[Illustration: “It is to laugh”]
Nonsense for Old & Young.
[Illustration]
One Autumn Night.
A calm, delightful autumn night;
A moon’s mysterious, misty light;
A maiden at her window height,
In proper robe of fleecy white.
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The little wicket gate ajar;
A lover tripping from afar,
With tuneful voice and light guitar,
To woo his radiant guiding star.
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The lute gave forth a plaintive twang--
Oh, how that doting lover sang!
A bull-dog with invidious fang--
A nip, a grip, and then a pang!
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A maiden swooning in affright.
A lover in a piteous plight,
A canine quivering with delight--
A wild, delirious autumn night!
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A Portrait of a Lady.
[Illustration]
Here we have a Lady. She was at a Party last Night, and the Paper spoke
of her as the Amiable and Accomplished Wife of our Respected Fellow
Citizen. Our Respected Fellow Citizen is now as Full as a Tick, and his
Amiable and Accomplished Wife is Walloping him with the Rolling Pin.
The Lady seems to be more Accomplished than Amiable.
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Would You?
[Illustration]
Is this a Picture of an Actress? No, it is a Picture of a Boodle
Politician. Is it not Beautiful? The left Eye is Closed. It must be
Tired. He is Sitting on a Barrel. It must be a Barrel of Jam. Would you
like to get your Little Hand into the Barrel? We Would.
[Illustration]
Good James and Naughty Reginald.
Once upon a Time there was a Bad boy whose Name was Reginald and there
was a Good boy whose Name was James. Reginald would go Fishing when his
Mamma told him Not to, and he Cut off the Cat’s Tail with the Bread
Knife one Day, and then told Mamma the Baby had Driven it in with the
Rolling Pin, which was a Lie. James was always Obedient, and when his
Mamma told him not to Help an old Blind Man across the street or Go
into a Dark Room where the Boogies were, he always Did What She said.
That is why they Called him Good James. Well, by and by, along Came
Christmas. Mamma said, You have been so Bad, my son Reginald, you will
not Get any Presents from Santa Claus this Year; but you, my Son James,
will get Oodles of Presents, because you have Been Good. Will you
Believe it, Children, that Bad boy Reginald said he didn’t Care a Darn
and he Kicked three Feet of Veneering off the Piano just for Meanness.
Poor James was so sorry for Reginald that he cried for Half an Hour
after he Went to Bed that Night. Reginald lay wide Awake until he saw
James was Asleep and then he Said if these people think they can Fool
me, they are Mistaken. Just then Santa Claus came down the Chimney. He
had lots of Pretty Toys in a Sack on his Back. Reginald shut his Eyes
and Pretended to be Asleep. Then Santa Claus Said, Reginald is Bad and
I will not Put any nice Things in his Stocking. But as for you, James,
I will Fill your Stocking Plumb full of Toys, because You are Good. So
Santa Claus went to Work and Put, Oh! heaps and Heaps of Goodies in
James’ stocking but not a Sign of a Thing in Reginald’s stocking. And
then he Laughed to himself and Said, I guess Reginald will be Sorry
to-morrow because he Was so Bad. As he said this he Crawled up the
chimney and rode off in his Sleigh. Now you can Bet your Boots Reginald
was no Spring Chicken. He just Got right Straight out of Bed and
changed all those Toys and Truck from James’ stocking into his own.
Santa Claus will Have to Sit up all Night, said He, when he Expects to
get away with my Baggage. The next morning James got out of Bed and
when He had Said his Prayers he Limped over to his Stocking, licking
his chops and Carrying his Head as High as a Bull going through a Brush
Fence. But when he found there was Nothing in his stocking and that
Reginald’s Stocking was as Full as Papa Is when he comes home Late from
the Office, he Sat down on the Floor and began to Wonder why on Earth
he had Been such a Good boy. Reginald spent a Happy Christmas and James
was very Miserable. After all, Children, it Pays to be Bad, so Long as
you Combine Intellect with Crime.
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His Busy Day.
[Illustration]
This Man is very Busy. He is pushed for Time. He looks as if he had
more on his Hands than he could accomplish. We feel Sorry for him. He
has an Important Engagement to Keep, and he is Hurrying up Matters to
Meet it. He is to be Hung at Noon to-morrow.
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The Joyful Whirligig.
[Illustration]
Here is a Sewing Machine. It was Made for little Children to play with.
Put your Feet on the Treadles and Make the Wheels go round Fast. See
how the Thread unwinds and the Needle bobs up and down! This is Lots of
Fun. Do not Deny baby the privilege of Putting his Fat little Finger
under the Needle. It will Make pretty holes in the Finger and give Baby
something to occupy his Attention for a Long time.
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A Fairy Tale.
[Illustration]
Here we have Papa’s watch. There is a Fairy in the Watch. Would you
Like to Hear her Sing? If you will Drop the Watch on the Floor, the
Fairy in the Watch will Sing the Prettiest little Song you ever Heard
and all the Wheels will Buzz just as Funny as can Be. When papa Comes
home and finds the Fairy has been Singing, maybe he will Ask you to
Step out into the Woodshed with him on a Matter of Business.
[Illustration]
An Epitaph.
Here lies the body of Mary Ann
Who rests in the bosom of Abraham.
It’s all very nice for Mary Ann,
But it’s mighty tough on Abraham.
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The Hustler Hustling.
[Illustration]
What is that I see? That my Child, is the _News_ Interviewer, I and
he is now Interviewing a Man. But where I can see no Man. The Man, my
Child is in his Mind.
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The Maid of Orleans.
[Illustration]
Here is a Molasses jug. It is Full of Molasses. How many Flies are
there in the Molasses? That is a Hard one to Answer. Those flies will
Look Proud spread out on Sister Lucy’s buckwheat Cakes in the Mornings.
But Lucy will not Care. She will pick them out of the Molasses with her
Taper Fingers, and Wipe them on the Bottom of her Chair. But if her
Beau were there she would Yell and say, Oh, how Horrid. The strength of
a Woman’s Stomach depends Largely on the surroundings.
[Illustration]
Fancy vs. Fact.
Mabel is sitting at the Piano, and she is Singing a Song. The Song
Says he is Waiting for Her in the Gloaming. Mabel appears to be giving
herself Dead Away. He is Not Waiting for her In the Gloaming at all.
He has just Drawn a bobtail Flush, and he is Wondering whether he had
Better Pull out or stand in on a Bluff. Mabel would Touch a Responsive
Chord in his Bosom if she were to Sing take Back the Hand which thou
Gavest.
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Society as Reported.
[Illustration]
This is a Recherché Affair. Recherché Affairs are sometimes Met with in
Parlors and Ball Rooms but more Generally in the Society Department of
Newspapers. A Recherché Affair is an Affair where the Society Editor is
invited to the Refreshment Table. When the Society Editor is told his
Room is Better than his Company, the Affair is not Recherché.
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A Musical Genius.
[Illustration]
Who is the Man? The Man is Admiral McLean and he is Getting Ready to
Sing. Can the Admiral Sing? Those who have heard him Say he Can Not.
Has he ever Sung a Song Through? Nobody can Tell. Why can Nobody Tell?
Because every Body walks Away when he Begins for to Sing.
[Illustration]
The Nervy Drummer.
Is this a Brass Foundry? No, it is a Travelling Man. He carries big
Trunks all over the Country and Makes Love to Dining room Girls. He
has Been all Over and Under Europe and Taken in all the Great Masters.
He has Scoured the Alps clean. He can Tell more Smutty Stories than
a Politician, and he can get Bilin’ slower on More Liquor than any
Government official. The best Way to get along with the Travelling men
is to get along Without them.
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Lunar Lore.
[Illustration]
The Moon is a Satellite. A Satellite is a Sort of Associate Editor.
It revolves around Somebody Else and gets full on Four Quarters.
The Moon is a great Way from the Earth. It would Take a Street Car
16,000,000,239 years to Make the Distance. A Snail could Make it in
half that Time. Break a piece of Glass out of Mamma’s mirror, Smoke it
over the Lamp, and look at the Moon through it.
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The Senator.
[Illustration]
Here we have a Senator. He is a Proud Bird. He has been Renominated and
he is Happy. And who is the Bird with the Senator? It is one of his
constituents. Is he Happy? Yes, he too is Happy because the Senator is
Happy. But not too Happy. Just Happy Enough.
[Illustration]
A Colonial Accident.
Major André was a British officer. Benedict Arnold hired him for Four
Dollars a day to go as Spy into the American Camp and hear the News. He
carried important Papers in his Boots, and, upon being Arrested by the
Americans, the Papers were found. Then they said they would hang him.
He was sorry for what he had Done and Said he was going to Heaven. He
fell with a Dull, Sickening Thud. They are going to Build a Monument to
him, not because he did Wrong, but because he got Caught.
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A Natural Mistake.
[Illustration]
Is this an Ass? No, this is the Editor of a paper at Central City. Oh,
what a Mistake! No, my Child, the Mistake was a Natural one. You would
not Insult an Ass, would you?
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Luminous Law.
[Illustration]
Is this a fire? No, it is not a fire. It is the Judge of the County
Court. Why did you think it was a fire? Because it looked so Red. The
Judge is a Nice Man. He writes Articles about the Governor. You must
not Mistake Him for a Fire again. But you may Compare him with the
Warm, Sensuous glow of a Neapolitan Sunset.
[Illustration]
“Oft in the Stilly Night.”
Baby and I in the weary night
Are taking a walk for his delight;
I drowsily stumble o’er stool and chair
And clasp the babe with grim despair,
For he’s got the colic
And paregoric
Don’t seem to ease my squalling heir.
Baby and I in the morning gray
Are griping and squalling and walking away--
The fire’s gone out and I nearly freeze--
There’s a smell of peppermint on the breeze.
Then Mamma wakes
And baby takes
And says, “Now cook the breakfast, please.”
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A Sad, Sad Story.
[Illustration]
The young Man is Reading a Letter and seems Deeply Agitated. Maybe
it is a Letter from his Sweet-Heart, and she has Given him the Grand
Bounce. How his Breast Heaves and how his Heart must Throb under his
Celluloid Shirt Front. The Letter is from His Tailor. Let us not Invade
the Secrecy of the poor Young man’s Grief.
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Fashion Notes.
Slippers should be worn High on Bad little Boys this Winter.
[Illustration]
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Fashionable Corns are to be Trimmed with Steel-Blue Razors this Season.
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Red Pepper worn on Hot Stoves continues to Create quite a Sensation in
the Best Social Circles.
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The Chivalrous Editor.
[Illustration]
This is an Editorial Writer. He is Writing a Thoughtful Piece about the
Degeneracy of the Age. He talks about the good old Times when Men were
Manly and Youthful Breasts were Pregnant with Chivalry. By and by he
Will go Home and Lick his wife for not Cutting up enough Cord Wood for
the kitchen Fire in the Morning, and he will Spit tobacco all over his
daughter Esther’s new silk Gown.
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Easy Mathematics.
If you are good at addition, put down a column of figures, five figures
in a row, and the sum will represent the age of Clara Louise Kellogg.
[Illustration]
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Suppose a man with a bottle of whiskey were to set down the bottle and
carry the whiskey, what would the result be?
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If one gallon of coal oil will blow up a kitchen stove, how much Kansas
City gin is required to make a man feel like a barn afire?
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If a Pueblo bed-bug can travel seventy rods in one hour, when there is
nothing ahead to encourage him, how many miles will he travel in ten
minutes to meet a fat man from Cheyenne?
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A Mean Man.
[Illustration]
A Chicago Papa is so Mean he Wont let his Little Baby have More than
One Measle at a time.
[Illustration]
The Office Towel.
Is this a Corner Lot? No it is a Towel. It has been serving an
Apprenticeship in a Printing Office for the past Four Years. The horses
are Dragging it Away. A man will Take an Ax and Break the Towel into
Pieces and Boil it for Soap Grease. Then he will sell the Towel for
Tripe. If you find a Piece of Tripe with a Monogram in one Corner, you
may Know it is the Towel.
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Scandal on Foot.
[Illustration]
What is that Walking along the Street? That, my Son, is a State
Senator. Will you not Tell About it? No, my Son, you are too Young to
hear Scandal.
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The Old T. D.
[Illustration]
Is it a Pipe? Yes it is Papa’s Pipe and it Has not been Cleaned out for
Four months. It is full of Ashes and Spit. It would not Hurt the Pipe
if you were to Take several good long Sucks at it.
[Illustration]
The Awful Bugaboo.
There was an awful Bugaboo
Whose Eyes were Red and Hair was Blue;
His Teeth were Long and Sharp and white
And he went Prowling ’round at Night.
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A little Girl was Tucked in Bed,
A pretty Night Cap on her Head;
Her Mamma heard her Pleading Say,
“Oh, do not Take the Lamp away!”
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But Mamma took away the Lamp
And oh, the Room was Dark and Damp;
The little Girl was Scared to Death--
She did not Dare to Draw her Breath.
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And all at Once the Bugaboo
Came Rattling down the Chimney Flue;
He Perched upon the little Bed
And scratched the Girl until she bled.
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He drank the Blood and Scratched again--
The little Girl cried out in Vain--
He picked Her up and Off he Flew--
This Naughty, Naughty Bugaboo!
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So, children, when in Bed to-night,
Don’t let them Take away the Light,
Or else the Awful Bugaboo
May come and Fly away with You!
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The National Debt.
[Illustration]
Here we have a Greenbacker. He seems Troubled about Something. He is
Troubled about the National Debt. He is Grieving because the Country of
his Nativity owes one Billion Dollars. The other Man around the Corner
is a Grocery Man. He, too, is Troubled, but he is not Worrying about
the National Debt. Oh, no. He is Worrying about the one Dollar and
Forty cents the Greenbacker owes him.
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Johnny’s Alphabet.
[Illustration]
A Stands for Apple, so hard and so Green--
B stands for Boy who is going away--
C stands for colic that Soon will be seen--
D stands for Devil that’s shortly to pay.