_To Monsieur Punch._
_Cher Monsieur_,--Last year I am gone to your races of Ascot. It is
beautiful, it is ravishing, but how it is dear! Thousand thunders,
how it is dear! I go to the _Grand Prix_, I pay twenty francs, that is
also dear, but it is all, it is finished. Eh well, I desire to see one
time your Gold Cup, and I go of good hour by railway. Arrived there I
pay one pound, that what you call one sov., and I enter. I suppose I
can go by all--_partout_, how say you? Ah, but no! I see by all some
_affiches_ "One Pound."
I can to write your language enough well, but I speak with much of
difficulty. Therefore I read the affixes without nothing to ask.
Thus when I read "One Pound" I go no more far. I walk myself in
the charming garden and I see the beautiful misses. Ah how they are
adorable! DAUDET has wrong, DAUDET is imbecile, they are adorable. It
is not the pain to pay again some pounds for to see to run the horses,
when I can to see the misses who walk themselves here, without to pay
of more.
But in fine I am fatigued. Also I have great hunger, for it is the
hour of the _déjeuner_. But without doubt one is obliged to pay one
pound before to enter the bar. My word, I will not! I shall not pay
one sov., and more, for a squashed lemon and a bun of Bath. I go to
smoke at place of that, and I walk myself at the shade all near of an
arch.
All of a blow all the world lifts himself and comes very quick towards
me. I cannot escape, I am carried away by the crowd, I arrive to the
arch. I think "_Du courage, AUGUSTE mon cher! Sois calme! S'il y
a encore une livre à payer----_" But there is no sov., and I pass.
Thousand thunders! What is, then, this noise? Is he a revolution, a
riot of Anarchists? Ah, no! It are the bookmakers. The bookmakers
in the midst of the ladies! Hold, it is droll! And I pay one sov. to
stand with those men there! It is too strong! I go more far, I pass
the barrier, I am alone on the grass. I go to left. I see some men, in
a cage of iron, who cry also. It is--how say you?--"Tatersal." Then,
ah heaven, I arrive at the true _Pesage!_ Not of burgesses, not of
villain beasts of bookmakers, not even of "Tatersals." But _partout_
the ladies the most beautiful, the most charming, the most adorable!
It is there I go! Even if I pay one sov., two sovs., three sovs., I
go!
I essay to enter. The policeman stops me. I say, "One pound?" and I
offer to him one sov. He looks all around, and then he says, quite
low, "No good, Sir--the inspector's looking." I say, "She is good,
that pound there, I assure you of it. Is there two to pay?" And I hold
one other. Then the inspector comes and says I bribe the policeman. I
say that no. He says that yes. I am furious. I say I pay the entrance.
He says, "Get off the course." I refuse. He pushes me. I resist. Other
policemen push me. Just heaven, they force me to go! I cannot resist.
Then all the people in face cry furiously. They shout "Welshman!" How
they are stupid! Can they think that I am a Welshman--me, AUGUSTE? Ah,
that it is droll! Then the policemen run, and I run also. I wish not
to run, but I am forced. And, in fine, we are at the railway station,
and they put me in a train, and I arrive to London at three o'clock.
See there all that I have seen of your races of Ascot, and I have paid
one sov. It costs very dear.
Sincere friendships, AUGUSTE.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "HONEY, MY HONEY!"
_Chinaman._ "MUCH OBLIGED TO YOU FOR THIS LITTLE ADVANCE; BUT I'M
AFRAID I SHALL WANT SOME MORE SOON."
_Bear_ (_aside_). "SO SHALL I! A GOOD DEAL MORE--FROM _YOU_."
[_Hums "Oh, honey, MY honey!"_
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE.
_Auntie._ "ARCHIE, RUN UP TO THE HOUSE, AND FETCH MY RACKET. THERE'S A
DEAR!"
_Archie_ (_preparing to depart_). "ALL RIGHT. BUT I SAY, AUNTIE, DON'T
LET ANYBODY TAKE MY SEAT, WILL YOU?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration]