CARETAKERS AND GOVERNESSES
Because of her versatile adaptability to the management of details,
woman, all through the ages, has willingly and happily sacrificed
herself upon the altar of service. It is not in the province of this
chapter to go into the details of the tribal life of the early hordes
and clans that came from the north and from the east to establish
civilization in the cities of Rome and Britain--space forbids. In this
chapter we wish to hold up a picture to the mother, a picture which
may speak volumes to her soul; one which perhaps she may ruthlessly
throw away--nevertheless, we propose to exhibit it.
HOMEMAKING VS. HOUSEKEEPING
A newspaper woman in my office recently told me a story of a mother
who finished her high-school education, took some work in a
university, and who yielded to the earnest pleas of her
lover-classmate through grammar school, high school and college--and
married him. To this happy family there came a number of beautiful
children. The mother willingly, lovingly, cared for them during their
helpless infancy--made their clothes, managed their meals, opened the
door for them as they came home from school, met them with a cheery
story, listened to their problems, helped them with their lessons--but
all through it, first, last and all the time, she also managed the
entire home. She dusted the furniture, changed the curtains, looked
after the linen, mended the clothes, and even pressed the trousers of
her "rapidly rising" husband that he might go out into his "club life"
and enjoy the evenings with his associates. The duties of the day so
wearied her, and the night vigils with the sick child,--looking after
the little coughs, the uncovered shoulders, getting the drinks of
water and performing a dozen other details--that she was too weary to
accompany her husband to the dance, to the theater, to the social
gathering or to ladies' night at the club; and so, in the course of a
dozen years, the mother had grown old, and quite naturally she had
grown "home centered." Her world's horizon was the walls of her home.
She was happy and quite contented in her children's smiles, in the
cheery "how do you do" of her husband, in the fact that that gravy was
good or that steak was fried to the king's taste.
She was happy and contented until one day when the awakening blow
came. In the attic she and her thirteen-year-old son, who was just
entering high school, were looking through an old chest when she drew
forth some examination reports and some old school cards--holding them
up side by side. One set of the cards bore the father's name and the
other set the mother's maiden name. In great surprise the boy
exclaimed, "Why, mother, I never knew you studied algebra and Latin;
why, mother, I never knew you were educated." Her eyes were
immediately opened, the scales fell off, she was awakened to the fact
that her own son was coming to regard his mother as somewhat inferior,
in intellectual attainments, to the father--that she was considered in
that home as a mere domestic. True, the steak had been broiled well,
the pudding was exquisite, the children's clothes were always in
order, the husband's trousers were always beautifully pressed, his
ties were cleaned as well as a cleaner could clean them; but where did
she stand in her boy's mind and where was she in her husband's mind?
"Do you notice how trim and nice Mrs. Smith always looks? Her clothes
are always in the latest style, and she combs her hair so becomingly."
Such remarks as this from the well-meaning husband cut keenly, and it
is well that they do, for often it is only such remarks that wake up
our "home mother."
Dear reader, I want you to ponder this story. I wish to say to the
mother who has started out upon a career in life, who has prepared
herself for teaching school, for a business career, for story writing,
for millinery, for lecturing, or has perhaps graduated in a domestic
science course, that she makes the mistake of her life in settling
down, just because she has taken another's name, to be perfectly
satisfied with becoming the household domestic, the household mender,
the household cook.
MOTHERS IN THE PROFESSIONS
I have in my acquaintance scores of mothers in the professions,
newspaper women, women who have carved out brilliant careers for
themselves, women who have taught school for twenty years while their
children have been growing up, women physicians who have risen in the
esteem of all their professional brothers and sisters, women who have
conducted cooking schools, who have occupied positions of trust in
hospitals and in every walk of life, and who have successfully reared
children at the same time.
You will pardon me for being personal when I say that since our own
little fellow was six weeks old his clothes have been washed and
mended and his food has been prepared by earnest and honest women who
had not fitted themselves for the career which this boy's mother had
chosen. His mother went to her office, cared for her patients, kept up
by the side of her husband in the battle of life. All the time there
was a woman at home just devoted to that little fellow.
A newspaper woman recently told me her story--a story which should
impress everyone of my readers as it did myself, and she, like many
other mothers in the professions, leaves her home as the little fellow
goes to school. His hands have been washed, his bowels have moved, his
hair has been combed, his breakfast has been eaten by the side of his
mother--she has directed it all. He goes forth to the schoolroom and
she goes forth to her profession. All through the day she lovingly
keeps in mind these children that are growing up. She works the
harder, real love entering into everything she does, because she is
not merely earning the bread that goes into their mouths, but is
forming a character not only for herself but, because of her broadened
horizon, is instilling into their little minds the possibilities of
their own career, their own opportunity to enter into the world's work
as real world workers.
I contend that the mother in a profession has many blessings that the
mother who remains at home never has. The mother who remains at home
has a viewpoint that is often quite likely, wholly unconsciously, of
course, to become small, to become narrow, to become focused upon
small details; on the other hand, the mother whose mind and whose
heart are so full of the affairs of the office, of the newspaper
article she has just written, or the lecture she has just given or is
about to give, or the meeting that she is to preside over, is quite
likely to become somewhat irritated sometimes if the little fellow
doesn't stand quietly to have his hair combed, she is quite likely to
"feel rushed;" but under all circumstances, dear reader, whether this
mother be a home mother or in a profession, never, never must she
allow mental panic to seize her. Ever must we keep in mind that these
little ones are just children--children that are still in the
developmental stage.
WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME
And now for the home mother. I believe it is necessary and of
paramount importance that she get away from her children (if possible)
several hours each day; that she provide for them a caretaker who can
relieve the children of her or relieve her of the children, whichever
way you may look at it, for we are inclined to think that the children
often tire of the mother just about as often as the mother tires of
the children. I would have the woman who remains at home, whose
husband is able to provide outside help for the heavy work of the
house, enter into some uplifting neighborhood work, social settlement
work, church work, wholesome club work--anything but bridge and whist
and gambling games. I would have them bring into the nursery a woman
who is cheery, who is capable of teaching games, of entertaining and
amusing these little folks under their own roof.
The woman who has graduated from high school, who has a diploma to
teach, I would have take a school or, at least, do substitute work.
She will be happier--far happier--continuing along the lines for which
she has prepared herself, even if all the money she earns be used to
pay the help. Some women are especially fitted for the important work
of mother and homemaker, and such wives will find for themselves a
worthy career in the home and its neighborhood activities. Each woman
must find a field of action suited to her own temperament, education,
experience, talents, and opportunities.
SELECTING A CARETAKER
For a caretaker, the professional or business woman should not select
an ignorant servant girl; that would be a great mistake--a crime--a
violation of the law that should govern the training of these little
people who have come to us to be reared and cared for and fitted to
occupy their place among the world's workers. As a rule, one soul does
not possess the qualifications for scrubbing and laundry work and also
the firm but gentle ministering qualifications necessary for a
successful caretaker. They do not combine as a rule. It has been my
experience, as a mother with a profession, and that of many others of
my acquaintances, that an art student or a music student makes a
splendid caretaker. There are hundreds and hundreds of genteel women,
with winning manners and beautiful dispositions, who may be obtained
to sew on the buttons, wash the faces, and change the clothes of our
darlings while we are carrying forward in the world the great work for
which we have fitted ourselves during the long struggles of our teens
and early twenties.
The young woman who is brought in to care for the child should be
above the usual "servant" class. She must eat in our dining-room, she
should be welcome in the living-room or sun parlor, and be treated as
a respected member of the family. Her salary is usually not large for
she realizes that she is given something in that home--something that
money cannot buy.
THE UP-TO-DATE MOTHER
Now this young woman (the caretaker) wants to hold her position, and
so she is very anxious to carry out in detail the laws and rules that
are laid down by the mother. Mother can keep abreast with the world,
mother has time to read periodicals that keep her in touch with the
great, wide, pulsating affairs of life. She is able to meet more
women worth while, and with her husband attend lectures, musicals,
theaters, and other places for intellectual culture.
Anyone of my readers need not look four blocks from her home to find a
mother who is run down at the heel, whose dresses are calico, whose
hat is five or six years old, whose black silk dress (the only one she
ever had) is worn shiny or threadbare, who works and saves every penny
that she can that her children may look well; and, even when the
husband does invite her to go out with him, he will often be
confronted with this remark: "John, I would like to go, but really my
clothes are a little bit shabby." The world is just full of such
women, with their very hearts being eaten out of them for the want of
a beautiful gown, a beautiful hat or a pretty pair of evening shoes,
and they might have them every one if they would be willing to allow
the duties of the household to be presided over by a woman that cannot
do the things the mother can do, while she goes out and accrues a
number of dollars each week which will more than provide for the
things that her soul desires so that she may go well dressed by the
side of her husband in quest of that very necessary intellectual
culture and social diversion.
The wife of a prominent judge, in my office just this week, said to me
that she believed that most of our social and domestic uneasiness was
due to the fact that fathers and mothers and children went out
together so seldom. The father goes to his club, the children go to
their little gatherings, and mother usually stays at home; although of
late, she is beginning to realize the value of the women's clubs.
QUALIFICATIONS OF THE GOVERNESS
The caretaker should not be too old. It is a very great blessing if
there is an older sister in the family who can come in and assist with
this work, or if there is an aunt. If one is to be selected from the
open market, then we suggest a woman in her late teens or early
twenties whose heart is full of play, whose face is sunny, and who is
young enough to appreciate and like the becomingness of youthful
dress. It is needless to say she should be free from tuberculosis and
other diseases. She should be trustworthy enough not to administer
soothing syrups because the children won't sleep, or to give candy
when mother has forbidden her, or to teach the children bad habits of
any sort.
It is impossible to exercise too much care in the selection of this
substitute mother, and when you do find one it is often wise not to
keep her too long. A year or so is plenty long enough for any person
to be with our children. It is only necessary for anyone to walk out
into the public parks and casually listen to the conversations of many
of the "chewing-gum caretakers" to discover with what carelessness
some people select caretakers for their children. The language they
use is not only ungrammatical but oftentimes both slangy and profane.
The flirtations carried on with many of the park policemen and
bystanders lead us to feel that many people arrive at the idea that
their little folks "will grow up some way." If the caretaker is a
student, a young woman of culture, and is kept with the family, she
will be found to be more circumspect and dependable. Her gentleman
friend, if she has one, should be allowed to come to the home. She
does not have to meet him out in the park any more than a sister would
have to go away from home to meet a friend; and, to my mind,
everything centers around the viewpoint of the mother as she selects
this caretaker, for if she is her social equal it puts her in a
different place entirely to the well-meaning but ignorant servant girl
to whose care is often intrusted the lives of the little people.
HINTS FOR THE CARETAKER
There are a number of hints we wish to bring together in this chapter
for the mother to suggest to the caretaker. For instance, here is a
group that one author gives us:
BABY IS HAPPY BECAUSE
He is dry.
He is healthy.
His food is right.
He has sleep enough.
His meals are on time.
He is dressed properly.
He is bathed regularly.
His habits are regular.
His bowels move regularly.
He has fresh air day and night.
He is not dosed with patent medicines.
He is not excited by frequent handling.
He is not annoyed by flies or other insects.
THINGS BAD FOR BABIES
Candy.
Pacifiers.
Thumb-sucking.
Soothing syrups.
Patent medicines.
Waterproof diapers.
Moving picture shows.
Sucking on empty bottles.
Being kissed on the mouth.
Play of any sort after feeding.
Sleeping in bed with the mother.
Whiskey or gin for supposed colic.
Sneezing or coughing in the face.
Irregular or too frequent feedings.
Sleeping on the mother's breast while nursing.
Spitting on handkerchief to remove dirt from baby's face.
Allowing a person with a cough or a cold to hold the baby.
Violent rocking, bouncing, and rollicking play at any time.
Dirty playthings, dirty nipples, dirty bottles, dirty floors.
Allowing any person with tuberculosis to take care of the baby.
Testing the temperature of the baby's milk by taking the
nipple in the mouth.
THINGS TO REMEMBER
Keep baby out of dust.
Don't cover his face.
Don't rock him to sleep.
Keep baby away from crowds and sick people.
Don't neglect a sore throat or a running ear.
His health, growth, and happiness depend largely upon _you_.
Cats and dogs have no place about a baby. They carry disease.
The baby is not a toy or a plaything, but a great responsibility.
Don't wipe out baby's mouth. It tends to cause ulcers and thrush.
OVERCOMING BAD HABITS
There are a few bad habits which older children fall into such as
lip-sucking or thumb-sucking or finger-sucking which not only narrow
and deform the upper jaw, but likewise deform the hand itself. They
should be stopped at the earliest opportunity by pinning the sleeve to
the bedding or putting mittens on the hand or putting a slight splint
on the anterior bend of the elbow. Some children suck their
handkerchiefs, or bite holes in their aprons and neckties.
Children often bite their finger nails, and a habit of this kind fully
developed during early childhood often remains with them throughout
life; whenever a nervous spell seizes them they instantly begin to
bite their finger nails. Other people pick their nose when nervous, so
during very early childhood these habits should be discouraged. One
mother helped her little son by beautifully manicuring his nails for
him each week. Another child was cured by old-fashioned spanking. The
finger tips may be painted with tincture of aloes, or dipping the tips
of the fingers in strong quinine water will sometimes help. I know of
nothing better for the adolescent child than to teach him how properly
to manicure his own nails. Another bad habit that children often get
into is stooping or allowing the shoulders to become rounded. Shoulder
braces are not indicated in these cases. The children should be
allowed to enter the gymnasium or the father should take off his coat
and vest and go through gymnasium stunts with the boy. The mother can
do the same for the girl. It is often the case that round-shouldered
children are near sighted. The child really has to stoop to see
things. When a child holds his head to one side constantly on looking
at objects, astigmatism, an error of eyesight, is usually indicated.
An eye specialist should be consulted, the eyes examined, and properly
fitted eye glasses should be worn.
Just as early as possible in the life of the little child he should be
taught to blow his nose, to spit out the coughed up mucus from his
lungs, to hold out his tongue for inspection and to allow his throat
to be examined. He should be taught to gargle, and to regard the
physician as one of his best friends. Attention to these minor
accomplishments will make it very easy indeed for the physician in
case of illness.