COM. Wall, I hed an idee that a spinster was allus a woman.
(_Scratching his head._)
EIGHTH PUPIL. My book says that _er_ means _one_ _who_, and anyway
_baker_ means one who bakes, and _builder_ means one who builds--and--
FIRST PUPIL. Does Quaker mean one who quakes?
COM. That ain't to the p'int, as I ken see!
EIGHTH PUPIL. Well, a spinster is one who spins, ain't it?
COM. Mebbe, mebbe! But heow ken ye say that of Seth Crane, that
never did a useful thing in his life?
EIGHTH PUPIL. I should think that any fellar that spins a top
'ud be a spinster.
COM. Wal, you've got me there, youngster. I reckon ye're right.
Next, tell me the meaning of excruciating.
GIRL (_glibly_). Excruciating means that natural and peculiar
prohibition of undulatory and molecular attraction which encompasses
the plausibility of capillary promulgation and gelatinous hyperbole,
while giving an enallage of paradigms.
COM. That's a likely gal. You'll make a good housekeeper one of
these days. Ef my wife hed sech a mem'ry as that, I shouldn't carry
her letters in my pocket tu weeks before mailin' 'em.
SAME PUPIL. Yes, sir; thank you, sir. But I don't quite understand
what it means by "encompassing the plausibility of capillary
promulgation"!
COM. Oh--ahem!--that is very simple--ahem! ahem! in fact it is
simplicity itself. It means--it means--well, I don't want to
overtax your young brain, my dear, so I will not explain now;
but one of these days, when you are as wise as me and your teacher,
you will understand all these profound thoughts. Hain't that so,
Mr. Snodgrass? Next, _terbacker_.
SEVENTH PUPIL. T-e-r, _ter_--b-a-c-k, _back_--_terback_--k-e-r,
_ker_--_terbacker_. A poisonous leaf with niggertine in it; and ef the
niggertine gets into the cistern, it'll kill a man quicker'n a dog.
FIRST PUPIL. I don't believe it's a poison. My brother smokes and
he ain't dead; 'nd my father's fifty years old 'nd he's smoked for
most forty years 'nd he ain't dead yet.
FOURTH PUPIL. Pooh! That's nothing. Ef your father hedn't smoked,
he mighter been a hundred by this time.
EIGHTH PUPIL. My grandfather's ninety years old and he's smoked too!
FOURTH PUPIL. Well, and ef _my_ grandfather was alive he'd be a
hundred and fifty years old! So that don't prove nothing.
THIRD PUPIL. Tobacco ain't no poisoner nor pickles, anyhow. (_Groan
from the girls._) I went into the store t'other day to get some
pickles for ma, and a feller--he was one o' them city chaps that
sells things--and he said, "You ain't going to eat them sour green
things, are you?" and I said, "No, I hain't; why?" And he told me
of a girl seventeen years old who eat pickuls and died! (_Horrified
look on girls' faces._) And they opened her stummick and them pickuls
had turned everything in it tu glass!! (_Confusion and whispering
among the girls. They indignantly shake their heads and say, "I don't
believe it," etc., etc._)