FACEY ROMFORD
[Illustration: MR. FACEY ROMFORD]
Four days had now elapsed since Mr. Sponge penned his overture to Sir
Harry, and each succeeding day satisfied him more of the utter
impossibility of holding on much longer in his then billet at Puddingpote
Bower. Not only was Jog coarse and incessant in his hints to him to be off,
but Jawleyford-like he had lowered the standard of entertainment so
greatly, that if it hadn't been that Mr. Sponge had his servant and horses
kept also, he might as well have been living at his own expense. The
company lights were all extinguished; great, strong-smelling,
cauliflower-headed moulds, that were always wanting snuffing, usurped the
place of Belmont wax; napkins were withdrawn; second-hand table-cloths
introduced; marsala did duty for sherry; and the stickjaw pudding assumed a
consistency that was almost incompatible with articulation.
In the course of this time Sponge wrote to Puffington, saying if he was
better he would return and finish his visit; but the wary Puff sent a
messenger off express with a note, lamenting that he was ordered to Handley
Cross for his health, but 'pop'lar man' like, hoping that the pleasure of
Sponge's company was only deferred for another season. Jawleyford, even
Sponge thought hopeless; and, altogether, he was very much perplexed. He
had made a little money certainly, with his horses; but a permanent
investment of his elegant person, such as he had long been on the look-out
for, seemed as far off as ever. On the afternoon of the fifth day, as he
was taking a solitary stroll about the country, having about made up his
mind to be off to town, just as he was crossing Jog's buttercup meadow on
his way to the stable, a rapid bang! bang! caused him to start, and,
looking over the hedge, he saw a brawny-looking sportsman in brown
reloading his gun, with a brace of liver-and-white setters crouching like
statues in the stubble.
'Seek dead!' presently said the shooter, with a slight wave of his hand;
and in an instant each dog was picking up his bird.
'I'll have a word with you,' said Sponge, 'on and off-ing' the hedge, his
beat causing the shooter to start and look as if inclined for a run; second
thoughts said Sponge was too near, and he'd better brave it.
'What sport?' asked Sponge, striding towards him.
'Oh, pretty middling,' replied the shooter, a great red-headed, freckly
faced fellow, with backward-lying whiskers, crowned in a drab rustic. 'Oh,
pretty middling,' repeated he, not knowing whether to act on the friendly
or defensive.
'Fine day!' said Sponge, eyeing his fox-maskey whiskers and stout, muscular
frame.
'It is,' replied the shooter; adding, 'just followed my birds over the
boundary. No 'fence, I s'pose--no 'fence.'
'Oh no,' said Mr. Sponge. 'Jog, I dessay, 'll be very glad to see you.'
'Oh, you'll be Mr. Sponge?' observed the stranger, jumping to a conclusion.
'I am,' replied our hero; adding, 'may I ask who I have the honour of
addressing?'
'My name's Romford--Charley Romford; everybody knows me. Very glad to make
your 'quaintance,' tendering Sponge a great, rough, heavy hand. 'I was
goin' to call upon you,' observed the stranger, as he ceased swinging
Sponge's arm to and fro like a pump-handle; 'I was goin' to call upon you,
to see if you'd come over to Washingforde, and have some shootin' at me
Oncle's--Oncle Gilroy's, at Queercove Hill.'
'Most happy!' exclaimed Sponge, thinking it was the very thing he wanted.
'Get a day with the harriers, too, if you like,' continued the shooter,
increasing the temptation.
'Better still!' thought Sponge.
'I've only bachelor 'commodation to offer you; but p'raps you'll not mind
roughing it a bit?' observed Romford.
'Oh, faith, not I!' replied Sponge, thinking of the luxuries of
Puffington's bachelor habitation. 'What sort of stables have you?' asked
our friend.
'Capital stables--excellent stables!' replied the shooter; 'stalls six feet
in the clear, by twelve dip (deep), iron racks, oak stall-posts covered
with zinc, beautiful oats, capital beans, splendacious hay--won without a
shower!'
'Bravo!' exclaimed Sponge, thinking he had lit on his legs, and might snap
his fingers at Jog and his hints. He'd take the high hand, and give Jog up.
'I'm your man!' said Sponge, in high glee.
'When will you come?' asked Romford.
'To-morrow!' replied Sponge firmly.
'So be it,' rejoined his proffered host; and, with another hearty swing of
the arm, the newly made friends parted.
Charley Romford, or Facey, as he was commonly called, from his being the
admitted most impudent man in the country, was a great, round-faced,
coarse-featured, prize-fighting sort of fellow, who lived chiefly by his
wits, which he exercised in all the legitimate lines of industry--poaching,
betting, boxing, horse-dealing, cards, quoits--anything that came
uppermost. That he was a man of enterprise, we need hardly add, when he had
formed a scheme for doing our Sponge--a man that we do not think any of our
readers would trouble themselves to try a 'plant' upon.
This impudent Facey, as if in contradiction of terms, was originally
intended for a civil engineer; but having early in life voted himself heir
to his uncle, Mr. Gilroy, of Queercove Hill, a great cattle-jobber, with a
'small independence of his own'--three hundred a year, perhaps, which a
kind world called six--Facey thought he would just hang about until his
uncle was done with his shoes, and then be lord of Queercove Hill.
Now, 'me Oncle Gilroy,' of whom Facey was constantly talking, had a
left-handed wife and promising family in the sylvan retirement of St.
John's Wood, whither he used to retire after his business in 'Smi'fiel''
was over; so that Facey, for once, was out in his calculations. Gilroy,
however, being as knowing as 'his nevvey,' as he called him, just
encouraged Facey in his shooting, fishing, and idle propensities generally,
doubtless finding it more convenient to have his fish and game for nothing
than to pay for them.
Facey, having the apparently inexhaustible sum of a thousand pounds, began
life as a fox-hunter--in a very small way, to be sure--more for the purpose
of selling horses than anything else; but, having succeeded in 'doing' all
the do-able gentlemen, both with the 'Tip and Go' and Cranerfield hounds,
his occupation was gone, it requiring an extended field--such as our friend
Sponge roamed--to carry on cheating in horses for any length of time. Facey
was soon blown, his name in connexion with a horse being enough to prevent
any one looking at him. Indeed, we question that there is any less
desirable mode of making, or trying to make money, than by cheating or even
dealing in horses. Many people fancy themselves cheated, whatever they get;
while the man who is really cheated never forgets it, and proclaims it to
the end of time. Moreover, no one can go on cheating in horses for any
length of time, without putting himself in the power of his groom; and let
those who have seen how servants lord it over each other say how they would
like to subject themselves to similar treatment.--But to our story.
Facey Romford had now a splendid milk-white horse, well-known in Mr.
Nobbington's and Lord Leader's hunts as Mr. Hobler, but who Facey kindly
rechristened the 'Nonpareil,' which the now rising price of oats, and
falling state of his finances, made him particularly anxious to get rid of,
ere the horse performed the equestrian feat of 'eating its head off.' He
was a very hunter-like looking horse, but his misfortune consisted in
having such shocking seedy toes, that he couldn't keep his shoes on. If he
got through the first field with them on, they were sure to be off at the
fence. This horse Facey voted to be the very thing for Mr. Sponge, and
hearing that he had come into the country to hunt, it occurred to him that
it would be a capital thing if he could get him to take Mother Overend's
spare bed and lodge with him, twelve shillings a week being more than Facey
liked paying for his rooms. Not that he paid twelve shillings for the rooms
alone; on the contrary, he had a two-stalled stable, with a sort of kennel
for his pointers, and a sty for his pig into the bargain. This pig, which
was eaten many times in anticipation, had at length fallen a victim to the
butcher, and Facey's larder was uncommonly well found in black-puddings,
sausages, spare ribs, and the other component parts of a pig: so that he
was in very hospitable circumstances--at least, in his rough and ready idea
of what hospitality ought to be. Indeed, whether he had or not, he'd have
risked it, being quite as good at carrying things off with a high hand as
Mr. Sponge himself.
The invitation came most opportunely; for, worn out with jealousy and
watching, Jog had made up his mind to cut to Australia, and when Sponge
returned after meeting Facey, Jog was in the act of combing out an
advertisement, offering all that desirable sporting residence called
Puddingpote Bower, with the coach-house, stables, and offices thereunto
belonging, to let, and announcing that the whole of the valuable household
furniture, comprising mahogany, dining, loo, card, and Pembroke tables;
sofa, couch, and chairs in hair seating; cheffonier, with plate glass;
book-case; flower-stands; pianoforte, by Collard and Collard; music-stool
and Canterbury; chimney and pier-glasses; mirror; ormolu time-piece;
alabaster and wax figures and shades; china; Brussels carpets and rugs;
fenders and fire-irons; curtains and cornices; Venetian blinds; mahogany
four-post, French, and camp bedsteads; feather beds; hair mattresses;
mahogany chests of drawers; dressing-glasses; wash and dressing-tables;
patent shower-bath; bed and table-linen; dinner and tea-ware;
warming-pans, &c., would be exposed to immediate and unreserved sale.
How gratefully Sponge's inquiry if he knew Mr. Romford fell on his ear, as
they sat moodily together after dinner over some very low-priced port.
'Oh yes (puff)--oh yes (wheeze)--oh yes (gasp)! Know Charley
Romford--Facey, as they call him. He's (puff, wheeze, gasp) heir to old Mr.
Gilroy, of Queercove Hill.'
'Just so,' rejoined Sponge, 'just so; that's the man--stout, square-built
fellow, with backward-growing whiskers. I'm going to stay with him to shoot
at old Gil's. Where does Charley live?'
'Live!' exclaimed Jog, almost choked with delight at the information;
'live! live!' repeated he, for the third time; 'lives at (puff, wheeze,
gasp, cough) Washingforde--yes, at Washingforde; 'bout ten miles from
(puff, wheeze) here. When d'ye go?'
'To-morrow,' replied Sponge, with an air of offended dignity.
Jog was so rejoiced that he could hardly sit on his chair.
Mrs. Jog, when she heard it, felt that Gustavus James's chance of
independence was gone; for well she knew that Jog would never let Sponge
come back to the Bower.
We need scarcely say that Jog was up betimes in the morning, most anxious
to forward Mr. Sponge's departure. He offered to allow Bartholomew to
convey him and his 'traps' in the phaeton--an offer that Mr. Sponge availed
himself of as far as his 'traps' were concerned, though he preferred
cantering over on his piebald to trailing along in Jog's jingling chay. So
matters were arranged, and Mr. Sponge forthwith proceeded to put his brown
boots, his substantial cords, his superfine tights, his cuttey scarlet, his
dress blue saxony, his clean linen, his heavy spurs, and though last, not
least in importance, his now backless _Mogg_, into his solid leather
portmanteau, sweeping the surplus of his wardrobe into a capacious
carpet-bag. While the guest was thus busy upstairs, the host wandered about
restlessly, now stirring up this person, now hurrying that, in the full
enjoyment of the much-coveted departure. His pleasure was, perhaps, rather
damped by a running commentary he overheard through the lattice-window of
the stable, from Leather, as he stripped his horses and tried to roll up
their clothing in a moderate compass.
''Ord rot your great carcass!' exclaimed he, giving the roll a hearty kick
in its bulging-out stomach, on finding that he had not got it as small as
he wanted. ''Ord rot your great carcass,' repeated he, scratching his head
and eyeing it as it lay; 'this is all the consequence of your nasty
brewers' hapron weshins--blowin' of one out, like a bladder!' and,
thereupon, he placed his hand on his stomach to feel how his own was.
'Never see'd sich a house, or sich an awful mean man!' continued he,
stooping and pommelling the package with his fists. It was of no use, he
could not get it as small as he wished--'Must have my jacket out on you, I
do believe,' added he, seeing where the impediment was; 'sticks in your
gizzard just like a lump of old Puff-and-blow's puddin''; and then he
thrust his hand into the folds of the clothing, and pulled out the greasy
garment. 'Now,' said he, stooping again, 'I think we may manish ye'; and he
took the roll in his arms and hoisted it on to Hercules, whom he meant to
make the led horse, observing aloud, as he adjusted it on the saddle, and
whacked it well with his hands to make it lie right, 'I wish it was old
Jog--wouldn't I sarve him out!' He then turned his horses round in their
stalls, tucked his greasy jacket under the flap of the saddle-bags, took
his ash-stick from the crook, and led them out of the capacious door. Jog
looked at him with mingled feelings of disgust and delight. Leather just
gave his old hat flipe a rap with his forefinger as he passed with the
horses--a salute that Jog did not condescend to return.
Having eyed the receding horses with great satisfaction, Jog re-entered the
house by the kitchens, to have the pleasure of seeing Mr. Sponge off. He
found the portmanteau and carpet-bag standing in the passage, and just at
the moment the sound of the phaeton wheels fell on his ear, as Bartholomew
drove round from the coach-house to the door. Mr. Sponge was already in
the parlour, making his adieus to Mrs. Jog and the children, who were all
assembled for the purpose.
'What, are you goin'?' (puff) asked Jog, with an air of surprise.
'Yes,' replied Mr. Sponge; adding, as he tendered his hand, 'the best
friends must part, you know.'
'Well (puff), but you'd better have your (wheeze) horse round,' observed
Jog, anxious to avoid any overture for a return.
'Thankee,' replied Mr. Sponge, making a parting bow; 'I'll get him at the
stable.'
'I'll go with you,' said Jog, leading the way.
Leather had saddled, and bridled, and turned him round in the stall, with
one of Mr. Jog's blanket-rugs on, which Mr. Sponge just swept over his tail
into the manger, and led the horse out.
'Adieu!' said he, offering his hand to his host.
'Good-bye!--good (puff) sport to you,' said Jog, shaking it heartily.
Mr. Sponge then mounted his hack, and cocking out his toe, rode off at a
canter.
At the same moment, Bartholomew drove away from the front door; and Jog,
having stood watching the phaeton over the rise of Pennypound Hill, scraped
his feet, re-entered his house, and rubbing them heartily on the mat as he
closed the sash-door, observed aloud to himself, with a jerk of his head:
'Well, now, that's the most (puff) impittent feller I ever saw in my life!
Catch me (gasp) godpapa-hunting again.'