(_AS RECORDED BY MR. PUNCH'S PATENT PHONOGRAPH._)
Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad enough, but
fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be done. Shade of
CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:--
"What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? Mustn't offend
these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take kindly to jokes.
Let me see, he served on the _Euryalus_ (query? ought I to bring in
_Nisus_). Travelled a great deal--_multorum vidit et urbes_. _Mem._
Work this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the
cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. To be
worked up. Sailor-Prince: _mem._ _O navis referent, etc._ See also
VIRGIL's description of storm. Prince plays fiddle. Might say that
VIRGIL was poet _quem vicina Cremonæ Mantua genuit_. Did this, years
ago, for old JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the _væ nimium
miseræ vicina Cremonæ_. Prince won't know about that. What's the best
Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE OF ROUMANIA. Can
get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!!
"NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he only got
Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. Conquests of
ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look up RUDYARD KIPLING
for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, _sub-fusci fratres?_) good
Academical joke this; sure to fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the
CHANCELLOR's so poor in Latin.
"CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount (_Vice-Comes_
DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; looks after education.
That'll do it. Who's this fool that has sent a post-card asking me to
say something about _Educatio libera_? _Num est tuus servus canis ut
hanc rem faciat?_
"HENRY JAMES. Dear me! No University education. Must refer to CICERO
as a barrister. _Solicitor Generalis_ doesn't sound right somehow.
Refused to be Lord Chancellor. _Mem._ Get good joking Latin for
Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must see me through.
"JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him myself.
_Birminghamiæ decus; civium consensu ter_--What the dickens is
Mayor in Latin? Did anybody make screws in ancient Rome? _Mem._ Work
up orchids and eyeglass. _Una cum Cancellario nostro seni grandi
restitit._ Absolutely no literary distinction. Still, he's got a son
who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig at OSCAR BROWNING and
East Worcestershire. Something about old-age pensions. Bah, I hate the
job!
"JOHN MORLEY. Humph! Delicate ground. Home Rule's got to be skimmed
over. Only consistent Home-Ruler of the lot (_sibi constat_). Books
by the dozen (_lucidus ordo, etc._). French Revolution (_res novæ_).
Ardent reformer (_res renovanda radicitus_). Ought to drag in
_impiger, iracundus, inexorabilis acer_. Better not, on second
thoughts.
"That's enough for one morning. Polish off the rest to-morrow.
_Mem._ WEBSTER won two miles against Oxford (_duo millia passuum;
Oxoniensibus triumphatus_, and a few japes about Isthmian games. Must
fetch them). Remember to give ROBY one or two for himself over his
Latin grammar. Mostly wrong. He'd better stick to making reels of
cotton. SEELEY and the others can wait."
* * * * *
MR. HARDUP lately came into a large fortune, and changed his name to
SKATTERKASH. He has started a coach, and drives four duns. "The duns
used always to be after me," says he; "now I've got 'em before me.
It's a pleasant reminder of unpleasant times."
* * * * *