreet, unskilful man, will make his own
unskilfulness and uncharitableness the occasion of contemptuous
trampling upon some that are as honest as himself. If a man's desires
and endeavours are to that which is good, and he be willing to be
taught, and use the means, it must be very gross ignorance indeed, and
well proved, that must disprove his profession of faith. If he
competently understand what it is to believe in God the Father, Son,
and Holy Ghost, the Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier, he
understandeth all that is absolutely necessary to salvation. And his
yea or no may sometimes signify his understanding it.
_Quest._ IV. Must I take the visible members of the church,
because such, for truly godly?
_Answ._ Yes, except when you have particular sufficient proof of
their hypocrisy. Certainly no man doth sincerely enter into the
baptismal covenant, but he that is sincerely a penitent believer (if
at age). For that covenant giveth actual pardon and adoption to those
that sincerely enter into it: the very consenting to it (which is
repentance and faith) being the very condition of the present
reception of these benefits.[171] And therefore it is that the ancient
writers still affirmed that all the baptized were regenerated,
justified, and adopted. Whether an adult person be truly fit for
baptism, or not, the pastor that baptizeth is to judge; and he must
see the credible signs of true faith and repentance before he baptize
him; which are no other than his understanding, voluntary, sober
profession of consent to the baptismal covenant: but when he is
baptized, and professeth to stand to that covenant once made, he is to
be judged a godly person by all the church members, who have not
sufficient proof of the contrary: because if he be sincere in what he
did and still professeth, he is certainly godly; and whether he be
sincere or not, he himself is the best and regular judge or discerner,
so far as to put in his claim to baptism, which the pastor is obliged
not to deny him, without disproving him: and the pastor is judge as to
his actual admittance; and therefore the people have nothing
necessarily to do, but know whether he be baptized and stand to his
baptism; for which they are to take him as sincere, unless by his
notorious discovery of the contrary they can disprove him. These are
not only the true terms of church communion, but of love to the godly;
and though this goeth hardly down with some good men, who observe how
few of the baptized seem to be seriously religious, and therefore they
think that a visible church member as such, is not at all to be
accounted sincere, that is, to be believed in his profession, and that
we owe him not the special love which is due to the godly, but only a
common love due only to professors without respect to their sincerity;
yet this opinion will not hold true; nor is a profession required
without respect to the truth or falsehood of it; the credibility of it
being the very reason that it is requisite. Nor is it any other faith
or consent to the covenant below that which is sincere and saving,
which must be professed by all that will be taken for church members.
And though those that are of the contrary opinion are afraid lest this
will occasion too much strictness in the pastors in judging whose
profession is credible, and consequently will countenance separation
in the people, yet God hath provided a sufficient remedy against that
fear, by making every man the opener of his own heart, and tying us by
the law of nature and of Scripture, to take every man's profession for
credible, which is sober, understanding, and voluntary, unless they
can disprove it, or prove him a liar, and perfidious, and incredible.
And whereas it is a latitude of charity which bringeth them to the
contrary opinion, for fear lest the incredible professors of
christianity should be all excluded from the visible church, yet
indeed it is but the image of charity, to bring catechumens into the
church, (as to set the boys of the lowest form among them that are in
their Greek,) and to deny all special christian love to all visible
members of the church as such; and to think that we are not bound to
take any of them (as such) to be sincere, or in the favour of God, or
justified, for fear of excluding those that are not. But of this I
have largely written in a treatise of this subject.[172]
_Quest._ V. Must we take all visible church members alike to be
godly, and love them equally?
_Answ._ No: there are as many various degrees of credit due to
their profession, as there are various degrees of credibility in it:
some manifest their sincerity by such full and excellent evidences in a
holy life, that we are next to certain that they are sincere; and some
make a profession so ignorantly, so coldly, and blot it by so many
false opinions and vices, that our fear of them may be greater than
our hope; of whom we can only say, that we are not altogether hopeless
of their sincerity, and therefore must use them as godly men, because
we cannot prove the contrary; but yet admonish them of their danger,
as having much cause to fear the worst: and there may be many
notorious wicked men in some churches, through the pastors' fault, for
want of discipline; and these for order sake we must assemble with,
but not dissemble with them and our own consciences, so as to take
them for godly men, when the contrary is notorious; nor yet to admit
them to our familiarity. The pastor hath the keys of the church, but
we have the keys of our own houses and hearts.
_Quest._ VI. Must we love all equally that seem truly godly, the
strong and the weak?
_Answ._ No: he that loveth men for their holiness, will love them
according to the degrees of their holiness, as far as he can discern
it.
_Quest._ VII. Must we love him more who hath much grace (or
holiness) and is little useful for want of gifts, or him that hath
less grace and eminent useful gifts?
_Answ._ They must both be loved according to the diversity of
their goodness. He that hath most grace is best, and therefore most to
be loved in himself; but as a means to the conversion of souls and the
honour of God in the good of others, the man that hath the most
eminent gifts, must be most loved. The first is more loved in and for
his own goodness: the second is more lovely _propter aliud_, as a
means to that which is more loved than either of them.
_Quest._ VIII. Must we love him as a godly man, who liveth in any
great or mortal sin?
_Answ._ Every man must be loved as he is: if by a mortal sin, be
meant a sin inconsistent with the love of God, and a state of grace,
then the question is no question; it being a contradiction which is in
question. But if by a great and mortal sin, be meant only this or that
act of sinning, and the question be, Whether that act be mortal, that
is, inconsistent with true grace or not? then the particular act, with
the circumstances, must be considered, before that question can be
answered. Murder is one of the most heinous sins; and one man may be
guilty of it, out of deliberate, habituate malice; and another through
a sudden passion; and another through mere inadvertency, carelessness,
and negligence. Stealing may be done by one man presumptuously, and by
another merely to save the life of himself or his children: these will
not equally prove a man in a state of death, and without true grace.
And which is a mortal sin inconsistent with the life of grace, and
which not, is before spoken to, and belongeth not to this place. Only
I shall say, that the sin (be it great or small as to the outward act
or matter) which certainly excludeth the habitual devotedness of the
soul to God, by resignation, obedience, and love, is mortal, or a mark
of spiritual death; and so is all sin, which consisteth not with
habitual repentance, and a predominant hatred of sin as sin, and of a
disobedient, unholy heart and life; and therefore all sin, which is
not repented of as soon as it is known, and the sinner hath time and
opportunity of deliberation; because in such a case, the habit of
repentance will produce the act.
_Quest._ IX. Must an excommunicate person be loved as godly or
not?
_Answ._ You must distinguish, 1. Of excommunication. 2. Of the
person that is to judge. 1. There is an excommunication which
censureth not the state of the sinner, but only suspendeth him from
church communion as at the present actually unfit for it: and there is
an excommunication which habituately or statedly excludeth the sinner
from his church relation, as an habituate, impenitent, obstinate
person. 2. Some persons have no opportunity to try the cause
themselves, being strangers, or not called to it; but must take it
upon the pastor's judgment: and some have no opportunity to know the
person and the cause, whether he be justly excommunicated or not. Now,
1. Those that know by notoriety or proof that the person is justly
excommunicated with the second sort of excommunication, must not, nor
cannot love him as a godly man. 2. Those that know by notoriety or
proof that the person is unjustly excommunicated, are not therefore to
deny him the estimation and love which is due to a godly man: though
for order sake they may sometimes be obliged to avoid external church
communion with him. 3. Those that know nothing of the cause
themselves, must judge as the pastor judgeth, who is the legal judge;
yet so, as to take it to be but a human, fallible, and no final
judgment.
_Quest._ X. Can an unsanctified hypocrite unfeignedly love a
godly man?
_Answ._ There is no doubt but he may materially love him, on some
other consideration; as because he is a kinsman, friend, benefactor,
or is witty, learned, fair, &c.
_Quest._ XI. But can he love a godly man because he is godly?
_Answ._ He may love a godly man (at least) as he may love God. An
unholy person cannot love God in all his perfections respectively to
himself, as a God who is most holy and just in his government,
forbidding all sin, and condemning the ungodly; for the love of his
sins is inconsistent with this love. But he may love him as he is most
great, and wise, and good in the general, and as he is the Maker and
Benefactor of the world and of the sinner; yea, and in general as his
Governor; and so he may verily think that he loveth God as God,
because he loveth him for his essentialities; but indeed he doth not,
(speaking strictly,) because he leaveth out some one or more of these
essentialities; even as he that loveth man as rational, but not as a
voluntary free agent, loveth not man as man: and as a heretic is no
christian, because he denieth some one essential part of christianity;
even so as to the love of godly men, an ungodly man may believe that
they are better than others, and therefore love them; but not as
godliness is the consent to that holiness and justice of God, which
would restrain him from his beloved sins, and condemn him for them. So
far as they are simply godly to themselves, without respect to him and
his sins, he may love them.
_Quest._ XII. May he love a godly man as he would make him godly,
and convert him?
_Answ._ He may love him as a better man than others, and in
general he may wish himself as good, and may love him because he
wisheth him well; but as he cannot be (or rather is not) willing
himself to leave his sins and live in holiness, so another is not
grateful to him, who urgently persuadeth him to this.
_Quest._ XIII. Doth any ungodly person love the godly comparatively
more than others?
_Answ._ So far as he doth love them as godly, so far he may love
them more than those that are not such; many a bad father loveth a
religious child better than the rest; because they think that wisdom
and godliness are good; and they are glad to see their children do
well, as long as they do not grate upon them with troublesome
censures: for another man's godliness costeth a bad man little or
nothing; he may behold it without the parting with his sins.
_Quest._ XIV. Doth every sincere christian love all the godly
with a special love? even those that oppose their opinions, or that
they think do greatly wrong them?
_Answ._ 1. Every true christian loveth a godly man as such, and
therefore loveth all such, if he take them to be such. 2. No godly man
doth habitually and impenitently live in such malice or enmity, as
will not suffer him to see the godliness of a dissenter or adversary,
when it hath sufficient evidence. 3. But ill education and company,
and want of opportunity, may keep a true christian from discerning the
godliness of another, and so from loving him as a godly man. 4. And
error, and faction, and passion may in a temptation so far prevail as
at present to pervert his judgment, and make him misjudge a godly man
to be ungodly, though when he hath opportunity to deliberate and come
to himself, he will repent of it.
_Quest._ XV. What is that love to the godly which proveth a man's
sincerity, and which no hypocrite or unregenerate person doth attain
to?
_Answ._ It hath in it these essential parts: 1. He loveth God
best, and his servants for his sake. 2. He loveth godliness, and the
person as godly, and therefore would fain be such himself; or loveth
it for himself as well as in others. 3. He loveth not one only, but
all the essential parts of godliness (our absolute resignation to God
our Owner, our absolute obedience to God our Ruler, and our highest
gratitude and love to God our Benefactor and our End). 4. He loveth
godliness and godly men, above his carnal, worldly interest, his
honour, wealth, or pleasure; and therefore will part with these in
works of charity, when he can understand that God requireth it. These
four set together make up that love which will prove your sincerity,
and which no hypocrite doth perform. Hypocrites either love the godly
only as their benefactors with a self-love; or they love them as godly
to themselves, but would not be like them, and love not godliness
itself to make them godly; or they love them for some parts of
godliness, and not for all; or they love them but in subjection to
their worldly love; with such a dry and barren love as James
rejecteth, James ii. as will not be at any great cost upon them, to
feed, or clothe, or visit, or relieve them.
_Tit. 2. Directions for Loving the Children of God._
_Direct._ I. Once get the love of God, and you cannot choose but
love his children. Therefore first set your hearts to that, and study
the directions for it, part i. God must be first loved as God, before
the godly can be loved as such; though perhaps this effect may
sometimes be more manifest than the cause: fortify the cause and the
effect will follow.
_Direct._ II. Get Christ to dwell in your hearts by faith, Eph.
iii. 17; and then you will love his members for his sake. The study of
the love of God in Christ, and the belief of all the benefits of his
love and sufferings, will be the bellows continually to kindle your
love to your Redeemer, and to all those that are like him and beloved
by him.
_Direct._ III. Cherish the motions of God's Spirit in yourselves.
For he is a Spirit of love; and it is the same Spirit which is in all
the saints; therefore the more you have of the Spirit, the more unity
and the more love will you have to all that are truly spiritual. The
decays of your own holiness, containeth a decay of your love to the
holy.
_Direct._ IV. Observe their graces more than their infirmities.
You cannot love them unless you take notice of that goodness which is
their loveliness. Overlooking and extenuating the good that is in
others, doth show your want of love to goodness, and then no wonder if
you want love to those that are good.
_Direct._ V. Be not tempters and provokers of them to any sin.
For that is but to stir up the worser part which is in them, and to
make it more apparent; and so to hide their amiableness, and hinder
your own love. They that will be abusing them, and stirring up their
passions, or oppressing wise men to try if they can make them mad, or
increasing their burdens and persecutions to see whether there be any
impatience left in them, are but like the horseman who was still
spurring his horse, and then sold him because he was skittish and
unquiet; or like the gentleman that must needs come as a suitor to a
beautiful lady, just when she had taken a vomit and purge, and then
disdained her as being unsavoury and loathsome.
_Direct._ VI. Stir up their graces, and converse much with them
in the exercises of grace. If Aristotle or Socrates, Demosthenes or
Cicero, stood silent by you among other persons, you will perceive no
difference between them and a fool or a vulgar wit: but when once they
open their lips and pour out the streams of wisdom and eloquence, you
will quickly perceive how far they excel the common world, and will
admire, love, and honour them. So when you converse with godly men
about matters of trading or common employments only, you will see no
more but their blamelessness and justice; but if you will join with
them in holy conference or prayer, or observe them in good works, you
will see that the Spirit of Christ is in them. When you hear the
longings of their souls after God, and their heavenly desires and
hopes and joys, and their love to piety, charity, and justice, express
themselves in their holy discourse and prayers, and see the fruits of
them in their lives, you will see that they are more than common men.
_Direct._ VII. Foresee the perfection of their graces in their
beginnings. No man will love a seed or stock of those plants or trees
which bear the most beautiful flowers and fruits, unless in the seed
he foresee the fruit or flower which it tendeth to. No man loveth the
egg aright, who doth not foreknow what a bird it will bring forth.
Aristotle or Cicero were no more amiable in their infancy than others,
except to him that could foretell what men they were like to prove.
Think oft of heaven, and what a thing a saint will be in glory, when
he shall shine as the stars, and be equal to the angels; and then you
will quickly see cause to love them.
_Direct._ VIII. Frequently think of the everlasting union and
sweet agreement which you must have with them in heaven for ever. How
perfectly you will love each other in the love of God! How joyfully
you will consent in the love and praises of your Creator and Redeemer!
The more believingly you foresee that state, and the more you
contemplate thereon, and the more your conversation is in heaven, the
more will you love your fellow-soldiers and travellers, with whom you
must live in blessedness for ever.
_Tit. 3. Motives or Meditative Helps to the Godly._
_Motive_ I. Consider what relation all the regenerate have to
God. They are not only his creatures, but his adopted children: and
are they not honourable and amiable who are so near to God?
_Motive_ II. Think of their near relation to Jesus Christ: they
are his members, and his brethren, and the purchase of his sufferings,
and co-heirs of everlasting life, Rom. viii. 16, 17; Eph. v. 26, 27.
_Motive_ III. Think of the excellency of that spirit and holy
nature which is in them. Regeneration hath made them partakers of the
divine nature, and hath endued them with the Spirit of Christ, and
hath by the incorruptible seed made them new creatures, of a holy and
heavenly mind and life; and hath renewed them after the image of God!
And what besides God himself can be so amiable as his image?
_Motive_ IV. Think of the precious price which was paid for their
redemption: if you will estimate things by their price, (if the
purchaser be wise,) how highly must you value them!
_Motive_ V. Remember how dearly they are beloved of God, their
Creator and Redeemer. Read and observe God's tender language towards
them, and his tender dealings with them. He calleth them his children,
his beloved, yea, dearly beloved, his jewels, the apple of his eye,
Deut. xxxiii. 12; Psal. lx. 5; cxxvii. 2; Col. iii. 12; Jer. xii. 7;
Mal. iii. 17; Zech. ii. 8; Deut. xxxii. 10. Christ calleth the least
of them his brethren, Matt. xxv. Judge of his love to them by his
incarnation, life, and sufferings! Judge of it by that one
heart-melting message after his resurrection, John xx. 17, "Go to my
brethren and say unto them, I ascend to my Father and your Father, to
my God and your God." And should we not love them dearly who are so
dearly beloved of God?
_Motive_ VI. They are our brethren, begotten by the same Father
and Spirit, of the same holy seed, the word of God; and have the same
nature and disposition: and this unity of nature and nearness of
relation, is such a suitableness as must needs cause love.
_Motive_ VII. They are our companions in labour and tribulation,
in our duty and sufferings: they are our fellow-soldiers and
travellers, with whom only we can have sweet and holy converse, and a
heavenly conversation; when the carnal savour not the things of God.
_Motive_ VIII. Consider how serviceable their graces render them,
for the pleasing of God and the good of men. They are the work of God,
created to good works, Eph. ii. 10. They are fitted by grace to love
and praise their Maker and Redeemer, and to obey his laws, and to
honour him in their works, as shining lights in a dark generation.
They are the blessings of the place where God hath planted them; they
pray for sinners, and exhort them, and give them good examples, and
call them from their sins, and lovingly draw them on to conversion and
salvation. For their sakes God useth others the better where they
live. Ten righteous persons might have saved Sodom. They are lovely
therefore for the service which they do.
_Motive_ IX. All their graces will be shortly perfected, and all
their infirmities done away. They are already pardoned and justified
by Christ; and every remaining spot and wrinkle will be shortly taken
away, Eph. v. 26, 27, and they shall be presented perfect unto God.
And they that shall be so perfect then, are amiable now.
_Motive_ X. They shall see the glory of God, and live for ever in
his presence: they shall be employed in his perfect love and praise,
and we shall be their companions therein: and those that must sing
hallelujahs to God in perfect amity and concord, such an harmonious,
blessed choir, should live in great endearedness in the way.
_Tit. 4. The Hinderances and Enemies of Christian Love._
_Enemy_ I. The first enemy of christian love, is the inward
unregeneracy and carnality of the mind: "for the carnal mind is enmity
to God, and neither is nor can be subject to his law," Rom. vi. 7; and
therefore it is at enmity with holiness, and with those that are
seriously holy. The excellency of a christian is seen only by faith,
believing what God speaketh of them, and by spiritual discerning of
their spiritual worth: but the "natural man discerneth not the things
of the Spirit, but they are as foolishness to him, because they must
be spiritually discerned," 1 Cor. ii. 14. There must be a suitableness
of nature before there can be true love; and he that will love them as
holy, must first love holiness himself.
_Enemy_ II. Another enemy to christian love is selfishness, or
inordinate self-love; for this will make men love no one heartily, but
as they serve, or love, or honour them, and according to the measures
of their selfish interest: if a godly man will not flatter such
persons, and serve their proud or covetous humours, they cannot love
him. A selfish person maketh so great a matter of every infirmity
which crosseth his interest, or every mistake which crosseth his
opinion, or every little injury that is done him, that he crieth out
presently, Oh what wicked and unconscionable people are these! What
hypocrites are they! Is this their religion? Is this justice or
charity? All virtues and vices are estimated by them according to
their own ends and interest chiefly; they can think better of a common
whoremonger, or swearer, or atheist, or infidel that loveth, and
honoureth, and serveth them, than of the most holy and upright servant
of God, who thinketh meanly or hardly of them, and standeth in their
way, and seemeth to be against their interest; it is no commendation
to him in this man's account, that he loveth God, and all that are
godly, if he seem to injure or cross a selfish man. A carnal
self-lover can love none but himself and for himself; and maketh all
faults which are against himself to be the characters of an odious
person, rather than those which are committed against God.
_Enemy_ III. Christian love is often diminished and marred by
degenerating into a carnal sort of love, through the prevalency of
some carnal vice. Thus they that loved a man for godliness, turn it
into a selfish love, for some honour, or favour, or benefits to
themselves. And young persons of different sexes begin to love each
other for piety, and by undiscreet, and unwary, and sinful
familiarities, are drawn before they are aware, to carnal, fond, and
sinful love; and these persons think that their holy love is stronger
than before; whenas it is stifled, consumed, and languishing, as
natural heat by a burning fever, and is overcome and turned into
another thing.
_Enemy_ IV. Passion and impatiency is a great enemy to christian
love. It is stirring up displeasing words and carriage, and then
cannot bear them; it meeteth every where with matter of displeasure
and offence, and is still casting water on this sacred fire, and
feigning or finding faults in all.
_Enemy_ V. Self-ignorance and partiality is a great enemy to
love; when it maketh men overlook their own corruptions, and extenuate
all those faults in themselves, which in others they take for heinous
crimes; and so they want that compassion to others which would bear
with infirmities, because they know not how bad they are themselves,
and what need they have of the forbearance of others.
_Enemy_ VI. Censoriousness is an enemy to brotherly love (as is
aforesaid): a censorious person will tell you how dearly he loveth
all the godly; but he can allow so few the acknowledgment of their
godliness, that few are beholden to him for his love. His sinful
humour blindeth his mind, that he cannot see another's godliness; he
will love them for their sincerity when he can see it, but that will
not be till he hath better eyes. Timon was a great lover of wisdom,
but a hater of all men, because he took no man to be wise.
_Enemy_ VII. Faction and parties, or siding in religion, is one
of the greatest enemies of christian love. For this causeth
censoriousness, and maketh men so overvalue the opinions which they
have chosen, and the interest of their party, that they hardly see
goodness in any that are not of their mind, and quickly find faults
(or devise them) in those that are against them.
_Enemy_ VIII. Conversing with malicious, wicked, or censorious
persons, is a great hinderance of the love of godly men; for he that
heareth them daily slandered, and represented as brain-sick,
seditious, self-conceited, humorous, hypocritical people, will easily
take them as odious, but hardly as amiable, unless he come nearer
them, and know them better than by a liar's words.
_Enemy_ IX. Too high expectations are great enemies to love. When
men either look that saints on earth should be like saints in heaven,
who have no infirmity; or look for greater parts of nature or art,
ingenuity or excellency of speech, than is in other persons, or when
selfishness and covetousness or pride doth make men look for great
respect, and observance, and esteem, or gifts, or commodity from
others; when sin and error raiseth these unreasonable expectations,
and the imperfect graces of christians do not answer them, such
persons think contemptibly of good men, and call them hypocrites, and
as bad as others, because they are not such as they expected.
_Enemy_ X. The placing of men's goodness in lesser matters in
which it doth not consist, is also a common enemy of love. When a man
is himself so carnal as not to know what spiritual excellency is, but
prefers some common gifts before it, such a one can never be satisfied
in the ordinary sort of upright men. Thus some make a great matter of
compliment, and courtship, and handsome deportment, when some holy
persons are so taken up with the great matters of God and their
salvation, and so retired from the company of complimenters, that they
have neither time, nor mind, nor skill, nor will for such
impertinencies. Some place so much in some particular opinions, or
ceremonies, or forms of church government and worship, that they can
think well of no man that is against them; whereas good men on earth
are so imperfect, that they are, and will be, of several opinions
about such things; and so these persons oblige themselves by their own
opinionativeness, to be always against one part of the sincerest
servants of Christ. One man can think well of none that is not for his
church party, or way of government and worship; and another can think
well of none that is not for his way. One can think well of none that
prayeth not by his book, and doth not turn, and bend, and look just in
the same manner, garb, and posture with himself, and that useth not
all the ceremonies which he affecteth; or at least, if his weakness
make him guilty of any unhandsome tone or gesture, or of any incompt
and unapt expressions, or needless repetitions, or unpleasing style
(all which we wish that all good men were free from). Another can
think well of no man, that is for pomp and force in church government,
or for ceremonies, forms, and books in prayer, and for prescribed
words in worshipping God. And thus placing religion where they should
not, causeth too many to take up with a mistaken religion for
themselves, and to dislike all that are not of their mind, and
certainly destroyeth christian love in one part of christians towards
the other.
_Enemy_ XI. Pride also is a pestilent extinguisher of love. For a
proud man is so much overwise in his own eyes, that he can without
remorse stigmatize all that dissent from him with the names of
ignorant or erroneous, schismatical, heretical, or what other name the
humour or advantage of the times shall offer him: and he is so good in
his own eyes, that he measureth men's goodness and godliness by their
agreement with him, or compliance with his will. And he is so great in
his own eyes, that he thinketh himself and his complices only fit to
make laws for others, and to rule them in their opinions, and in the
worship of God; and no man fit to say any thing publicly to God, but
what he putteth into their mouths. He can think well of none that will
not obey him: like the pope of Rome, that saith, No man on earth hath
church communion with him that is not subject to him. A humble
christian thinketh that himself and the gospel have great and unusual
prosperity in the world, when they have but liberty; but proud men
think that religion is ruinated, and they are persecuted, when they
have not their will upon their brethren, and when their brethren will
be but brethren, and deny them obedience. Subjects they can think well
of and command, but brethren they cannot love nor tolerate.
_Enemy_ XII. Lastly, The counterfeits of christian love deceive
abundance, and keep them from that which is love indeed. They might be
brought to it, if they had not thought that they had it already, when
they have it not.
_Tit. 5. The Counterfeits of Christian Love._
_Count._ I. It is but counterfeit love to christians, when they
are loved only for being of the common religion of the country, and
the same that you say you are of yourselves: as one Mahometan loveth
another.
_Count._ II. Or to love one only sect or party of christians,
which you espouse as the only party or church; and not to love a
christian as a christian, and so to love all true christians whom you
can discern to be such.
_Count._ III. To love only those christians who are your kindred
or relations, or those that have been some way benefactors to you.
_Count._ IV. To love christians only for their familiarity, or
kind and loving conversation, and civil, obliging deportment among
men.
_Count._ V. To love them only because they are learned, or have
better wits or abilities of speech, in preaching, prayer, or
conference than others.
_Count._ VI. To love them only upon the praise which common
commendations may sometimes give them, and for being magnified by
fame, and well spoken of by all men. Thus many wicked men do love the
saints departed, when they hate those that are alive among them.
_Count._ VII. To love them only for being godly in themselves at
a distance, so they will not trouble them with their godliness; while
they love not those that reprove them, and would draw them to be as
godly.
_Count._ VIII. To love them only for suffering with them in the
same cause. Thus a profane person taken by the Turks may love his
fellow-captives who refuse to renounce Christ. And thus a sufferer for
an ill cause, or an erroneous sect, may love those that suffer with
him above others.
_Count._ IX. To love them only for holding strict and right
opinions, while they will not endure to live accordingly. Thus many
love the light, that cannot bear the heat and motion; many love an
orthodox person, of a sound judgment, that is against looseness and
profaneness in his opinion, and do not like the folly of the
licentious; who yet like licentious practice best.
_Count._ X. To love them for some parts of godliness only; while
some other essential part will not be endured (of which before).
_Count._ XI. To love them in a kind fit only, as Saul with tears
professed to do his son David; but to have no habitual, constant love.
_Count._ XII. Lastly, To love godly men a little, and the world
and fleshly interest more; to love them only so as will cost them
nothing; to wish them fed, but not to feed them; and to wish them
clothed, but not to clothe them; and to wish them out of prison, but
not to dare to visit them for fear of suffering themselves. He that
hath this world's goods, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth
up the bowels of his compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God
in him? 1 John iii. 17. Surely if the love of his brother were in him,
the love of God had been in him. But he hath no true love to his
brother, that will only love him on terms that cost him little, and
cannot give and suffer for his love. All these are deceiving
counterfeits of love to the children of God.
_Tit. 6. Cases and Directions for intimate, special Friends._
_Quest._ I. Is it lawful to have an earnest desire to be loved by
others? especially by some one person above all other?
_Answ._ There is a desire of others' love which is lawful, and
there is a desire which is unlawful.
I. It is lawful, 1. When we desire it as it is their duty, which God
himself obligeth them to perform, and so is part of their integrity,
and is their own good, and pleaseth God. So parents must desire their
children to love them, and one another, because it is their duty, and
else they are unnatural and bad. And husband and wife may desire that
each other discharge that duty of love which God requireth, and so may
all others. 2. It is lawful also to desire for our own sakes to be
loved by others; so be it it be, 1. With a calm and sober desire,
which is not eager, peremptory, or importunate, nor overvalueth the
love of man. 2. According to the proportion of our own worth; not
desiring to be thought greater, wiser, or better than indeed we are,
nor to be loved erroneously by an overvaluing love. 3. When we desire
it for the benefits to which it tendeth, more than to be valued and
loved for ourselves: as, 1. That we may receive that edification and
good from a friend which love disposeth them to communicate. 2. That
we may do that good to our friends, which love disposeth them to
receive. 3. That we may honour and please God, who delighteth in the
true love and concord of his children.
II. But the unlawful desire of others' love to us, is much more
common, and is a sin of a deeper malignity than is commonly observed.
This desire of love is sinful, when it is contrary to that before
described; as, 1. When we desire it over-eagerly. 2. When we desire it
selfishly and proudly, to be set up in the good opinion of others; and
not to make a benefit of it to ourselves or them; but our own honour
is more desired in it, than the honour of God. 3. When we desire to be
thought greater, wiser, or better than we are, and to be loved with
such an overvaluing love; and have no desire that the bounds of truth
and usefulness should restrain and limit that love to us which we
affect. 4. When it is an erroneous, fanciful, carnal, or lustful
esteem of some one person, which maketh us desire his love more than
others. As because he is higher, richer, fairer, &c.
This eager desire to be overloved by others, hath in it all these
aggravations. 1. It is the very sin of pride, which God hath declared
so great a detestation of. For pride is an overvaluing ourselves, for
greatness, wisdom, or goodness, and a desire to be so overvalued of
others. And he that would be overloved, would be overvalued.
2. It is self-idolizing: when we would be loved as better than we are,
we rob God of that love which men should render to him, who can never
be overloved, and we would fain seem a kind of petty deities to the
world, and draw men's eyes and hearts unto ourselves. When we should
be jealous of God's interest and honour, lest we or any creature
should have his due, this proud disposition maketh people set up
themselves in the estimation of others, and they scarce care how good
or wise they are esteemed, nor how much they are lifted up in the
hearts of others.
3. It is an injurious insnaring the minds of others, and tempting them
to erroneous opinions of us, and affections to us; which will be their
sin, and may bring them into many inconveniences. It is an ordinary
thing to do greater hurt to a friend whom we value, by insnaring him
in an inordinate love, than ever we did or can do to an enemy by
hating him.
_Quest._ II. Is it lawful, meet, or desirable to entertain that
extraordinary affection to any one, which is called special
friendship; or to have an endeared, intimate friend, whom we love far
above all others?
_Answ._ Intimate, special friendship is a thing that hath been so
much pleaded for by all sorts of men, and so much of the felicity of
man's life hath been placed in it, that it beseemeth not me to speak
against it. But yet I think it meet to tell you with what cautions and
limits it must be received, and how far it is good, and how far sinful
(for there are perils here to be avoided, which neither Cicero, nor
his Scipio and Lælius, were acquainted with).
I. 1. It is lawful to choose some one well qualified person, who is
fittest for that use, and to make him the chief companion of our
lives, our chiefest counsellor and comforter, and to confine our
intimacy and converse to him in a special manner above all others.
2. And it is lawful to love him not only according to his personal
worth, but according to his special suitableness to us, and to desire
his felicity accordingly, and to exercise our love to him more
frequently and sensibly (because of his nearness and presence) than
towards some better men that are further off.
The reasons of such an intimate friendship are these: 1. No man is
sufficient for himself, and therefore nature teacheth them to desire a
helper. And there is so wonderful a diversity of temperaments and
conditions, and so great a disparity and incongruity among good and
wise men towards each other, that one that is more suitable and
congruous to us than all the rest, may on that account be much
preferred.
2. It is not many that can be so near us as to be ordinary helpers to
us; and a wiser man at a distance, or out of reach, may be less useful
to us, than one of inferior worth at hand.
3. The very exercise of friendly love and kindness to another is
pleasant: and so it is to have one to whom we may confidently reveal
our secrets, to bear part of our burden, and to confirm us in our
right apprehensions, and to cure us of wrong ones.
4. And it is no small benefit of a present bosom friend, to be instead
of all the world to us; that is, of common, unprofitable company: for
man is a sociable creature, and abhorreth utter solitude. And among
the common sort, we shall meet with so much evil, and so little that
is truly wise or good, as will tempt a man to think that he is best
when he is least conversant with mankind. But a selected friend is to
us for usefulness instead of many, without these common encumbrances
and snares.
5. And it is a great part of the commodity of a faithful friend, to be
assisted in the true knowledge of ourselves: to have one that will
watch over us, and faithfully tell us of the sin, and danger, and
duty, which we cannot easily see without help, and which other men
will not faithfully acquaint us with.
II. But yet it is rare to choose and use this friendship rightly; and
there are many evils here to be carefully avoided. The instances shall
be mentioned anon in the directions, and therefore now passed by.
_Quest._ III. Is it meet to have more such bosom friends than
one?
_Answ._ 1. Usually one only is meetest: 1. Because love diffused
is oft weak, and contracted is more strong. 2. Because secrets are
seldom safe in the hands of many. 3. Because suitable persons are
rare. 4. And though two or three may be suitable to you, yet perhaps
they may be unsuitable among themselves. And the calamities of their
own disparities will redound to you; and their fallings-out may turn
to the bewraying of your secrets, or to some other greater wrong.
2. But yet sometimes two or three such friends may be better than one
alone. 1. In case they be all near and of an approved suitableness and
fidelity. 2. In case they be all suitable and endeared to one another.
3. If a man live _per vices_ in several places, and his friends
cannot remove with him, he may have one friend in one place, and
another in another, and so many will be but as one that is constant.
4. And in case that many may add to our help, our counsel and comfort,
more than to our danger, hurt, or trouble. In all these cases many are
better than one.
_Quest._ IV. Is it fit for him to take another bosom friend who
hath a pious wife? And is any other so fit to be a friend, as he and
she that are as one flesh?
_Answ._ When a wife hath the understanding, and virtue, and
fidelity fit for this sort of friendship, then no one else is so fit,
because of nearness and united interests. The same I say of a husband
to a wife. But because that it seldom falls out that there is such a
fitness for this office, especially in the wife, in that case it is
lawful and meet to choose a friend that is fit indeed, and to commit
those secrets to him which we commit not to a wife: for secrets are
not to be committed to the untrusty, nor wise counsel to be expected
from the unwise, how near soever. And the great writers about this
special friendship, do think that no woman is fit for it, but men
only; but that conclusion is too injurious to that sex.
_Quest._ V. Is it agreeable to the nature of true friendship to
love our friend not only for himself, but for our own commodity? And
whether must he or I be the chief end of my love and friendship?
_Answ._ 1. Indeed in our love to God, he that is the object is
also our chief and ultimate end, and we must love him more for himself
than for ourselves. And yet here it is lawful subordinately to intend
ourselves.
2. And our love to the commonwealth should be greater than our love
to ourselves, and therefore we may not love it chiefly for ourselves.
3. And if our bosom friend be notoriously better than we are, and more
serviceable to God and to the common good, we should love him also
above ourselves, and therefore not chiefly for ourselves.
4. But in case of an equality of goodness and usefulness, we are not
bound to love our most intimate friend more than ourselves; and
therefore may at least equally love him for ourselves as for himself.
And if we are really and notoriously better and more useful, we may
love him chiefly for ourselves, and ourselves above him. But still we
must love God and the public good, above both ourselves and him, and
must love both ourselves and him in order to God, who is the beginning
and end of all.
_Quest._ VI. Is it contrary to the nature of true friendship to
keep any secret from such a bosom friend, or to retain any suspicion
of him, or to suppose that he may possibly prove unfaithful to us and
forsake us?
_Answ._ Cicero and the old doctors say of friendship, that all
this is inconsistent with true friendship; and it is true that it is
contrary to perfect friendship: but it is as true, that perfect
friendship cannot be and must not be among imperfect men: and that the
nature of mankind is so much depraved, that the best are unmeet for
perfect friendship: and certainly few men, if any in the world, are
fit for every secret of our hearts. Besides that we are so bad, that
if all our secret thoughts were known to one another, it might do much
to abate our friendship and love to each other. And it is certain that
man is so corrupt a creature, and good men so imperfectly cured of
their corruption, that there is selfishness, uncertainty, and
mutability in the best. And therefore it is not a duty to judge
falsely of men, but contrarily to judge of them as they are; and
therefore to suppose that it is possible the closest friend may reveal
our secrets, one time or other, and that the stedfastest friend may
possibly become our enemy. To think that possible which is possible,
(and more,) is injurious to none.
_Quest._ VII. Is it lawful to change a bosom friend, and to
prefer a new one whom we perceive to be more worthy before an old one?
_Answ._ An old friend, _cæteris paribus_, is to be preferred
before a new one, and is not to be cast off without desert and
necessity. But for all that, 1. If an old friend prove false, or
notably unfit, 2. Or if we meet with another that is far more able,
fit, and worthy, no doubt but we may prefer the latter; and may value,
love, and use men as they are for goodness, worth, and usefulness.
_Quest._ VIII. What love is due to a minister that hath been the
means of our conversion? And can such a one be loved too much?
_Answ._ 1. There is a special love due to such a one, as the hand
by which God did reach out to us his invaluable mercies; and
ingratitude, and sectarian, proud contempt of such as have been our
fathers in Christ, is no small sin.
2. But yet another that never did us good, who is much wiser, and
better, and more serviceable to the church, must be better loved, than
he by whom we were converted. Because we are to love men more for the
sake of God and his image and service, than for ourselves.
3. And it is a very common thing, for passionate women and young
people, when they are newly converted, to think that they can never
too much value, and honour, and love those that converted them; and to
think that all such love is holy and from God; whereas the same love
may be of God as to the principle, motives, and ends, in the main, and
yet may have great mixtures of passionate weakness, and sinful
excess, which may tend to their great affliction in the end. Some that
have been converted by the writings of a minister a hundred or a
thousand miles off, must needs go see the author: some must needs
remove from their lawful dwellings and callings, to live under the
ministry of such a one; yea, if it may be, in the house with him: some
have affections so violent, as proveth a torment to them when they
cannot live with those whom they so affect: some by that affection are
ready to follow those that they so value into any error. And all this
is a sinful love by this mixture of passionate weakness, though pious
in the main.
_Quest._ IX. Why should we restrain our love to a bosom friend
(contrary to Cicero's doctrine)? And what sin or danger is in loving
him too much?
_Answ._ All these following: 1. It is an error of judgment and of
will, to suppose any one better than he is, (yea, perhaps than any
creature on earth is,) and so to love him.
2. It is an irrational act, and therefore not fit for a rational
creature, to love any one further than reason will allow us, and
beyond the true causes of regular love.
3. It is usually a fruit of sinful selfishness: for this excess of
love doth come from a selfish cause, either some strong conceit that
the person greatly loveth us, or for some great kindness which he hath
showed us, or for some need we have of him, and fitness appearing in
him to be useful to us, &c. Otherwise it would be purely for amiable
worth, and then it would be proportioned to the nature and measure of
that worth.
4. It very often taketh up men's minds, so as to hinder their love to
God, and their desires and delights in holy things: while Satan
(perhaps upon religious pretences) turneth our affections too
violently to some person, it diverteth them from higher and better
things: for the weak mind of man can hardly think earnestly of one
thing, without being alienated in his thoughts from others; nor can
hardly love two things or persons fervently at once, that stand not in
pure subordination one to the other: and we seldom love any fervently
in a pure subordination to God; for then we should love God still more
fervently.
5. It oft maketh men ill members of the church and commonwealth. For
it contracteth that love to one overvalued person, which should be
diffused abroad among many; and the common good, which should be loved
above any single person, is by this means neglected (as God himself):
which maketh wives, and children, and bosom friends become those gulfs
that swallow up the estates of most rich men; so that they do little
good with them to the public state, which should be preferred.
6. Over-much friendship engageth us in more duty than we are well able
to perform, without neglecting our duty to God, the commonwealth, and
our own souls. There is some special duty followeth all special
acquaintance; but a bosom friend will expect a great deal. You must
allow him much of your time in conference, upon all occasions; and he
looketh that you should be many ways friendly and useful to him, as he
is or would be to you. When, alas, frail man can do but little: our
time is short; our strength is small; our estates and faculties are
narrow and low. And that time which you must spend with your bosom
friend; where friendship is not moderated and wisely managed, is
perhaps taken from God and the public good, to which you first owed
it. Especially if you are magistrates, ministers, physicians,
schoolmasters, or such other as are of public usefulness. Indeed if
you have a sober, prudent friend, that will look but for your vacant
hours, and rather help you in your public service, you are happy in
such a friend. But that is not the excess of love that I am
reprehending.
7. This inordinate friendship prepareth for disappointments, yea, and
for excess of sorrows. Usually experience will tell you that your best
friends are but uncertain and imperfect men, and will not answer your
expectation; and perhaps some of them may so grossly fail you, as to
set light by you, and prove your adversaries. I have seen the bonds of
extraordinary dearness many ways dissolved: one hath been overcome by
the flesh, and turned drunkard and sensual, and so proved unfit for
intimate friendship (who yet sometime seemed of extraordinary
uprightness and zeal). Another hath taken up some singular conceits in
religion, and joined to some sect where his bosom friend could not
follow him. And so it hath seemed his duty to look with strangeness,
contempt, or pity on his ancient friend, as one that is dark and low,
if not supposed an adversary to the truth, because he espouseth not
all his misconceits. Another is suddenly lifted up with some
preferment, dignity, and success, and so is taken with higher things
and higher converse, and thinks it is very fair, to give an embrace to
his ancient friend, for what he once was to him, instead of continuing
such endearedness. Another had changed his place and company, and so
by degrees grown very indifferent to his ancient friend, when he is
out of sight, and converse ceaseth. Another hath himself chosen his
friend amiss, in his unexperienced youth, or in a penury of wise and
good men, supposing him much better than he was; and afterwards hath
had experience of many persons of far greater wisdom, piety, and
fidelity, whom therefore reason commanded him to prefer. All these are
ordinary dissolvers of these bonds of intimate and special friendship.
And if your love continue as hot as ever, its excess is like to be
your excessive sorrow. For, 1. You will be the more grieved at every
suffering of your friend, as sicknesses, losses, crosses, &c. whereof
so many attend mankind, as is like to make your burden great. 2. Upon
every removal, his absence will be the more troublesome to you. 3. All
incongruities and fallings-out will be the more painful to you,
especially his jealousies, discontents, and passions, which you cannot
command. 4. His death, if he die before you, will be the more
grievous, and your own the more unwelcome, because you must part with
him. These and abundance of sore afflictions are the ordinary fruits
of too strong affections; and it is no rare thing for the best of
God's servants to profess, that their sufferings from their friends
who have overloved them, have been ten times greater than from all the
enemies that ever they had in the world.
And to those that are wavering about this case, Whether only a common
friendship with all men according to their various worth, or a bosom
intimacy with some one man, be more desirable? I shall premise a free
confession of my own case, whatever censures for it I incur. When I
was first awakened to the regard of things spiritual and eternal, I
was exceedingly inclined to a vehement love to those that I thought
the most serious saints, and especially to that intimacy with some
one, which is called friendship; by which I found extraordinary
benefit, and it became a special mercy to my soul. But it was by more
than one or two of the aforementioned ways, that the strict bond of
extraordinary friendship hath been relaxed, and my own excessive
esteem of my most intimate friends confuted. And since then I have
learned to love all men according to their real worth, and to let out
my love more extensively and without respect of persons, acknowledging
all that is good in all; but with a double love and honour to the
excellently wise and good; and to value men more for their public
usefulness, than for their private suitableness to me; and yet to
value the ordinary converse of one or a few suitable friends, before a
more public and tumultuary life, except when God is publicly
worshipped, or when public service inviteth me to deny the quiet of a
private life: and though I more difference between man and man than
ever, I do it not upon so slight and insufficient grounds as in the
time of my unexperienced credulity; nor do I expect to find any
without the defects, and blots, and failings of infirm, imperfect,
mutable man.
_Quest._ X. What qualifications should direct us in the choice of
a special bosom friend?
_Answ._ 1. He must be one that is sincere and single-hearted, and
not given to affectation, or any thing that is much forced in his
deportment; plain, and open-hearted to you, and not addicted to a
hiding, fraudulent, or reserved carriage.
2. He must be one that is of a suitable temper and disposition; I mean
not guilty of all your own infirmities, but not guilty of a crossness
or contrariety of disposition. As if one be in love with plainness of
apparel, and frugality in diet and course of life, and the other be
guilty of curiosity, and ostentation, and prodigality; if one be for
few words, and the other for many; if one be for labour, and the other
for idleness, and frequent interruptions; if one be for serving the
humours of men, and the other for a contempt of human censure, in the
way of certain duty; these disparities make them unfit for this sort
of bosom friendship.
3. He must not be a slave to any vice; for that which maketh him false
to God, and to betray his own soul, may make him false to man, and to
betray his friend.
4. He must not be a selfish person; that is, corruptly and partially
for himself, and for his own carnal ends and interest. For such a one
hath no true love to others, but when you seem cross to his own
interest, his pleasure, wealth, or honour he will forsake you; for so
he doth by God himself.
5. He must be humble, and not notably proud. For pride will make him
quarrelsome, disdainful, impatient, and quite unsuitable to a humble
person.
6. He must be one that is thoroughly and resolvedly godly: for you
will hardly well centre any where but in God; nor will he be useful to
all the ends of friendship, if he be not one that loveth God, and holy
things, and is of a pious conversation: nor can you expect that he
that is false to God, and will sell his part in him for the pleasure
or gain of sin, should long prove truly faithful unto you.
7. He must be one that is judicious in religion; that is, not of an
erroneous, heretical wit; nor ignorant of those great and excellent
truths, which you should oft confer about; but rather one that
excelleth you in solid understanding, and true judgment, and a
discerning head, that can teach you somewhat which you know not; and
is not addicted to corrupt you with false opinions of his own.
8. He must be one that is not schismatical and embodied in any
dividing sect; for else he will be no longer true to you, than the
interest of his party will allow him; and if you will not follow him
in his conceits and singularities, he will withdraw his love, and
despise you; and if he do not, yet he may endanger your stedfastness,
by the temptation of his love.
9. He must be one that hath no other very intimate friend, unless his
friend be also as intimate with you as with him; because else he will
be no further secret and trusty to you, than the interest or will of
his other friend will allow him.
10. He must be one that is prudent in the management of business, and
especially those which your converse is concerned in; else his
indiscretion in words or practice, will not suffer your friendship to
be long entire.
11. He must be one that is not addicted to loquacity, but can keep
your secrets; otherwise he will be so untrusty as to be uncapable of
doing the true office of a friend.
12. He must have a zeal and activity in religion and in all
well-doing; otherwise he will be unfit to warm your affections, and to
provoke you to love and good works, and to do the principal works of
friendship, but will rather cool and hinder you in your way.
13. He must be one that is not addicted to levity, unconstancy, and
change; or else you can expect no stability in his friendship.
14. He must not much differ from you in riches, or in poverty, or in
quality in the world. For if he be much richer, he will be carried
away with higher company and converse than yours, and will think you
fitter to be his servant than his friend. And if he be much poorer
than you, he will be apt to value your friendship for his own
commodity, and you will be still in doubt whether he be sincere.
15. He must be one that is like to live with you or near you, that you
may have the frequent benefit of his converse, counsel, example, and
other acts of friendship.
16. He must be one that is not very covetous, or a lover of riches or
preferment; for such a one will no longer be true to you, than his
mammon will allow him.
17. He must be one that is not peevish, passionate, and impatient; but
that can both bear with your infirmities, and also bear much from
others for your sake, in the exercise of his friendship.
18. He must be one that hath so good an esteem of your person, and so
true and strong a love to you, as will suffice to move him, and hold
him to all this.
19. He must be yet of a public spirit, and a lover of good works, that
he may put you on to well-doing, and not countenance you in an idle
self-pleasing and unprofitable life. And he ought to be one that is
skilful in the business of your calling, that he may be fit to censure
your work, and amend it, and direct you in it, and confer about it;
and it is best for you if he be one that excelleth you herein, that he
may add something to you (but then you will not be such to him, and so
the friendship will be unequal.)
20. Lastly, There must be some suitableness in age and sex. The young
want experience to make them meet for the bosom friendship of the aged
(though yet they may take delight in instructing them, and doing them
good). And the young are hardly reconcilable to all the gravity of the
aged. And it must not be a person of a different sex, unless in case
of marriage. Not but that they may be helpful to each other as
christians, and in a state of distant friendship; but this bosom
intimacy they are utterly unfit for, because of unsuitableness,
temptation, and scandal.
_Directions for the Right Use of Special Bosom Friendship._
_Direct._ I. Engage not yourself to any one as a bosom friend,
without great evidence and proof of his fitness in all the foregoing
qualifications. By which you may see that this is not an ordinary way
of duty or benefit, but a very unusual case. For it is a hard thing to
meet with one among many thousands, that hath all these
qualifications; and when that is done, if you have not all the same
qualifications to him, you will be unmeet for his friendship, whatever
he be for yours. And where in an age will there be two that are suited
in all those respects? Therefore our ordinary way of duty is, to love
all according to their various worth, and to make the best use we can
of every one's grace and gifts, and of those most that are nearest us;
but without the partiality of such extraordinary affection to any one
above all the rest. For young persons usually make their choice
rashly, of one that afterwards proveth utterly unmeet for the office
of such a friend, or at least, no better than many other persons; nay,
ten to one, but after-experience will acquaint them with many that are
much wiser, and better, and fitter for their love. And hasty
affections are guilty of blind partiality, and run men into sin and
sorrow, and often end in unpleasant ruptures. Therefore be not too
forward in this friendship.
_Direct._ II. When you do choose a friend, though he must be one
that you have no cause to be suspicious of, yet reckon that it is
possible that he may be estranged from you, yea, and turn your enemy.
Causeless jealousies are contrary to friendship on your part; and if
there be cause, it is inconsistent with friendship on his part. But
yet no friendship should make you blind, and not to know that man is a
corrupt and mutable creature; especially in such an age as this,
wherein we have seen, how personal changes, state changes, and changes
in religion, have alienated many seeming friends. Therefore love them,
and use them, and trust them, but as men, that may possibly fail all
your expectations, and open all your secrets, and betray you, yea, and
turn your enemies. Suspect it not, but judge it possible.
_Direct._ III. Be open with your approved friend, and commit all
your secrets to him, still excepting those, the knowledge of which may
be hurtful to himself, or the revealing of them hereafter may be
intolerably injurious to yourself, to the honour of religion, to the
public good, or to any other. If you be needlessly close, you are
neither friendly, nor can you improve your friend enough to your own
advantage. But yet if you open all without exception, you may many
ways be injurious to your friend and to yourself; and the day may come
which you did not look for, in which his weakness, passion, interest,
or alienation, may trouble you by making all public to the world.
_Direct._ IV. Use as little affectation or ceremony with your
friend as may be; but let all your converse with him be with openness
of heart, that he may see that you both trust him, and deal with him
in plain sincerity. If dissimulation and forced affectation be but
once discovered, it tendeth to breed a constant diffidence and
suspicion. And if it be an infirmity of your own which you think
needeth such a cover, the cloak will be of worse effect, than the
knowledge of your infirmity.
_Direct._ V. Be ever faithful to your friend, for the cure of all
his faults; and never turn friendship into flattery: yet still let all
be done in love, though in a friendly freedom, and closeness of
admonition. It is not the least benefit of intimate friendship, that
what an enemy speaketh behind our backs, a friend will open plainly to
our faces. To watch over one another daily, and be as a glass to show
our faces or faults to one another, is the very great benefit of true
friendship. Eccles. iv. 9-11, "Two are better than one, because they
have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will
lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth, for
he hath not another to help him up." It is a flatterer and not a
friend, that will please you by concealing or extenuating your sin.
_Direct._ VI. Abhor selfishness as most contrary to real
friendship. Let your friend be as yourself, and his interest as your
own. If we must love our neighbour as ourselves, much more our dearest
bosom friends.
_Direct._ VII. Understand what is most excellent and useful in
your friend, and that improve. Much good is lost by a dead-hearted
companion, that will neither broach the vessel and draw that out which
is ready for their use; nor yet feed any good discourse, by due
questions or answers, but stifle all by barren silence. And a dull,
silent hearer, will weary and silence the speaker at the last.
_Direct._ VIII. Resolve to bear with each other's infirmities: be
not too high in your expectations from each other; look not for
exactness and innocence, but for human infirmities, that when they
fall out, you may not find yourselves disappointed. Patience is
necessary in all human converse.
_Direct._ IX. Yet do not suffer friendship to blind you, to own
or extenuate the faults of your dearest friend. For that will be
sinful partiality, and will be greatly injurious to God, and treachery
against the soul and safety of your friend.
_Direct._ X. And watch lest the love, estimation, or reverence of
your friend, should draw you to entertain his errors, or to imitate
him in any sinful way. It is no part of true friendship to prefer men
before the truth of Christ, nor to take any heretical, dividing, or
sensual infection from our friend, and so to die and perish with him;
nor is it friendly to desire it.
_Direct._ XI. Never speak against your friend to a third person;
nor open his dishonourable weakness to another. As no man can serve
two masters, so no man can well please two contrary friends: and if
you whisper to one the failings of another, it tendeth directly to the
dissolution of your friendship.
_Direct._ XII. Think not that love will warrant your partial,
erroneous estimation of your friend. You may judge him fittest for
your intimacy; but you must not judge him better than all other men,
unless you have special evidence of it, as the reason of such a
judgment.
_Direct._ XIII. Let not the love of your friend draw you to love
all, or any others, the less, and below their worth. Let not
friendship make you narrow-hearted, and confine your charity to one:
but give all their due, in your valuation and your conversation, and
exercise as large a charity and benignity as possibly you can;
especially to societies, churches, and commonwealth, and to all the
world. It is a sinful friendship, which robbeth others of your
charity; especially those to whom much more is due than to your
friend.
_Direct._ XIV. Exercise your friendship in holiness and
well-doing: kindle in each other the love of God and goodness, and
provoke each other to a heavenly conversation. The more of God and
heaven is in your friendship, the more holy, safe, and sweet, and
durable it will prove. It will not wither, when an everlasting subject
is the fuel that maintaineth it. If it will not help you the better to
holiness and to heaven, it is worth nothing. Eccles. iv. 11, "If two
lie together, then they have heat; but how can one be warm alone." See
that your friendship degenerate not into common carnal love, and
evaporate not in a barren converse, instead of prayer and heavenly
discourse, and faithful watchfulness and reproof.
_Direct._ XV. Prepare each other for suffering and death, and
dwell together in the house of mourning, where you may remember your
nearer everlasting friendship; and not only in the house of mirth, as
if it were your work to make each other forget your latter end.
[171] Lege quam plurima veterum testimonia in D. Gatakero contra
Davenantium de Baptismo.
[172] "Disputations of Right to Sacraments."