TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:
Italics have been transcribed using _underscores_, small capitals as ALL
CAPITALS. Inconsistencies in hyphenation and spelling have not been
corrected. Punctuation has been silently corrected. A list of other
corrections can be found at the end of the document.
COMIC ARITHMETIC.
[Illustration: A FIGURANTE.]
"Go the whole figure."--SAM SLICK.
LONDON:
RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET.
1844.
LONDON:
R. CLAY, PRINTER, BREAD STREET HILL.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
PAGE
THE SIGN OF EQUALITY--"WHO ARE YOU?" 5
THE SIGN OF SUBTRACTION 6
A PLURALIST 6
THE SACRED HALTAR 7
DIVIDING THE CHINESE, A CUTTING JOKE 7
THE POOR CURATE--THE BISHOP 9
A SAVE-ALL 13
MIHI CURA FUTURI 14
A MAN OF MANY WOES 15
THE MAN WHO TAKES CARE OF NO. 1 22
"TAKE FROM" 25
TAKEN IN AND DONE FOR 27
"WHO STEALS MY PURSE STEALS TRASH." 28
"FORKING UP." 33
LAWYER DIVIDING THE OYSTER 37
THE LION'S SHARE 40
THE INSOLVENT TRAP.--"THE LAW BINDS, BUT THE LAW LOOSES" 44
"BLOWED PUFFERY" 50
"OUT OF PROPORTION" 52
CALLED TO ACCOUNT 54
"THE NEAREST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART" 55
A SLIDING SCALE 57
"BROKEN DOWN" 59
FRACTIONAL SIGNS 60
AN ANCIENT AND MODERN MUG 62
KNOCKING DOWN THE LOT 71
DONE BY INTEREST 72
AT A PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT 73
THE OLD AND NEW PRINCIPLE--BOTH WITH CREDIT 74
THE TIN-DER PASSION 76
FAITH AND DUTY 77
THE GALLIPOT CRANE 83
THE CARPENTER WOODPECKER 84
THE RED-TAPE SNIPE 85
THE HERON 86
A DECIMAL FIGURE 89
A STRONG TITHE 90
THE POINT OF THE BAYONET 91
PRACTISING AT EXETER HALL.--HULLA, BOYS, HULLA 97
PRACTISING FOR THE MINISTRY 102
PRACTISING FOR THE OPERA 104
DISCOUNTING FOR A MAN FORMERLY 112
MEASURING BY THE "YARD"--TRUE FIT 122
CHARLES I.--A BLOCK-HEAD 140
"ASSURANCE" 146
MUTUAL ASSURANCE 150
THE WORLD IS KEPT UP BY PUFF 177
PREFACE.
TO THE READER, OR RATHER TO THOSE WHO HESITATE IN BUYING THIS WORK.
"Good wine needs no bush," and, therefore, little by way of preface
is necessary to this Work. "He who is ignorant of arithmetic," says
Archimedes, "is but half a man." Therefore, for the sake of _manhood_,
which drapers'-boys and lawyers'-clerks attempt by means of mustachoes
and penny-cigars, read this Work,--for if the dead abstractions of this
science will make a _man_, what must the living realities do?--Nothing
less than a Phœnix D'Orsay, which is at least 1 man ¾ and ⅝.
Read this book, then, my friends, young and old. It teaches practical
philosophy in every chapter; wisdom in every page; and common sense in
every line. Get this manual at the fingers' ends of your mind, and your
physical and mental powers will be so expanded that you will be able
to catch a comet by the tail; take the moon by the horns; knock down
the great wall of China, _à la Cribb_; or measure the spectre of the
Brocken for a pair of breeches, and thus cut a pretty FIGURE.
FIGURES FOR THE MILLION.
Of Arithmetic and its Importance.
INTRODUCTION.
Arithmetic is the art or science of computing by numbers. It is
national, political, military, and commercial. It is of the highest
importance to the community; because it pre-eminently teaches us
to take care of NUMBER I. Our ministers succeed according to their
knowledge of the science of numbers. Witness the skilful management of
majorities of the lower house.
He who understands the true art of _Addition_, _Subtraction_,
_Multiplication_, and _Division_, as here laid down, will not be
considered a mere _cipher_ in the world; but will, in all probability,
make a considerable _figure_: and in the figurative words of Horace, be
"Dives agris dives positis in fœnore nummis."
Let us, therefore, under the guidance and protection of that god of
honest men, the light-heeled and light-fingered Mercury, be diligent so
to _add_ to our store by _subtracting_ from the stores of others, that
we may _add_ to our importance. Let us so _multiply_ our resources, by
encouraging _division_ among our contemporaries, that we may see their
_reduction_ in the perfection of our own _practice_.
"Rem facias; rem
Recte si possis, sì non, quocunque
Modo rem."[1]
Hor.
[1] See page 19, (Addition,) for a poetical version of this
maxim.
EXPLANATION OF ARITHMETICAL SIGNS AND CHARACTERS.
[Illustration: EQUALITY.
"WHO ARE YOU?"]
= Equality. The sign of equality: as, "A living beggar is better than a
dead king;" or both being dead, are equal to each other.
[Illustration]
-- Minus, less. The sign of subtraction; as, for instance, an elopement
to Gretna; or, a knocking-down argument by the way-side, -- minus
ticker. Take from -- from take.
[Illustration: A PLURALIST.]
+ Plus, or more. The sign of addition; as, 3 livings + to 1 = 4; or, 5
millions of new taxes + to 48 = 53.
[Illustration: THE SACRED HALTAR.]
× Multiplied by. The sign of multiplication: as, "The sun breeds
maggots in a dead dog."--_See Shakspeare._ Or, "Money makes
money."--_See Franklin._ Or, Anti-Malthus.--_See Ireland._
[Illustration: DIVIDING THE CHINESE, A CUTTING JOKE.]
÷ Divided by. The sign of division. Example 1. The Whigs.--2. The
Church. A house divided against itself. Division of property; the
lion's share, &c.
SIGNS OF PROPORTION.
Is to: so is:: As Lord B---- IS TO Bishop P----, SO IS a blue musquito
to a planter's nose.
As Sir R---- I---- IS TO J---- H----, SO IS a pair of donkey's-ears to
a barber's-block.
As Tommy Duncombe IS TO Lord Stanley, SO IS shrimp-sauce to a boiled
turbot.
[Illustration: THE POOR CURATE.
THE BISHOP.]
RULE I.
NUMERATION.
Numeration teaches the different value of figures by their different
_places_ (see Walkinghame, Court Guide, Law List, &c.); also the value
of ciphers, or noughts, according to their relative situations (see
Intellectual Calculator, or Martin's Arithmetical Frames). As regards
the value of figures in places, we have illustrations in sinecures of
all grades, from the Lords of the Treasury to the meanest underling of
the Stamp-Office.
Place and pension make the _unit_ a _multitude_, according to the
position of the noughts,--that is, that large portion of the public
called the nobodies. The more a man is surrounded by his inferiors,
the greater he becomes. Hence the necessity of restrictive tariffs to
prevent wealth in a community,--and of impediments to education. It is
not, therefore, _naughty_ for our betters to keep us down by any kind
of mystification; as the sun always looks larger through a fog.
The value of figures and of ciphers will be well understood in the
following table, which ought to be committed faithfully to memory. It
will be seen that when the noughts, the nobodies, that is, the people,
go before the legislative units, their value is consequently decreased;
but when they follow as good backers in good measures, the value of the
characters is increased _ad infinitum_.
TABLE I.--"LEGISLATION BEHIND THE PEOPLE."
The good old times.
{ 1 King.
P { 20 Lords.
E { 300 Tithe-eaters.
O { 4000 Quarrel-mongers (lawyers).
P { 50000 Men-killers (army).
L { 600000 Land-swallowers (landlords).
E { 7000000 Dividendists.
. { 80000000 Pensioners.
{ 900000000 Sinecurists.
TABLE II.--LEGISLATION IN ADVANCE OF THE PEOPLE.
The new system, or march of intellect.
King 100000000 }
Lords 20000000 } P
Tithe-eaters 3000000 } E
Quarrel-mongers 400000 } O
Land-swallowers 50000 } P
Dividendists 6000 } L
Men-killers 700 } E
Pensioners 80 } .
Sinecurists 9 }
RULE II.
ADDITION.
Our life is an addition sum; sometimes long, sometimes short; and Death,
with "jaws capacious," sums up the whole of our _hum_anity by making the
"tottle" of the whole.
Man is an adding animal; his instinct is, to get. He is an illustration
of the verb, to get, in all its inflexions and conjugations; and thus we
get and beget, till we ourselves are added to our fathers.
There are many ways of performing addition, as in the following: a young
grab-all comes upon the fumblers at long-taw, as Columbus did upon the
Indians; or, as every thrifty nation does upon the weak or unsuspicious,
and cries "_Smuggins_!"
Addition is also performed in a less daring manner by the save-all
process, till Death, with his extinguisher, shuts the miser up in his
own smoke.
[Illustration: A SAVE-ALL.]
Addition may also be performed by _subtraction_ by other methods. It is
one to make "Jim along Josey!" the watchword, as Joey does in the
pantomime.
If you would be merry,
And never would fret,
Then, get all you can,
And keep all you get.
[Illustration: MIHI CURA FUTURI.]
Addition teaches, also, to add _units_ together, and to find their sum
total, as A + B = 2. A bachelor is a _unit_; a Benedict, _unitee_.
* * * * *
MATRIMONIAL ADDITION.--By common ciphering 1 and 1 make 2. But, by the
mathematics of matrimony, 1 and 1 will produce from 1 to 20, arranged
in row, one above another, like a flight of stairs. They make a pretty
addition to a man's _effects_, as well as to his _income_; and, if not
themselves _capital_, are a _capital_ stimulus to exertion. Surrounded
by these special pleaders, a man becomes as sharp-set as a Lancashire
ferret, and looks as fierce as a rat-catcher's dog at a sink-hole. Such
men ought to be labelled, "Beware of this unfortunate dog!" for he
would bite at a file!
[Illustration: A MAN OF MANY WOES.]
* * * * *
ADDING TO YOUR NAME.--This is another mode of performing addition. It
is not necessary to go to an university for this, any more than it is
necessary to go to a church to get married. The thing can now be done
without it. Schoolmasters, and pettifoggers of all kinds, will find
this an excellent piece of practical wisdom.
"ADDITION FOR COMMON NAMES."
The Reverend Dr. O'Crikey, D.D.--_Duke of Dunces, or Dull Donkey._
The Reverend Samuel Snuffers, A.M.--_A Muff._
John Petty Fog, Esq. LL.D.--_Deuced Lying Lawyer._
The Right Hon. Lord Dolittle, F.S.A.--_Fumbler in Science and Art._
The Most Noble the Marquis of Sligo, F.R.S.--_Fellow of the Rigmarol
Society._
The Lord Knowswho, F.A.S.--_Fool a star-gazing._
Jeremy Stonybatter, F.G.S.--_Fluking of the Gammoning Society._
Billy Buttercup, Esq. F.L.S.--_First of the Lubberhead Society._
Captain Marlinspike, F.N.S.--_Fellow of no Society._
_ADDING_ TO A STORY.
"Oh! Mrs. Wiggins, I declare
I never heard the like!
The wretch knows how to curse and swear,
To bite, and scratch, and strike!
"All day he's tossicated, and
All night he roams about;
But that is lucky, sure, for he
Is worse when in than out."
"If this is what you get when wed,
I'm glad I yet have tarried:--
Better to keep one's single bed,
Than venture to get married.
"But such a monster! By and by
That idle minx, his wife,
With all her mawkish tenderness,
Must 'gainst him swear her life.
"The fine piano long ago,
Just after my last rout,
With candlesticks and cruets too,
Are all gone up the spout.
"And bills return'd, as I have heard,
Last week, one, two, or three;
And summonses for grocery--
'Tis nothing, though, to me.
"They live like cat and dog. I own
She always _was_ a scold.
She broke the table on his crown;
So I was lately told.
"'Tis nothing, though, my dear, to me,
As I before have said.
If married people don't agree,
They ought not to get wed."
To go back a little to first principles, which should never be lost
sight of in the teaching of any art or science, we must set forth the
grand leading rule before our pupils. Addition teaches, therefore,
1. To get all we can.
2. To keep all we get.
SONG.
"Argent comptant."
PARENTAL ADVICE.--RULE I.
Get money, my son, get money,
Honestly if you can;
It makes life sweet as honey--
My son, get money, get money!
Don't stand upon ceremony,
Or you may look mighty funny;
But make it your constant song,
Get money, get money, get money!
Money makes the mare to go, boy,
Where every path looks sunny.
Go it! my lad, through thick and thin;
Get money, get money, get money!
RULE II.--TAKE CARE OF NO. I.
No. I.--O! since the world was made from 0,
And since old Time began,
The maxim was, and still must be,
Take care of No. I.
Look at the "Times," our oracle,
As sure as any gun,
With hand upon the dial-plate,
It points to No. I.[2]
The mouthing prigs of Parliament,
With long yarns nightly spun,
Watch well for place and patronage,
And all for No. I.
And those who preach of charity,
Enough your ears to stun,
In making up their long accounts,
Take care of No. I.
One follows law, one physic serves,
As shadows serve the sun;
But briefs, and draughts, and boluses
All make for No. I.
And those that oft make love more sweet
Than cakes of Sally Lunn,
In all their ardour ever have
An eye to No. I.
In short, mankind, both young and old,
When serious or in fun,
From hour to hour, from day to day,
Take care of No. I.
The rich, the poor, both high and low,
Ay, every mother's son,
From Court to Poor-law Union,
Take care of No. I.
Too bad it is to be a bore,
And so my strain is done,
Except it is to say once more,
Take care of No. I.
[Illustration: The man who takes care of No. 1.]
[2] Any one wishing to observe this great lesson to all mankind
set forth by the leading journal of Europe, has only to
look at the little vignette at the top of the leading
article of the "Times."
RULE III.
SUBTRACTION.
"I'll example you with thievery.
The sun's a thief, and with his great _subtraction_
Robs the vast sea. The moon's an arrant thief,
And her pale fire she snatches from the sun.
The sea's a thief, whose liquid surge resolves
The moon into salt tears. The earth's a thief,
That feeds and breeds by a composture stolen
From general excrement: each thing's a thief.
The laws you curb and whip in their rough power
Have uncheck'd theft. All that you meet are THIEVES."
Shakspere.
Subtraction teaches to "take from" or to find the difference of two
numbers; having taken too much _in_, and slept _out_; to find the
difference in sovereigns and shillings between that and sleeping at home
according to the "conventional laws of virtuous propriety." (_Vide_ Miss
Martineau.)
The figures are to be arranged in subtraction one under the other; that
line expressing the highest number, being placed above the line
expressing the smaller number. In this arrangement, the upper line is
called the _subtrahend_, and the lower the _subtractor_; the difference
is called the _remainder_. Our readers, the million, are the subtrahend.
The following are subtractors:--
Corn and sugar monopolists.
Tax-collector.
Easter dues, beadle and clerk.
Poor-rate.
Christmas-box and Christmas-piece.
Subscriptions for Chiggered Niggers.
Parson Smith and his orphans.
Poor relations.
The Rule of Subtraction is perhaps the most useful in either national,
political, or commercial Arithmetic; "TAKE FROM" being the universal
maxim of mankind from the day that Adam and Eve stole the forbidden
fruit. In sacred history we find various exemplifications of the
principle: Jacob made use of it when he obtained his brother's
birthright and his blessing; David, when he took the wife of Uriah.
Profane or classical history abounds with examples. It was the royal and
sacerdotal rule, in all climes, countries, and times. Kings have grown
thrifty by it, and conquerors invincible. "_Take from_" is, in short,
the motto of the legislators; and _rhetoric_ the soldier's _watchword_,
the prince's _condescension_, the courtezan's _smile_, the lawyer's
_brief_, the priest's _prayer_, and the tradesman's _craft_. The use of
this rule, is to enable us to "do one another," not "as we would be
done," without the contravention of the majesty of the law.
[Illustration]
"For why--because the good old rule
Suffices us--the simple plan,
That they should _take_ who have the power,
And they should _keep_--who can."
We have had some amusing ways of performing this rule in "by-gone ages."
Among the most celebrated, were _Indulgences_ and _Benevolences_. They
worked well for those who worked ill, and led to a multiplication of
heresies.
Subtraction is perhaps one of the most fashionable of all the rules; and
any one who sets himself down for a gentleman must expect to be beset by
a swarm of hungry locusts, who make a rule to bleed him at every pore
till he becomes poor. When Edward the First took the wealth of the Jews
and their teeth at the same time, he showed a fatherly consideration for
those who having nothing to eat wanted neither incisores, cuspidati,
bicuspidæ, or molarii. But we are to be nipped, and squeezed, and
tapped, and leeched, and drained to all eternity, and are still expected
to--give.
_To take in._--This rule not only teaches us to take from, but also to
take in, which is to take from, with true tact and skill. England is
the Land of Goshen in this particular, and Smithfield the focus of the
art, whence the first rule for selling a horse is--
1. Take in your own father,
Or, if you would rather,
You may take in your mother,
Or humbug your brother;
And though you just kissed her,
Bamboozle your sister;
Or you may send
For your friend;
Or, still fond of pelf,
If you can't find an elf,
You may take in yourself.
[Illustration: TAKEN IN AND DONE FOR.]
[Illustration: "WHO STEALS _MY_ PURSE STEALS TRASH."]
SUBTRACTION OF CHARACTER, OR _DE_-TRACTION.
The rules already given for performing this branch of arithmetic apply
to money matters; but the perfection of the art consists, not in simply
taking from another what you want yourself, but that which does not
enrich you, but makes him poor indeed. This has been styled, by way of
eminence, the devil's subtraction, being the general essence of the
black art. It is called _De_traction.
Detraction may be performed in a variety of ways, as for example:--"Oh,
I know him--his great grandfather was--but no matter, and his mother--no
better than she should be, but I hate to speak evil of the dead. I have
enough to do to mind my own business--and yet one cannot help
knowing--but yet nobody knows what he is or how he gets his money. He
makes a show certainly, but I like things to be paid for before they are
sported. His wife, too--what was she, do you suppose? As I have heard, a
cook in a tradesman's family.--Well, a cook is not so bad after all--I
am sure it is better than a doctor. But I believe he was forced to marry
her.--Poor woman, she suffered, I dare say--Well, it is well it is no
worse--It was the only amends he could make her--It would have been a
cruel thing for the poor innocent children to be born illegitimate.--But
he is still very gay--These sort of men will be--but there will be an
_exposé_ some day. Things can't go on for ever--Well, I wish them no
harm, poor creatures--But do you go to their party to-night?--I go only
for the sake of seeing how madam cook conducts the entertainment."
* * * * *
RULE FOR LADIES WITH REGARD TO THEIR RIVALS.--Should any lady be so
unfortunate as to fear a rival in the affections of some simple-hearted
swain in the personal attractions of some youthful beauty whom he has
never seen, it must be her method not to vilify her character or
underrate her accomplishments,--no, this is but sorry skill. The more
delicate and refined way of _subtracting_ from her merits will be to
employ unbounded panegyric, so as to raise the expectations of the
feared admirer, that the real shall fall infinitely short of the ideal.
This is another mode of performing _subtraction_ by _addition_.
* * * * *
LITERARY SUBTRACTION.--This is of essential service to editors,
reviewers, and others, who, having nothing good of their own with which
to amuse the public, steal the brains of others.
_Rule._--Take from a work published at a guinea all its cream and
quintessence, under pretence of praising it into immortality through the
pages of your fourpenny review. "_Castrant alios, ut libros suos per se
graciles alieno adipe suffarciant._"
* * * * *
MERCANTILE SUBTRACTION.--It is well understood in this country, that no
honest man can get a living, in consequence of the extraordinary
competition among us. It is therefore considered legal and justifiable
for the baker to "take toll" and make "dead men;" for the licensed
victualler to make "two butts out of one;" for the wine-merchant to
"doctor" his port; for the butcher to "hang on Jemmy;" for the printer
to make "corrections;" for the tailor to "cabbage;" for the grocer to
"sand his sugar and birch-broom his tea." The milkman "waters his milk"
by act of parliament; and to show that all this is in the order of
Providence, the rains of heaven _wet the coals_.
* * * * *
NATIONAL OR POLITICAL SUBTRACTION.--There is one part of the New
Testament which all Christian rulers have religiously observed, namely,
"Now, Cæsar issued a decree that all the world should be taxed." The art
of taxation is, therefore, not only a religious obligation, but is the
science of sciences and the most important part of National Arithmetic.
Taxation is necessary just as blood-letting is necessary in plethora.
Over-feeding produces a determination of the blood to the head, and
then radical rabidity breaks out into rebellion. Over-feeding requires
bleeding. There is a tendency in every industrious nation to get on too
fast. Taxation is the fly-wheel which softens and regulates the motion
of the national machinery, the safety valve which prevents explosion,
while that accumulation of taxation called the dead weight is a
"clogger" to keep things down.
Whenever there is a "rising," it is a sure sign that taxation is too
light; consequently taxation should be so accommodated to the habits,
tastes, and feelings of the people, as to fit them at all points, like
well-made harness. If they grow too enlightened we can double the
window-tax; if they be disposed to kick, put on the breeching in the
shape of an income-tax; if they go too much by the head, we can raise
the price of malt, and, by way of a martingale, put a duty on spirits;
if they jib, we can touch them on the raw with "the house duty;" if they
step out too fast, tighten the "bearing rein" by 10 per cent. on the
assessment; and should any attempt be made to _bolt_, we can secure them
with a curb, by a tax on absentees.
The perfection of taxation is to make it as much as possible like an
insensible perspiration; or to cause it to _subtract_, like the vampire
when lulling the victim to sleep, by fanning him with the wings of
patriotism and the hum-hum of a liberal oration, on the principle of
"Bleeding made easy."
[Illustration: "FORKING UP."]
RULE IV.
MULTIPLICATION.
9 × 1 = 9.
Multiplication teaches a short way of adding one number together any
number of times. Its sign is a cat o'-nine-tails; its symbol a
whipping-post. Since the wonderful powers of the number nine have been
publicly discussed, we have had no more shooting at her Majesty, (Heaven
preserve her!) which shows the transcendant powers of arithmetical
argument. The Egyptian plague of frogs and flies exemplifies this rule.
In Modern Rome we have multiplication of fleas. In Modern Babylon we
have multiplication of bugs, particularly humbugs. In the West Indies we
have multiplication of musquitoes and piccaninies, and in the East,
multiplication of oneself, as in the case of Abbas Mirza and his 1000
sons for a body guard.
* * * * *
MULTIPLICATION OF LAWS.--This is a favourite amusement with our modern
legislators. It naturally leads to the multiplication of lawyers, whose
proper calling is to set people together by the ears, for the
multiplication of dissensions. The original type of this order was the
plague of locusts.
* * * * *
DOMESTIC MULTIPLICATION, or Multiplication of miseries. This rule is
performed by taking unto oneself a wife for _better_ or _worse_; then,
multiplying as usual, and, at the end of fifteen or twenty years, having
the young "olive branches" round about our tables.
* * * * *
MULTIPLICATION OF MONEY.--This is the most universal case in the whole
rule. The _multipliers_ are the _operatives_, who are placed at the
bottom, instead of the top of the arithmetical scale. They may be
ranged, in general, as in the following:--
A cotton spinner, 3½_d._ a-day.
Spitalfields weaver, 4½_d._
Brummagem, 5½_d._
These digits are to be _worked_ from fourteen to sixteen hours a-day at
the lowest possible fraction of pay. The product is to be set down in
the 3½ per cents. or invested in the first unjust war in which this
nation may be engaged; or the whole aggregate of sums may be multiplied
by monopoly.
[Illustration: LAWYER DIVIDING THE OYSTER.]
RULE V.
DIVISION.
Do not think I write in jest,
Though something in derision,
Look east and west, and north and south,
There's nothing but Division.
The State, with Whigs and Radicals,
Is split up and divided,
The Church, with hungry pluralists,
Is getting quite lop-sided.
A split is in the methodists,
The jumpers and the shakers,
A split is with the baptists too,
A split is in the quakers.
The Jews have split like gentile dogs,
And some are trying daily
To send Mahomet to the hogs,
In spite of Mahommed Ali.
The law is split, and fees are down
To stop the rise of lawyers,
And costs are cut, oh! quite in half,
Just like a log by sawyers.
_Divide, divide,_ the Speaker cries,
Each night with voice of thunder,
But yet the law thus made "so wise,"
Most likely is a _blunder_.
Division teaches how to divide a number into two or more _equal_ parts,
as in the division of prize-money.
Division is of great importance, whether political, ecclesiastical,
commercial, civil, or social. Nothing is more likely to destroy your
opponents than a _split_. _Divide et impera_ is the true Machiavelian
policy of all governments.
Numbers, that is the multitude, are to be divided, in a variety of
ways,--by mob orators, or by mob-sneaks, or by parliamentary
flounderers, or by mystifying pulpit demagogues.
The divisors should generally endeavour to work into their own hands,
and the dividends may be compared to fleeced-sheep, plucked-geese,
scraped sugar-casks, drained wine-bottles, and squeezed lemons.
* * * * *
SOCIAL DIVISION.--The divisions here may be a tale-bearer, a gossip, or
a go-between, and the divisors will "separate" to fight like Kilkenny
cats, leaving nothing behind but two tails and a bit of flue. In a
township, a volunteer corps is an excellent _divisor_: you may kill the
adjutant by way of a quotient, on the surgical principle of "Mangling
done here."
In the division of property by will, be your own lawyer, and your
property will be divided to your heart's content; for, as your heirs
will most assuredly be divided amongst themselves, when they have done
fighting over your coffin for what does not belong to them, they will
call upon the Court of Chancery to divide it--principally among the
lawyers, according to the _lex non scripta_.
In the division of profits, first take off the _cream three times_, and
then divide the milk.
[Illustration: THE LION'S SHARE.]
In all kinds of "Division of Money" endeavour to carry out the principle
of the fable. Like the lion when dividing the spoil, consider that you
have a right to the _first_ part, because you are a lion; to the
_second_, because you are strong; to the _third_, because no one dares
dispute your right; and to the _fourth_, because no one is so able as
yourself to defend it. This is the lion's share.
* * * * *
DIVISION OF TIME.--"_Tempus fugit_," and therefore the due systematic
and proper division of time, in a rational manner, is the bounden duty
of every "beardling." All philosophers and some kings, whether from
Democritus to Tim Bobbin, or from Alfred the Great to that merry old
soul, "Old King Cole," have divided their time equitably, according to
the maxim of Horace, "_Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero_."
Modern life teaches and exhibits the same necessity for the rigid
division of the "stuff _life_ is made of," and the twenty-four hours may
be systematically divided, with great advantage, by young men, as
follows:--
HOURS.
1. To yawning, vertigo, head-ache and soda-water, say from one
to three, A.M. 2
2. From pulling off the night-cap to putting the first leg out
of bed 1
3. To "cat-lap," "broiled chickens," Lackadaisical Magazine,
"Dry Punch," and Gazette of Fashion 2½
4. To the study of "cash stalking," the art of post-obits, with
lessons from Professor Mœshes on the science of "Bondology."
(_Nocturnâ versate manu, versate diurnâ_) 1
5. To lounging, "dawdling," "muddling," sauntering, losing
oneself in "ins and outs," "nowheres," &c. 1½
6. To dressing for dinner, to getting on a pair of boots, half
an hour, swearing at coat quarter of an hour, selecting
vests half an hour, cursing pantaloons quarter of an hour,
shaving, and other unnecessaries 2½
7. To dining, wineing, brighting the eye, doubling the cape,
getting half seas over, going into port instead of finding
a champaign country 2
8. To dressing for opera, "titivating," "bear's greasing,"
curling, barbarizing, scenting, putting on opera countenance,
and ogling 1½
9. To tying on stock half an hour, to putting on gloves quarter
of an hour, to curling whiskers half an hour, to laying on
the rouge, &c. 1½
10. To bowing, scraping, hemming, hawing, yawning, toying,
soft-sawdering, salooning, staggering, cigaring, coaching,
and finishing 3½
12. To no one knows what--Nisi castè saltem cautè 5
---
24
LONG DIVISION.
Long Division is so called when a long time is taken for the division of
various sums, as in the case of the Deccan prize-money, or the Duke of
York's debts. In these cases, various persons are placed in the state
of _longing_--hence the name of the rule, which is a figurative
exemplification of "hope deferred."
* * * * *
RULE I--Teaches to work an expected legacy or an estate in reversion, or
a right of entail, with a "post-obit bond," cent. per cent. on a stiff
stamen.
* * * * *
RULE II--Teaches how to _wait_ for a living instead of working for one.
This is a hungry expectancy: yourself, in a consumption, with an
interesting cough, preaching as curate to an admiring congregation
principally composed of females, who bring jellies and jams,
pitch-plasters, electuaries, and pills, "bosom friends," and other
comforters, while the jolly incumbent, with his rosy gills and round
paunch, writes you once a quarter to dine with him, to see how well he
holds it.
* * * * *
RULE III. _Chancery Long Division._--This is an exemplification of the
"law's delay," and the rule is to be worked by giving the expectants the
"benefit of a doubt," which is not quite so pleasant in Chancery as in
criminal practice. The "Bidder" of this rule was John Lord Eldon.
* * * * *
RULE IV.--Beside long annuities, there are also long dividends. For
instance, in the case of Bamboozle, Humbug and Co. who lately declared
the third and last dividend of three-fourths of a farthing in a pound,
for the benefit of their creditors.
[Illustration: THE INSOLVENT TRAP.
"THE LAW BINDS, BUT THE LAW LOOSES."]
RULE VI.
REDUCTION.
Reduction is properly the "art of sinking." It teaches us, according to
Martin, to bring numbers to a lower name without altering their value.
When numbers are brought to a higher name, it is called Reduction
_ascending_, when to a lower, Reduction _descending_.
* * * * *
REDUCTION ASCENDING is to stand high in your own estimation, from the
convincing reason, that, as no one thinks anything of you, you ought to
think something of yourself. The visit of the Queen to Edinburgh raised
the baillies so high in their own estimation, that it took them three
hours to get up in a morning.
_Examples of Reduction ascending_ are to be found in the following
cases:--When a noodle is made a lord; 2. When Timothy Fig obtains a
baronetcy; 3. When Muggins keeps his "willa;" and when a beggar gets on
horseback.
* * * * *
REDUCTION ASCENDING FOR FEMALES.--Mrs. _General_ Swipes, Mrs. _Colonel_
Trashee, Mrs. _Major_ Minus, Mrs. _Alderman_ Bumble, Mrs.
_Common-sergeant_ Sprigings, Mrs. _Common-councilman_ Snigings, Mrs.
_Executioner_ Ketch, Mrs. _Beadle_ Blow-em-up, Mrs. _Corporal_ Casey.
_Reduction ascending_ is to be seen in the manufacturing districts; when
the body politic gets inflated, a "rising of the lights," that is, of
the _illuminati_, may be expected. In these risings the scum always gets
uppermost, and some political demagogue is ejected to parliament by a
revolutionary eruction--to be reduced to his own _level_ as a leveller.
* * * * *
REDUCTION DESCENDING.--
"Facilis descensus averni,
Sed revocare gradum, superasque evadere ad auras
Hic labor, hoc opus est."
This is the "old saw" Alderman Harmer used when he cut the city--or Lord
John in his "finality" speech--cut his own fingers.
POLITICAL REDUCTION.
There have been many examples of Political Reduction both in our last
and present ministry. The reduction of postage, so that it paid less
than the cost, was an exceedingly business-like act. The reduction of
cats'-meat in the storehouses at Plymouth, Woolwich, Portsmouth, and
Chatham, from a penny to three farthings a-day, was also an example of
legislative wisdom, and proved the maxim, "Sparus at the speketas
letouat the bungholeas."
The reduction of paupers' food to "doubly diminutive and beautifully
less" than that of the felon, is also "wisdom wonderful;" being a new
way of offering a premium upon crime, at about thirty and a third per
cent. It is presumed to have occurred with a view to the assistance of
Old Bailey practice, and of the Poor Law Commissioners, as it promotes
Coroners' inquests and saves coffins.
* * * * *
_Rule for the Reduction of Paupers._--Take "an operative," starve him in
the streets till he becomes light enough to make a shuttlecock of, then
place in his hands an order from an Edmonton magistrate, by way of a
feather; bandy him about from parish to parish till you are tired of the
game. Let him then fall into the lock-up of the station-house. Keep him
sixteen hours in a cold cell without food. Bring him before the Board,
put him on the refractory diet, water-gruel, poultice dumplings, and rat
roastings. Keep him till he becomes so thin as to lose his shadow, then
turn him into the streets to look for a job, with three yards of cord in
his pocket, and a direction to the nearest lamp-post, as an intimation
of what that job is to be.
A state may be _reduced_ in the same way by nip-cheese patriots. Such
"save-alls," when they lop off excrescences, bark the trunk--when they
prune redundances, let loose the sap. These "flint-skinners" grind down
professions, pare down dignities, sweat sovereigns, purge the
commonwealth, scour landlords, skin the army, starve the navy, scrape
religion to the backbone, sell the honour of their country for a mess of
porridge and its glory for a bag of moonshine; till at last John Bull
becomes as lean as a country whipping-post, and would hang himself, only
he has not _weight_ enough on him to produce strangulation.
[Illustration: "BLOWED PUFFERY."]
RULE VII.
PROPORTION.
GENERAL PRINCIPLES OF THE RULE.
Proportion is sometimes called the "Rule of Three," because a certain
system of conventionalisms has its origin in that, which is called, by
way of joke, the "Three Estates" of the realm--_King_, _Lords_, and
_Commons_; in other words, a _parliament_, so called from its being the
focus of palaver, in which originate those splendid specimens of
collective wisdom, known by the name of Acts of Parliament--because they
"won't act."
The theoretic proportion is, that numbers should be exactly
balanced,--that one sovereign should equal six hundred lords, that six
hundred lords should equal six hundred and fifty-eight commoners, and
that these should represent twenty-nine millions of people. Now, as the
interests of each of these estates are said in theory to be opposed to
each other, and as they are all theoretically supposed to pull three
opposite ways with equal force, it must follow that legislation would be
at a stand still, by the first law of mechanics, viz. that action and
reaction are always equal: but to prevent such a catastrophe of
stagnation, and to set in motion this beautiful machine, a pivot-spring,
in the shape of a prime minister, or prime mover, is superadded, and a
golden supply, fly, or budget wheel, is introduced, by which the
following subordinate, yet ruling principles are developed; and thus we
go on from age to age, making laws one day, and unmaking them the next,
for the sake of variety.
[Illustration: "OUT OF PROPORTION."]
THE WORKING OF THE RULE.
It must not be forgotten that this rule is one of proportionals, as its
name imports. It therefore teaches proportion in all its relations,
social and political; it is the rule of our country, and seeks to
develop that beautiful equality and justice, so conspicuous in all our
institutions, exemplified in the following well-known legal and
constitutional maxim, viz. "One man may steal a horse, but another must
not look over the hedge."
It is a maxim of English law, that punishment should be _proportionate_
to the offence, and have a relation to the moral turpitude of the
offender. Hence the seducer and adulterer only inquire, "What's the
damage?" By the same rule, it is held highly penal to sell the only ripe
fruit in England, roasted apples; and the stock in trade of the basket
woman is confiscated. She, too, is sent to the _Counter_--because she
is not rich enough to keep one with a shop attached.
[Illustration: CALLED TO ACCOUNT.]
This brings us to the _rationale_ of reward, and shows us the policy of
making a prison superior to a poor-house. This wise arrangement of the
collective wisdom of the Rule of Three (the three estates) is upon the
principle of _counter-irritation_, that is, the best way to administer
to the miserable is to inflict more misery, just as we put a blister on
one part to subdue inflammation on another, or set up a mercurial
disease to cure a liver complaint. On the other hand, we cure villany by
increased rations of beef, bread, beer, and potatoes, in accordance with
the maxim, that "the nearest way to a man's heart is through his
stomach."
[Illustration]
On the same principle of "Proportion," the operative is to have for his
share the pleasure of doing the labour; for if one man had the labour
and the gains too, it would be abominable, and destructive to all the
usages of society.
It is also strictly proportional, that we should pay not only for what
we have, but for that which we have not. _Thus_ church-rates ought to be
inflicted, not so much for the benefit of the church, but as the
substitute for that wholesome discipline of flagellation, unhappily
discontinued, and for the "good of the soul;" for if the spiritual
benefit be great to those who pay for what they receive only, how great
must be the reward of those who are content to pay for that which, they
not only do not receive, but which they will not have at any price!
Hence, it is possible that even _dissenters may be saved_--the trouble
of spending their money in other ways.
The "Tax upon Incomes" affords also a striking example of the doctrine
of Proportionals. It is so beautifully equalized, that the loss upon one
branch of trade is not to be set off against the gain of another, the
object of the act being, no doubt, to put a stop to trade altogether, as
the best means of placing things _statu quo_, the grand desideratum of
modern legislation.
"Bear ye each other's burdens" is a sublime maxim. The principle of the
lever is well brought to _bear_ in the doctrine of proportionals--and
shows how to shift the weight of taxation from the shoulders of the rich
upon those of the poor--
[Illustration: A SLIDING SCALE.]
The laws and regulations for the conduct of our civil polity and social
condition being founded on these divine principles, it is assumed as a
fundamental maxim, that "great folks will be biggest," and he who has
not learned that this is the ideal of true proportion, and who does not
recognise it in his practical philosophy, will be compelled to knock his
head against a wall to the day of his dissolution.
[Illustration: "BROKEN DOWN."]
RULE VIII.
FRACTIONS.
The word Fractions is from the Latin "Fractus," broken. A Fraction is
therefore a part or broken piece. A broken head is a fraction; a broken
heart is a fraction; a bankrupt is a fraction--he is _broken up_; yet a
horse is not a fraction, although he may be _broken in_--but his rider
may have a broken neck, which is called an irreducible fraction.
Speaking generally, therefore, a fraction may be considered as a
"Tarnation Smashification."
[Illustration: FRACTIONAL SIGNS.]
Fractions are of two kinds, _Vulgar_ and _Decimal_. Vulgar fractions are
used for common purposes, and examples may be seen in the plebeian part
of our commonalty, such as coal-heavers, costermongers,
sheriff's-officers, bailiffs, bagmen, cabmen, excisemen, lord-mayors,
lady-mayoresses, carpet-knights and auctioneers.
Vulgar fractions may be known by the way in which they express
themselves. They are more expressive than decimals; and the words, Go
it, Jerry--Jim along Josey--What are you at?--What are you
arter?--_Variety_--Don't you wish you may get it?--All round my
hat--Over the left--All right, and no mistake--Flare up, my covies--I
should think so--with those inexpressible expletives which add so much
to the force and elegance of our language, may be taken as specimens of
Fractions.
BREAKING UP NO HOLIDAY,
OR A
SALE BY AUCTION, IN BLANK VERSE.
By Doubledust Puffitoff, Esq.
[Illustration: "AN ANCIENT AND MODERN MUG."]
My Lords! Ladies and Gentlemen.
Cognoscenti, virtuosi, literati,
"Muffs," "mulls," and Flukins De Grati,
F.R.S.'s, F.A.S.'s and A.S.S.'s,
Curiosities of curiosity,
Cokletops and Old-bucks in variety,
"Court scum," "nobs," beaks, and humdrum,
And all that's rare and rum,
_Ad infinitum_,
Book-worms, bibliophilists, and antiquarians,
Soirarians, and Belle-Lettre-arians,
Single men of fashion, De Horsa,
De Calfa, De Goosa, De Donka,
De la De Palma de ston a,
Male Prima Donna.
Toad-eaters, lickspittles and glozers,
"Do nothings," "know nothings," and "dozers,"
"Tricksters," and "hucksters," and "snoozlers,"
Cozeners and bamboozlers,
Fumblers and mumblers,
Bunglers and stumblers,
Pokers and jokers,
Out and out "sticklers,"
And "very particulars;"
Oglers,
Bogglers,
Apron danglers,
And police "manglers,"
Bargain hunters--and grunters,
Bran-new saints made out of old sinners,
And young beginners,
Old bucks,
Lame ducks;
"Curmudgeons," "flats," and "gudgeons,"
Come all that's fashionable,
Femmes de Paradisiacal,
Whimsical and lackadaisical,
Languishing or sighing,
Dreaming or dying,
Harpies and beldames, dowagers and vidders,
And be my bidders,
"Black legs" and "blue stockings," walk up, walk up,
And see
What you shall see,
A perfect unique
Display of art, and a _Luscious_ Natura,
As I before said when I set you all agog,
In this here seven-and-sixpenny catalogue.
LOT I.
Here, Ladies, and Gentlemen, is a lot,
Being the earliest that must "go to pot."
I do declare,
'Tis very rare,
And mighty curious,
And nothing spurious,
Preserved from bye-gone ages,
Embalmed in sacred pages,
Of ancient poetry.
Who'll bid, who'll buy?
Be not shy,
Bid high.
Behold--the identical cupboard,
Of old Mother Hubbard;
The identical hat
The little dog wore
When nursing the cat;
The identical _pipe_
The little dog smoked
When she brought him the _tripe_;
The identical coffin
That set the dog laughing,
With these two are sorted,
As "neat as imported."
A brick of the corner
Of little Jack Horner,
Who eat of a Christmas pie;
He put in his thumb
And he pulled out "a _plum_,"
As you must do if you buy.
LOT II.
The next most splendid, _recherché_ and venerable,
Spick and span old antique, ingenerable
By modern authors or by modern art,
A _sui generis_ lot, not to be _matched_.
By _Lucifer_ himself not to be catched
By an old song, as the last was--
I speak _poss_.
_First_ is an original, aboriginal,
Primary, first hand, virgin copy,
Mouldy, musty, cobwebby, and ropy,
Of Dean Swift's "Maw wallop,"
With notes by Mrs. Trollope,
Which wraps the whole up
So decently, it takes the soul up
To the third heaven of ecstasy;
To which is added, An Essay upon Jalap.
_Second_, is the missal of old Nick,
Richly illuminated with flames ad flamina,
Fresh from "Blazes;"
Its smell of brimstone is sublime;
'Tis dedicated to the Ranters
And the Canters
Of Exeter Hall in the dog days,
Cum multis aliis ad gammona.
Who'll bid for this whole lot? one thousand--two,
Three, four, five, six,--say seven, and see what I will do.
"Gone!"
Doctor Lardner, I've knocked it down to you.
LOT III.
Now come the gems divine,
Each gem a shrine,
Whence men may fish up,
And after dish up,
Without a Bishop,
A heavenly worship;
And adore
These relics before.
_First_, is the vase de Barberino,
The Helmet of Mambrino
So renowned
In all climes
In which the cat was drowned;
Don Quixote's spear, and shield, and armour,
Lately worn by Alderman Harmer
Against the "Times."
_Second_, the sword of Jack the Giant Killer,
Made o' th' siller
Spent at the Ipswich election,
Braving detection.
_Third_, is the wishing cap of Fortunatus,
Worn by all young ladies in their teens,
That when they're married they may have the reins.
_Fourth_, is the night cap of the Cock-lane ghost,
When he fright'ned
The enlight'ned
Chartist host.
_Fifth_, is a stone out of the wall,
Of Pyramus and Thisbe,
And a charmed echo of Nick Bottom's roar,
Or louder snore
Of Mr. Muntz, when he thinks Lord John a bore.
_Sixth_, one of the seven-leagued boots, in which is
Made the interminable of Cobden's speeches,
Loose as the old coal-heaver Huntington's
Heaven-born breeches.
_Seventh_, the bottle of the bottle-conjurer,
Into which Lord Mounteagle, to please himself,
Can squeeze himself,
When in some plan of plunder or of pelf
He wants to ease himself.
_Eighth_, is the toe nail of the Dragon of Wantley,
Which Berkeley Grantley
Used as a sort of scarifying razor
Upon a Fraser.
_Ninth_, is the dish of Corn Law furmitory,
Into which Tom Thumb (Lord John) did jump when he
Let in another Ministry.
_Tenth_, a child's caul, a certain preservation
From drowning, useful to the nation,
In this great age of tea-to-tality,
And used by Mr. Buckingham
As an hydraulic ram,
To keep him dry,
When round the world to go he late did try.
_Eleventh_, is a bottle of pigeon's milk,
Soft as silk,
Which Boreing to the "Factory" deputation sent,
By way of reparation
For the depredation
Of sessions of misgovernment.
_Twelfth_, is the story of a cock and bull,
Edited by queer Joseph, and oft related to the house
When full.
_Thirteenth_, the eyelid of Homer, and the eye
Identical and very certain,
Of Betty Martin.
And, lastly, now to end this, Billy Martin, Peter
Parley, Prattle,
Are three blue beans in a blown bladder.
Rattle, bladder, rattle.
[Illustration: KNOCKING DOWN THE LOT.]
[Illustration: DONE BY INTEREST.]
RULE IX.
INTEREST, &c.
To think of getting on in this world without Interest, is ridiculous.
Place and Promotion are not for Fitness or Worthiness, but to serve
particular _Interests_, private or public; and yet a number of very
simple persons, who have as large a green streak in them as a _sage_
cheese, without its _sageness_, are continually wondering that virtue
and talent do not get all the "good things" of a vicious community.
Punch forbid! Is not virtue declared to be its _own_ reward? and as to
talent,--let a man be content with _that_. It is a positive monopoly to
covet _wit_ and _money_ too.
[Illustration: AT A PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT.]
To take care of our Interest is the great law of Nature, and is
universally followed. Every one for himself, and Fate for us all, as the
donkey said when he danced among the chickens, is as profound a maxim as
the _gnothi seauton_ of Plato. "Take care of yourself" is of more
importance than "Know thyself." To take care of oneself is a science
which comes home to every man's business and bosom. It is "wisdom"
identified with our personal character. It is philosophy turned to
account. It is morality above par. It is a religion in which "every man
may be his own parson," find his Bible in his ledger, his Creed in the
"stock-list," his Psalter in the tariff, his Book of Common Prayer in
the railway and canal shares, his Temple in the Royal Exchange, his
Altar in his counter, and his God in his money.
[Illustration: THE OLD AND NEW PRINCIPLE--BOTH WITH CREDIT.]
* * * * *