For the Profit of the Nursery Brigade.
[Illustration]
Tale I--Prolog.
This little Boy looks as if he had On his Father’s clothes. Maybe he
Has not had Anything to Eat for a Month. He is Sitting on a Stool. He
is Waiting for Something. His hands are clasped over his Stomach. Can
he be Waiting for his Thanksgiving Dinner? What a Queer little Boy to
Wait so Patiently? If he were to Cry, he would get his Dinner Sooner,
wouldn’t he?
[Illustration]
Tale II--Succulent Soup.
In the Tureen there are two Gallons of Soup and Eleven Cove oysters.
Do not Be Afraid. The Soup is Pretty Hot, but it will not Burn you.
If it is too Hot, you can Spit it out on the Carpet. Do you like Cove
oysters? They are Baby oysters Taken out of the Shell before they are
Hatched. Some People dry them and use them for Gun Wads. They are much
more Digestible than sole leather.
[Illustration]
Tale III--Tempting Turkey.
What a Big Fat Turkey it is! It must have eaten lots of Worms and
Caterpillars to be so Fat. It is stuffed with nice Stuffing made of
Old Crusts and spoiled Biscuits. The Gravy looks Quite Tempting. It
does not Look like Tobacco Juice, does it? The Innards of the Turkey
have been Chopped up and are in the Gravy. Unless the Cook was very
Careful while Chopping up the Innards, there is a Piece of her Finger
in the Gravy, too. Will you Try some of the Turkey? Take a Drum Stick,
the Pope’s Nose, a Side Bone, the Neck, some of the Breast and the
Wishbone. If that is not Enough, ask Mamma please Can you have some
More.
[Illustration]
Tale IV--Various Vegetables.
The vegetables smell good. Two or three of these Onions would make you
Stronger. Suppose you Try some of the Turnip and Squash. Pickled Beets
are also Good to Eat just before going to Bed. The mashed Potato is
healthy when There are no Potato Bugs in it. They are very Plenty this
Year. Will you put Some Jelly on Your Bread? How Mad it would Make your
Big sister Jennie to Tip the Jelly over in her lap. Suppose you Try it
as a Joke.
[Illustration]
Tale V--Venerable Venison.
Here we Have Some Venison. It may Taste a trifle Venerable for it has
been hanging Up in the Shed for Several Weeks. But Papa says it is not
Fly Blown, and Everything Goes on Thanksgiving Day. Once the Venison
was a little Deer and lived in the Mountains. A man Caught it and Hung
it up on a Tree and cut its poor little Throat and let it Bleed to
Death. What a Bad Man. Perhaps the Deer’s baby deers are crying for
their Mamma who will Never come.
[Illustration]
Tale VI--Peptonic Pudding.
The Hired Girl is bringing on the Pudding and it is a Daisy. We mean
the Pudding. It is full of Plums. Make Mamma give you a Big Piece of
the Pudding with Ever so many Plums in it. If we Were you, we would
Swallow the Plums whole and Then they will stay By You longer. When you
have Eaten the Pudding, pick your little Dish up and Drink the Sauce.
[Illustration]
Tale VII--Painful Pie.
There are Three Kinds of Pie--Cocoanut Pie, Lemon Pie and Mince Pie.
They are the Only Kinds of Pie little children should Eat. You will do
Well to Try them All. As much Pie as Possible under the circumstances
would be Proper. The best way to Eat Pie is to Take it up in your
Fingers. This is Liable to make Pretty little Spots on your Shirt
Front. Do you suppose by Trying Hard you could Slip a Piece of the
Lemon Pie into your Pocket to Eat after you go to Bed to-night.
[Illustration]
Tale VIII--Fretful Fruit.
Oh, what Beautiful fruit! Apples, Oranges, Bananas, Grapes, Pears and
Figs! Make a Grab for them or you May not Get any. Good little children
Eat grapes, skin and all. I wonder if the Figs have Worms in them. But
never Mind: this is no Time for Questions. Your Mamma says Orange Juice
will Stain your Frock, but it Will Not. What Fun it would be to Squirt
some Orange Juice in the Dear Little Baby’s Eyes!
[Illustration]
Tale IX--Innocent Ice Cream.
Aha, here Comes the Ice Cream. About two Plates apiece will be Enough
for the Children. Ice Cream is Funny Stuff. You eat it and feel it in
your Eye. When you have Eaten all you Want, you will Find it right
Jolly to Pick the Ice Cream up in your Fingers and Paddle it Around in
your Tumbler of Water.
[Illustration]
Tale X--Nutritious Nuts.
Here we Have the Nuts. They are good for Children. Crack them with your
Teeth. Be sure to Drop the Shells on the Floor for the Cat to Eat. Do
not Forget to put a Good Many in your Pocket for the Poor Little blind
Girl who Lives around the Corner.
[Illustration]
Tale XI--Wierd and Woful.
This little Boy looks too Big for his Clothes. He must have been
Measured when he Had the Ague. Mamma will Have to take off His Vest
with a Button Hook to-night. What makes the Boy so pale? He has his
Hands gathered together over his Diaphragm. Is the Boy Sick? The Boy is
Sick. Maybe he has Swallowed something that does not Agree with Him.
[Illustration]
Tale XII--Enter the Diligent Doctor.
Who is the Man coming through the Door? He is the Doctor. This is the
Worst Symptom of the Boy’s Illness we have Seen yet. How can the Boy
get Well now? The Doctor asks Mamma how the Boy is. Mamma is crying.
The Doctor says he can Fix the Boy.
[Illustration]
Tale XIII--Exit the Beautiful Boy.
The Doctor has Fixed the Boy.
[Illustration]
Tale XIV--Epilog.
Here we have a Cemetery. Can you see the Little grave Stone over
there? It is very Cute. There must be a Boy Planted somewhere Near it.
Wouldn’t you Like to be Planted under a Cute little Stone like That?
Unless you do Justice to your Dinner to-day you cannot Hope for such a
Reward of Merit.
❦
Beautiful Hortense.
[Illustration]
Miss Hortense is working a Beautiful Piece of Embroidery. It is a Motto
in Green and Gold. It asks What is Home without a Mother. When Miss
Hortense gets it Done, she will Give it to her Beau, who Tends a Dry
Goods counter. You cannot see Miss Hortense’s Mother. She is in the
Back Yard doing the Week’s Washing. By and by she will be Bringing
in Coal for the Parlor Stove, because Miss Hortense’s beau is Coming
to-night.
❦
A Toilet Episode.
[Illustration]
Mamma’s Tooth-brush is on the Bureau. Suppose we scrub out the Sink
with it. Then Mamma will wonder what she has Eaten to give her such a
Bad Breath. She will Think the Tooth-brush has been Sitting up with a
Corpse.
❦
A Terrible Monster.
[Illustration]
Oh, what an awful Sight! It is the Editor of the Colorado Springs
_Gazette_. He has Long, White Teeth and there is Blood on his gums. He
is a Bad Man and he has just Eaten a Poor Little Baby. He is trying to
get the Capital Removed. If he gets the Capital Removed, he will Eat a
Poor Little Baby every Day. You must Tell your Dear Papa not to vote to
have the Capital Removed.
❦
Poor Pussy.
[Illustration]
Here we have a Dornick and a Cat. The Cat is Approaching the Well. She
thinks there is a Mouse there. Suppose we approach the well with the
Dornick. There is no Mouse as we Can See. Perhaps the Mouse is at the
Bottom of the Well. Let us Hitch the Dornick to the Cat and Put Them in
the Well. Then the Cat will not Come back without the Mouse.
❦
A Fish Story.
[Illustration]
See the Fish. The Fish is a Trout and Breathes through his Ears. He
lives in a Brook and May be if you try you can Catch him. Any little
Boy who catches so many measles ought to be Able to Catch one little
Fish. The Trout Weighs four Ounces, but you can say he weighs four
Pounds. Do not call him a Speckled Beauty or you will be Shot. Eat him,
Head, Tail, Inwards and All, and get a little Bone in your Throat if
you Can.
❦
Beware.
[Illustration]
Oh, children you Must never chew Tobacco--it is Awful!
The Juice will Quickly make You sick,
If once you get your Maw Full.
--_S. J. Tilden._
[Illustration]
The Vigilant Cop.
Do not Make a Noise or you will Wake the Policeman! He is Sitting on
the Door Step asleep. It is very Hard on Him to Have to Sleep out of
Doors these Cold Nights. There is a Bank being Robbed around the Corner
and a Woman is being killed in the next Block. If the Policeman Waked
up, he might Find it out and Arrest somebody. Some people Believe this
is what Policemen are for, but the Policemen do not Think so.
❦
Something Doing.
[Illustration]
Is this a Cemetery? No, it is a Picture of Pueblo during the Busy
Season. Do you see the Man Patting the Dog on the Back and Promising
him a Bone if he will lie Down and Go to Sleep again? This is What they
Call an Intensely Exciting Sensation in Pueblo. The Earth is going to
Live five hundred Million years Longer, and Pueblo expects to be the
State Capital before the End of that Time. You will not Live to see it
the Capital--or, at least, you ought to Hope Not.
❦
Poor Little Bennie.
[Illustration]
Bennie is Lying in the Cradle and he is Crying because Mamma will not
give him the Moon. What a Naughty Mamma not to Give her little Boy the
Moon! But Mamma does not care how much Bennie Cries. She has a Son, and
the Moon can go to Thunder.
❦
Our Motor Press.
[Illustration]
Is this Not a Beautiful steam Press? The Steam is Lying Down on the
Floor taking a Nap. He came from Africa and is Seventy years Old. The
press Prints Papers. It can Print nine hundred papers an Hour. It takes
One hour and Forty Minutes to Print the Edition of the Paper. The paper
has a circulation of Thirty-seven Thousand. The Business Manager says
So.
❦
Freedom Defined.
[Illustration]
Why is this great and glorious country called America? Principally
because that is its name. Can you bound it? No, because it is a
republic and will not be bound.
❦
A Political Object Lesson.
[Illustration]
Do you see that Candidate over There! He is standing still. He is a
Democratic Candidate. If he were a Republican he Would be Running.
Democratic Candidates are not real Candidates. They can not Run. They
do not even Walk. When you are very Tired and Want to rest you ought to
Become a Democratic Candidate.
❦
Honesty on the Run.
[Illustration]
If a poor but honest voter chases a reformer four blocks in ten
hours, how many blocks will he have to go to catch him? This depends
altogether on the location of the Bank.
[Illustration]
The Truth About the Cherry Tree.
Who was George Washington? He was Mrs. Washington’s little Boy. One
Day he went out in the Orchard and got the Hired Man to chop down a
cherry tree. “Who has done this Deed?” asked George’s mother that Very
Afternoon. There was Blood in the Old Lady’s Eye. In order not to get
fired, the Hired Man gave George two marbles and a Top to say he Did
it. “Mamma,” said George, “I cannot Tell a Lie. I Done it with the Ax.”
Whereupon his Mother complimented him on his Truthfulness, but gave him
One in the Neck for using Bad Grammar.
❦
An Ode to a Cat.
[Illustration]
A hungry Cat--
A foolish Rat.
A lively Run--
Exciting Fun.
Ferocious Jaws--
Remorseless Claws.
A dying Squeal--
A hearty Meal.
Alas, poor Rat!
O happy Cat!
❦
Look Out! Boogies!
[Illustration]
Did you ever see a Bugaboo? Ask Mamma to Blow out the Light to-night
after you Go to Bed and Let you See a Bugaboo? It has a Big Voice like
a Bear, and its Claws are as long as a Knife. It will Bite Good Little
Children and Run off with them to the Cold Dark Woods where they can
Never see Mamma any More. If you are Good, Beware of Bugaboos.
[Illustration]
Hot Air vs. Cold Water.
See the Wind Mill. It is a Pretty Sight. It has Sails that go Round
and Round and Make a Noise like the Whirring of a bird’s wings. The
Wind Mill Looks Sad. It has had Hard Luck. It used to be a Democratic
politician and Furnish Enthusiasm for Arapahoe county Campaigns. But
Wind will not Run a Campaign and so the Wind Mill lost its Job. And
now it Stands out on a Bleak Prairie and Hauls water out of the Cold,
hard Earth for a living. Any Kind of Honest Labor is awful rough on a
Democrat, but Having Anything to Do with Water breaks him All Up.
❦
The Worried Magnate.
[Illustration]
Who is the old man I see? The old man is a Railroad Builder, and his
brow is clouded. Why is his brow clouded? It is clouded because this
is Monday and he cannot build any railroad track. Why can he not build
railroad track on Monday? Because he is pious and remembers the Sabbath
day to keep everybody he can hire wholly--busy. He only builds on
Sunday. This is the reason he is so much respected in saloons and other
mercantile establishments.
❦
His Day of Rest.
[Illustration]
Is this a Sunday? Yes, it is a Sunday. How Peaceful and Quiet it is.
But Who is the Man! He does not Look Peaceful. He is a reporter and he
is Swearing. What makes him Swear? Because he has to Work on Sunday?
Oh, no! He is Swearing because he has to Break the Fourth Commandment.
It is a sad thing to be a Reporter.
❦
The Foxy Compositor.
[Illustration]
Has the Printer tobacco? He has But he will not Tell you So. He carries
it in the Leg of his Boot and when he wants a Chew he Sneaks down in
the Back Alley where Nobody can See him. When he Spits tobacco, it
Sounds like a Duck diving in the Water. The printer is a Queer man. He
is a Fickle person. Sometimes he has Ten thousand Ems on the string,
but they are Always his Dupes. If you are a Printer, Do not Be a
Blacksmith, or you will get Fired.
[Illustration]
’Tis sad--there’s an
end to all good
things.
❦
Other Field Books.
❦
Eugene Field Book $0.60
Field--DeKoven Song Book 2.00
Holy Cross and Other Tales 1.25
House, The 1.25
Little Book of Profitable Tales 1.25
Little Book of Western Verse 1.25
Love Affairs of Bibliomaniac 1.25
Love-songs of Childhood 1.00
Lullaby-land 1.50
Second Book of Tales 1.25
Second Book of Verse 1.25
Sketch of Field, by Francis Wilson 1.25
Songs and Other Verse 1.25
Songs of Childhood 1.00
With Trumpet and Drum 1.00
Life and Letters. S. Thompson 1.00
Echoes from Sabine Farm 2.00
The Tribune Primer. Illustrated .50
Sharps and Flats. 2 vol. 2.50
_A Sure Cure for the Blues_
The Funniest Book in Print.
[Illustration: THE TRIBUNE PRIMER