UNDER THE WIRE WITH EDWIN
If you must know, I was doin' a social duck. Not that I ain't more or
less parlor broke by this time, or am apt to shy at a dinner coat, like
a selfmade Tammany statesman when addressin' his fellow Peruvians.
Nothing like that! Pick out the right comp'ny, and I can get through
quite some swell feed without usin' the wrong fork more'n once or twice.
I don't mind little fam'ly gatherin's at Pinckney's or the Purdy-Pells'
now. I can even look a butler in the eye without feelin' shivery along
the spine. But these forty-cover affairs at the Twombley-Cranes', with a
dinner dance crush afterwards and a buffet supper at one-thirty
A.M.--that's where I get off.
Sadie likes to take 'em in once in awhile, though, and as long as she'll
spend what there's left of the night with friends in town, and don't
keep me hangin' round until the brewery trucks and milk wagons begin to
get busy, I ain't got any kick comin'.
It was one of these fussy functions I was dodgin'. I'd had my dinner at
home, peaceable and quiet, while Sadie was dressin', and at that there
was plenty of time left for me to tow her into town and land her at the
Twombley-Cranes', where they had the sidewalk canopy out and an extra
carriage caller on duty. I'd quit at the mat, though, and was slopin'
down the front steps, when I'm held up by this sharp-spoken old girl
with the fam'ly umbrella and the string bonnet.
"Young man," says she, plantin' herself square in front of me, "is this
Mr. Twombley-Crane's house?"
"This is where it begins," says I, lookin' her over some amused; for
that lid of hers sure was the quaintest thing on Fifth-ave.
"Humph!" says she. "Looks more like the way into a circus! What's this
thing for?" and she waves the umbrella scornful at the canopy.
"Why," says I, "this is to protect the guests from the rude stares of
the common herd; also it's useful in case of a shower."
"Of all things!" says she, sniffin' contemptuous.
"If you don't like the idea," says I, "suppose I mention it to Mr.
Twombley-Crane? Maybe he'll take it down."
"That'll do, young man!" says she. "Don't try to be smart with me! And
don't think I'm asking fool questions just out of curiosity! I'm related
to Twombley-Crane."
"Eh?" says I, gawpin' at her.
"Cousin by marriage," says she.
"I--I take it all back then," says I. "Excuse my gettin' so gay. Come on
a visit, have you?"
"Ye-e-es," says she hesitatin'; "that is, I s'pose we have. We ain't
made up our minds exactly."
"We?" says I, gazin' around.
"Mr. Leavitt is behind the tent there, as usual," says she, "and he----
My land! I guess it's jest as well he is," she gasps, as a limousine
rolls up to the front of the canopy, a liveried footman hops off the
driver's seat, whisks open the door, and helps unload Mrs. K. Taylor
French.
Quite some wishbone in front and more or less spinal column aft Mrs. K.
Taylor is exposin' as she brushes past us up the strip of red carpet. So
you could hardly blame the old girl for bein' jarred.
"Young man," says she, turnin' on me severe, "what's going on here
to-night?"
"Dinner dance, that's all," says I.
"You mean they're having a lot of company in?" says she.
I nods.
"Then that settles it!" says she. "We don't go a step nearer to-night.
But where we will stay, goodness only knows!"
She was pikin' off, her chin in the air, when it struck me that if these
really was jay relations of the Twombley-Cranes, maybe I ought to lend
'em a helpin' hand. So I trails along until she brings up beside another
party who seems to be waitin' patient just under the front windows.
He's a tall, stoop-shouldered gent, with a grayish mustache and a good
deal of gold watch chain looped across his vest. In each hand he's
holdin' a package careful by the strings, and between his feet is one of
these extension canvas grips that you still see in use out in the
kerosene circuit.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," says I, "but I'm more or less a friend of the
fam'ly, and if you've come on special to visit 'em, maybe you'd better
wait while I let 'em know you're here. My name's McCabe, and if you'll
give me yours, why----"
"I'm Mrs. Sallie Leavitt, of Clarks Mills," says the old girl.
"Oh, yes," says I, "Clarks Mills. Up Skowhegan way, ain't it?"
"Vermont," says she. "This is Mr. Leavitt. I'm much obliged to you, Mr.
McCabe, but you needn't bother about tellin' anyone anything. If they've
got company, that's enough. I wish I'd never left Clarks Mills, that's
what I wish!"
"Now, Sallie!" protests the other half of the sketch, speakin' mild and
gentle.
"That'll do, Mr. Leavitt!" says she decided. "You know very well it was
all along of your fussing and fretting about never having seen your
cousin that we come to make this fool trip, anyway."
"I realize that, Sallie," says he; "but----"
"Mr. Leavitt," she breaks in, "will you be careful of them pies?" Then
she turns to me apologizin'. "Course, it does seem sort of silly,
travelin' around New York with two pumpkin pies; but I didn't know how
good a cook the folks had here; and besides I don't take a back seat for
anybody when it comes to mince or pumpkin. You see, I was planning to
surprise Cousin Twombley by slipping 'em onto the table to-morrow for
breakfast."
Say, the thought of what the Twombley-Cranes' English flunkies would do
at the sight of pumpkin pie on the breakfast table was most too much for
me. As it was, I had a bad coughin' fit, and when I recovered I suggests
eager, "Well, why not? They'll keep a day or so, won't they?"
"Not while I'm as hungry as I am now," says she. "And I'm dog tired too.
Young man, where'll we find a good, respectable tavern around here?"
"A which?" says I. "Oh! I get you--hotel. Now let's see. Why, I expect
the best thing you can do is to jump in one of these motor buses and
ride down to--no, I might's well go along, as it's right on my way home.
Here's one coming now."
So we piles in, umbrella, pies, and all, and inside of half an hour
I've landed the whole shootin' match safe in a two-fifty air-shaft room
in one of those punk little ten-story hotels down in the 40's. I showed
'em how to work the electric light switch, got 'em some ice water, and
pointed out the fire escape. In fact, I done everything but tuck 'em in
bed, and I had said good-night twice and was makin' my getaway, when
Mrs. Leavitt follows me out into the hall, shuttin' Hubby in by himself.
"Just one thing more, Mr. McCabe," says she. "I guess you needn't say
anything to Twombley-Crane about our bein' here."
"Oh!" says I. "Goin' to spring it on him to-morrow yourself?"
"Maybe," says she, "and then again maybe I won't go near 'em at all. I'm
going to think it over."
"I see," says I. "But I expect Mr. Leavitt will be up."
"What, alone?" says she. "Him? Not much!"
"Oh!" says I, and while I didn't mean it to show, I expect I must have
humped my eyebrows a little. Anyway, she comes right back at me.
"Well, why should he?" she demands.
"Why, I don't know," says I; "only he--he's the head of the house, ain't
he?"
"No, he ain't," says she. "I don't say it in a boasting spirit, for it's
always been one of the trials of my life; but Mr. Leavitt ain't at the
head of anything--never was, and never will be."
"Had plenty of chance, I expect?" says I sarcastic.
"Just the same chances other men have had, and better," says she. "Why,
when we was first married I thought he was going to be one of the
biggest men in this country. Everyone did. He looked it and talked it.
Talk? He was the best talker in the county! Is yet, for that matter.
Course, he'd been around a lot as a young man--taught school in Rutland
for two terms, and visited a whole summer in Bellows Falls. Besides
there was the blood, him being an own cousin to Twombley-Crane. Just
that was most enough to turn my head, even if that branch of the family
never did have much to do with the Leavitt side. But it's a fact that
Mr. Leavitt's mother and Twombley-Crane's father were brother and
sister."
"You don't mean it!" says I.
"Of course," she goes on, "the Leavitts always stayed poor country
folks, and the Cranes went to the city and got rich. When the old
homestead was left to Mr. Leavitt, though, he said he wasn't going to
spend the rest of his life on an old, worn-out farm. No, Sir! He was
going to do something better than that, something big! We all believed
it too. For the first six months of our married life I kept my trunk
packed, ready to start any minute for anywhere, expecting him to find
that grand career he'd talked so much about. But somehow we never
started. That wa'n't the worst of it, either. A year slipped by, and we
hadn't done a thing,--didn't even raise enough potatoes to last us
through Thanksgivin', and if we hadn't sold the hay standing and the
apple crop on the trees I don't know how we'd got through the winter.
"Along about the middle of March I got my eyes wide open. I saw that if
anything was done to keep us out of the poorhouse I'd got to do it. Old
Mr. Clark wanted someone to help in the general store about then, and I
took the job at six dollars a week. Inside of a year I was actin'
postmistress, had full charge of the drygoods side, did all the grocery
buyin', and was agent for a horse rake and mower concern. Six months
later, when Mr. Clark gave up altogether and the store was for sale, I
jumped in, mortgaged the Leavitt place all it would stand, borrowed
fifteen hundred dollars from a brother-in-law back in Nova Scotia, and
put a new sign over the door. That was over thirty years ago; but it's
there yet. It reads, 'Mrs. Sallie Leavitt, General Merchandise.'"
"But where did Mr. Leavitt fit in?" says I.
"Humph!" says she. "Mostly he's set around the store and talked. Oh, he
helps with the mail, cooks a little when I'm too rushed and ain't got
any hired girl, and washes dishes. That's always been the one useful
thing he could do,--wash dishes. I expect that's why everybody at the
Mills calls him Mr. Sallie Leavitt. There! It's out. I don't know as I
ever said that aloud before in my life. I've been too much ashamed. But
I might's well face the truth now. He's just Mr. Sallie Leavitt. And if
you don't think that hurts for me to have to own up to it, then you're
mighty mistaken. Maybe you can guess too why I ain't so anxious to
parade a husband like that before folks."
"Oh, well," says I, "sometimes a man gets tagged with a nickname like
that and don't half deserve it."
"Huh!" says she. "You don't know Mr. Leavitt as I do. I wa'n't goin' to
mention it; but--but--well, he's a book reader."
"A what?" says I.
"Reads books," says she. "Just reads and reads and reads. He's got what
he calls our circulatin' lib'ry in a room he's fixed up over the store.
Lends out books at five cents a week, you know. But, land! he reads more
of 'em himself than any ten customers. History, explorin' books, and
novels--specially novels about English society folks, like 'Lady
Thingumbob's Daughter,' and so on. And the fool ideas he gets from 'em!
I expect you'll laugh, but he actually tries to talk and act like them
people he reads about. Learned to drink tea out of books, Mr. Leavitt
has, and wants me to quit the store every afternoon about half past four
and drink it with him. Think of that! And instead of havin' his supper
at night he wants to call it dinner. Did you ever? Yes, Sir, that's the
kind of tomfoolery I've been puttin' up with all these years, and tryin'
to hide from the neighbors! Maybe you'll notice I always call him Mr.
Leavitt? That's why; to cover up the fact that he's only--well, what
they call him. And so, cousin or no cousin, I don't see how I'm goin' to
bring myself to let the Twombley-Cranes know. Anyway, I want to sleep on
it first. That's why I'd just as soon you wouldn't tell 'em we're here."
"I see," says I. "And you can bank on me."
I didn't peep a word, either. It's only the followin' evenin', though,
that Sadie announces:
"What do you think, Shorty? A Vermont cousin of Mr. Twombley-Crane is in
town, with his wife, and they're going to give them a dinner party
Friday night."
"Gee!" says I. "I'd like to be there."
"You will be," says she; "for you are specially invited."
"Eh?" says I. "To meet the poor relations? How's that?"
"Who said they were poor?" says Sadie. "Why, Twombley-Crane says that
his cousin's wife is one of the shrewdest business women he's ever heard
of. He has been handling her investments, and says she must be worth
half a million, at least; all made out of a country store, maple sugar
bushes, and farm mortgages. I'm crazy to see her, aren't you?"
"What--Sallie?" says I. "Half a million! Must be some mistake."
Course I had to tell her then about the couple I'd run across, and about
Mr. Sallie, and the pies, and the string bonnet. We had such a warm
debate too, as to whether she was really well off or not, that next day
my curiosity got the best of me, and I calls up the hotel to see if the
Leavitts are in. Well, they was, and Mrs. Leavitt, when she finds who it
is, asks pleadin' if I won't run up and see 'em a little while.
"Please come," says she; "for I'm completely flabbergasted. It's--it's
about Mr. Leavitt."
"Why, sure," says I. "I'll come right up."
I finds 'em sittin' in their dull, bare little hotel room, one on each
side of the bed, with the extension grip half packed on the floor.
"Well," says I, "what's up?"
"Ask him," says she, noddin' at Mr. Sallie.
But Leavitt only hangs his head guilty and shuffles his feet. "Then I'll
tell you," says she. "Yesterday he slipped out, hunted up his cousin,
and got us invited to dinner. More'n that, he said we'd come."
"Well, why not go?" says I.
"Because," says she, "I--I just can't do it. I--I'm--well, we've been
around some since we got here, lookin' into the big stores and so on,
and I've been noticin' the women, how they talk and act and dress
and--and--oh, I'm afraid, that's all!"
"Why, Sallie!" says Mr. Leavitt.
"Yes, I am," she insists. "I'm plumb scared at the thought of mixin'
with folks like that--just plumb scared. And, as you know, Mr. Leavitt,
it's the first time in my life I've ever been afraid of anything."
"Yes, that's so," says he, "that's so, Sallie. But you're not going to
be afraid now. Why should you?"
"Listen to him, Mr. McCabe!" says she. "Do you know what he wants me to
do? Spend a lot of money on clothes and rig myself up like--like that
woman we saw the other night!"
"And you're going to do it too," says Mr. Leavitt. "You can afford to
have the best there is,--a Paris frock, and the things that go with it.
I mean you shall, not for my sake, but for your own. You're a wonderful
woman, Sallie, and you ought to know it for once in your life. I want my
cousin to know it too. You've not only got more brains than most women,
but you're mighty good looking, and in the proper clothes you could hold
up your head in any company."
"Pshaw!" says Mrs. Leavitt, almost blushin'. "Right before Mr. McCabe
too!"
"Well, isn't it so?" demands Mr. Leavitt, turnin' to me.
"Why--er--of course it is," says I.
I tried to make it enthusiastic, and if it come out a little draggy it
must have been on account of that ancient lid of hers that's hangin' in
full view on one of the bedposts. As a matter of fact, she's one of
these straight-built, husky, well-colored dames, with fairly good lines
in spite of what the village dressmaker had done to her.
"There!" says Mr. Leavitt. "Now let's have no more talk of going home.
Let's go out and get the clothes right now. Perhaps Mr. McCabe can show
us where we can buy the right things."
"Land sakes! What a man you are, Mr. Leavitt!" says Sallie, weakenin' a
little.
Five minutes more of that kind of talk, and he'd got her to tie on her
bonnet. Then, with me leadin' the way and him urgin' her on from behind,
we starts on our shoppin' expedition.
"It's to be a complete outfit, from the ground up, ain't it?" says I.
"That's it," says Mr. Leavitt.
So, instead of botherin' with any department stores, I steers 'em
straight for Madame Laplante's, where they set you back hard, but can
furnish a whole trousseau, I'm told, at an hour's notice.
Mrs. Leavitt was still protestin' that maybe she wouldn't do any more
than look at the things, and how she wouldn't promise to wear 'em even
if she did buy a few; but you know what smooth salesladies they have in
such places. When I left two of 'em was gushin' over Mrs. Leavitt's
chestnut-tinted hair that she had piled up in slick coils under the
bonnet, and a third was runnin' a tape over her skillful. If it had been
anybody but Mrs. Sallie Leavitt, I'd have hated to take chances on
havin' to write the check when it was all over.
"Well, is she coming?" asks Sadie that night.
"Search me," says I. "I wouldn't bet a nickel either way."
That was Wednesday. All day Thursday I was expectin' to be called in
again, or hear that Sallie had made a break back for Vermont. But not a
word. Nor on Friday, either. So at seven o'clock that night, as we
collected in the Twombley-Cranes' drawin' room, there was some suspense;
for at least half of us were wise to the situation. At seven-fifteen,
though, they arrives.
And, say, I wish you could have seen Mrs. Sallie Leavitt of Clarks
Mills! I don't know what it cost to work the miracle, but, believe me,
it was worth twice the money! Leavitt was dead right. All she needed was
the regalia. And she'd got it too,--sort of a black lacy creation, with
jet spangles all over it, and long, sweepin' folds from the waist down,
and with all that hair of hers done up flossy and topped with a fancy
rhinestone headdress, she looked tall and classy. And stunnin'? Say, she
had a neck and shoulders that made that Mrs. K. Taylor French party
look like a museum exhibit!
Then there was Mr. Leavitt, all dolled up as correct as any cotillion
leader, balancin' his silk tile graceful on one wrist, and strokin' his
close-cropped mustache with his white glove, just as Mrs. Humphry Ward
describes on page 147.
"Well!" gasps Sadie. "I thought you said they were a pair of countrified
freaks!"
"You should have seen 'em when they landed with the pies," says I.
And, if you'll believe me, Mr. Leavitt not only had on the costume, but
he had the lines too. Sounded a little booky in spots maybe; but he was
right there with the whole bag of chatty tricks,--the polite salute for
the hostess, a neat little epigram when it come his turn to fill in the
talk, a flash or so of repartee, and an anecdote that got a good hand
all round the table. You see, he was sort of doublin' in brass, as it
were; conversin' for two, you know. For Sallie was playin' it safe,
watchin' how the others negotiated the asparagus, passin' up all the
dishes she couldn't dope out, and sayin' mighty little. Mostly she's
watchin' Mr. Leavitt, her eyes growin' brighter and rounder as the meal
progresses, and at last fairly beamin' across the table at him.
I didn't quite get the slant of all this until later, when we'd finished
and was trailin' into the lib'ry. Mrs. Leavitt breaks loose from
Twombley-Crane and falls back alongside of me.
"Well, how goes it?" says I. "Wasn't so bad, after all, was it?"
"Don't tell anyone," she whispers, "but I'm so scared I'd like to yell
and run away. I would too, if it wasn't for Edwin."
"Who?" says I.
"Mr. Leavitt," says she. "He's going to be Edwin to me after this,
though--my Edwin. Isn't he great, though? Course, I always knew he was a
good talker, and all that; but to do it in comp'ny, before a lot of city
folks--well, I must say I'm mighty proud of such a husband, mighty
proud! And anybody who ever calls him Mr. Sallie Leavitt again has got
to reckon with me! They'll never have a chance to do it in Clarks Mills.
The Mills ain't good enough for Edwin. I've just found that out. And to
think that all these years I've believed it was the other way round! But
I'm going to make up for all that. You'll see!"
Uh-huh! Mrs. Leavitt's a woman of her word. Soon as she can settle up
things at the store, foreclose a few mortgages, and unload a few blocks
of stock that can't be carried safe without watchin', it's goin' to be
the grand European tour for her and Edwin, and maybe a house in town
when they come back.
"Which only goes to show, Mrs. McCabe," says I, "how it's never too
late to discover that, after all, old Hubby's the one best bet on the
card."
"Pooh!" says Sadie. "It isn't always safe to let him know it, even if
you have."