_Friend._ Any news? Anything in the papers?
_Government Clerk._ Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my
boy.
* * * * *
WHY should a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always
following soot.
* * * * *
BUSINESS.--_Inquirer_ (_drawing up prospectus_). Shall I write "Company"
with a big C?
_Honest Broker._ Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents
"Company" with a capital.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Shave, or hair cut, sir?"
"_Corns_, you fool!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NOT FOR JOSEPH!]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PROOF POSITIVE
_Old Lady._ "Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?"
'_Spectable-looking Man_ (_But_--). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me,
mad'm--for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"]
* * * * *
THE SINKING FUND.--The Royal Humane Society's income.
* * * * *
SHREWD SUGGESTION.--It often happens, when the husband fails to be home
to dinner, that it is one of his _fast_ days.
* * * * *
THE SCHOOL OF ADVERSITY.--A ragged school.
* * * * *
NEVER WASTE YOUR TIME.--Waste somebody else's.
* * * * *
MEN OF _THE_ TIME.--Chronometer makers.
* * * * *
A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle
of next week.
* * * * *
THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office.
* * * * *
SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's.
* * * * *
STUFF AND NONSENSE.--A City Banquet, and the speeches after it.
* * * * *
[Illustration: ZOOLOGY
"That's a porkypine, Sarah."
"No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"]
* * * * *
THE FISH MARKET.--Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of
everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon,
and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a
comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the
opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would
gladly have been released if such a course had been possible.
* * * * *
"THE BEST POLICY."--That with the largest bonus.
* * * * *
FALSE QUANTITY.--Short measure.
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS]
* * * * *
CONSOLATION STAKES.--Those you get at a City tavern the day after you
have tried to eat the article at home.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A HORRIBLE BUSINESS.--_Master Butcher._ "Did you take old
Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?" _Boy._ "Yes, sir." _Master Butcher._
"Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs
until they're quite tender!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Little Girl_ (_to Newsvendor, from whom she has just
purchased the latest war special_). "'Ere's your _paper_! Father says,
if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in
it."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_from the country_). "Well, I never! And to
think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"]
* * * * *
A SPECULATOR'S APOLOGY.--You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.
* * * * *
TABLE-TURNING.--Looking for a train in _Bradshaw_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: ARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE
(_To be placed over the principal entrance._)
On a chevron _vert_, a pigeon plucked _proper_, between three rooks
peckant, clawed and beaked _gules_. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant,
winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise, _argent_, environed with a
halo of bubbles _or_. Supporters: a bull and bear rampant _sable_,
dented, hoofed and clawed _gules_. Motto: "Let us prey."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SENSITIVE PLANT.--"What, back in town already, old
chappie?"
"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me
the headache!"]
* * * * *