The Bad Boy Goes After a Mess of White Turnips for the Menagerie--He
Feeds the Animals Horseradish, but Gets the Worst of the Deal.
You can learn something new and interesting every day in a circus, and a
boy, particularly, can store his mind with useful knowledge, that will
be valuable to him in after years.
Gee, but I have learned some things that I could never have learned in
college, 'cause at college you only learn things that have to be
verified by actual experience in business. Pa says one year in the
circus will be better for me than ten years in a reform school. But I
learned something yesterday that made such an impression on me that I
will not be able to sit down comfortably before the season is over.
You see, it was this way. Once a week it is the custom to feed all the
animals that are vegetarians a mess of ground white turnips, 'cause it
opens up the pores, and makes the animals feel good, like a politician
who goes to French Lick springs, and has the whisky boiled out of him.
After the animals have eaten the turnip mush, they become agreeable, and
will rub against the keepers, and eat out of your hand.
I had been with pa a dozen times to find a place where we could get a
few barrels of turnips ground up fine, and so yesterday, when the boss
animal keeper was sick, and turned his job over to pa, pa told me to go
out in town, at Lynchburg, Va., and get a couple of washtubs full of
ground turnips, and have the stuff sent in to the menagerie tent in time
for the afternoon performance. I got a boy to go with me. We hunted all
the groceries and couldn't find turnips enough to make a first payment,
but we found a place where they grate horseradish and bottle it for the
market, and I ordered two washtubs full of horseradish grated nicely,
and sent to the tent, but I made the man bill it as ground turnips.
The boy and I played all the forenoon, and when the man started with the
ground horseradish for the tent, we went along, and I introduced the man
to pa, and pa O. K.'d the bill, and sent him to the treasurer after the
money. I was going to get on a back seat and watch the animals eat, but
pa said: "Here, you boys, get out those pans and portion out the turnips
and pass 'em around just as the crowd comes in, 'cause after the animals
have had a mess of cut feed they are better natured, and show off
better."
I was pretty leery about feeding the animals horseradish, and would have
preferred to have some one else do it, who did not care to live any
longer, but I said: "Yes, sir," just like that, and touched my hat to
pa, and he said to the boss canvasman: "There's a boy you can swear by."
The boss canvasman said: "You are right, old man, but if he was mine, I
would kill him so quick it would make your head swim," and he and pa
went off laughing, but I think they laughed too soon.
Well, we took a spud and put about a quart of horseradish in each pan,
and put the pans in front of each animal, and you ought to have seen
them rush for the supposed turnips, like a drove of cattle after salt.
The boy and I got up on the platform with the freaks, to be in a safe
place, and watch the animals, and see how they digested their food. The
first animal to open up the chorus was the hippopotamus, 'cause we gave
him about four quarts of horseradish on account of his mouth, and he
swallowed it at one mouthful. First he looked as though he felt hurt,
and stopped chewing, and seemed to be thinking, like a horse that wakes
up in the night with colic, and raises the whole family to sit up with
him all night and pour things down his neck out of a long-neck bottle.
The hippo held his breath for about a minute, and then he opened his
mouth so you could drive a wagon in, and gave the grand hailing sign of
distress, and said: "Wow, wow, wow," as plain as a man could. Then he
rolled over into his tank and yelled "murder," and wallowed around, and
stood on his head, till one of the keepers went in the cage to try to
soothe him. He chased the keeper out, and the crowd that had just begun
to come in fell back in terror.
There was quite a crowd around the camels watching them peacefully chew
their cuds, as they do at evening on the dessert, and the Arabs who had
charge of the camels were standing around, posing as though they were
the whole thing, when the old black, double-hump camel got his quart of
horseradish down into one of his stomachs, as he was kneeling down on
all fours. He yelled: "O, mamma," and got up on all his feet, and
kicked an Arab off a prayer rug, and bellowed and groaned. Then the rest
of the herd of camels seemed to have swallowed their dose, and they made
Rome howl. This scared the people over to where the sacred cattle were
trying to set a pious example to the rest of the animals by their meek
and lowly conduct.
[Illustration: The Camel Kicked an Arab Off a Rug.]
The sacred cow got her horseradish first, and I could see she was trying
to hold it without giving the snap away, till her husband, the bull, got
his. Well, it was pitiful, and I made up my mind I would never play a
joke on the sacred cattle again, 'cause it seems like sacrilege. The
bull finally got his horseradish down, and he was the most astonished
animal I ever saw. He swelled up, and then bellowed until the cow looked
as though she would sink through the ground, saying; "Excuse me, dear,
but I am not to blame, because I, too, have a hot box." The bull acted
just as human as could be, 'cause he looked mad at her, and was going to
gore her to death, when pa and some of the hands came up and hit him
with a tent stake, and swore at him, and he quit fighting his wife, just
like a man. Pa wanted to know what in thunder was the matter with the
animals, and wanted to know if I had fed them the turnips, and I told
him they had all been fed, and just then the giraffe, whose neck was so
long the horseradish did not reach a vital spot as quick as it did with
the hippo, began to yell for the police and dance around. Finally he
stood on his head and neck, with his heels against a cage, and coughed
like he had caught pneumonia. Pa said to the boss canvasman: "Well, what
do you think of that?"
The zebras had their inning next, and after they had swallowed their
rations of horseradish, they never said a word, but began to run around
like dancing the lancers, and when they got to going it looked like a
kaleidoscope, and the six zebras looked like a million. Pa said: "I
never saw such a sight since I used to drink, but I have either got the
jim-jams, or something awful has happened to this menagerie."
The educated hog got a double dose, and he squealed and couldn't pick
out the right card, and then the llamas got busy on their portion of
horseradish, and they cried in Spanish, and stood on their hind legs and
shed tears. Pa got so rattled he looked ten years older than he did when
the afternoon performance opened. The manager of the big show came in to
know why the elephants had not been sent into the dressing-room, to be
got ready for the grand entree. Just then the elephants began to eat
their horseradish, and when they were driven into the big tent they were
complaining about something being wrong inside of them, and as they came
by the lemonade stand they seemed to be yelling "Fire!" Then they all
stopped at the stand and began to drink the lemonade out of the barrels,
which seemed to put out the fire.
The animals quieted down a little, and pa went into the big tent to
consult the manager, and I thought it was a shame that the lions and
hyenas and tigers couldn't have any fun, so I went to the table where
the meat was laid out ready to feed them, and cut a hole in each piece
of meat and put in a double handful of horseradish, and just then the
feeder came along and began to throw the meat in the cages. Gee, but
those carnivorous animals are bad enough even if you give them nice
boiled sirloin steak, and they fight enough over it, at any time, but
when they began to chew and tear the meat, and get horseradish hot from
the griddle, they didn't do a thing. The audience thought the animals
would kill everybody. The big lion got his meat down, but it didn't set
well, and he turned a somersault, and snarled, and pulled the bars of
the cage, while the grizzly bear rolled up in a ball and rolled over in
his cage till the men had to hold on to the wheels to keep the shebang
from going over. The hyenas, who are always mad, went on a tear that
could be heard in all the tents.
Pa and the managers came back into the menagerie tent with the animal
keeper, who had been sent for, and they began to try to find out what
ailed the animals, and the animal keeper asked what pa had been feeding
them, and pa said he had given them their ground turnips.
"Turnips, indeed," said the keeper, as he took up some of the turnip and
tasted of it, and he handed a handful to pa. Pa tasted it, and pa had a
hot box, and the managers tasted of it, and they said: "No wonder." Then
they asked pa where he got it, and pa said he sent me to order it, and
then they all said: "That settles it."
[Illustration: Pa Tasted of It.]
I thought I would go 'way and jump in the river, but pa said: "Hennery,
come here, my angel," and he spit on his hands and picked up a barrel
stave. I went right up to pa, as innocent as could be, just as any
dutiful son should, and right there before the animals and freaks
pa--well, that's the reason I am not sitting down very much these days.
So long.