Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under
a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of
nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn
in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which,
when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his
position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average.
Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with
sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple.
A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's
Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere.
The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the
defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City,
in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have
funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe.
Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half
reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day
surprisingly.
* * * * *
PERSONS WHO WOULD BENEFIT BY CREMATION.--Charwomen.
* * * * *
FORCED POLITENESS.--Bowing to circumstances.
* * * * *
A NAME OF ILL OMEN.--Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and
do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid
going down Long Acre.
* * * * *
PAWNBROKERS' "DUPLICATES."--Their twins.
* * * * *
HAGIOLOGY ON 'CHANGE.--_The Brokers' Patron_--St. Simon Stock.
* * * * *
MOTTO FOR A TAILOR WHO MAKES COATS OF THE BEST ENDURING CLOTH.--_Fuimus,
i.e., We Wear._
* * * * *
THE LICENSING SYSTEM.--The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid
magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak.
* * * * *
THE BEST NOTE PAPER.--Bank of England.
* * * * *
[Illustration: CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR
_Cabby_ (_to Gent who has been dining out_). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is
your 'ouse--get out--be careful, sir--'ere's the step?"
_Gent._ "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my _feet?_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Employer_ (_who simply_ WON'T _take any excuse for
unpunctuality_). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and
come at the proper time!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Hairdresser._ "Hair begins to get very thin, sir."
_Customer._ "Yes."
_Hairdresser._ "Have you tried our tonic lotion?"
_Customer._ "Yes. That didn't do it though."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!"
"Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: HOW THE POOR LIVE
The Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for
himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish.
[_He'll give them a little notice next time._
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _First Workman._ "Wot's it say, Bill, on that old
sun-dial?" _Second Workman_ (_reading deliberately_). "It says,
'Do--to--day's-work--to--day.'" _First W._ "'_Do TWO days' work
to-day!_' Wot O! Not me!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SOCIAL EVOLUTION.--_Tramp_ (_to benevolent but
inquisitive lady_).--"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a
'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the
'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got into _low
water_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Miss Smith._ "We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor."
_The Doctor_ (_very deaf_). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than
we've been having!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED.
_Robinson._ "Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?"
_Smith_ (_who had dined out_). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched
the pillow, it went round and round!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Cab Tout._ "I say, Bill, lend me sixpence."
_Cabby._ "I can't; but I can lend you fourpence."
_Cab Tout._ "All right. Then you'l owe me twopence."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Barber._ "Your 'air's getting very thin on the top, sir.
I should recommend our wash."
_Customer._ "May I ask if that invigorating liquid is what _you_ have
been in the habit of using?"
[_Dead silence._
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: FOGGY WEATHER.--"Has Mr. Smith been here?"
"Yes; he was here about an hour ago."
"Was I with him?"]
* * * * *
HIGHLY PROBABLE.--We understand that in consequence of the high price of
meat, the Beef-eaters at the Tower have all turned vegetarians.
* * * * *
WHAT MILLIONAIRES SMOKE.--Golden returns.
* * * * *
THE UNIVERSAL WATCHWORD.--Tick!
* * * * *
[Illustration]