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It has been noticed by philosophers that a mere name will often lead
a man to his ruin. Why, for example, was JOHN DARLEY fined twenty
shillings and costs at the Tynemouth Petty Sessions? He met a
boiler-smith, RICHARD ROTHWELL, riding on a bicycle. Thereupon,
without any apparent reason, he used abusive language, bashed the
unoffending boiler-smith on the nose, brandished a knife, and shouted
out, "Come on!--I'm JOHNNY DARLEY, from Byker." There you have it.
Residing, as he did, in a perpetual comparative, he naturally despised
and loathed the positive "byke." Hence his violent assault on its
rider.
* * *
I observe, with deep regret, that Professor LLOYD, of Southport,
has been fined for trespassing on a railway bridge at Preston. The
Professor did not want to stay there. All he wished to do, and all
that he actually did, was to dive off into the water below. He is an
aquatic Professor, and informed the Bench that he was obliged to do
these things to keep up his reputation.
* * *
I'll tell you a tale of Professor LLOYD,
Who dived off a bridge at Preston--
An act that the magistrates much annoyed,
Though he kept both his coat and vest on.
They said "You mustn't repeat this joke,
Professor, or else you'll rue it."
But LLOYD, the Professor, he up and spoke,
And said, "I'm obliged to do it.
Up on the bridge I stand for awhile,
I stand till I fairly shiver.
Then down I go--it seems like a mile--
And I plunge in the bubbling river.
I hope your worships won't "queer my pitch,"
For I'm sorry to give you trouble
In maintaining a reputation which
Is so closely combined with bubble."
* * *
I wish I had been in Hawick lately. Ever since I first learnt the
rudiments of the English language I have been haunted by a desire to
know how a man looked and acted when he "bussed the Standard." They've
done that at Hawick "in connection," as I read, "with the celebration
of the ancient custom of the Common Riding." Later on "the local
slogan '_Teribus_' was sung with great vigour." There is something
crushing, scattering, and battle-heralding about the mere sound of
that fearful word.
* * *
J. B., who describes himself as "A Residenter in Oswald Road," writes
to _The Scotsman_ to complain of the flimsy material used in the
construction of the lamp-posts near his dwelling. The other day a
milk-van ran away--at least, the horse drawing it did. "One would
think," says J. B., "the progress of such a small vehicle would have
been arrested by coming into collision with one lamp-post, but four
posts were destroyed by the van. On examination it is found that the
foundation of a street lamp-post only goes three inches into the
stone below it. With such a short hold the lamp-post is easily toppled
over." Of course it is. To fix lamp-posts so inadequately gives
a direct encouragement to milk-vans to run away and attempt their
destruction. Let the Lord Provost of Edinburgh look to it.
* * *
The Master and the Matron of the workhouse at Stratford-on-Avon have
resigned, and the guardians have been "considerably discussing" the
appointment of their successors. Eventually it was resolved, not
only to reduce the salaries, but also--hear this, ye licensed
victuallers!--to cut off the beer-money hitherto paid. What dignity
can possibly attach to a workhouse officer who has to pay for his own
beer? It is by such insidious attacks as this that the foundations of
public confidence are shaken, and the whole fabric of the Constitution
is endangered. My mind misgives me when I attempt to forecast the
future of Stratford.
* * *
At Tetbury there is a lodge of the recently-established Conservative
Working Men's Benefit Society. It is called--_absit omen_--the Trouble
House Lodge, and quite recently it held a _fête_ and dinner. 'Tis
always _fête_-day somewhere in the world. Indeed, the amount of
_fêtes_ that take place on any given day in provincial England is
astounding. Without frequent _fêtes_ no district can be considered
respectable.
* * *
In the world that we live in our troubles are great;
To add to their number is scarcely the game.
Nay, how can these lodgers delight in their _fête_,
With perpetual trouble attached to their name?
* * *
At Owens College, Manchester, so I gather from the letter of "An
Old Student" in _The Manchester Guardian_, some of the students are
beginning to feel, that "while its teaching of specific subjects is
admirable, in fact, unsurpassed, its general education--that education
which consists in the development of men--has not yet reached the same
level." They therefore wish to develop athletics, and by making the
modest subscription of 10_s._ 6_d._ compulsory on all, "to decoy the
unathletic man into taking exercise almost without knowing it." At
present only 150 out of 800 students pay up. I heartily commend this
proposal, though I confess I should like to know what sort of
exercise it is that a man can take almost without knowing it. Let
the unathletic man be decoyed by all means, but let him thoroughly
understand that he is to take exercise, and take it, if possible, with
reasonable violence.
* * *
MR. N. F. DRUCE, of Cambridge, is, as I write, at the head of the
batting averages of this year, and next to him comes the marvellous W.
G.
Ye batsmen attend, of my hints make a use,
And consider the greatness of GRACE and of DRUCE.
If you wish to make hundreds your names, you'll agree
Must be monosyllabic and end with c, e.
* * * * *