A FIFTY-FIFTY SPLIT WITH HUNK
"And believe me, Shorty," goes on Mr. Hunk Burley, tappin' a stubby
forefinger on my knee, and waggin' his choppin'-block head energetic,
"when I get behind a proposition yuh goin' to get some action."
"Sure, I know, Hunk," says I, glancin' up at the clock uneasy and
squirmin' a bit in the swing chair.
You see, this had been goin' on now for near an hour, and while it might
be more or less entertainin' as well as true, I wa'n't crazy about
listenin' to it all the afternoon. For one thing, I wa'n't comin' in on
his scheme. Not a chance. I can be bilked into buyin' tickets for a
raffle, even when I wouldn't take the junk that's put up as a gift, and
I'm easy in other ways; but when it comes to any gate-money game, from
launchin' a musical comedy to openin' a new boxin' club, I'm Tight Tommy
with the time lock set. None in mine! I've had my guesses as to what the
public wants, and I know I'm a perfectly punk prophet.
Besides, it was about time for J. Bayard Steele to show up with this
gent from Washington, Cuyler Morrison De Kay, and--well, I'd just as
soon not be bothered to explain Hunk Burley to a pair like that. You
know the kind of bygone friends that do need explainin'--well, Hunk
needed it bad; for as far as looks went he was about the crudest party
that ever sported a diamond elephant stickpin or chewed twenty-five-cent
cigars for a steady diet.
Built wide and substantial, Hunk was, with the longest arms you ever saw
outside an iron cage, and a set of rugged features that had the Old Man
of the Mountain lookin' like a ribbon clerk. Reg'lar cave dweller's
face, it was; and with his bristly hair growin' down to a point just
above his eyes, and the ear tufts, and the mossy-backed paws--well, if
there ever was a throw-back to the Stone Age he was it.
As a rubber in my old trainin' camp outfit, though, Hunk had his good
points. I've gone on the table to him with a set of shoulder muscles as
stiff as a truck trace and inside of half an hour jumped up as limber as
a whale-bone whip. And I'd never sign up for more'n a ten-round go
without sendin' for Hunk first thing after the forfeits was up. Course,
when it come to society, there was others I liked better, and I expect
after I quit the ring I didn't take any particular pains to keep his
name in my address book.
But Hunk was one of the old crowd that didn't need much dodgin'. He went
his way like I went mine, and I hadn't seen him for years when he
tramps into the studio here the other noon, treadin' heavy on his heels
and wearin' this suit of peace-disturbin' plaids. He hadn't climbed the
stairs just for any Auld Lang Syne nonsense, either. He was there on
business.
That is, it seemed like business to him; for, in his special way, Hunk
had been comin' along. He hadn't stuck to bein' a rubber. He'd done a
strong-man turn with a medicine top for awhile, then he'd worked into
the concession game on the county fair circuit, managed a Ferris wheel
and carrousel outfit, and even swung an Uncle Tom troupe, with six real
bloodhounds, through the town halls of fourteen States.
"Pullin' down the kale by the double handsful, mind you," says Hunk.
"But no more! The movies has queered the Topsy business. Absolutely! I
seen it comin' just in time, and I've been layin' low until I could find
something to beat it. Say, I've got it too. Not for this territory. I'll
give the film people two years more to kill themselves in the North,
with the rot they're puttin' out. But in the South they ain't got such a
hold, and the folks are different. They're just old style enough down
there to fall for a street parade and fifty-cent seats on the blue
benches. They got the coin too--don't make no mistake about that. And
this Great Australian Hippodrome will make 'em loosen up like a Rube
showin' his best girl what he can do throwin' baseballs at the dummies.
Yea, Bo! It's the biggest bargain on the market too. Come in with me,
Shorty, on a half int'rest, splittin' fifty-fifty."
"Too big a gamble, Hunk," says I. "I've seen more money dropped on ring
shows than----"
"But we carry a pair of boxin' kangaroos," he breaks in eager, "that
pulls an act they go nutty over. And our tribe of original wild Bush
people has never been shown this side of Melbourne."
"Sorry, Hunk," says I, "but if I had all that money tied up in billboard
sheets and smoky canvas, I couldn't sleep well on windy nights. None of
your flat-car hippodromes for me. That's final! Besides, I got a date
with a couple of swells that's liable to show up here any minute, and I
ought to----"
What I really ought to have done was to have chucked a table cover over
Hunk and played him for a piece of statuary; but before I can make a
move in walks J. Bayard and this Washington gent. Next minute we was
bein' introduced, and all I can do is stand in front of Hunk with one
hand behind me, givin' him the fade-away signal energetic.
Does he get it? Not Hunk! The one real sensitive spot in his system can
be reached only by sluggin' him behind the ear with a bung starter, and
I didn't have one handy. He shoves his chair back into the corner and
continues to gawp; so I just has to let on that he ain't there at all.
Course I'd been put wise to who this Cuyler Morrison De Kay was. He's
what Mr. Steele calls an object of altruism. In other words, he's No. 7
on Pyramid Gordon's list, and our job is to frame up for him some kind
and generous deed, accordin' to the specifications of the will. As usual
too, J. Bayard had got all balled up over doin' it; for while Mr. De Kay
ain't quite the plute he looks, it turns out he's holdin' down one of
them government cinches, with a fat salary, mighty little real work, and
no worry. He's a widower, and a real elegant gent too. You could tell
that by the wide ribbon on his shell eyeglasses and the gray suède
gloves.
I could see in a minute that he'd sort of put the spell on Steele, most
likely because he was a genuine sample of what J. Bayard was givin' only
a fair imitation of. You know, one of these straight-backed,
aristocratic old boys that somehow has the marks of havin' been
everywhere, seen everything, and done everything. You'd expect him to be
able to mix a salad dressin' _à la Montmartre_, and reel off anecdotes
about the time when he was a guest of the Grand Duke So and So at his
huntin' lodge. Kind of a faded, thin-blooded, listless party, somewhere
in the late fifties, with droopy eye corners and a sarcastic bite to his
offhand remarks.
I may as well admit that I didn't take so kindly to Cuyler from the
first. Also I was a little peeved at J. Bayard when I discovers he's
lugged him up here without findin' out much about him. Hadn't even asked
De Kay how it was him and Pyramid Gordon had bumped up against one
another. So I fires that at him straight.
"Let's see," says I, "where was it you and Mr. Gordon got mixed up?"
"Gordon?" says he, shruggin' his shoulders and smilin' cynical. "Really,
I can't conceive just why he should remember me. True, during our brief
acquaintance, he showed a most active dislike for me; but I assure you
it was not mutual. A man of Gordon's type---- Bah! One simply ignores
them, you know."
"You don't say!" says I. "Now I had an idea that wa'n't so dead
easy--ignorin' Pyramid."
Cuyler humps his gray eyebrows as if he was slightly annoyed. "I was
referring merely to his offensive personality," he goes on. "One does
not quarrel with a bulldog for its lack of manners."
"Ah, come!" says I. "Maybe he took you for one of these parlor spaniels
and was tryin' to throw a scare into you with a few growls."
I could hear J. Bayard gasp protestin'; but Cuyler shrugs it off without
wincin'. "Just how he regarded me was a subject to which I gave not the
slightest thought," says he. "I was concerned only with his enterprise
of crossing the Peoria & Dayton at grade in the face of an injunction
issued by the State supreme court. You see, I happened to be president
of the road at the time."
"Now we're gettin' to the plot of the piece," says I. "You blocked him
off, eh?"
"I did my best," says Mr. De Kay. "Of course I was not a practical
railroad man. I'd been somewhat of a figurehead, you understand. But in
this emergency I was called back from Europe and at the urgent request
of the directors I assumed active charge. My first step was to secure
the injunction."
"Which worried him, I expect?" says I, winkin' at J. Bayard.
"Quite as much as if I had sent a note by my office boy," says Cuyler.
"He rushed a construction train with two hundred men to the spot and
gave the order himself to tear up our tracks. Well, it was rather a
spirited contest. I mobilized our entire working force, had them sworn
in as deputy sheriffs, and kept three switch engines moving up and down
the line. For forty-eight hours we held them back."
"And then?" says I.
Cuyler executes that careless shoulder shrug once more. "Rifles," says
he. "I suppose I should have retaliated with machine guns; but I
preferred to put my trust in the law of the land. Of course I found out
how absurd that was later on. Gordon crossed our grade. After four or
five years of expensive litigation we gave up. By that time our road had
become part of the Gordon system. I was glad to get 48 for my holdings;
so you see his victory was quite complete. But the only real personal
contact I had with him was during those two days of the crossing war
when we took our meals at the wretched little hotel, facing each other
across the table. Fancy! His coarse attempts to treat the situation
humorously were more offensive, if anything, than his guerrilla business
tactics. An ill-bred, barbarous fellow, this Gordon of yours."
"Huh!" says I. "He wa'n't any parlor entertainer, that's a fact; but
take it from me, Mr. De Kay, he was a good deal of a man, for all that."
"So, I presume, was Captain Kidd," sneers Cuyler, "and Jesse James."
"Maybe," I comes back kind of hot. "But Pyramid Gordon was white enough
to want to divide his pile among the poor prunes he'd put out here and
there along the way. You're on the list too, and the chief object of
this little tête-à-tête is to frame up some plan of givin' you a boost."
"So Mr. Steele gave me to understand," says Cuyler. "In my case,
however, the reparation comes a little late. The fact is, Gentlemen,
that I--well, why quibble? I may be good for another ten or a dozen
years. But I shall go on just as I've been going on, following my daily
routine in the department, at my club, at my bachelor quarters. You get
into it, you know,--bath, breakfast, desk, dinner, a rubber or two of
bridge, and bed. A trifle monotonous, but a comfortable, undisturbed,
assured existence. I may have had ambitions once,--yes, I'm quite
sure,--but no longer. After my--er--my elimination, I got this place in
the department. There I've stuck for fifteen years. I've settled into
official routine; I'm fixed there hard and fast. It's so with many of
us. Most of us recognize the hopelessness of ever pulling out. At least
I do, fully. As I sometimes confess, I am merely one of the unburied
dead. And there you are!"
Kind of took me off my guard, that did. And me about to knock him so
hard! I glances over at J. Bayard sort of foolish, and he stares back
vacant and helpless. Somehow we'd never been up against a proposition
like this, and it had us fannin' the air.
"Unburied dead, eh?" says I. "Oh come, Mr. De Kay, ain't that drawin' it
a little strong? Why, you ought to have lots of punch left in you yet.
All you got to do is buck up."
"The optimism of youth!" says he. "I suppose I ought to feel grateful,
Professor McCabe, for your well intentioned advice. And I can almost say
that I wish I might----"
He don't get a chance to finish; for this is right where Hunk Burley,
that I'd almost forgot was in the room, suddenly kicks into the debate.
I'd felt one or two tugs at my coat; but this last one was so vigorous
it nearly whirls me around. And as I turns I finds him blinkin' and
splutterin' excited, like he'd swallowed his cigar.
"Eh?" says I. "What's troublin' you, Hunk?"
"He--he's the guy," says Hunk, "the very guy!"
"Wha-a-at?" says I, followin' the look in them wide-set pop eyes of his.
"Who is?"
"Him," says he, pointin' to Cuyler. "He's a reg'lar guy, he is; the spit
and image of what I been wantin' to connect with these last six months.
Say, Shorty, put me next."
"Gwan!" says I. "You ain't supposed to exist. Paint your funnels black
and run the blockade."
At which Cuyler, who has been starin' curious through his glasses, steps
forward. "What is it?" says he. "Do I understand that the gentleman
wishes to speak to me?"
"You're hootin'," says Hunk. "Only I ain't no gent. I'm just Hunk
Burley, managin' producer. Tent shows is my line, ring or stage, and I'm
carryin' a proposition up my cuff that means a lot of easy money to
whoever grabs it first. Do you get me?"
"Ah, stow it, Hunk!" says I. "Mr. De Kay ain't one of your crowd. Can't
you see he's----"
"But with him out front," breaks in Hunk eager, "and pullin' that swell
line of patter, we could pack the reserved benches from dirt to canvas.
Honest, we could! Say, Mister, lemme put it to you on the level. You buy
in with me on this Great Australian Hippodrome, a half int'rest for
twelve thou cash, leave me the transportation and talent end, while you
do the polite gab at the main entrance, and if we don't lug away the
daily receipts in sugar barrels I'll own the boxin' kangaroos for first
cousins. Why, it's the chance of a lifetime! What do you say to it?"
And you should have seen the look on Cuyler Morrison's aristocratic map
as he inspects Hunk up and down and it dawns on him that he's bein'
invited to break into the circus business. But after the first shock has
passed off he ends by smilin' indulgent.
"My good fellow," says he, "you flatter me. My qualifications for such a
partnership are entirely too limited."
"If you mean you couldn't get away with it," says Hunk, "you got another
guess. Why, in one forenoon I could coach you up for a spiel that would
set 'em mobbin' the ticket wagons! And with you in a white silk lid
drivin' four spotted ponies and leadin' the grand street parade--say
they'd be lettin' out the schools for our matinées."
Out of the tail of my eye I could see that J. Bayard was speechless with
indignation. But what could I do? The only way of stoppin' Hunk was to
choke him, which wa'n't any pink tea proceedin'. Besides, Cuyler seems
to be mildly entertained at it all.
"A fascinating picture, truly!" says he. "I have often envied those
important personages at the head of street parades without ever dreaming
that some day the opportunity might come to me of---- But alas! I have
no twelve thousand to invest in such an estimable enterprise."
"Ah, quit your kiddin'!" says Hunk.
He wouldn't believe for a minute that Cuyler couldn't cash a check for
twice that, wouldn't even listen to Mr. De Kay while he protests that
really he's a poor man livin' on a government salary. Hunk knew better.
The ribbon on the shell-rim eyeglasses had got him, too.
"Very well," laughs Cuyler, givin' up the attempt. "But I must insist
that I have no surging ambition, at my time of life, to drive spotted
ponies in public. In fact, I've no ambitions at all."
"Then that's just why you ought to hook up with me," says Hunk. "Wait
until you've been out a week on the road; that'll be enough to get you
interested. And take it from me, there ain't any game like it,--pilin'
out of your berth at a new pitch every mornin', breakfast in the mess
car on the sidin', strollin' out to the grounds and watchin' the pegs
sunk, drivin' around town to take a glance at the paper display, formin'
on for the parade, sizin' up the sidewalk crowds, and a couple of hours
later seein' 'em collectin' from all sides around the big top; then at
night, when you've had two big houses, to check up the receipts and
figure out how much you are to the good. Say, don't make any mistake,
that's livin'! It ain't layin' back easy and havin' things handed you on
a platter: it's goin' out after what you want, your jaw set and your
shoulders braced, and bringin' home the bacon."
Cuyler, he's still listenin' sort of amused; but he's inspectin' this
crude specimen in front of him with a little more int'rest. He shakes
his head though.
"I've no doubt the life is all you describe," says he. "However, it is
not for me."
"Why not?" demands Hunk. "Didn't I just hear you tellin' how you was
travelin' with a bunch of dead ones? Ain't stuck on it, are you? And the
answer is, Come out of your trance. I take it you ain't anybody special
where you are now; just one of the cogs. Buy in with me, and I'll make
you the main belt. That's right! Say, I'll tell you what! We'll feature
you on the four-sheets--De Kay & Co.'s Grand Australian Hippodrome. Your
picture in a wreath of roses,--no, a horseshoe's better,--and we'll play
up the show as a refined, educatin', moral exhibition. They'll believe
it when they see you. You'll be the big noise, the man in front. You'll
hear 'em passin' the tip along the curb as the parade swings by, 'That's
him--Mr. De Kay!' And you'll be the one to receive the Mayor and his
wife and show 'em to their arena box. Every day a new Mayor in a new
town. And you'll know 'em all, and they'll know you. What! That'll be
bein' somebody, eh?"
He'd stepped up, right in front of Cuyler, talkin' free and easy, as one
man to another. But then he always was that way. Not fresh, you know,
nor cocky; but just as if he was as good as anybody, and allowed
everybody was as good as him. He's lookin' Mr. De Kay straight in
between the eyes, good-natured but earnest, and all of a sudden he
reaches out a big paw and slaps him folksy on the shoulder.
"Well, Brother," says he, "how about it?"
I don't know how it struck J. Bayard Steele, but as for me, right then
and there I got wise to the fact that, in spite of the ear tufts and
low-brow manners, Hunk Burley, man for man, would measure up with De Kay
or anyone else; that is, within his limits. For he'd found his job. He
was there with the goods!
The same thought must have hit Cuyler too. Couldn't help it. He was
lookin' level into them steady eyes, hearin' that husky, even voice, and
watchin' that calm, rugged face that had so much strength behind it. A
party to depend on, to tie to. Anyway, something of the kind got him,
got him hard.
"By George!" says he. "I--I wish I could!" And with that he gives Hunk
the grip, quick and impulsive.
Which was when I developed this foolish idea. I looks over to J. Bayard
and grins. Then I turns back to Cuyler. "Well, it can be fixed," says I.
"Eh?" says he. "I beg pardon?"
"Your bit from Pyramid's pile," says I. "If you'll take the chance of
chuckin' your salary and quittin' the ranks of the unburied dead, we'll
stake you to enough so you can buy in with Hunk. Won't we, Steele?"
J. Bayard gulps once or twice and looks sort of dazed. "If Mr. De Kay
really wishes to connect himself with such a venture," says he, "of
course I----"
"I do," breaks in Cuyler. "And I assure you, Gentlemen, that I feel more
alive at this moment than I have for the last twenty years. My friend
Burley here has done that. I want to go on feeling that way. I am
willing to follow him anywhere."
"Then it's a go," says I. "Steele, write a voucher and I'll O.K. it."
"Good work!" says Hunk, givin' Cuyler another bone crushing grip. "And
remember, we split fifty-fifty on all the net. I'll close the deal by
to-morrow noon, and three weeks from to-day we open in Savannah."
Half an hour after they'd both gone J. Bayard still sits there gazin'
vague and puzzled at the silver crook on his walkin' stick.
"Just fancy!" he mutters. "A circus!"
"Oh, well," says I, "maybe it's better to be keepin' step to 'Rockin'
the Boat' than draggin' your heels along in the wake of the unburied
dead."
One thing I'm sure of, Cuyler wa'n't indulgin' in any momentary fit. He
meant business. I saw him last night, just as he was startin' for the
steamer.
"How you and Hunk comin' on?" says I.
"Excellent!" says he. "We've made some compromises, naturally. For
instance, he is to drive the spotted ponies, and I am to wear an
ordinary black silk hat when I lead the street parade."