What a pity it is that the thousandth chance of a gentleman's becoming
your lover should deprive you of the pleasure of a free, unembarrassed,
intellectual intercourse with all the single men of your acquaintance!
Yet, such is too commonly the case with young ladies who have read a
great many novels and romances, and whose heads are always running on
love and lovers.
Where, as in this country, there is a fair chance of every woman's being
married who wishes it, the more things are left to their natural course
the better. Where girls are brought up to be good daughters and sisters,
to consider the development of their own intellectual and moral natures
as the great business of life, and to view matrimony as a good, only
when it comes unsought, and marked by such a fitness of things, inward
and outward, as shows it to be one of the appointments of God, they will
fully enjoy their years of single life, free from all anxiety about
being established, and will generally be the first sought in marriage by
the wise and good of the other sex; whereas those who are brought up to
think the great business of life is to get married, and who spend their
lives in plans and manoeuvres to bring it about, are the very ones
who remain single, or, what is worse, make unhappy matches.
Very young girls are apt to suppose, from what they observe in older
ones, that there is some peculiar manner to be put on in talking to
gentlemen, and not knowing exactly what it is, they are embarrassed and
reserved; others observe certain airs and looks, used by their elders in
this intercourse, and try to imitate them as a necessary part of company
behavior, and so become affected, and lose that first of
charms--simplicity, naturalness. To such I would say, your companions
are in error; it requires no peculiar manner, nothing to be put on, in
order to converse with gentlemen any more than with ladies; and the more
pure and elevated your sentiments are, and the better cultivated your
intellect is, the easier will you find it to converse pleasantly with
all. If, however, you happen to have no facility in expressing yourself,
and you find it very difficult to converse with persons whom you do not
know well, you can still be an intelligent and agreeable listener, and
you can show by your ready smile of sympathy that you would be sociable
if you could. There is no reason in the world why any one, who is not
unhappy, should sit in the midst of gay companions with a face so solemn
and unmoved, that she should seem not to belong to the company; that she
should look so glum and forbidding that strangers should feel repulsed,
and her best friends disappointed. If you cannot look entertained and
pleasant, you had better stay away, for politeness requires some
expression of sympathy in the countenance, as much as a civil answer on
the tongue.
Never condescend to use any little arts or manoeuvres to secure a
pleasant beau at a party, or during an excursion; remember that a woman
must always wait to be chosen, and "not unsought be won," even for an
hour. When you are so fortunate as to be attended by the most agreeable
gentleman present, do not make any effort to keep him entirely to
yourself; that flatters him too much, and exposes you to be joked about.
How strange a thing it is, in the constitution of English and American
society, that the subject, of all others the most important and the most
delicate, should be that on which every body is most given to joke and
banter their friends! Much mischief has been done by this coarse
interference of the world, in what ought to be the most private and
sacred of our earthly concerns; and every refined, delicate, and
high-minded girl should set her face against it, and, by scrupulously
refraining from such jokes herself, give no one a right to indulge in
them at her expense.
As soon as young ladies go into general society, they are liable to
receive attentions that indicate a particular regard, and, long before
they are really old enough to form any such ties, they often receive
matrimonial overtures; it is therefore highly necessary to know how to
treat them. The offer of a man's heart and hand is the greatest
compliment he can pay you, and, however undesirable to you those gifts
may be, they should be courteously and kindly declined; and since a
refusal is, to most men, not only a disappointment, but a mortification,
it should always be prevented, if possible. Men have various ways of
cherishing and declaring their attachment; those who indicate the bias
of their feelings in many intelligible ways, before they make a direct
offer, can generally be spared the pain of a refusal. If you do not mean
to accept a gentleman who is paying you very marked attentions, you
should avoid receiving him whenever you can; you should not allow him to
escort you; you should show your displeasure when joked about him; and,
if sounded by a mutual friend, let your want of reciprocal feelings be
very apparent.
You may, however, be taken entirely by surprise, because there are men
who are so secret in these matters that they do not let even the object
of their affections suspect their preference, until they suddenly
declare themselves lovers and suitors. In such a case as that, you will
need all your presence of mind, or the hesitation produced by surprise
may give rise to false hopes. If you have any doubt upon the matter, you
may fairly ask time to consider of it, on the grounds of your never
having thought of the gentleman in the light of a lover before; but, if
you are resolved against the suit, endeavor to make your answer so
decided as to finish the affair at once. Inexperienced girls sometimes
feel so much the pain they are inflicting, that they use phrases which
feed a lover's hopes; but this is mistaken tenderness; your answer
should be as decided as it is courteous.
Whenever an offer is made in writing, you should reply to it as soon as
possible; and, having in this case none of the embarrassment of a
personal interview, you can make such a careful selection of words as
will best convey your meaning. If the person is estimable, you should
express your sense of his merit, and your gratitude for his preference,
in strong terms; and put your refusal of his hand on the score of your
not feeling for him that peculiar preference necessary to the union he
seeks. This makes a refusal as little painful as possible, and soothes
the feelings you are obliged to wound. The gentleman's letter should be
returned in your reply, and your lips should be closed upon the subject
for ever afterwards. It is his secret, and you have no right to tell it
to any one; but, if your parents are your confidential friends on all
other occasions, he will not blame you for telling them.
Never think the less of a man because he has been refused, even if it be
by a lady whom you do not highly value. It is nothing to his
disadvantage. In exercising their prerogative of making the first
advances, the wisest will occasionally make great mistakes, and the best
will often be drawn into an affair of this sort against their better
judgment, and both are but too happy if they escape with only the pain
of being refused. So far from its being any reason for not accepting a
wise and good man when he offers himself to you, it should only
increase your thankfulness to the overruling providence of God, which
reserved him for you, through whose instrumentality he is still free to
choose.
There is no sure remedy for disappointed affection but vital religion;
that giving of the heart to God which enables a disciple to say, "Whom
have I in heaven but Thee, and there is none on earth that I desire in
comparison of Thee." The cure for a wounded heart, which piety affords,
is so complete, that it makes it possible for the tenderest and most
constant natures to love again. When a character is thus disciplined and
matured, its sympathies will be called forth only by superior minds;
and, if a kindred spirit presents itself as a partner for life, and is
accepted, the union is likely to be such as to make the lady rejoice
that her former predilection was overruled.