"money matters" and commercial transactions, but is now obsolete. It
formerly represented capital, and raised the British merchant in the
scale of nations; but it is now a maxim of trade to discard Principle as
not being consistent with Interest. It is paradoxically Capital to take
care of our Interest, but it seldom requires any Principle to do so.
"The want of money is the root of all evil." Such is the new reading,
according to the translation of a new sect called the _Tin_ites. In the
orthodox translation, the _love_ of money was unfortunately rendered. To
be without money is worse than being without brains--for this reason we
should oppose all dangerous innovations, which in any way have a
tendency to disturb the "balance of Capital." Right is not to usurp
might. We are not, for the sake of Quixotic experiment, to invade the
_interests_ of the landed proprietor by an Anti-Corn Law movement, nor
the vested right of doing wrong, which the various close corporations of
law, physic, and trade, &c. have so long maintained, making England the
envy of the world and the glory of surrounding nations.
[Illustration: THE TIN-DER PASSION.]
Interest, therefore, teaches us to interest ourselves for our own
interests, and to keep them continually in view in all our transactions.
When a man loses sight of his own interests he is morally blind; he
must, therefore, according to this rule, walk with his eyes open, and be
wide awake to every move--keep the weather-eye open, and not have one
eye up the chimney and the other in the pot, but both stedfastly fixed
on the _main chance_.
Interest teaches us also to swear to anything and admit nothing; to
prove, by the devil's rhetoric, that black is white and white black; to
tamper, to shuffle, to misrepresent, to falsify, to scheme, to
undervalue, to entangle, to evade, to delay, to humbug, and to cheat in
virtue of the monied interest.
[Illustration: FAITH AND DUTY.]
In the days of our forefathers, we had a most excellent compendium of
Faith and Duty, called the "Church Catechism," which taught us not only
to "fear God and honour the King," but to be "true and just in all our
dealings." The "fast and loose," "free and easy" system of "liberality,"
shuts the Creed and the Catechism out of half our schools; and
worldliness teaches in its place the creed of Mammon. Instead of being
taught to worship God, we are taught to _worship money_. Instead of
honouring the Queen, we are told to bow down to the "_golden image_"
which trade has set up; we no longer consult our _conscience_, but our
_pocket_; for _principle_ we read _interest_--for _piety_, _pelf_.
In illustration of this, the following "cut and dry" "'Change
Catechism," which fell from the pocket of a Latitudinarian bill-broker,
is subjoined, as affording the best examples of the Rule of _Interest_.
QUESTION AND ANSWER.
Q. My good child, tell me what you believe in?
A. Money.
Q. What is money?
A. The all-ruling and all-powerful; the fountain of worldly wisdom and
power.
Q. How is it worshipped?
A. By the daily sacrifice of time, talents, health, and virtue.
Q. What is this worship called?
A. Mammon.
Q. What is its chief rite?
A. Gammon.
Q. What is the chief ceremony?
A. Deceit.
Q. What are its principal festivals?
A. Dividend-days.
Q. What are its days of penance or fasting?
A. Days when no business is done.
Q. What are its feast-days?
A. City "Feeds."
Q. Where are its principal temples?
A. The _Treasury_, the _'Change_, and the _Bank_.
Q. Who are its priests?
A. Whitewashed "black-legs."[3]
Q. What is virtue?
A. A name.
Q. What is Orthodoxy?
A. Cash.
Q. What is Heterodoxy?
A. Bills.
Q. What is Heresy?
A. "No effects."
Q. What is Schism?
A. "Call again to-morrow."
Q. What is Respectability?
A. Plenty of trade.
Q. What is Roguery?
A. Being in debt.
Q. What is Vice?
A. Misfortune.
Q. What is the greatest sin?
A. Poverty.
Q. What is the principal virtue?
A. Prompt payment.
Q. What are the principal blessings?
A. Loans.
Q. What should be our continual desire?
A. Good luck.
Q. For what our rejoicings?
A. Success.
Q. What is Morality?
A. Cent. per cent. profits.
Q. What is the Origin of evil?
A. A returned bill.
Q. What is the greatest evil?
A. Bankruptcy.
Q. What is our chance of escape from perdition?
A. "Taking the benefit."
Q. What is the Devil?
A. To be without money.
Q. Who are the chosen children of Mammon?
A. Those born with a "silver spoon."
Q. What is the true definition of good?
A. Solvency.
Q. What is the true definition of bad?
A. Insolvency.
Q. What is your duty to your friend?
A. To cheat him.
Q. What to the stranger?
A. To "take him in."
Q. What is Experimental Philosophy?
A. Going a borrowing.
Q. What is practical philosophy?
A. Being refused.
Q. What should be your chief consolation in old age?
A. Dying rich.
Q. What is the chief maxim of this creed?
A. _Doing_ every one, but suffering no one to _do_ you.
[3] Notwithstanding the "pretty considerable declension" of
mercantile integrity, the character of the British merchant,
both at home and abroad, still maintains its ascendency,
and there are yet thousands of "merchant princes" who fully
sustain the honour and glory of our native land. This satire
is launched against the "cutting" commercials of the age.
[Illustration]
RULE X.
BILLS.
[Illustration]
When goods are bought or work is done, a bill is to be made out and
delivered. In some cases the bill may be made out before the work is
done, and work charged in _prospective_; and therefore the making out
of bills is an art and mystery known only to the professional man or the
tradesman. It comprehends the mystery of mystification, and _impudence_
and _assurance_ are its two first rules. The milkman is not only allowed
by parliament to water his milk, but to cut a notch in his chalk and
mark _double_. The baker thinks it legitimate, and part of his vested
rights, to put in "dead uns;" the butcher to "hang on Jemmy;" but the
birds noted for the longest bills are the carpenter woodpecker,
(who undertakes to take you under) the gallipot crane, the red-tape
snipe, and the heron. The bills of each of these bipeds are as long as
from this to the paying of the National Debt, and as unfathomable as the
Bay of Biscay--or the lowest pit of----
L
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
I AM INTERESTED.
Dear Sir, my faith in you is great,
Your honour long I've tested;
You are my customer, good Sir,
And I am _interested_.
To give you credit is my joy,
A joy sincerely breasted,
For twelve months, ay, for any date;
You see I'm _interested_.
And may you thrive, and in due time
Retire in comfort nested;
This is my fervent prayer, my friend,
For I am _interested_.
And may you have a plum or two,
In stock well sunk and vested,
To leave your worthy family--
I speak as _interested_.
What, "rather queer!" this fellow now
Must quickly be molested;
Write to him, Priggings, for you know
That I am _interested_.
Well, take his bill. Three months--no two;
Let it be well attested;
Now is the time to turn the screw,
For I am _interested_.
What, "no effects!" give him, no time,
But get the bill _protested_;
Such rascals must be quickly met,
When we are _interested_.
No cash!--well, write to Sniggs at once,
And let him be arrested;
To Banco Regis let him go,
For I am _interested_.
[Illustration: A DECIMAL FIGURE.]
RULE XI.
DECIMALS.
Decimal Fractions are so called because the fractions are always tenths.
They differ from Vulgar Fractions in this, that the denominator is not
written, but a _point_ before it is used instead.
[Illustration: A STRONG TITHE.]
Decimals are best illustrated by tithes, which are general and universal
tenths extracted in every part of "merry England." They are added,
subtracted, multiplied, and divided like any other numbers, but to
designate their value a _point_ is prefixed.
In tithes, as in decimals, the denominator does not appear; that is to
say, the incumbent rarely lives at his incumbency. When tithes are to be
added, taken, or subtracted, the titho_decimo point_ is used as his
representative, namely, the POINT OF THE BAYONET.
[Illustration]
To make a point of "doing good by stealth" is a national virtue; and
among all other "points" in this uncertain world, the "point blank" is
the most certain. This may be made with a _rifle_, when the pockets are
to be _rifled_, either with or without a bayonet at the end of it. The
_charge_ for spiritual care is best settled by a _charge of dragoons_;
and a _discharge_ of clerical arrears by a _discharge of fire-arms_.[4]
[4] Whatever may be said of the mode of collecting tithes,
nothing can be said against the "right of tithe." The clergy
are the greatest sufferers, and no consummation is more
devoutly to be wished than an equitable adjustment. As
things are at present, the clergy do not get half their
dues, and these are obtained in a manner well calculated to
keep up the idea of a certain person shearing the hogs,
"great cry and little wool."
TO REDUCE MONEY WEIGHTS AND MEASURES TO DECIMALS.
Take a tithe-owner, a collector, a proctor's warrant, and a constable,
and go in a body to the house of a Quaker, or the mud hovel of an Irish
Catholic. Enter the house by means of a crow-bar. Take pigs, poultry,
pots, pans, sticks, or rattletraps. Obtain an appraiser, call in a
broker, and _divide the spoil_ by means of any number of vulgar
fractions, called purchasers. Take the dividend, called plunder, and
"pocket."
TO BRING DECIMALS TO THEIR PROPER VALUE IN WHOLE NUMBERS.
The proper value of a decimal is only to be ascertained by his _points_
of character, and they are to be found of full value in many parts of
the kingdom, in the shape of worthy curates, and honest rectors and
vicars, _dividing_ not their flocks, or the produce of their flocks, but
their _own time_, _means_, and _money_, in the conscientious _discharge_
of their clerical duties.
RULE XII.
PRACTICE.
The Rule of Practice is indispensable in all our operations. It is in
some degree the "ultimatum" of the preceding rules, for as the proverb
says, "Practice makes perfect."
Nature is said to have begun the creation of "living infinities" by this
rule, for in the words of the poet,
"She tried her 'prentice hand on man,
And then she made the lasses o."--BURNS.
Practice is thus divided into two kinds--the first called _Practice
Preliminary_; the second is denominated _Practice in General_.
* * * * *
PRACTICE PRELIMINARY is experimental philosophy, or asking discount for
a bill at 18 months; PRACTICE IN GENERAL taking in the flats. The one
resolves itself into "_trying it on_," the other to "_clapping it on_."
"Trying it on" is an universal principle, from the old Jew salesman who
asks four pounds for a thread-bare coat and takes four shillings; or the
old cabbage woman who offers 3lbs. of "taters" for two pence and sells
7lbs. for three farthings; to the prime minister who asks _three_
millions of taxes, and expects _five_. The converse of this rule is,
"Don't you wish you may get it."
Practice is performed by taking "aliquot parts;" to be a man of some
"parts" is therefore necessary. The application of our "parts" to the
science of L.S.D. with a view to their development and perfection, is
the aim of the rule, and the "practice of Practice" is to show,
That the value of a thing
Is just the money it will bring;
For money being the common scale
Of things by measure, weight and rate,
In all affairs of Church and State,
And both the balance and the weight,
The only force, the only power,
That all mankind fall down before,
Which like the iron sword of kings,
Is the best reason of all things;
The Rule of Practice then would show,
The principles on which men "grow."
What makes all doctrines plain and clear?
A few odd hundreds once a year.
And that which was proved true before,
Prove false again?--Some hundreds more.
HUDIBRAS.
[Illustration: PRACTISING AT EXETER HALL.
HULLA, BOYS, HULLA.]
GRAND CHORUS.
Hulla boys, Hulla boys,
Let the "belles" ring;
Hulla boys, Hulla boys,
So the Whigs sing.
The Council of State
In their heads have a crotchet,
In spite of lawn sleeves,
In spite of the rochet;
To put for a salvo
The nation in tune,
By keeping them singing
From July till June.
And who can sweet music
A moment despise?
For singing is better,
Far better than sighs.
To reconcile Chartists
To duties on corn,
We'll give them a flourish
Or two on the horn.
To strike all the grumblers
In factories mute,
We'll give them a solo
Each day on the _flute_.
Should the multitude ask,
By petition, a boon,
We'll grant them reply
Through our "Budget" _bassoon_.
And when they shall sicken,
And when they shall fret,
We'll soothe them like lambs,
With our State _clarionet_.
Should they from their chains
Endeavour to wriggle,[5]
We'll keep them in bonds
By a waltz on the _fiddle_.
They shall not despair,
Nor hang, drown, or strangle,
We Whigs will strike up
Our tinkling _triangle_.
And should this not do,
In arms should they come,
We'll frighten them soon
By a roll of the _drum_!
[5] I can't make wriggle rhyme to fiddle. I have sent it to
the prince of wrigglers, Lord B----, and to the prince
of fiddlers, Mr. P--, but they refer me to
Mr. Wordsworth.--T. W.
* * * * *
PRACTISING FOR THE ARMY.--As shooting and slaying are the legitimate
objects of this profession, you cannot begin too early. The first
instrument to be used is a _pea-shooter_; this is for the age P.C.
previous to corderoys. The second is a _pop-gun_, indicating the age of
breeches (and breaches). From this we arise to "sparrow-shooting," after
the _ruse de guerre_ of the salt-box has been tried without effect.
Being now grown bloody-minded, we go to that sanguiniferous-looking
house at Battersea, called the Red House, (being of a blood colour, from
the enormous slaughter committed near it,) and here we take lessons in
pigeon-shooting. From hence to the Shooting Gallery, Pall Mall, we
improve rapidly. A lieutenancy in the Guards is our next step. To this
succeeds a dispute respecting the glottis of Mademoiselle Catasquallee,
and "Chalk-Farm" or "Wimbledon Common" is the result; and here, unless
courage should ooze out of our fingers' ends, we may stop; our courage
is apparent, and for the future we may shoot with the "long-bow" to all
eternity without fear of contradiction.
* * * * *
PRACTISING FOR THE PROFESSION.--"Cutting up" and "Cut and _come_ again,"
are the maxims of the surgeon; and as no trade or profession can live
except by the adoption of the "_cutting_ system," and if a man cannot
_cut_ a figure, he will assuredly _be cut_ by his acquaintance, surely
the art should be thoroughly studied. As a preliminary step, Burking and
body-snatching must be mastered; and then you may go snacks in a
"subject," and take your "loin of pauper," "leg of pauper," or "shoulder
of beggar," or "rump of beggar," or "sirloin of alderman," or
"fore-quarter of citizen," or "hand and spring" of beadle or bellman. Or
should your taste be fastidious, you may take a "fillet of cherrybum;"
or club for a "sucking-kid." On these _practise_ till you are perfect;
and should it so happen that any of the personages above-named should
turn out to be related by consanguinity, be as stoical as a reviewer,
and make no bones of cutting-up (if necessary for science) your own
father.
* * * * *
PRACTISING FOR THE MINISTRY.--The aspirant for the "tub," "born in a
garret, in a kitchen bred," commences his spiritual career by announcing
to the elect that he is almost sure that he has had a call (caul), for
he has heard his mother say he was _born with one_. He may next exhibit
his buffetings with Satan by showing the marks of the beast, in the
shape of double-dealing, pettifogging, shuffling, cutting and cheating;
he may next venture on the _new birth_.
[Illustration]
He now attempts open-air preaching on Kennington Common, and exhibits
spiritual rabidity in good earnest. He foams at the mouth, barks and
bites, and yells in his ravings; calls himself from a pig to a dog, and
from a dog to no gentleman. What is he? "A bundle of filthy rags," "a
whited sepulchre," "a cancerous sore," a "sink of pollution," "a mass
of corruption," "a cesspool," "a common sewer," "a worm," "a scorpion,"
"a snake," "a spider," "an adder." He may also charge himself with
murder, abomination, witchcraft, lying, and every vice denounced in the
Decalogue, on the principle of "the greater the sinner the greater the
saint."
Having thus initiated himself into the spiritual fraternity, he may
write a work to prove that the "Church damns more souls than she
saves."[6] He then mounts the rostrum as a burning and a shining light.
He deals in brimstone, wholesale, retail, and for exportation. Now he
unites his spiritual with secular power, and mixes parliamentary logic
with divinity, electioneering squibs with "Hymns of the Chosen;" makes
Lucifer cuckold, and swears himself his true liege man on the
cross-buttock of a radical candidate. He now receives the degree of D.D.
from a Scotch university, for 7_l._ 13_s._ 6_d._, and begins to feel as
"big as bull-beef;" his lank hair curls; he has red velvet cushions to
his tub; he begowns and belappets himself; he looks on all sides for an
half-idiot heiress, or infatuated widow in a state of fatuity, and
marries. Thus he jumps into his bishopric, makes religion a "good spec,"
till it is found out he has had "two wives" before, and a variety of
miniature portraits of himself:--and thus ends his PRACTICE.
[6] A favourite maxim with a certain reverend city orator,
formerly a "grocer," and still a "grosser" man than his
neighbours.
[Illustration: PRACTISING FOR THE OPERA.]
RULE XIII.
BARTER--BUYING AND SELLING--PROFIT AND LOSS.
Man is a "forgiving animal," and this is a better definition of him than
Plato's "biped without feathers," which the plucked cock demonstrated.
Man is the only animal which strikes a bargain. A dog does not exchange
a bone with another dog; and however skilful he may be at a steak, he is
not at all clever at this sort of "_chop_."
"Our _chops_ are our masters," says Hobbes; and it is all "a matter of
wittles," says Sam Weller. Hence arise the art and mystery of
_swapping_, _buying_, and _selling_, and the notion of _trade_ and
_commerce_.
England is _per se_ a nation of shopkeepers--we do every thing upon the
principle of small profits and quick returns. To barter the national
honour is legitimate policy; to sell up our enemies has been a practice
since the days of the Plantagenets.
"Jocky of Norfolk, be not too bold,
For Dickon thy master is bought and sold."
Hence we can always buy our enemies, if we cannot beat them. Buonaparte,
according to the radicals, was _sold_ at Waterloo; we have been recently
sold to the Russians; and thus British gold has been always more
powerful than British steel.
* * * * *
D'ye buy, d'ye buy, d'ye buy,
A sheep's head or a lamb's eye.
Ten thousand thanks will be given to any influential gentleman who will
procure the advertiser a place of commensurate value under government:
an under lord of the treasury, a commissioner of excise, a distributor
of stamps, a head clerkship, or any other situation, in which the
principal duties are to receive the salary.
* * * * *
Here is your lolly pops and real
Wellington brandy balls, sixteen a penny
As long as there is any.
Appointments in the army secured without risk, loss, or trouble to the
purchaser. Cornetcies, Ensigncies, Lieutenancies, Colonelcies, to be
disposed of, at the lowest possible prices. Also a few cast-off ribbons,
stars, spurs, and garters, to be had a bargain.
* * * * *
One a penny buns,
Two a penny buns;
One a penny,
Two a penny,
Hot cross buns.
The next presentation to a valuable rectory, to be had for a song. A
title for orders, "cheap as dirt." Degrees may be obtained of A.M.,
LL.D., D.C.L. and D.D., on reasonable terms; and livings wholesale,
retail, and for exportation. Apply at the "Bottle-nose Head," York; or
at the "Frigasseed surplice," Canterbury.
* * * * *
Here's your spiced gingerbread,
All hot, all hot;
Taste 'em and try 'em,
Before you buy 'em;
All hot, all hot, all hot.
Comfortable and respectable sittings at Beelzebub Chapel, Brimstone
Alley, St. Luke's, under an able minister, by the quarter, month, or
year. Pews to hold eight, 2_l._ 12_s._ 6_d._ per annum; single sittings,
10_s._ The _Pew_seyites will have the right of _election_ and other
privileges.--N.B. No connexion with the parish church next door.
* * * * *
Cat's meat, dog's meat;
Dog's meat, cat's meat.
To be sold, peremptorily, the property of a gentleman about to travel,
(once a rum cove, now a Sidney cove,) a five-year old hunter, the most
splendid horse in Europe, with grand action. Got by _Spavin_ out of
_Roarer_, grandsire _Glanders_, grandam _Botts_, warranted sound and
without fault; (blemishes are not faults, but misfortunes;) gentle to
ride, quiet to drive, warranted to _do_ fourteen stone, or any other
weight. Price 120 guineas.--No abatement.
* * * * *
To the highest bidder,
Here's your rich and ripe faggots,
A penny a piece, a penny a piece;
Here's your savory faggots.
Sale by auction, in Smithfield. Without reserve. A most eligible and
desirable lot. Coming in low. Parasol, bustle, and baggage included. My
better half. Weight, sixteen stone. Has taken the lead at All Max.
Temper, mild (horse-radish). Eloquence, Broughamatic. Voice,
Saffernhillish. Person, Nixmydollyish. Talons, cataclawdish.--No
abatement.
* * * * *
The idea of trade and commerce naturally leads us to the consideration
of the sublime science of Political Economy, which endeavours to
dogmatize that profound conundrum, that the natural _rate of wages is
that which barely affords the labourer the means of subsistence_, and of
continuing the race of labourers--meaning thereby, the starvation point
at which a labourer can be worked. It is assumed that the labourer has
so much work in him, and the problem is to draw it out at the least
possible cost--of whip or legal enactment--or police forces or military
expenditure.
Another leading doctrine of the political economists is, the fatal
necessity of starvation. It is maintained, and that seriously, that
"God, when he made man, intended that he should be starved;" that human
fecundity tends to get the start of the means of subsistence; that the
former moves as 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64; but the latter only as 1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8. The consequence drawn from this proposition is, that
poor-laws, or any efforts of charity, are only a childish indulgence of
feeling; for since there will be a surplus number, who must at all
events be starved, if the life of one is saved by charity, whether
public or private, it is only that another may be starved in its stead.
Hence the perishing of annual multitudes may be looked upon as a proof
of the national wealth; and the poor-law system, and the Queen's Letter,
but so much concern utterly useless; and the only remedy for our
abundant population is for us to return to the system of the ancients,
and legalize a few Herods, or, to go further back, to make every man a
Saturn--the eater of his own children.
RULE XIV.
DISCOUNT.
Discount is the allowance made to a person, for paying money _before it
is due_; so says Walkinghame; but there are now few persons who commit
so egregious a folly, the plan being not to pay until it has been due a
long time, and then get discount as for ready money.
The usual manner of settling accounts in the City is to purchase for
_ready money_; to give a bill at three months, which is to be considered
as equal to ready money; and when the bill becomes due to give--the
cash? No! but another bill at _five_ months. This is called _cash
payments_.
Leaving the City, as being "vulgar," let us look at discount by the
broad light of Universality. Discount means something "taken off," or
reduced by so much, or decreased _in value_, or lessened.
[Illustration: "DISCOUNTING FOR A MAN FORMERLY."]
A man is said to be at a discount on 'Change, when he has no change at
the Bank; when he has no banker in the City; when "no effects" is
written on his "mandible:"--at Almack's, when he ceases to invite dinner
eaters; among the ladies, when grey hairs and crows' feet make their
appearance, and teeth their disappearance.
* * * * *