REVERSE ENGLISH ON SONNY BOY
"Do you know, Shorty," says J. Bayard Steele, balancin' his bamboo
walkin' stick thoughtful on one forefinger, "I'm getting to be a regular
expert in altruism."
"Can't you take something for it?" says I.
But he waves aside my comedy stab and proceeds, chesty and serious,
"Really, I am, though. It's this philanthropic executor work that I've
been dragged into doing by that whimsical will of your friend, the late
Pyramid Gordon, of course. I must admit that at first it came a little
awkward, not being used to thinking much about others; but now--why, I'm
getting so I can tell almost at a glance what people want and how to
help them!"
"Huh!" says I. "Then you're some wizard. It often bothers me to dope out
just what I need myself; and when it comes to decidin' for other
folks---- Say, have you tackled envelope No. 4 on Pyramid's list yet?"
"I have," says J. Bayard, smilin' confident. "Peculiar case too. A month
or so ago I should have been puzzled. Now it seems very simple. I've
done all my investigating, made my plans, and if you will run downtown
to a lawyer's office with me after luncheon we shall meet the
beneficiaries-to-be and fix up the details of a nice little deed of
kindness of which I am the proud author."
"Fat commission in it for you, eh?" says I.
J. Bayard looks pained and hurt. "Really," says he, "I hadn't thought of
that. No, the outlay will be slight. In fact, it's merely a matter of
launching a young man in society."
"Well, well!" says I. "That's a husky job for a couple of grown men like
us, ain't it? Who's the young gent--Clarence what?"
"Ever hear of Hungry Jim Hammond?" says he.
I had, but couldn't quite place him; so J. Bayard supplies the
description. He'd started out as a railroad man, Hammond had, back in
the days when Pyramid Gordon was first beginnin' to discover that
swappin' hot air for votin' shares was perfectly good business so long
as you could get away with the goods. Only Hammond was the real thing.
He was a construction expert.
Mr. Gordon had found him on the payroll of a line he'd annexed by a
midnight deal; concluded he knew too much about the job to be a safe man
to have around; so he transfers him to the Far West and sets him to work
on a scheme to lay out a road parallelin' the Southern Pacific. Hammond
couldn't tell it was a stall. He blazes merrily ahead surveyin' a right
of way across three States, and had got as far as Death Valley when the
rumor comes to camp that this new line is all a fake.
Hammond had a gang of twenty-five or thirty men with him, and his weekly
pay check hadn't shown up for about a month. But he couldn't believe
that Pyramid had laid down on him. He'd got mighty int'rested in
buildin' that road across the desert, and had dreamed some rosy dreams
about it. But his men felt diff'rent. They wanted action on the
cashier's part, or they'd quit. Hammond begged 'em to stay. He even blew
in his own bank account settlin' part of the back wages. But inside of
three days his crew had dwindled to a Chinese cook and a Greaser mule
driver. Took him a couple of weeks more to get wise to the fact that he
was stranded there in the sand, six miles from a water hole, with a few
cases of canned beef and a sack of corn meal.
Even then he didn't give up for good. He made his way back to a stage
station and sent through a wire to Pyramid askin' for instructions. More
than a month he waited, with no word from Gordon. Seems that by then
Pyramid was too busy with other things. He'd cashed in on his bluff and
was sortin' a new hand. And maybe he wa'n't anxious to have Hammond come
East again. Anyway, he let him shift.
That was when Hammond came so near starvin'. But he didn't--quite. For a
year or more he managed to live somehow. Then one day he drove a team
of boneyard mules into Blue Dog with a wagonload of stuff that the
natives stared at. It was white, shiny stuff. Hammond said it was borax.
He'd discovered a big deposit of it out there in the blisterin' sand. He
was goin' to ship it back East and sell it. They thought he was nutty.
He wasn't, though. On East they was usin' a lot of borax and demandin'
more.
With a few thousand back of him Hammond might have got to be the Borax
King right then; but as it was he held onto an interest big enough to
make him quite a plute, and inside of a year he was located in Denver
and earnin' his nickname of Hungry Jim. His desert appetite had stayed
with him, you see, and such little whims as orderin' a three-inch
tenderloin steak frescoed with a pound of mushrooms and swimmin' in the
juice squeezed from a pair of canvasback ducks got to be a reg'lar thing
for him.
It was there he met and married the husky built head waitress and moved
into a double-breasted mansion up on Capitol Hill. Also he begun wearin'
diamond shirtstuds and givin' wine dinners.
"But, like others of his kind," goes on J. Bayard, "his luck didn't
last. Because he'd made one big strike, he thought he knew the mining
game from top to bottom. He lost hundreds of thousands on wild ventures.
His long drawn out suit against Pyramid was another expensive luxury;
for in the end Gordon beat him.
"It was Hammond's big appetite that finished him off, though,--acute
indigestion. So that is why Pyramid leaves us this item in his list:
'The widow or other survivor of James R. Hammond.' Well, I've found them
both, Mrs. Hammond and her son Royce. I haven't actually seen either of
'em as yet; but I have located Mrs. Hammond's attorney and had several
conferences with him. And what do you think? She won't take a dollar of
Gordon's money for herself; nor will Royce directly. There's one thing,
however, that she will probably not refuse,--any social assistance we
may give to her son. That's her chief ambition, it seems,--to see Royce
get into what she considers smart society. Well, what do you say,
McCabe? Can't we help?"
"Depends a good deal on Royce," says I. "Course, if he's too raw a
roughneck----"
"Precisely!" breaks in J. Bayard. "And as the son of such a man we must
look for rather a crude youth, I suppose. But in order to carry out the
terms of Gordon's will we must do some kind and generous act for these
people. This seems to be our only chance. Now here is my plan."
And he's comin' on, J. Bayard is! He proposes that we use our combined
pull with Mr. Twombley-Crane to land Royce--for one consecutive night,
anyway--plunk in the middle of the younger set. He's leased a nice
furnished cottage from one of the Meadowbrook bunch, not more'n a mile
from the Twombley-Crane estate, got the promise of havin' the
youngster's name put up at the Hunt Club for the summer privileges, and
has arranged to have mother and son move in right in the height of the
season.
"In time for the Twombley-Cranes' big costume ball?" I suggests.
"Nothing less," says he. "And if we could manage to have them invited to
that--well, what more could a fond parent ask?"
"H-m-m-m!" says I, rubbin' my chin. "Might get ourselves disliked if we
sprung a ringer on 'em that way. Course, if this Royce boy could be
trained to pull a broad A now and then, and be drilled into doin' a
maxixe that would pass, I might take a chance. Mrs. McCabe could get
their names on the guest list, all right. But I'd have to have a peek at
Sonny first."
You see, with an ex-waitress mother, and a Hungry Jim for a father,
Royce might be too tough for anything but a Coney Island spiel-fest. In
that case J. Bayard would have to dig up a new scheme. So we starts out
to look 'em up.
Accordin' to schedule we should have found 'em both waitin' for us at
the lawyer's, sittin' side by side and lookin' scared. But the boy that
shows us into the reception room says how Mrs. Hammond is in the private
office with the boss, and it looks like Sonny was late.
"I'll tell you," says I to J. Bayard. "You push in and interview Mother,
while I stick around out here and wait for the other half of the
sketch."
He agrees to that, and has disappeared behind the ground-glass door when
I discovers this slick-haired young gent sittin' at a desk over by the
window,--a buddin' law clerk, most likely. And by way of bein' sociable
I remarks casual that I hear how McGraw is puttin' Tesreau on the mound
again to-day against the Cubs.
That don't get much of a rise out of him. "Aw, rully!" says he.
"I expect you'll be hikin' out for the grandstand yourself pretty
quick?" I goes on.
"No," says he, shruggin' his shoulders annoyed. "I take no interest in
baseball; none whatever, I assure you."
"Excuse my mentionin' it, then," says I. "But just what is your
line,--croquet?"
"My favorite recreation," says he, "is dawncing." And with that he turns
away like he'd exhausted the subject.
But this gives me an idea. Maybe he could be hired to coach Royce.
"It's a thrillin' sport," says I. "And, by the way, there's a young chap
due to show up here soon. I wonder if you've seen him around
before,--young Hammond?"
"I beg pardon," says he, "but do you refer to Royce Hammond?"
"That's the guy," says I. "Kind of a husky young hick, eh?"
He stares at me cold and disapprovin'. "I am Royce Hammond!" says he.
You could have bought me for a yesterday's rain check. "Wha-a-at!" says
I, gawpin'. "You--you are----"
Say, come to look him over close, I might have known he was no
ten-a-week process server. He's costumed neat but expensive, and his
lily-white hands are manicured to the last notch. Nice lookin' youth he
is, with a good head on him and a fine pair of shoulders. And for
conversation he uses the kind of near-English accent you hear along the
Harvard Gold Coast. Cul-chaw? Why, it fairly dripped from Royce, like
moisture from the ice water tank on a hot day!
"Excuse," says I. "I'm Professor McCabe, and I was only----"
"Oh, yes," says he, sighin' weary, "I understand. Something absurd about
a will, isn't it? Mother is quite keen over it; and I wish she wouldn't,
you know."
"Eh?" says I, a bit dizzy from tryin' to follow him.
"Oh, I've no doubt you mean well enough," he goes on; "but we cawn't
accept favors from utter strangers--really, we cawn't. And besides, old
Gordon was such a rotter!"
To relieve his feelin's he lights a cigarette and gives me the shoulder
once more. I felt like I'd been slapped on the wrist and sent to stand
in the corner.
"Maybe you'd like my apology in writin'?" says I. "Just point out a real
dusty spot on the floor, and I'll grovel in it. But remember, Son, all
we laid out to do, in our humble way, was to give you a boost. So don't
be too hard on us."
He smiles patronizin' at that. "No offense intended, I'm suah," says he.
"I merely wished to make clear my own position in this ridiculous
affair. Of course, if Mother insists, I presume I must---- Bah Jove!
Here they are, though!"
And out through the door comes J. Bayard and the lawyer, escortin' a
stunnin'-built lady with her face half hid by veils. I'd been introduced
too, and was just handin' her a chair, when we got a good square look at
each other. So it was simultaneous. She gives a little gasp and
stiffens, and I expect I did some open-face work myself. I glances from
her to J. Bayard and stares foolish.
"Did you say Mrs. Hammond?" says I.
"Of course, McCabe," says he sort of peevish. "You know I explained
beforehand."
"Yes," says I; "but--but----"
Then the lady steps to the front herself, her chin up and her lips
pressed tight. "Professor McCabe and I have met before," says she,
"under--well, under different circumstances. That is all. And now, Mr.
Steele, you spoke of securing an invitation for my son and myself to an
important social affair. At just whose house, please?"
"Why," says J. Bayard, "at Mr. Twombley-Crane's."
She don't wince. Near as I could tell she don't make a move, and a
second later she's turned to me with a sketchy sort of a smile. "I think
I may trust you to explain to Mr. Steele later on," says she, "how
impossible it would be for me to accept such an invitation."
I nods, still gawpin' at her. You'd most thought that would have been
hint enough for J. Bayard; but he's such a fathead at times, and he's so
strong for carryin' through any proposition of his own, that it don't
get to him.
"But, my dear lady," says he, "such an opportunity! Why, the
Twombley-Cranes, you know, are----"
"Ah, ditch it, J. B.!" I cuts in, and shakes my head menacin'.
The lady smiles grateful and lifts one hand. "It's no use," says she.
"I've given up. And you might as well know the whole story at once;
Royce too. I didn't mean that he should ever know; but I see now that he
is bound to hear it sooner or later. Professor McCabe, you tell them."
It's some attentive audience I faced too; J. Bayard starin' puzzled, the
lawyer with his eyes squinted hard at her, and young Royce growin' pale
around the gills. It was that look of his that hurried me on.
"Why, it ain't so much," says I; "only when I knew you you was
housekeeper at the Twombley-Cranes, wa'n't you?"
"Mother!" says the young gent choky, jumpin' to his feet.
"I was," says she. "That was four years ago, when Royce was a freshman.
Very glad I was to get the position too, and not a little pleased that I
was able to fill it. Why? Because it gave me a chance to learn there the
things I wanted to know; the things I needed to know, Royce, as your
mother."
But he only gazes at her blank and shocked.
"Can't you understand, Royce?" she goes on pleadin'. "You know how we
have moved from place to place; how at times my cards have read 'Mrs.
James R. Hammond,' then 'Mrs. J. Royce Hammond,' and finally 'Mrs. Royce
Hammond'? But it was all useless. Always someone came who knew, and
after that--well, I was just the widow of Hungry Jim Hammond.
"Not that I cared for myself. I was never ashamed of Hungry Jim while he
lived. He was a real man, Jim Hammond was, honest and kind and brave.
And if he was crude and rough, it was only because he'd lived that way,
because he'd had to. He let them call him Hungry Jim too. No one ever
knew him to resent it. But it hurt, just the same. He tried to live it
down, there in Denver, tried to be refined and polite; but those years
in the desert couldn't be wiped out so easily. He was Hungry Jim to the
last.
"He wanted his son to be different, though. 'Outfit him to travel with
the best, Annie,' he used to say to me during those last days, 'and see
that he gets on a polish. Promise, now!' I promised. And I've done as
well as I could. I've lived for that. But I soon found that real
refinement was something you couldn't order at the store. I found that
before I could get it for Royce I must have at least a speaking
acquaintance with it myself.
"That meant associating with nice people. But nice people didn't care to
mix with Mrs. Jim Hammond. I didn't blame them for shutting their front
doors to me. I had to get in, though. So I slipped in by the back
way--as housekeeper. I kept my eyes and ears open. I picked up their
little tricks of speech and manner, their ways of doing things. I toned
my voice down, schooled myself, until I knew the things that Royce ought
to know. It wasn't easy, especially the giving him up during his
holidays and sending him off with his college friends, when I wanted him
to be with me. Oh, how much I did miss him those two summers! But I had
promised Jim, and--and--well, I think I've made of Royce what he wanted
me to make of him."
Somehow or other, as she stops, we all turns towards young Hammond. His
face ain't pale any more. It's well pinked up.
"By Jove!" says J. Bayard enthusiastic. "But that's what I call real
pluck, Mrs. Hammond. And your son does you credit too. So what if the
Twombley-Cranes might remember you as a former housekeeper? They don't
know the young man, needn't know just who he is. Why not accept for him?
Why not give him a chance? What do you say, McCabe?"
"Sure!" says I. "I'm backin' him to qualify."
"It might mean," goes on J. Bayard insinuatin', "an opportunity
to--well, to meet the right girl, you know."
Mrs. Hammond draws in her breath sharp and clasps her hands tight. I
could see the picture she was watchin' on the screen,--Royce and a real
swell young lady plutess trippin' towards the altar; maybe a crest on
the fam'ly note paper.
"Oh!" says she. "And he should have the chance, shouldn't he? Well then,
he must go. And you can just leave me out."
That seemed to settle it, and we was all takin' a deep breath, when
Royce steps to the center of the stage. He puts his arm gentle around
Mrs. Hammond and pats her on the shoulder.
"Sorry, Mother," says he, "but I'm going to do nothing of the sort.
You're an old dear, and the best mother a boy ever had. I never knew how
much you had given up for me, never dreamed. But from now on it's going
to be different. It's my turn now!"
"But--but, Royce," protests Mrs. Hammond, "you--you don't quite
understand. We can't go on living as we have. Our income isn't so much
as it was once, and----"
"I know," said Royce. "I had a talk with your attorney last week. It's
the fault of that Honduras rubber plantation, where most of our funds
are tied up. That Alvarez, your rascally Spanish superintendent, has
been robbing you right and left. Well, I'm going to put a stop to that."
"You, Royce!" says Mother.
"Yes," says he quiet but earnest, "I'm going down there and fire him.
I'm going to run the plantation myself for awhile."
"Why, Royce!" gasps Mrs. Hammond.
He smiles and pats her on the shoulder again. "I know," he goes on. "I
seem useless enough. I've been trained to shine at dinner parties, and
balls, and _thés dansants_. I suppose I can too. And I've learned to
sound my final G's, and to use the right forks, and how to make a
parting speech to my hostess. So you've kept your promise to Father. But
I've been thinking it all over lately. That isn't the sort of person I
want to be. You say Father was a real man. I want to be a real man too.
I mean to try, anyway. This little affair with Alvarez ought to test
me. They say he's rather a bad one, that he can't be fired. We'll see
about that. There's a steamer for Belize next Thursday. I'm going to
sail on her. Will you go along too?"
For a minute they stood there, Mother and Sonny boy, gazin' into each
other's eyes without sayin' a word; and then--well, we turns our backs
as they goes to a clinch and Mother turns on the sprinkler.
But J. Bayard's programme for helpin' Royce break into the younger set
is bugged for fair. Instead we've dug up an expert in rubber farmin' and
are preparin' to send him down as first assistant to the classiest
plantation manager that ever started for Honduras. Mrs. Hammond
announces that she's goin' too.
"There's good stuff in that young chap," says J. Bayard. "He isn't the
son of Hungry Jim for nothing. I'll bet he wins out!"
"Win or lose," says I, "he's ducked bein' a parlor rat for life, which
is something."