Pa Reproves the Fat Woman for Losing Flesh--The Bearded Lady Faints
in Pa's Arms--The Bad Boy Introduced Into Animal Society--They Pull
the Boa Constrictor's Ulcerated Tooth.
Winter Quarters of the Only Circus, April 20.--Pa has had a hard job
today. The boss complained to pa that the fat woman had been taking
anti-fat, or dieting, or something, 'cause she was losing flesh, and the
living skeleton was beginning to fat up. He wanted pa to call them into
the office and have a diplomatic talk with them about their condition,
'cause if this thing continued they would ruin the show.
So pa went to the office and sent for them, and I was there as a
witness, in case of trouble. The fat woman came in first, and there was
no chair big enough for her, so she sat down on a leather lounge, which
broke and let her down on the floor, and pa tried to help her up, but it
was like lifting a load of hay. So he leaned her against the wall and
said:
"Madame, the management has detailed me to censure you for losing flesh,
and I am instructed to say if you do not manage to take on about fifty
pounds more flesh before the show starts on the road, you don't go
along. What you want to do is to eat more starchy food and sleep more at
night. They tell me you go out nights to dances and drink high balls,
and this has got to stop. Drink beer and eat cheese sandwiches at night,
or it is all off. This show can't afford to take along no 400-pound
fairy for a fat woman when the contract calls for a 500-pound mountain
of flesh, see?" and pa looked just as stern as could be.
The fat woman began to cry and sob, so it sounded like an engine blowing
off steam, and she told pa that the cause of her losing flesh was that
she was in love with the living skeleton, and that he had been paying
attention to the bearded woman, and she would scratch her eyes out if
she could catch her. Just then the living skeleton came in, and when he
saw the fat woman sitting on the floor crying, and pa talking soothing
to her and telling her he could appreciate her condition, 'cause he had
been in love some hisself, the skeleton pushed pa away and tried to lift
it, and said: "What is the matter with my itty tootsy-wootsy, and what
has the bad old man with spinach on his chin been doing to you?"
Then he turned on pa and his legs began to shake and rattle like a pair
of bones in a minstrel show, and he said: "I will hold you responsible
for this." Pa said he was not going to interfere in the love affairs of
any of the freaks, and just then the bearded woman came in, and when she
saw the living skeleton holding the hand of the fat woman, who sat on
the floor like a balloon blowed up, the bearded woman gave a kick at the
living skeleton which sounded like clothes bars falling down in the
laundry, and she grabbed the fat woman's blonde wig and pulled it off,
and then the bearded woman began to cry and she threw herself into pa's
arms and began to sob on his bosom and mingle her whiskers with his.
[Illustration: "I Will Hold You Responsible for This!"]
Pa yelled for help, and I thought it was time for me to be doing
something, so I went outside the office to the fire alarm box and
touched a button, and then I run like thunder for the police, and the
firemen came with the extinguishers and began to throw chemically
charged water into the room, and the police dragged out the fat woman,
who had fainted, and the living skeleton, whom she had pulled down into
her lap, and laid them out in the ring, and then they got hold of pa and
pulled him out, and the bearded woman had fainted in pa's arms and the
stove was tipped over and was setting fire to the furniture and they
brought the bearded woman and the fat woman to their senses by pouring
water on them from a hose. Finally they were sent to their quarters, and
the other owner of the show came to pa and said he hoped this would be
the last of that kind of business, as long as pa remained with the show,
that one of the rules was that no man in an executive capacity must
under any circumstances take any liberties with any of the females
connected with the show.
Pa was hot, and said when women got crazy in love no man was safe, and
the other owner of the show said that was all right this time, but not
to let it occur again, and pa tried to explain how the bearded woman
came to jump on to him and faint in his arms, but the owner said: "That
is all right, but you can't hold 'em in your arms before folks," and
then pa offered to whip any man who said he was in love with any bearded
woman, and he pulled off his coat. Just then I came along and told the
whole story, and then the crowd all had a good laugh, and pa took them
all out and treated.
I guess it is all settled now, 'cause the living skeleton and the fat
woman have got permission to get married, the bearded lady is sweet on
pa, and a girl has just joined the show, who walks a wire, and she says
I am about the sweetest thing that ever came down the pike, and I guess
this show business is all right, all right.
April 21.--We are getting acquainted with the animals, and it is just
like going into society.
There is the aristocracy, which consists of the high born animals, the
middle class and the low down, common herd, and when you go among the
animals as strangers you are received just as you would be in society.
If you are properly introduced to the elephants by the elephant keeper,
who vouches for your standing and honor, the elephants take to you all
right and extend to you certain courtesies, same as society people would
invite you to dinner, but if you wander around and sort of butt in, the
elephants are on to you in a minute and roll their eyes at you and look
upon you as a common "person," and if you attempt any familiarity they
look at you as much as to say: "Sir, I am not allowed to associate with
any except the 400." Then they turn their backs and act so much like
shoddy aristocracy that you would swear they were human.
I remember when pa was first in the elephant corral, the keeper forgot
to tell the big elephant who pa was, and when the keeper raised up one
foot of the elephant and examined a corn, pa went up and pinched a bunch
on the elephant's leg and said to the keeper: "That looks to me like a
spavin," and he nebbed it hard. Well, the elephant groaned like a boy
with a stone bruise on his heel, and before pa knew what was coming the
elephant wound his trunk under pa and raised pa upon his tusks and was
going to toss him in the air and catch him as he came down and walk on
him, when pa yelled murder and the keeper took an iron hook and hooked
it into the elephant's skin, and said: "Let that man down," and he let
pa down easy, and the keeper some way showed the elephant that pa was
one of the owners of the show, and that elephant acted just as human as
could be, for he fairly toadied to pa, like a society leader that has
given the cold shoulder to some one that is as good or better than they,
or like an impudent employee who has insulted his employer and is afraid
of losing his job. After that whenever pa and I go around the elephants
they bow down to us, and I think I could take an iron hook and drive an
elephant anywhere.
There are all classes among the animals in a menagerie the same as human
society. The lions are like the leaders of society who are well born and
proud but poor. They are always invited everywhere, but never entertain,
though they kick and find fault and ogle everybody and look wise and
distinguished.
The sacred cattle are too good to live and pose as the pious animals who
do not want to associate with the bad animals and are constantly wearing
an air of "I am holier than any of you," but they will reach through the
bars of their cage and steal alfalfa from the Yak and the mule deer, and
if they kick about it the sacred cattle look hurt and act like it was
part of their duty to take up a collection, and they bellow a sort of
hymn to drown the kicking.
The different kind of goats in a menagerie are the butters-in, or the
new rich, who get in the way of the society leaders and try to outdo
them in society stunts, but they smell so that the other animals are
made sick and the goats are only tolerated because animal society is
afraid to offend them, for fear the leaders may some time go into
bankruptcy and the goats will take their places and never let them get a
smell of the good things of life.
The bears are the working people of the show, and the big grizzlies are
the walking delegates who control the amalgamated association of working
bears, and the occupants of the other cages have got to cater to Uncle
Ephraim, the walking delegate, or be placed on the unfair list and
slugged.
The hyenas and the jackals and the wolves represent the anarchists who
are down on everybody in the show, who won't do a thing to help along
and won't allow any other animal to do anything, and who seem to want to
burn and slay, to carry a torch by night and poison by day, and want
everything in the show to be chaos. Those animals are never so happy as
when the wind and lightning strike the tent, and blow it down and kill
people and create a panic, and then these anarchists sing and laugh and
enjoy their peculiar kind of animal religion.
The zebras and giraffes are the dudes of the show, and you can imagine,
if they were human, they would play tennis and golf, drive four in hands
and pose to be admired, while the Royal Bengal tigers, if they were half
human, would drive automobiles at the rate of a mile a minute on crowded
streets, run over people and never stop to help the wounded, but skip
away with a sneer, as much as to say: "What are you going to do about
it?"
The hippopotamus is like the lazy fat man that groans from force of
habit, sits down as though it was the last act of his life and only gets
up when the bell rings for meals, and he sweats blood for fear he will
lose his meal ticket and starve to death.
The seals are the clean-cut Baptists of the show, who believe in
immersion, and they have more brain than any animals in the show,
because they live on a fish diet, though they have a pneumonia cough
that makes you feel like sending for a doctor.
Gee, but last night when we thought spring had come and we could start
on the road pretty soon, the snow fell about a foot deep, and it was so
cold that all the animals howled all night, and shivered, and went on a
regular strike. We had to put blankets on them, and no one of them
seemed to be comfortable except the polar bears, the arctic foxes and
the fat woman. The other owners of the show thought it was a good time
to take the boa constrictor and pull an ulcerated tooth, 'cause he was
sort of dumpish, so pa and I helped hold the snake, which is about
twenty feet long.
Pa was up near the snake's head, and when the man with the forceps got
hold of the tooth and gave it a yank, the confounded snake come to and
began to stand on his head and thrash around, and pa dropped his hold
and started to climb the center pole, but he got caught in a gasoline
torch, and they had to turn a hose on pa, and he was awful scared,
'cause he always did hate snakes, but they gave the snake chloroform and
got him quiet, and pa came down, and they gave him a pair of baggy
trousers belonging to the clown, to go to dinner in, and pa was a sight.
[Illustration: They Had to Turn the Hose on Pa.]