For to tell a man that he did such a thing through ignorance or
inadvertency is, in my opinion, a much more genteel expression than
bluntly to say, “You have dealt unjustly or acted basely by me.” And to
advise a man not to quarrel with his brother is more civil than to say,
“Don’t you envy and malign him.” And “Keep not company with that woman
who debauches you” is softer language than “Don’t you debauch her.”
And thus you see with what caution and moderation we must reprehend
our friends in reclaiming them from vices to which they are already
subjected; whilst the prevention of them doth require a clear contrary
method. For when we are to divert them from the commission of a crime,
or to check a violent and headstrong passion, or to push on and excite
a phlegmatic lazy humor to great things, we may then ascribe their
failings to as dishonorable causes as we please.
Thus Ulysses, when he would awaken the courage of Achilles, in one of
the tragedies of Sophocles, tells him, that it was not the business of
a supper that put him in such a fret, as he pretended, but because he
was now arrived within sight of the walls of Troy. And when Achilles,
in a great chafe at the affront, swore he would sail back again with
his squadron and leave him to himself, Ulysses came upon him again with
this rejoinder
Come, sir, ’tis not for this you’d sail away;
But Hector’s near, it is not safe to stay
And thus, by representing to the bold and valiant the danger of being
reputed a coward, to the temperate and sober that of being thought
a debauchee, and to the liberal and magnificent the chance of being
called stingy and sordid, we spur them on to brave actions and divert
them from base and ignominious ones.
Indeed, when a thing is once done and past remedy, we ought to qualify
and attemperate our reproofs, and commiserate rather than reprimand.
But if it be a business of pure prevention, of stopping a friend in
the career of his irregularities, our applications must be vehement,
inexorable, and indefatigable; for this is the proper season for a
man to show himself a true monitor and a friend indeed. But we see
that even enemies reprove each other for faults already committed. As
Diogenes said pertinently enough to this purpose, that he who would
act wisely ought to be surrounded either with good friends or flagrant
enemies; for the one always teach us well, and the other as constantly
accuse us if we do ill.
But certainly it is much more eligible to forbear the commission of a
fault by hearkening to the good advice of our friends, than afterwards
to repent of it by reason of the obloquy of our enemies. And therefore,
if for no other reason, we ought to apply our reprehensions with a
great deal of art and dexterity, because they are the most sovereign
physic that a friend can prescribe, and require not only a due mixture
of ingredients in the preparation of them but a seasonable juncture for
the patient to take them in.
37. But because, as it has been before observed, reproofs usually carry
something of trouble and vexation along with them, we must imitate
skilful physicians, who, when they have made an incision in the flesh,
leave it not open to the smart and torment that attends it, but chafe
and foment it to assuage the pain. So he who would admonish dexterously
must not immediately give a man over to the sting and anguish of his
reprehensions, but endeavor to skin over the sore with a more mild
and diverting converse; like stone-cutters, who, when they have made
a fracture in their statues, polish and brighten them afterwards. But
if we leave them in pain with their wounds and resentments, and (as it
were) with the scars of our reproofs yet green upon them, they will
hardly be brought to admit of any lenitive we shall offer for the
future. And therefore they who will take upon them to admonish their
friends ought especially to observe this main point, not to leave
them immediately upon it, nor abruptly break off the conference with
disobliging and bitter expressions.
THAT IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO LIVE PLEASURABLY ACCORDING TO THE DOCTRINE
OF EPICURUS.