your attention; they are the customs of society; and if you do not
conform to them, you will gain the unenviable distinction of being
pointed out as an ignorant, ill-bred person. Not that you may _care_ the
more for strangers by showing them civility, but you should scrupulously
avoid the imputation of being deficient in good-breeding; and if you do
not choose to be polite for _their_ sakes, you ought to be so for _your
own_.
Letters of introduction should only be given by actual friends of the
persons addressed, and to actual friends of their own. Never, if you are
wise, give a letter to a person whom you do not know, nor address one to
one whom you know slightly. The letter of introduction, if actually
given to its bearer, should be left unsealed, that he may not incur the
fate of the Persian messenger, who brought tablets of introduction
recommending the new acquaintance to cut his head off. A letter of this
kind must therefore be carefully worded, stating in full the name of the
person introduced, but with as few remarks about him as possible. It is
generally sufficient to say that he is a friend of yours, whom you trust
your other friend will receive with attention, etc. In traveling it is
well to have as many letters as possible, but not to pin your faith on
them.
DINNER PARTIES.
Invitations to dine, from a married party, are sent in some such form as
the following:
Mr. and Mrs. A---- present their compliments to Mr. and Mrs. B----,
and request the honor, [or hope to have the pleasure] of their
company to dinner on Wednesday, the 10th of December next, at
seven.
A---- Street, November 18th, 18--.
R. S. V. P.
The letters in the corner imply "_Repondez, s'il vous plait_;" meaning,
"an answer will oblige." The reply, accepting the invitation, is
concluded in the following terms:
Mr. and Mrs. B---- present their compliments to Mr. and Mrs. A----,
and will do themselves the honor, [or will have much pleasure in]
accepting their kind invitation to dinner on the 10th of December
next.
B---- Square, November 21st, 18--.
The answer to invitations to dine, accepting or declining, should be
sent immediately, and are always addressed to the lady. If, after you
have accepted an invitation, anything occurs to render it impossible for
you to go, the lady should be informed of it immediately. It is a great
breach of etiquette not to answer an invitation as soon after it is
received as possible, and it is an insult to disappoint when we have
promised.
Cards or invitations for a dinner party, should be issued at least two
weeks beforehand, and care should be taken by the hostess, in the
selection of the invited guests, that they should be suited to each
other. Much also of the pleasure of the dinner-party will depend on the
arrangement of the guests at table, so as to form a due admixture of
talkers and listeners, the grave and the gay.
Letters or cards of invitation should always name the hour of dinner;
and well-bred people will arrive as nearly at the specified time as they
can. Be sure and not be a minute behind the time, and you should not get
there long before, unless the invitation requests you particularly to
come early for a little chat before dinner.
It is always best for the lady of the house, where a dinner-party is to
come off, to be dressed and ready to appear in the drawing-room as early
as possible, so that if any of the guests should happen to come a little
early, she may be prepared to receive them. It is awkward for both
parties where visitors arrive before the lady of the house is ready for
them. If it is necessary for her to keep an eye upon the dinner, it is
still best that she should familiarly receive her guests, and beg to be
excused, if it is necessary for her to vanish occasionally to the
kitchen. A real lady is not ashamed to have it known that she goes into
the kitchen; on the contrary, it is more likely that she will be a
little proud of being thought capable of superintending the preparing
feast.
It is not in good taste for the lady of the house, where a dinner-party
is given, to dress very much. She leaves it for her lady-guests to make
what display they please, and she offers no rivalry to their fine
things. She contents herself with a tasty _neglige_, which often proves
the most fascinating equipment after all, especially, if the cheeks
become a little flushed with natural bloom, in consequence of the
exercise and anxiety incident to the reception of the guests.
The half hour before dinner has always been considered as the great
ordeal through which the lady of the house, in giving a dinner-party,
will either pass with flying colors, or lose many of her laurels. The
anxiety to receive her guests, her hope that all will be present in good
time, her trust in the skill of her cook, and the attention of the other
domestics all tend to make the few minutes a trying time. The lady
however, must display no kind of agitation, but show her tact in
suggesting light and cheerful subjects of conversation, which will be
much aided by the introduction of any particular new book, curiosity of
art, or article of _virtu_, which may pleasantly engage the attention of
the company.
"Waiting for dinner," however, is a trying time, and there are few who
have not felt----
"How sad it is to sit and pine,
The long _half-hour_ before we dine!
Upon our watches oft we look,
Then wonder at the clock and cook,
And strive to laugh in spite of Fate!
But laughter forced, soon quits the room,
And leaves it to its former gloom.
But lo! the dinner now appears,
The object of our hope and fears,
The end of all our pain!"
In giving an entertainment of this kind, the lady should remember that
it is her duty to make her guests feel happy, comfortable, and quite at
their ease; and the guests should also consider that they have come to
the house of their hostess to be happy.
When dinner is on the table, the lady and gentleman of the house will
have an opportunity of showing their tact by seeing that the most
distinguished guests, or the _oldest_, are shown into the dining-room
first, and by making those companions at the table who are most likely
to be agreeable to each other. The lady of the house may lead the way,
or follow her guests into the dining-room, as she pleases. Among those
who delight to follow the etiquette of the English nobility, the latter
practice is followed. But the practice must not be considered a test of
good breeding in America. If the lady leads, the husband will follow
behind the guests, with the lady on his arm who is to sit at his side.
The old custom is still followed to some extent in this country, of the
lady taking the head of the table, with the two most favored guests
seated, the one at her right and the other at her left hand; while the
gentleman of the house takes the foot of the table, supported on each
side by the two ladies most entitled to consideration. But this old rule
is by no means slavishly followed in polite society in this country.
In order to be able to watch the course of the dinner, and to see that
nothing is wanting to their guests, the lady and gentleman of the house
usually seat themselves in the centre of the table, opposite each other.
When all the guests are seated, the lady of the house serves in plates,
from a pile at her left hand, the soup, which she sends round, beginning
with her neighbors right and left, and continuing till all are helped.
These first plates usually pass twice, for each guest endeavors to
induce his neighbor to accept what was sent to him.
The gentleman then carves, or causes to be carved by some expert guest,
the large pieces, in order afterwards to do the other honors himself. If
you have no skill in carving meats, do not attempt it; nor should you
ever discharge this duty except when your good offices are solicited by
him; neither can we refuse anything sent us from his hand.
HABITS AT TABLE.
As soon as dinner is announced, the host or hostess will give the signal
for leaving the drawing-room, and in all probability you will be
requested to escort one of the ladies to the table. If this should
occur, offer the lady your left arm, and at the table remain standing
until every lady is seated, then take the place assigned to you by the
hostess. When you leave the parlor, pass out first, and the lady will
follow you, still lightly holding your arm. At the door of the
dining-room, the lady will drop your arm. You should then pass in, and
wait at one side of the entrance till she passes you. Having arrived at
the table, each gentleman respectfully salutes the lady whom he
conducts, who in her turn, also bows and takes her seat.
Nothing indicates the good breeding of a gentleman so much as his
manners at table. There are a thousand little points to be observed,
which, although not absolutely necessary, distinctly stamp the refined
and well-bred man. A man may pass muster by _dressing well_, and may
sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly
_"au fait," dinner_ will betray him.
Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, or coarseness of manners, is
especially offensive at table. People are more easily disgusted at that
time than at any other. All such acts as leaning over on one side in
your chair, placing your elbows on the table, or on the back of your
neighbor's chair, gaping, twisting about restlessly in your seat, are
to be avoided as heresies of the most infidel stamp at table.
Though the body at table should always be kept in a tolerably upright
and easy position, yet one need not sit bolt-upright, as stiff and prim
as a poker. To be easy, to be natural, and to appear comfortable, is the
deportment required.
Always go to a dinner as neatly dressed as possible. The expensiveness
of your apparel is not of much importance, but its freshness and
cleanliness are indispensable. The hands and finger-nails require
especial attention. It is a great insult to every lady at the table for
a man to sit down to dinner with his hands in a bad condition.
It is considered vulgar to take fish or soup twice. The _reason_ for not
being helped twice to fish or soup at a large dinner-party is, because
by doing so you keep three parts of the company staring at you whilst
waiting for the second course, which is spoiling, much to the annoyance
of the mistress of the house. The selfish greediness, therefore, of so
doing constitutes its vulgarity. At a family dinner it is of less
importance, and is consequently often done.
You will sip your soup as quietly as possible from the side of the
spoon, and you, of course, will not commit the vulgarity of blowing in
it, or trying to cool it, after it is in your mouth, by drawing in an
unusual quantity of air, for by so doing you would be sure to annoy, if
you did not turn the stomach of the lady or gentleman next to you.
Be careful and do not touch either your knife or your fork until after
you have finished eating your soup. Leave your spoon in your soup plate,
that the servant may remove them.
Never _use your knife to convey_ your food to your mouth, _under any
circumstances_; it is unnecessary, and glaringly vulgar. Feed yourself
with a _fork_ or _spoon_, _nothing else_--a knife is only to be used for
cutting.
If at dinner you are requested to help any one to sauce, do not pour it
over the meat or vegetables, but on one side. If you should have to
carve and help a joint, do not load a person's plate--it is vulgar; also
in serving soup, one ladleful to each plate is sufficient.
Fish should always be helped with a silver fish-slice, and your own
portion of it divided by the fork aided by a piece of bread. The
application of a knife to fish is likely to destroy the delicacy of its
flavor; besides which, fish sauces are often acidulated; acids corrode
steel, and draw from it a disagreeable taste.
The lady and gentleman of the house are, of course, helped last, and
they are very particular to notice, every minute, whether the waiters
are attentive to every guest. But they do not press people either to eat
more than they appear to want, nor _insist_ upon their partaking of any
particular dish. It is allowable for you to recommend, so far as to say
that it is considered "excellent," but remember that tastes differ, and
dishes which suit _you_, may be unpleasant to others; and that, in
consequence of your urgency, some modest people might feel themselves
compelled to partake of what is disagreeable to them.
Neither ladies nor gentlemen ever wear gloves at table, unless their
hands, from some cause, are not fit to be seen.
Avoid too slow or too rapid eating; the one will appear as though you
did not like your dinner, and the other as though you were afraid you
would not get enough.
Making a noise in chewing your food, or breathing hard in eating, are
unseemly habits, which will be sure to get you a bad name at table,
among people of good-breeding. Let it be a sacred rule that _you cannot
use your knife, or fork, or teeth too quietly_.
Avoid picking your teeth, if possible, at table, for however agreeable
such a practice might be to yourself, it may be offensive to others. The
habit which some have of holding one hand over the mouth, does not avoid
the vulgarity of teeth-picking at table.
Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular part of a
dish; but if your host asks you what part you prefer, name some part, as
in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose as
well as carve for you.
If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, especially if you
have chosen the food upon it, for others have also a choice, and by
passing it, you may give your neighbor dishes distasteful to him, and
take yourself those which he would much prefer.
If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no remarks about
it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain at a table how one article
makes you sick, or why some other dish has become distasteful to you. I
have seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched,
because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote about finding
vermin served in a similar dish.
If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too well-done, do not
eat it; give for an excuse that you prefer some other dish before you;
but never tell your host that his cook has made the dish uneatable.
If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person,
politeness requires him to save them all trouble of pouring out for
themselves to drink, and of obtaining whatever they are in want of at
the table. He should be eager to offer them whatever he thinks to be
most to their taste.
Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless she desire you, and then
be careful to use your fork to hold it; you may sometimes offer to
_divide a very large pear_ with or for a person.
It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every dish that is set
before you; but if there are some things that are really very nice, it
is well to speak in their praise. But, above all things, avoid seeming
indifferent to the dinner that is provided for you, as that might be
construed into a dissatisfaction with it.
Some persons, in helping their guests, or recommending dishes to their
taste, preface every such action with a eulogy on its merits, and draw
every bottle of wine with an account of its virtues; others, running
into the contrary extreme, regret or fear that each dish is not exactly
as it should be; that the cook, etc., etc. Both of these habits are
grievous errors. You should leave it to your guests alone to approve, or
suffer one of your intimate friends who is present, to vaunt your wine.
If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be careful to speak to him
gently in the tone of _request_, and not of _command_. To speak to a
waiter in a driving manner will create, among well-bred people, the
suspicion that you were sometime a servant yourself, and are putting on
_airs_ at the thought of your promotion. Lord Chesterfield says: "If I
tell a footman to bring me a glass of wine, in a rough, insulting
manner, I should expect that, in obeying me, he would contrive to spill
some of it upon me, and I am sure I should deserve it."
Should your servants break anything while you are at table, never turn
round, or inquire into the particulars, however annoyed you may feel.
If your servants betray stupidity or awkwardness in waiting on your
guests, avoid reprimanding them _publicly_, as it only draws attention
to their errors, and adds to their embarrassment.
Never commit the vulgarism of speaking when you have any food in your
mouth.
When you have occasion to change or pass your plate during dinner, be
careful and remove your knife and fork, that the plate _alone_ may be
taken, but after you have finished your dinner, cross the knife and fork
on the plate, that the servant may take all away, before bringing you
clean ones for dessert.
Do not put butter on your bread at dinner, and avoid biting or cutting
your bread from the slice, or roll; rather break off small pieces, and
put these in your mouth with your fingers.
It is considered vulgar to dip a piece of bread into the preserves or
gravy upon your plate and then bite it. If you desire to eat them
together, it is much better to break the bread in small pieces, and
convey these to your mouth with your fork.
Avoid putting bones, or the seeds of fruit, upon your table-cloth.
Rather place them upon the edge of your plate.
When you wish to help yourself to butter, salt, or sugar, use the
butter-knife, salt-spoon and sugar-tongs; to use your own knife, spoon
or fingers evinces great ignorance and ill-breeding.
It is customary in some American families to serve their guests with
coffee in the parlor after dinner. But this is a European custom which
is not generally practiced in polite American society. When coffee is
given at the close of the dinner, it is more usual to serve it before
the guests leave the table. The practice of handing it round in the
parlor or drawing-room, is an unnecessary inconvenience to the guests
particularly, without any compensating advantages.
Finger-glasses are generally handed round as soon as the viands are
removed, but they are intended merely to wet the fingers and around the
mouth. When the finger-glasses are passed, wet your fingers in them and
then wipe them upon your napkin. The habit of rinsing the mouth at table
is a disgusting piece of indelicacy, which is never practiced by any
well-bred person.
Upon leaving the table, lay your napkin beside your plate, but do not
fold it.
Do not leave the table until the lady of the house gives the signal, and
when you leave offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to the
table.
It is generally the custom in this country for ladies to retain their
seats at table till the end of the feast, but if they withdraw, the
gentlemen all rise when they leave the table, and remain standing until
they have left the room.
Politeness demands that you remain at least an hour in the parlor, after
dinner; and, if you can dispose of an entire evening, it would be well
to devote it to the person who has entertained you. It is excessively
rude to leave the house as soon as dinner is over.
WINE AT TABLE.
Almost every gentleman has wine at his table whenever he has invited
guests. Indeed, wine is considered an indispensable part of a good
dinner, to which ladies and gentlemen have been formally invited. Even
if you are a total-abstinence man yourself, you will not, if you are
really a gentleman, attempt to compel all your guests to be so against
their wish. If you are so fanatical that you have what is called
"conscientious scruples" against furnishing wine, then you should invite
none to dine who are not as fanatical and bigoted as yourself. You must
consider that a gentleman may have "conscientious scruples" against
dining with you on cold water, for there are even temperate and sober
gentleman who would go without meat as soon as be deprived of their
glass of wine at dinner. The vegetarian, who would force his guests to
dine on cabbages and onions, is hardly guilty of a greater breach of
etiquette than the total-abstinence fanatic who would compel his guests
to go without wine.
If there is a gentleman at the table who is known to be a
total-abstinence man, you will not urge him to drink. He will suffer his
glass to be filled at the first passage of the wine, and raising it to
his lips, will bow his respects with the rest of the guests, and after
that his glass will be allowed to remain untouched. As little notice as
possible should be taken of his total-abstinence peculiarity. And, if he
is a gentleman, he will carefully avoid drawing attention to it
himself.
It is not now the custom to ask a lady across the table to take wine
with you. It is expected that every lady will be properly helped to wine
by the gentleman who takes her to the table, or who sits next to her.
But if you are in company where the old custom prevails, it would be
better breeding to follow the custom of the place, rather than by an
omission of what your entertainer considers civility, to prove him, in
face of his guests, to be either ignorant or vulgar. If either a lady or
gentleman is invited to take wine at table, they must _never refuse_; if
they do not _drink_, they need only touch the wine to their lips. Do not
offer to help a lady to wine until you see she has finished her soup or
fish.
Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing is more ill-bred than
to grease your glass with your lips.
Do not propose to take wine with your host; it is his privilege to
invite you.
It is considered well bred to take the same wine as that selected by the
person with whom you drink. When, however, the wine chosen by him is
unpalatable to you, it is allowable to take that which you prefer, at
the same time apologizingly saying, "Will you permit me to drink
_claret_?" or whatever wine you have selected.
In inviting a lady to take wine with you at table, you should politely
say, "Shall I have the pleasure of a glass of wine with you?" You will
then either hand her the bottle you have selected, or send it by the
waiter, and afterwards fill your own glass, when you will politely and
silently bow to each other, as you raise the wine to your lips. The same
ceremony is to be observed when inviting a gentleman.
On raising the first glass of wine to his lips, it is customary for a
gentleman to bow to the lady of the house.
It is not customary to propose _toasts_ or to drink deep at a
gentleman's family table. Lord Byron describes "a largish party," as
"first silent, then talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then
unintelligible, then altogethery, then drunk." But this was "a largish
party," which, it is to be hoped, was given at a tavern; for the man who
drinks to intoxication, or to any considerable degree of _elevation_, at
a gentleman's family table, ought never to expect to be invited a second
time.
At dinner-parties which are given to gentlemen, for the purpose of
conviviality, one may indulge in as much wine as he pleases, provided he
does not get _drunk_, and make a nuisance of himself. Where drinking,
and toasting, and bumpers, are the order of the feast, as at a public
dinner, given in honor of a distinguished man, or at the inauguration of
some public enterprise, far greater latitude is allowed, in all things,
than on more private and select occasions.
In conclusion of our article on table etiquette, we quote from a recent
English work, some humorous, but valuable hints:
"We now come to habits at table, which are very important. However
agreeable a man may be in society, if he offends or disgusts by his
table traits, he will soon be scouted from it, and justly so. There are
some broad rules for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant to
help you, never help yourself. Never put a knife into your mouth, not
even with cheese, which should be eaten with a fork. Never use a spoon
for anything but liquids. Never touch anything edible with your fingers.