Milk is most commonly adulterated with cold water; and many are the

jokes on the milkmen about their best cow being choked etc., by a turnip

in the pump-spout--their "cow with the wooden tail" (_i. e._, the

pump-handle,) and so on. Awful stories are told about the London

milkmen, who are said to manufacture a fearful kind of medicine to be

sold as milk, the cream being made of a quantity of calf's brain beaten

to a slime. Stories are told around New York, too, of a mysterious

powder sold by druggists, which with water makes milk; but it is milk

that must be used quickly, or it turns into a curious mess. But the

worst adulteration of milk is to adulterate the old cow herself; as is

done in the swill-milk establishments which received such an exposure a

few years ago in a city paper. This milk is still furnished; and many a

poor little baby is daily suffering convulsions from its effects. So

difficult is it to find real milk for babies in the city, that

physicians often prescribe the use of what is called "condensed" milk

instead; which, though very different from milk not evaporated, is at

least made of the genuine article. A series of careful experiments to

develop the milk-humbug was made by a competent physician in Boston

within a few years, but he found the milk there (aside from swill-milk)

adulterated with nothing worse than water, salt, and burnt sugar.

Tea is bejuggled first by John Chinaman, who is a very cunning rascal;

and second, by the seller here. Green and black tea are made from the

same plant, but by different processes--the green being most expensive.

To meet the increased demand for green tea, Master John takes immense

quantities of black tea and "paints" it, by stirring into it over a fire

a fine powder of plaster Paris and Prussian-blue, at the rate of half a

pound to each hundred pounds of tea. John also sometimes takes a very

cheap kind, and puts on a nice gloss by stirring it in gum-water, with

some stove-polish in it. We may imagine ourselves, after drinking this

kind of tea, with a beautiful black gloss on our insides. John moreover,

manufactures vast quantities of what he plainly calls "Lie-tea." This

is dust and refuse of tea-leaves and other leaves, made up with dust and

starch or gum into little lumps, and used to adulterate better tea.

Seven hundred and fifty thousand pounds of this nice stuff were imported

into England in one period of eighteen months. It seems to be used in

New-York only for green tea.

Coffee is adulterated with chicory-root (which costs only about

one-third as much)--dandelion-root, peas, beans, mangold-wurzel, wheat,

rye, acorns, carrots, parsnips, horse-chestnuts, and sometimes with

livers of horses and cattle! All these things are roasted or baked to

the proper color and consistency, and then mixed in. No great sympathy

need be expended on those who suffer from this particular humbug,

however; for when it is so easy to buy the real berry, and roast or at

least grind it one's self, it is our own fault if our laziness leaves us

to eat all those sorts of stuff.

Cocoa is "extended" with sugar, starch, flour, iron-rust, Venetian-red,

grease, and various earths. But it is believed by pretty good authority

that the American-made preparations of cocoa are nearly or quite pure.

Even if they are not the whole bean can be used instead.

Butter and lard have one tenth, and sometimes even one-quarter, of water

mixed up in them. It is easy to find this out by melting a sample before

the fire and putting it away to cool, when the humbug appears by the

grease going up, and the water, perhaps turbid with whey, settling

below.

Honey is humbugged with sugar or molasses. Sugar is not often sanded as

the old stories have it. Fine white sugar is sometimes floured pretty

well; and brown sugar is sometimes made of a portion of good sugar with

a cheaper kind mixed in. Inferior brown sugars are often full of a

certain crab-like animalcule or minute bug, often visible without a

microscope, in water where the sugar is dissolved. It is believed that

this pleasing insect sometimes gets into the skin, and produces a kind

of itch. I do not believe there is much danger of adulteration in good

loaf or crushed white sugar, or good granulated or brown sugar.

Pepper is mixed with fine dust, dirt, linseed-meal, ground rice, or

mustard and wheat-flour; ginger, with wheat flour colored by turmeric

and reinforced by cayenne. Cinnamon is sometimes not present at all in

what is so called--the stuff being the inferior and cheaper cassia bark;

sometimes it is only part cassia; sometimes the humbug part of it is

flour and ochre. Cayenne-pepper is mixed with corn-meal and salt,

Venetian-red, mustard, brickdust, fine sawdust, and red-lead. Mustard

with flour and turmeric. Confectionery is often poisoned with

Prussian-blue, Antwerp-blue, gamboge, ultramarine, chrome yellow,

red-lead, white-lead, vermilion, Brunswick-green, and Scheele's green,

or arsenite of copper! Never buy any confectionery that is colored or

painted. Vinegar is made of whisky, or of oil of vitriol. Pickles have

verdigris in them to make them a pretty green. "Pretty green" he must be

who will eat bought pickles! Preserved fruits often have verdigris in

them, too.

An awful list! Imagine a meal of such bewitched food, where the actual

articles are named. "Take some of the alum bread." "Have a cup of

pea-soup and chicory-coffee?" "I'll trouble you for the oil-of-vitriol,

if you please." "Have some sawdust on your meat, or do you prefer this

flour and turmeric mustard?" "A piece of this verdigris-preserve

gooseberry pie, Madam?" "Won't you put a few more sugar-bugs in your

ash-leaf tea?" "Do you prefer black tea, or Prussian-blue tea?" "Do you

like your tea with swill-milk, or without?"

I have not left myself space to speak of the tricks played by the

druggists and the liquor-dealers; but I propose to devote another

chapter exclusively to the adulteration of liquors in this country. It

is a subject so fearful and so important that nothing less than a

chapter can do it justice. I must now end with a story or two and a

suggestion or two.

Old Colonel P. sold much whisky; and his manner was to sell by sample

out of a pure barrel over night, at a marvelous cheap rate, and then to

"rectify" before morning, under pretence of coopering and marking.

Certain persons having a grudge against the Colonel, once made an

arrangement with a carman, who executed their plan, thus:--He went to

the Colonel, and asked to see whisky. The jolly old fellow took him down

stairs and showed him a great cellar full. Carman samples a barrel.

"Fust rate, Colonel, how d'ye sell it?" Colonel names his price on the

rectified basis. "Well, Colonel, how much yer got?" "So many

barrels--two or three hundred." "Colonel, here's your money. I'll take

the lot." "All right," says Colonel P.; "there's some coopering to be

done on it; some of the hoops and heads are a very little loose. You

shall have it all in the morning." "No, colonel, we'll roll it right out

this minnit! My trucks are up there, all ready." And, sure enough, he

had a string of a dozen or more brigaded in the street. The Colonel was

sadly dumbfounded; he turned several colors--red mostly--stammered, made

excuses. It was no go, the whisky was the customer's, and the game was

up. The humbugged old humbug finally "came down," and bought his man off

by paying him several hundred dollars.

There is a much older and better known story about a grocer who was a

deacon, and who was heard to call down stairs before breakfast, to his

clerk: "John, have you watered the rum?" "Yes, Sir." "And sanded the

sugar?" "Yes, Sir." "And dusted the pepper?" "Yes, Sir." "And chicoried

the coffee?" "Yes, Sir." "Then come up to prayers." Let us hope that the

grocers of the present day, while they adulterate less, do not pray

less.

Between 1851 and 1854, Mr. Wakley of the "London Lancet" gave an awful

roasting to the adulteration-interest in London. He employed an able

analyzer, who began by going about without telling what he was at; and

buying a great number of samples of all kinds of food, drugs, etc., at a

great number of shops. Then he analyzed them; and when he found humbug

in any sample, he published the facts, and the seller's name and place

of business. It may be imagined what a terrible row this kicked up. Very

numerous and violent threats were made; but the "Lancet," was never once

sued by any of the aggrieved, for it had told the truth.

Perhaps some discouraged reader may ask, What can I eat? Well, I don't

pretend to direct people's diet. Ask your doctor, if you can't find out.

But I will suggest that there are a few things that can't be

adulterated. You can't adulterate an egg, nor an oyster, nor an apple,

nor a potato, nor a salt codfish; and if they are spoiled they will

notify you themselves! and when good, they are all good healthy food. In

short, one good safeguard is, to use, as far as you can, things with

their life in them when you buy them, whether vegetable or animal. The

next best rule against these adulteration-humbugs is, to buy goods crude

instead of manufactured; coffee, and pepper, and spices, etc., whole

instead of ground, for instance. Thus, though you give more work, you

buy purity with it. And lastly, there are various chemical processes,

and the microscope, to detect adulterations; and milk, in particular,

may always be tested by a lactometer,--a simple little instrument which

the milkmen use, which costs a few shillings, and which tells the story

in an instant. It is a glass bulb, with a stem above and a scale on it,

and a weight below. In good average milk, at sixty degrees of heat, the

lactometer floats at twenty on its scale; and in poorer milk, at from

that figure down. If it floats at fifteen, the milk is one-fourth water;

if at ten, one half.

It would be a wonderful thing for mankind if some philosophic Yankee

would contrive some kind of "ometer" that would measure the infusion of

humbug in anything. A "Humbugometer" he might call it. I would warrant

him a good sale.

CHAPTER XIX.

ADULTERATIONS IN DRINKS.--RIDING HOME ON YOUR WINE-BARREL.--LIST OF

THINGS TO MAKE RUM.--THINGS TO COLOR IT WITH.--CANAL-BOAT HASH.--ENGLISH

ADULTERATION LAW.--EFFECTS OF DRUGS USED.--HOW TO USE THEM.--BUYING

LIQUORS UNDER THE CUSTOM-HOUSE LOCK.--A HOMOEOPATHIC DOSE.

As long as the people of the United States tipple down rum and other

liquors at the rate of a good deal more than one hundred million gallons

a year, besides what is imported and what is called imported--as long as

they pay for their tippling a good deal more than fifty millions, and

probably over a hundred millions of dollars a year--so long it will be a

great object to manufacture false liquors, and sell them at the price of

true ones. When liquor of good quality costs from four to fifteen

dollars a gallon, and an imitation can be had that tastes just as good,

and has just as much "jizm" in it,--and probably a good deal more,--for

from twenty-five cents to one dollar a gallon, somebody will surely make

and sell that imitation.

Adulterating and imitating liquors is a very large business; and I don't

know of anybody who will deny that this particular humbug is very

extensively cultivated. There are a great many people, however, who will

talk about it as they do in Western towns about fever and ague: "We

don't do anything of the kind here, but those other people over there

do!"

There is very little pure liquor, either malt or spirituous, to be

obtained in any way. The more you pay for it, as a rule, the more the

publican gains, but what you drink is none the purer. Importing don't

help you. Port is--or used to be, for very little is now made,

comparatively--imitated in immense quantities at Oporto; and in the

log-wood trade, the European wine-makers competed with the dyers. It is

a London proverb, that if you want genuine port-wine, you have got to go

to Oporto and make your own wine, and then ride on the barrel all the

way home. It is perhaps possible to get pure wine in France by buying it

at the vineyard; but if any dealer has had it, give up the idea!

As for what is done this side of the water, now for it. I do not rely

upon the old work of Mr. "Death-in-the-pot Accum," printed some thirty

years ago, in England. My statements come mostly from a New York book

put forth within a few years by a New York man, whose name is now in the

Directory, and whose business is said to consist to a great extent in

furnishing one kind or another of the queer stuff he talks about, to

brewers, or distillers, or wine and brandy merchants.

This gentleman, in a sweet alphabetical miscellany of drugs, herbs,

minerals, and groceries commonly used in manufacturing our best Old

Bourbon whisky, Swan gin, Madeira wine, pale ale, London brown stout,

Heidsieck, Clicquot, Lafitte, and other nice drinks; names the chief of

such ingredients as follows:

Aloes, alum, calamus (flag-root) capsicum, cocculus indicus, copperas,

coriander-seed, gentian-root, ginger, grains-of-paradise, honey,

liquorice, logwood, molasses, onions, opium, orange-peel, quassia, salt,

stramonium-seed (deadly nightshade), sugar of lead, sulphite of soda,

sulphuric acid, tobacco, turpentine, vitriol, yarrow. I have left

strychnine out of the list, as some persons have doubts about this

poison ever being used in adulterating liquors. A wholesale

liquor-dealer in New York city, however, assures me that more than

one-half the so-called whisky is poisoned with it.

Besides these twenty-seven kinds of rum, here come twenty-three more

articles, used to put the right color to it when it is made; by making a

soup of one or another, and stirring it in at the right time. I alphabet

these, too: alkanet-root, annatto, barwood, blackberry, blue-vitriol,

brazil-wood, burnt sugar, cochineal, elderberry, garancine (an extract

of madder), indigo, Nicaragua-wood, orchil, pokeberry, potash,

quercitron, red beet, red cabbage, red carrots, saffron, sanders-wood,

turmeric, whortleberry.

In all, in both lists, just fifty. There are more, however. But that's

enough. Now then, my friend, what did you drink this morning? You called

it Bourbon, or Cognac, or Old Otard, very likely, but what was it? The

"glorious uncertainty" of drinking liquor under these circumstances is

enough to make a man's head swim without his getting drunk at all. There

might, perhaps, be found a consolation like that of the Western

traveller about the hash. "When I travel in a canal-boat or steam-boat,"

quoth this brave and stout-stomached man, "I always eat the hash,

because then I know what I've got!"

It was a good many years ago that the Parliament of England found it

necessary to make a law to prevent sophisticating malt liquors. Here is

the list of things they forbid to put into beer: "molasses, honey,

liquorice, vitriol, quassia, cocculus indicus, grains-of-paradise,

Guinea-pepper, opium." The penalty was one thousand dollars fine on the

brewer, and two thousand five hundred dollars on the druggist who

supplied him.

I know of no such law in this country. The theory of our government

leaves people to take care of themselves as much as possible. But now

let us see what some of these fifty ingredients will do. Beets and

carrots, honey and liquorice, orange-peel and molasses, will not do much

harm; though I should think tipplers would prefer them as the customer

at the eating-house preferred his flies, "on a separate plate." But the

case is different with cocculus indicus, and stramonium, and sulphuric

acid, and sugar of lead, and the like. I take the following accounts, so

far as they are medical, from a standard work by Dr. Dunglison:--Aloes

is a cathartic. Cocculus indicus contains picrotoxin, which is an "acrid

narcotic poison;" from five to ten grains will kill a strong dog. The

boys often call it "cockle-cinders;" they pound it and mix it in dough,

and throw it into the water to catch fish. The poor fish eat it, soon

become delirious, whirling and dancing furiously about on the top of the

water, and then die. Copperas tends to produce nausea, vomiting,

griping, and purging. Grains-of-paradise, a large kind of cardamom, is

"strongly heating and carminative" (_i. e._, anti-flatulent and

anti-spasmodic.) Opium is known well enough. Stramonium-seed would seem

to have been made on purpose for the liquor business. In moderate doses

it is a powerful narcotic, producing vertigo, headache, dimness or

perversion of vision (_i. e._, seeing double) and confusion of thought.

(N. B. What else does liquor do?) In larger doses (still like liquor,)

you obtain these symptoms aggravated; and then a delirium, sometimes

whimsical (snakes in your boots) and sometimes furious, a stupor,

convulsions, and death. A fine drink this stramonium? Sugar of lead is

what is called a cumulative poison; having the quality of remaining in

the system when taken in small quantities, and piling itself up, as it

were, until there is enough to accomplish something, when it causes

debility, paralysis, and other things. Sulphuric acid is strongly

corrosive,--a powerful caustic, attacking the teeth, even when very

dilute; eating up flesh and bones alike when strong enough; and, if

taken in a large enough dose, an awfully tearing and agonizing fatal

poison.

The way to use these delectable nutriments is in part as follows:--Stir

a little sulphuric acid into your beer. This will give you a fine "old

ale" in about a quarter of a minute. Take a mixture of alum, salt, and

copperas, ground fine, and stir into your beer, and this will make it

froth handsomely. Cocculus indicus, tobacco-leaves, and stramonium,

cooked in the beer, etc., give it force. Potash is sometimes stirred

into wine to correct acidity. Sulphite of soda is now very commonly

stirred into cider, to keep it from fermenting further. Sugar of lead is

stirred into wines to make them clear, and to keep them sweet. And so

on, through the whole long list.

It is a curious instance of people's quiet acknowledgment of their own

foolishness, that a popular form of the invitation to take a drink is,

"Come and h'ist in some pizen!"

I know of no plan by which anybody can be sure of obtaining pure liquor

of any description. Some persons always purchase their wines and liquors

while they are under the custom-house lock and consequently before they

have reached the hands of the importer. Yet there are scores of men in

New York and Philadelphia who have made large fortunes by sending whisky

to France, there refining, coloring, flavoring, and doctoring it, then

re-shipping it to New York as French brandy, paying the duty, and

selling it before it has left the custom-house! There is a locality in

France where a certain brand of wine is made. It is adulterated with

red-lead, and every year more or less of the inhabitants of that

locality are attacked with "lead-colic," caused by drinking this

poisoned wine right at the fountain-head where it is made. There is more

bogus champagne drank in any one year, in the city of Paris alone, than

there is genuine champagne made in any one year in the world. America

ordinarily consumes more so-called champagne annually than is made in

the world, and yet nearly all the genuine champagne in the world is

taken by the courts of Europe. The genuine Hock wine made at

Johannisberg on the Rhine is worth three dollars per bottle by the large

quantity, and nearly all of it is shipped to Russia; yet, at any of the

hotels in the village of Johannisberg, within half a mile from the

wine-presses of the pure article, you can be supplied for a dollar per

bottle with what purports to be the genuine Hock wine. Since chemistry

has enabled liquor dealers to manufacture any description of wine or

liquor for twenty-five cents to a dollar a gallon, there are annually

made and sold thousands of gallons of wine and brandy that never smelt a

grape.

Suppose a wholesale liquor-merchant imports genuine brandy. He usually

"rectifies" and adulterates it by adding eighty-five gallons of pure

spirits (refined whisky,) to fifteen gallons of brandy, to give it a

flavor; then colors and "doctors" it, and it is ready for sale. Suppose

an Albany wholesale-dealer purchases, for pure brandy, ten pipes of this

adulterated brandy from a New York importer. The Albany man immediately

doubles his stock by adding an equal quantity of pure spirits. There are

then seven and a half gallons of brandy in a hundred. A Buffalo

liquor-dealer buys from the Albany man, and he in turn adds one-half

pure spirits. The Chicago dealer buys from the Buffalo dealer, and as

nearly all spirit-dealers keep large quantities of pure spirits on hand,

and know how to use it, he again doubles the quantity of his brandy by

adding pure spirits; and the Milwaukee liquor-dealer does the same,

after purchasing from the Chicago man. So, in the ordinary course of

liquor transactions, by the time a hundred gallon pipe of pure brandy

reaches Wisconsin, at a cost of five or perhaps ten dollars per gallon,

ninety-nine gallons and one pint of it is the identical whisky that was

shipped from Wisconsin the same year at fifty cents per gallon. Truly a

homoeopathic dose of genuine brandy! And even that whisky when it left

Wisconsin was only half whisky; for there are men in the whisky-making

States who make it a business to take whisky direct from the distillery,

add to it an equal quantity of water, and then bring it up to a bead and

the power of intoxication, by mixing in a variety of the villainous

drugs and deadly poisons enumerated in this chapter. The annual loss of

strength, health, and life caused by the adulteration of liquor is truly

appalling. Those who have not examined the subject can form no just

estimate of the atrocious and extensive effects of this murderous

humbug.

CHAPTER XX.

THE PETER FUNKS AND THEIR FUNCTIONS.--THE RURAL DIVINE AND THE

WATCH.--RISE AND PROGRESS OF MOCK AUCTIONS.--THEIR DECLINE AND FALL.

Not many years ago, a dignified and reverend man, whose name is well

known to me, was walking sedately down Broadway. He was dressed in

clerical garb of black garments and white neckcloth. He was a man of

great learning, profound thought, long experience, unaffected piety, and

pure and high reputation.

All at once, a kind of chattering shout smote him fair in the left ear:

"Narfnarfnarf! Three shall I have? Narfnarfnarfnarfnarf! Going at two

and a half! Gone!!"

And the grave divine, pausing, beheld a doorway, over which waved a

little red flag. Within, a company of eager bidders thronged around an

auctioneer's stand; and the auctioneer himself, a well-dressed man with

a highly respectable look, was just handing over to the delighted

purchaser a gold watch.

"It would be cheap at one hundred dollars," said he, in a despondent

tone. "It's mere robbery to sell it for that price. I'd buy it myself if

'twas legal."

And while the others, with exclamations of surprise and congratulation,

crowded to see this famous purchase, and the buyer exhibited it with a

joyful countenance close by the door, the divine, just out of curiosity,

stepped in. He owned no watch; he was a country clergyman, and poor in

this world's goods; so poor that, to use a familiar phrase, "if

steamboats were selling at a dime a piece, he would hardly be able to

buy a gang-plank." But what if he could, by good luck, buy a good gold

watch for two dollars and a half in this wonderful city!

Somehow, that watch was snapped open and closed again right under his

ministerial nose about six times. The auctioneer held up another of

exactly the same kind, and began to chatter again.

"Now gentlemen, what 'moffered f'this first-class M. I. Tobias gold

English lever watch--full jeweled, compensation-balance,

anchor-escapement, hunting case? One, did I hear? Say two cents, wont

yer? Two and a half! narfnarfnarfnarfnarf and a half! Two and a half,

and three quarters. Thank you, Sir," to a sailor-like man in the corner.

"Three," said a tall and well-dressed young gentleman with short hair,

near the clergyman, adding, in an undertone, "I can sell it for fifty

this afternoon."

"Three I am offered," says Mr. Auctioneer, and chattered on as before:

"And a half, did you say, Sir? Thank you, Sir. And a halfnarfnarf!"

The reverend divine had said, "And a half." The Peter Funks had got him!

But he didn't find it out quite yet. The bidding was run up to four

dollars; the clergyman took the watch, opened and examined it; was

convinced, handed it back, ventured another half, and the watch was

knocked down to him. The auctioneer fumbled in some papers, and, in a

moment, handed him his bargain neatly done up.

"This way to the clerk's office if you please, Sir," he added, with a

civil bow. The clergyman passed a little further in; and while the sales

proceeded behind him, the clerk made out a bill and proffered it.

"Fifty-four dollars and a half!" read the country divine, astounded.

"Four and a half is what I bid!"

"Four and a half!" exclaimed the clerk, with sarcastic indignation;

"Four dollars and a half! A pretty story! A minister to have the face to

say he could buy an M. I. Tobias gold watch, full jeweled, for four

dollars and a half! Ill thank you for the money, Sir. Fifty-four, fifty,

if you please."

The auctioneer, as if interrupted by the loud tones of the indignant

clerk, stopped the sale to see what was the matter. On hearing the

statement of the two parties, he cast a glance of angry contempt upon

the poor clergyman, who, by this time, was uneasy enough at their

scowling faces. Then, as if relenting, he said half-sneeringly:

"I don't think you look very well in this business, Sir. But you are

evidently a clergyman, and we wish everybody to have fair treatment in

this office. We won't be imposed upon, Sir, by any man!" (Here his face

darkened, and his fists could be seen to clench with much meaning.) "Pay

that money, Sir! This establishment is not to be humbugged. But you

needn't be afraid of losing anything. You may let me take the watch and

sell it for you again on the spot. Very likely you can get more for it.

You can't lose. The clergyman hesitated. The tall and well-dressed young

man with short hair pushed up and said:

"Don't want it? Put her up again. G--! I'd like another chance myself!"

A heavily-built fellow with one eye, observed over the auctioneer's

shoulder, with an evil look at the divine, "D--d if I don't believe that

cuss is a gambler, come in here to fool us country-folks. They allus

wears white neckcloths. I say, search him and boot him out of the shop!"

"Hold your tongue!" answered the auctioneer, with dignity. "I will see

you safe, Sir," to the clergyman. "But you bid that money, and you must

pay it. We can't do this business on any other principles."

"You will sell it for me again at once?" asked the poor minister.

"Certainly," said the mollified auctioneer. And the humbugged divine,

with an indistinct sense of something wrong, but not able to tell what,

took out forty dollars from his lean wallet and handed it to the clerk.

"It's all I have to get home with," he said, simply.

"Never fear, old gentleman," said the clerk, affably; "You'll be all

right in two minutes."

The watch was put up again. The clergyman, scarce able to believe his

ears, heard it rapidly run up to sixty dollars and knocked down at that

price. The cash was handed to the clerk, and another bill made out; ten

per cent., deducted, commission on sales. "Usual terms, Sir," observed

the clerk, handing over the notes just received for the watch. And the

divine, very thankful to get off for half a dollar, hurried off as fast

as he could.

I need not say that his fifty-four dollars was all counterfeit money.

When he went next morning, after endeavoring in vain to part with his

new funds, to find the place where he had been humbugged, it was close

shut, and he could hardly identify even the doorway. He went to the

police, and the shrewd captain told him that it was a difficult

business; but sent an officer with him to look up the rascals. Officer

found one; demanded redress; clergyman did the same. Rascal asked

clergyman's name; got it; told him he could prosecute if he liked.

Clergyman looked at officer; officer, with indifference, observed:

"Means to stick your name in the papers."

Clergyman said he would take further advice; did take it; thought he

wouldn't be shown up as a "greeny" in the police reports; borrowed money

enough to get home with, and if he has a gold watch now--which I really

hope he has--got it either for its real value, or as a "testimonial."

There, that (with many variations) is the whole story of Peter Funk.

These "mock auctioneers," sometimes, as in the case I have mentioned,

take advantage of the respectability of their victims, sometimes of

their haste to leave the city on business. When they could not possibly

avoid it, they disgorged their prey. No instance is known to me of any

legal penalty being inflicted on them by a magistrate; but they were

always, until 1862, treated by police, by magistrate, and by mayor, just

as thieves would be who should always be let off on returning their

stealings; so that they could not lose by thieving, and might gain.

These rascally mock-auctioneers, thus protected by the authorities, used

to fleece the public out of not less than sixty thousand dollars a year.

One of them cleared twelve thousand dollars during the year 1861 alone.

And this totally shameless and brazen-faced humbug flourished in New

York for twenty-five years!

About the first day of June, 1862, the Peter Funks had eleven dens, or

traps, in operation in New York; five in Broadway below Fulton street,

and the others in Park row, and Courtlandt, Greenwich, and Chatham

streets.

The name, Peter Funk, is said to have been that of the founder of their

system; but I know nothing more of his career. At this date, in 1862,

the system was in a high state of organization and success, and included

the following constituents:

1. Eight chief Funks, or capitalists, and managers, whose names are well

enough known. I have them on record.

2. About as many more salesmen, who took turns with the chiefs in

selling and clerking.

3. Seventy or eighty, rank and file, or ropers-in. These acted the part

of buyers, like the purchaser whose delight over his watch helped to

deceive the minister and the other bidders on that occasion. These

fellows dressed up as countrymen, sailors, and persons of miscellaneous

respectability. They bid and talked when that was sufficient, or helped

the managers thrash any troublesome person, if necessary. Once in a long

time they met their match; as, for instance, when the mate of a ship

brought up a squad of his crew, burst into one of their dens, and beat

and battered up the whole gang within an inch of their lives. But, in

most cases, the reckless infamy of these dregs of city vice gave them an

immense advantage over a decent citizen; for they could not be defiled

nor made ridiculous, and he could.

4. Two or three traders in cheap jewelry and fancy-goods supplied the

Funks with their wares. One of these fellows used to sell them fifty or

a hundred dollars' worth of this trash a day; and he lamented as much

over their untimely end as the Ephesian silversmiths did over the loss

of their trade in shrines.

5. A lawyer received a regular salary of $1,200 a year to defend all the

Funk cases.

6. The city politicians, in office and out of it, who were wont to

receive the aid of the Funks (a very energetic cohort) at elections, and

who in return unscrupulously used both power and influence to keep them

from punishment.

All this cunning machinery was brought to naught and New York relieved

of a shame and a pest by the courage, energy, perseverance, and good

sense of one Yankee officer--Russell Wells, a policeman. Mr. Wells took

about six months to finish up his work. He began it of his own accord,

finding that the spirit of the police regulations required it;

prosecuted the undertaking without fear or favor, finding not very much

support from the judicial authorities, and sometimes actual and direct

discouragement. His method was to mount guard over one auction shop at a

time, and warn all whom he saw going in, and to follow up all complaints

to the utmost until that shop was closed, when he laid siege to another.

Various offers of money, direct and indirect, were made him. One fellow

offered him $500 to walk on the other side of the street. Another

offered him $1,000 to drop the undertaking. Another hinted at a regular

salary of hush-money, saying "he had now got these fellows where he

could make as much out of them as he wanted to, right along."

Sometimes they threatened him with "murder and sudden death." Several

times they got out an injunction upon him, and several times sued him

for slander. One of their complaints charged, with ludicrous hypocrisy,

that the defendant, "with malicious intent, stood round the door

uttering slanderous charges against the good name, fame, and credit of

the defendant," just as foolish old lawyers used to argue that "the

greater the truth the greater the libel." Sometimes they argued and

indignantly denounced. One of them told him, "he was a thief and a

murderer, driving men out of employment whose wives and children

depended on their business for support."

Another contended that their business was just as fair as that of the

stock-operators in Wall street. I fear that wasn't making out much of a

case.

But their threats were idle; their suits, and prosecutions, and

injunctions, never came to a head; their bribes did not operate. The

officer, imperturbably good-natured, but horribly diligent, watched, and

warned, and hunted, and complained, and squeezed back their money at the

rate of $500 or $1,000 every month, until they were perfectly sickened.

One by one they shut up shop. One went to his farm, another to his

merchandise, another to emigrant running, another (known by the elegant

surname of Blur-eye Thompson) to raising recruits, several into the

bounty jumping business.

Such was the life and death of an outrageous humbug and nuisance, whose

like was not to be found in any other city on earth; and would not have

been endured in any except this careless, money-getting, misgoverned one

of New York.

CHAPTER XXI.

LOTTERY SHARKS.--BOULT AND HIS BROTHERS.--KENNETH, KIMBALL AND

COMPANY.--A MORE CENTRAL LOCATION WANTED FOR BUSINESS.--TWO

SEVENTEENTHLIES.--STRANGE COINCIDENCE.

I have before me a mass of letters, printed and lithographed circulars,

and the like, which illustrate well two or three of the most foolish and

vicious swindles [it is wrong to call them humbugs] now extant. They

also prove that there are a good many more fools alive in our Great

Republic than some of us would like to admit.

These letters and papers are signed, respectively, by the following

names: Alexander Van Dusen; Thomas Boult & Co.; E. F. Mayo; Geo. P.

Harper; Browne, Sherman & Co.; Hammett & Co.; Charles A. Herbert; Geo.

C. Kenneth; T. Seymour & Co.; C. W. White, Purchasing Agency; C. J.

Darlington; B. H. Robb & Co.; James Conway; S. B. Goodrich; Egerton

Brothers; C. F. Miner; E. J. Kimball; E. A. Wilson; and J. T. Small.

All these productions, with one or two exceptions, are dated during the

last three months of 1864, and January 1865. They are mailed from a good

many different places, and addressed to respectable people in all

directions.

In particular, should be noticed, however, two lots of them.

The first lot are signed either by Thomas Boult & Co., Hammett & Co.,

Egerton Brothers, or T. Seymour & Co. When these four documents are

placed together, each with its inclosure, a story is told that seems

clear enough to explain itself to the greenest fool in the world.

These fellows--Boult and the rest of them, I mean--are lottery sharks.

Now, those who buy lottery tickets are very silly and credulous, or very

lazy, or both. They want to get money without earning it. This foolish

and vicious wish, however, betrays them into the hands of these lottery

sharks. I wish that each of these poor foolish, greedy creatures could

study on this set of letters awhile. Look at them. You see that the

lithographed handwriting in all four is in the same hand. You observe

that each of them incloses a printed hand-bill with "scheme," all

looking as like as so many peas. They refer, you see, to the same

"Havana scheme," the same "Shelby College Lottery," the same "managers,"

and the same place of drawing. Now, see what they say. Each knave tells

his fool his only object is to put said fool in possession of a handsome

prize, so that fool may run round and show the money, and rope in more

fools. What an ingenious way to make the fool think he will return value

for the prize! Each knave further says to his fool (I copy the words of

the knave from his lithograph letter:) "We are so certain that we know

how to select a lucky certificate, that if the one we select for you

does not, at the very least, draw a $5,000 prize, we will"--what? Pay

the money ourselves? Oh no. Knave does not offer to pay half of it.

"Will send you another package in one of our extra lotteries for

nothing!"

Observe how particularly every knave is to tell his fool to "give us the

name of the nearest bank," so that the draft for the prize-money can be

forwarded instantly.

And in return for all this kindness, what do Messrs. Boult and-so-forth

want? Why, almost nothing. "The ridiculously small sum," as Mr. Montague

Tigg observed to Mr. Pecksniff, of $10. You observe that Hammett & Co.,

in one circular, demand $20, for the same $5,000 prize. But the amount,

they would say, is too trifling to be so particular about!

I will suggest a form for answering these gentlemen. Let every one of

my readers who receives one of their circulars just copy and date and

sign, and send them the following:

"GENTLEMEN:--I thank you for your great kindness in wishing to make

me the possessor of a $5,000 prize in your truly rich and splendid

Royal Havana Lottery. I fully believe that you know, as you say,

all about how to get these prizes, and that you can make it a big

thing. But I cannot think of taking all that money from such kind

of people as you. I must insist upon your having half of it, and I

will not hear of any refusal, I therefore hereby authorize you to

invest for me the trifle of $10, which you mention; and when the

prize is drawn, to put half of it, and $10 over, right into your

own benevolent pantaloons-pocket, and to remit the other half to

me, addressed as follows: (Here give the name of the "nearest

bank.")

"I have not the least fear that you will cheat me out of my half;

and, as you see, I thus place myself confidently in your hands.

With many thanks for your great and undeserved kindness, I remain

your obliged and obedient servant. ETC., ETC."

My readers will observe that this mode of replying affords full swing to

the expansive charities of Boult and his brethren, and is a sure method

of saving the expenditure of $10, although Boult is to get that amount

back when the prize is drawn.

I charge nothing for these suggestions; but will not be so discourteous

as to refuse a moderate percentage on all amounts received in pursuance

of them from Brother Boult & Co.

Here is the second special lot of letters I spoke of. I lay them out on

my desk as before: There are six letters signed respectively by Kimball,

Goodrich, Darlington, Kenneth, Harper, and Herbert. Now notice, first

the form, and next the substance.

As to form--they are all written, not, lithographed; they are on paper

of the same make and size, and out of the same lot, as you observe by

the manufacturer's stamp--a representation of the Capitol in the upper

corner. They are in the same hand, an easy legible business-hand, though

three of them are written with a backward slope. Those who sent them

have not sent me the envelopes with them, except in one case, so that I

cannot tell where they were mailed. Neither is any one of them dated

inside at any town or post-office. But, by a wonderful coincidence,

every one of them is dated at "No. 17 Merchants' Exchange." A busy mart

that No. 17 must be! And it is a still more curious coincidence that

every one of these six industrious chaps has been unable to find a

sufficiently central location for transacting his business. Every letter

you see, contains a printed slip advising of a removal, as follows:

"REMOVAL.--Desiring a more central location for transacting my business,

I have removed my office to No. 17 Merchants Exchange." Where? One says

to West Troy, New York; another to Patterson, New Jersey; another to

Bronxville, New York; another, to Salem, New-York, and so on! It is a

new thing to find how central all those places are. Undeveloped

metropolises seem to exist in every corner. Well, the slip ends with a

notice that in future letters must be directed to the new place.

Next, as to substance. The six letters all tell the same story. They

are each the second letter; the first one having been sent to the same

person, and having contained a lottery-ticket, as a gift of love or free

charity. This second letter is the one which is expected to "fetch." It

says in substance: "Your ticket has drawn a prize of $200,"--the letters

all name the same amount--"but you didn't pay for it; and therefore are

not entitled to it. Now send me $10 and I will cheat the lottery-man by

altering the post-mark of your letter so that the money shall seem to

have been sent before the lottery was drawn. This forgery will enable me

to get the $200, which I will send you."

How cunning that is! It is exactly calculated to hit the notions of a

vulgar, ignorant, lazy, greedy, and unprincipled bumpkin. Such a fellow

would see just far enough into the millstone to be tickled at the idea

of cheating those lottery fellows. And the knave ends his letter with

one more touch most delicately adapted to make Master Bumpkin feel

certain that his cash is coming. He says, "Be sure to show your prize to

all your friends, so as to make them buy tickets at my office."

Moreover, these letters inclose each a "report of the seventeenth

monthly drawing of the Cosmopolitan Art Union Association." You may

observe that one of these "seventeenth drawings" took place November 7

1864, and another December 5, 1864; so that seventeenthly came twice.

What is a far more remarkable coincidence is this; that in each of these

"reports" is a list of a hundred and thirty or forty numbers that drew

prizes, and it is exactly the same list each time, and the same prize

to each number! There is a third coincidence; that one of these two

drawings is said to have been at London, New York, and the other at

London, New Jersey. And lastly, there is a fourth coincidence, viz.,

that neither of these places exists.

Now, what a transparent swindle this is! how plain, how impudent, how

rascally! And all done entirely by the use of the Post Office privileges

of the United States. Try to catch this fellow. You can find where he

mailed his circular; but he probably stopped there over night to do so,

and nobody knew it. In each circular, he wrote to his dupes to address

him at that new "more central location" that he struggles after so hard;

and how is the pursuer to find it? Would anybody naturally go and watch

the Post Office at Bronxville, New York, for instance, as a particularly

central location for business?

Besides, no one person is cheated out of enough to make him follow up

the affair, and probably nobody who sends the cash wants to say much

about it afterward. He wants to wait and show the prize!

These dirty sharking traps will always be set, and will always catch

silly people, as long as there are any to catch. The only means of

stopping such trickery is to diffuse the conviction that the best way to

get a living is, to go to work like a man and earn it honestly.

CHAPTER XXII.

ANOTHER LOTTERY HUMBUG.--TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY RECIPES.--VILE

BOOKS.--"ADVANTAGE-CARDS."--A PACKAGE FOR YOU; PLEASE SEND THE

MONEY.--PEDDLING IN WESTERN NEW YORK.

The readiness with which people will send off their money to a swindler

is perfectly astounding. It does really seem as if an independent

fortune could be made simply by putting forth circulars and

advertisements, requesting the receiver to send five dollars to the

advertiser, and saying that "it will be all right."

I have already given an account of the way in which lottery dealers

operate. From among the same pile of documents which I used then, I have

selected a few others, as instances in part, of a class of humbugs

sometimes of a kind even far more noxious, and which show that their

devisers and patrons are not only sharpers or fools, but often also very

cold-blooded villains or very nasty ones. Some of them are managed by

printed circulars and written letters, such as those before me; some of

them by newspaper advertisements. Some are only to cheat you out of

money, and others offer in return for money some base gratification. But

whatever means are used, and whatever purpose is sought, they are all

alike in one thing--they depend entirely on the monstrous number of

simpletons who will send money to people they know nothing about.

Of the nasty ones, I can give no details. Vile books, pictures, etc.,

are from time to time advertised, sold, and forwarded, by circular, and

through the mails, and for large prices.

There have been some cases where a funny sort of swindle has been

effected by these peddlers of pruriency, by selling some dirty-minded

dupe a cheap good book, at the extravagant price of a dear bad one. More

than one foolish youth has received, instead of the vile thing that he

sent five dollars for, a nice little New Testament. It is obvious that

no very loud complaints are likely to be made about such cheating as

that. It is, perhaps, one of the safest swindles ever contrived.

The first document which I take from my pile is the announcement of a

fellow who operates lottery-wise. His scheme appeals at once to

benevolence and to greediness. He says: "The profits of the distribution

are to be given to the Sanitary Commission;" and secondly, "Every ticket

brings a prize of at least its full value, and some of them $5,000."

If, therefore you won't buy tickets for filthy lucre's sake, buy for the

sake of our soldiers.

"But," somebody says, "how can you afford this arrangement, which is a

direct loss of the whole cost of working your lottery, and moreover of

the whole value of all prizes costing more than a ticket?"

"Oh," replies our benevolent friend, "a number of manufacturers in New

England have asked me to do this, and the prizes are given by them as

friends of the soldier."

One observation will sufficiently show what an impudent mess of lies

this story is, namely;--If the manufacturers of New England wanted to

give money to the Sanitary Commission, they would give money; if goods,

they would give goods. They certainly would not put their gifts through

the additional roundabout, useless nonsense of a lottery, which is to

turn over only the same amount of funds to the Commission.

The next document is a circular sent from a Western town by a fellow who

claims also to be a master of arts, doctor of medicines, and doctor of

laws, but whose handwriting and language are those of a stable-boy. This

chap sends round a list of two hundred and fifty recipes at various

prices, from twenty-five cents to a dollar each. Send him the money for

any you wish, and he promises to return you the directions for making

the stuff. You are then to go about and peddle it, and swiftly become

independently rich. You can begin with a dollar, he says; in two days

make fifty dollars, and then sweep on in a grand career of affluence,

making from $75 to $200 a day, "if you are industrious." What is

petroleum to this? It is a mercy that we don't all turn to and peddle to

each other; we should all get too rich to speak!

The fellow, out of pure kindness and desire for your good, recommends

you to buy all his recipes, as then you will be sure to sell something

to everybody. Most of these recipes are for sufficiently harmless

purposes--shaving-soap, cement, inks--"five gallons of good ink for

fifteen cents"--tooth-powders, etc. Some of them are arrant nonsense;

such as "tea--better than the Chinese," which is as if he promised

something wetter than water; "to make thieves' vinegar;" "prismatic

diamond crystals for windows;" "to make yellow butter"--is the butter

blue where the man lives? Others are of a sort calculated to attract

foolish rustic rascals who would like to gain an easy living by

cheating, if they were only smart enough. Thus, there is "Rothschild's

great secret; or how to make common gold." My readers shall have a

better recipe than this swindler's--work hard, think hard, be honest,

and spend little--this will "make common gold," and this is all the

secret Rothschild ever had. A number of these recipes are barefaced

quackeries; such as cures for consumption, cancer, rheumatism, and

sundry other diseases; to make whiskers and mustaches grow--ah, boys,

you can't hurry up those things. Greasing your cheeks is just as good as

trying to whistle the hair out, but not a bit better. Don't hurry; you

will be old quite soon enough! But this fellow is ready for old fools as

well young ones, for he has recipes for curing baldness and removing

wrinkles. And last, but not least, quietly inserted among all these

fooleries and harmless humbugs, are two or three recipes which promise

the safe gratification of the basest vices. Those are what he really

hoped to get money for.

I have carefully refrained from giving any names or information which

would enable anybody to address any of these folks. I do not propose to

cooperate with them, if I know it.

The next is a circular only to be very briefly alluded to: it promises

to furnish, on receipt of the price, and "by mail or express, with

perfect safety, so as to defy detection," any of twenty-two wholly

infamous books, and various other cards and commodities, well suited to

the public of Sodom and Gomorrah, etc. The most honest and decent things

advertised in this unclean list are "advantage-cards" which enable the

player to swindle his adversary by reading off his hand by the backs of

the cards.

The next paper I can copy verbatim, except some names, etc., is a letter

as follows:

"Dear Sir--There is a Package in My care for a Mrs. preston New Griswold

wich thare is 48 cts. fratage. Pleas forward the same. I shall send it

Per Express Your recpt."

It is some little comfort to know that this gentleman, who is so much

opposed to the present prevailing methods of spelling, lost the three

cents which he invested in seeking "fratage." But a good many sensible

people have carelessly sent away the small amounts demanded by letters

like the above, and have wondered why their prepaid parcels never came.

Next, is an account by a half amused and half indignant eye-witness, of

what happened in a well known town in Western New York, on Friday,

January 6, 1865. A personage described as "dressed in Yankee style,"

drove into the principal street of the place with a horse and buggy, and

began to sell what is called in some parts of New England "Attleboro,"

that is, imitation jewelry, but promising to return the customers their

money, if required, and doing so. After a number of transactions of this

kind, he bawls out, like the sorcerer in Aladdin, who went around

crying new lamps for old, "Who will give me four dollars for this

five-dollar greenback?"

He found a customer; sold a one-dollar greenback for ninety cents; then

sold some half-dollar bills for twenty-five cents each; then flung out

among the crowd what a fisherman would call ground bait, in the shape of

a handful of "currency."

Everybody scrambled for the money. This liberal trader now drove slowly

a little way along, and the crowd pressed after him.

He now began, without any further promises, to sell a lot of bogus

lockets at five dollars each, and in a few minutes had disposed of about

forty. Having, therefore, about two hundred dollars in his pocket, and

trade slackening, he coolly observes, with a terseness and clearness of

oratory that would not discredit General Sherman:

"Gentlemen--I have sold you those goods at my price. I am a licensed

peddler. If I give you your money back you will think me a lunatic. I

wish you all success in your ordinary vocations! Good morning!"

And sure enough, he drove off. That same cunning chap has actually made

a small fortune in this way. He really is licensed as a peddler, and

though arrested more than once, has consequently not been found legally

punishable.

I will specify only one more of my collection, of yet another kind. This

is a printed circular appealing to a class of fools, if possible, even

shallower, sillier, and more credulous than any I have named yet. It is

headed "The Gypsies' Seven Secret Charms." These charms consist of a

kind of hellbroth or decoction. You are to wet the hands and the

forehead with them, and this is to render you able to tell what any

person is thinking of; upon taking any one by the hand, you will be able

to entirely control the mind and will of such person (it is unnecessary

to specify the purpose intended to be believed possible). These charms

are also to enable you to buy lucky lottery-tickets, discover things

lost or hid, dream correctly of the future, increase the intellectual

faculties, secure the affections of the other sex, etc. These precious

conceits are set forth in a ridiculous hodge-podge of statements. The

"charms," it says, were used by the "Anted_e_luvians;" were the secret

of the Egyptian enchanters and of Moses, too; of the Pythoness and the

heathen conjurors and humbugs generally; and (which will be news to the

geographers of to-day) "are used by the Psyli (the swindler mis-spells

again) of South America to charm Beasts, Birds, and Serpents." The way

to control the mind, he says, was discovered by a French traveler named

Tunear. This Frenchman is perhaps a relative of the equally celebrated

Russian traveller, Toofaroff.

But here is the point, after all. You send the money, we will say, for

one of these charms--for they are for sale separately. You receive in

return a second circular, saying that they work a great deal better all

together, and so the man will send you all of them when you send the

rest of the money. Send it, if you choose!

Now, how is it possible for people to be living among us here, who are

fooled by such wretched balderdash as this? There are such, however, and

a great many of them. I do not imagine that there are many of these

addlepates among my readers; but there is no harm in giving once more a

very plain and easy direction which may possibly save somebody some

money and some mortification. Be content with what you can honestly

earn. Know whom you deal with. Do not try to get money without giving

fair value for it. And pay out no money on strangers' promises, whether

by word of mouth, written letters, advertisements, or printed circulars.

CHAPTER XXIII.

A CALIFORNIA COAL MINE.--A HARTFORD COAL MINE.--MYSTERIOUS SUBTERRANEAN

CANAL ON THE ISTHMUS.

Some twelve years ago or so, in the early days of Californian

immigration, a curious little business humbug came off about six miles

from Monterey. A United States officer, about the year 1850, was on his

way into the interior on a surveying expedition, with a party of men, a

portable forge, a load of coal, and sundry other articles. At the place

in question, six miles inland, the Lieutenant's coal wagon "stalled" in

a "tule" swamp. With true military decision the greater part of the coal

was thrown out to extricate the team, and not picked up again. The

expedition went on and so did time, and the latter, in his progress, had

some years afterward dried up the tule swamp. Some enterprising

prospectors, with eyes wide open to the nature of things, now espied one

fine morning the lumps of coal, sticking their black noses up out of the

mud. It was a clear case--there was a coal mine there! The happy

discoverers rushed into town. A company was at once organized under the

mining laws of the state of California. The corporators at first kept

the whole matter totally secret except from a few particular friends who

were as a very great favor allowed to buy stock for cash. A "compromise"

was made with the owner of the land, largely to his advantage. When

things had thus been set properly at work, specimens of coal were

publicly exhibited at Monterey. There was a gigantic excitement; shares

went up almost out of sight. Twelve hundred dollars in coin for one

share (par $100) was laughed at. About this time a quiet honest Dutchman

of the vicinity passing along by the "mine" one evening with his cart,

innocently and unconsciously picked up the whole at one single load and

carried it home. Prompt was the discovery of the "sell" by the

stockholders, and voluble and intense, it is said, their profane

expressions of dissatisfaction. But the original discoverers of the mine

vigorously protested that they were "sold" themselves, and that it was

only a case of common misfortune. It is however reported that a number

of persons in Monterey, _after_ the explosion of the speculation,

remembered all about the coal-wagon part of the business, which they

said, the excitement of the "company" had put entirely out of their

heads.

An equally unfounded but not quite so barefaced humbug came off a good

many years ago in the good old city of Hartford, in Connecticut,

according to the account given me by an old gentleman now deceased, who

was one of the parties interested. This was a coal mine in the State

House yard. It sounds like talking about getting sunbeams out of

cucumbers--but something of the sort certainly took place.

Coal is found among rocks of certain kinds, and not elsewhere. Among

strata of granite or basalt for instance, nobody expects to find coal.

But along with a certain kind of sandstone it may reasonably be

expected. Now the Hartford wiseacres found that tremendously far down

under their city, there was _a_ sort of sandstone, and they were sure

that it was _the_ sort. So they gathered together some money,--there is

a vast deal of _that_ in Hartford, coal or no coal--organized a company,

employed a Mining Superintendent, set up a boring apparatus, and down

went their hole into the ground--an orifice some four or six inches

across. Through the surface stratum of earth it went, and bang it came

against the sandstone. They pounded away, with good courage, and got

some fifties or hundreds of feet further. Indefinable sensations were

aroused in their minds at one time by the coming up among the products

of boring, of some chips of wood. Now wood, shortly coal, they thought.

They might, I imagine, have brought up some pieces of boiled potato or

even of fresh shad, provided it had fallen down first. They dug on

until they got tired, and then they stopped. If they had gone down ten

thousand feet they would have found no coal. Coal is found in the new

red sandstone; but theirs was the old red sandstone, which is a very

fine old stone itself, but in which no coal was ever found, except what

might have been put there on purpose, or possibly some faint

indications. The hole they made, however, as my informant gravely

observed, was left sticking in the ground, and if he is right is to this

day a sort of appendix or tail to the well north-west corner of the

State House Square. So, I suppose, any one who chooses can go and poke

down there after it and satisfy himself about the accuracy of this

account. Such an inquirer ought to find satisfaction, for "truth lies in

the bottom of a well" says the proverb. Yet some ill natured skeptics

have construed this to mean that all will tell lies sometimes, for--as

they accent it, even "Truth _lies_, at the bottom of a well!"

Still a different sort of business humbug, again, was a wonderful story

which went the rounds about fifteen years ago, and which was cooked up

to help some one or other of the various enterprises for new routes by

Central America to California. This story started, I believe, in the

"New Orleans Courier." It was, that a French Doctor of Vera Paz in

Guatemala, while making a canal from his estate to the sea, discovered,

away up at the very furthest extremity of the Gulf of Honduras, a vast

ancient canal, two hundred and forty feet wide, seventy feet deep, and

walled in on both sides with gigantic masses of rough cut stone. The

Doctor at once gave up his own trifling modern excavation, and plunged

into an explanation of this vast ancient one, as zealously as if he were

probing after some uncertain bullet in a poor fellow's leg. The

monstrous canal carried him in a straight line up the country, to the

south-westward. Some twenty miles or so inland it plunged under a

_volcano!_

But see what a French doctor is made of!

Cutting down the great, old trees that obstructed the entrance, and

procuring a canoe with a crew of Indians, in he went. The canal became a

prodigious tunnel, of the same width and depth of water, and vaulted

three hundred and thirty five feet high in the living rock. Nothing is

said about the bowels of the volcano, so that we must conclude either

that such affairs are not planted so deep as is supposed, or that the

fire-pot of the concern was shoved one side or bridged over by the

canallers, or that the Frenchman had some remarkably good style of Fire

Annihilator, or else that there is some mistake!

Eighteen hours of incessant travel brought our intrepid M.D. safe

through to the Pacific Ocean; during which time, if the maps of that

country are of any authority, he passed under quite a number of

mountains and rivers. The trip was not dark at all, as shafts were sunk

every little way, which lighted up the interior quite well, and then the

volcano gave--or ought to have given--some light inside. Indeed, if the

doctor had only thought of it, I presume he would have noticed double

rows of street gas lamps on each side of the canal! The exclusive right

to use this excellent transit route has not, to my knowledge, been

secured to anybody yet. It will be observed that ships as large as the

Great Eastern could easily pass each other in this canal, which renders

it a sure thing for any other vessel unless that shrewd and grasping

fellow the Emperor Louis Napoleon, has got hold of this canal and is

keeping it dark for some still darker purposes of his own--as for

instance to run his puppet Maximilian into for refuge, when he is run

out of Mexico--it is therefore still in the market. And my publication

of the facts effectually disposes of the Emperor's plan of secrecy, of

course.

IV. MONEY MANIAS.

CHAPTER XXIV.

THE PETROLEUM HUMBUG.--THE NEW YORK AND RANGOON PETROLEUM COMPANY.

Every sham, as has often been said, proves some reality. Petroleum

exists, no doubt, and is an important addition to our national wealth.

But the Petroleum humbug or mania or superstition, or whatever you

choose to call it, is a humbug, just as truly, and a big one, whether we

use the word in its milder or its bitterer sense.

There are more than six hundred petroleum companies. The capital they

call for, is certainly not less than five hundred million dollars. The

money invested in the notorious South Sea Bubble was less than

two-fifths as much--only about $190,000,000.

Now, this petroleum business--very much of it--is just as thorough a

gambling business as any faro bank ever set up in Broadway, or any other

stock speculation ever conjured up in Wall Street--as much so, for

instance, as the well known Parker Vein coal company.

I shall here tell exactly how those well known and enterprising

financiers, Messrs. Peter Rolleum and Diddle Digwell proceeded in

organizing the New-York and Rangoon Petroleum Company, of which all my

readers have seen the advertisements everywhere, and of which the former

is the Vice President and managing officer, and the latter Secretary. In

June 1864, neither of these worthy gentleman was worth a cent. Rolleum

shinned up and down in some commission agency or other, and Digwell had

a small salary as clerk in some insurance or money concern. They barely

earned a living. Now, Rolleum says he is worth $200,000; and Mr.

Secretary Digwell, besides about $10,000 worth of stock in the New York

and Rangoon, has his comfortable salary and his highly respectable

"posish"--to use a little bit of business slang.

Mr. Rolleum was the originator of the scheme, and let Digwell into it;

and together they went to work. They had a few hundred dollars in cash,

no particular credit, an entirely unlimited fund of lies, a good deal of

industry, plausibility, talk, and cheek, considerable acquaintance with

business, and an instinctive appreciation of some of the more selfish

motives commonly influential among men.

First of all, Rolleum made a trip into the oil country. Here, while

picking up some of his ordinary agency business, he looked around among

the wells and oil lands, talking, and examining and inquiring of

everybody about everything, with a busy, solemn face, and the air of one

who does _not wish_ it to be supposed that he has important interests in

his care. Then he talked with some men at (we will say) Titusville and

thereabouts; told all about his valuable business connections in New

York City: and after getting a little acquainted, he laid before each

of half-a-dozen or so of them, this proposition:

"You can have a good many shares of a first class new oil company about

to be formed just for permitting your name to be used in its interest,

and for being a trustee." A thousand shares apiece, he said; to be

valued at five dollars each, the par value however, being ten dollars.

Five thousand dollars each man, and to be made ten thousand, as soon as

the proposed puffing should enable them to sell out. After a little

hesitation, a sufficient number consented. There was nothing to pay,

something handsome to get, and all they were asked for it was, to let a

man talk about them. What if he did lie? That was his business.

This fixed four out of the nine intended trustees.

Rolleum also obtained memoranda or printed circulars showing the amounts

for which a number of oil land owners would sell their holes in the

ground or the room for making others, and describing the premises. He

now flew back to New York, and went to sundry persons of some means and

some position but of no great nobility, and thus he said:

"Here are these wealthy and distinguished oil men right there on the

ground who are going to be trustees of my new company.

"You serve too, won't you? One thousand shares for your trouble--five

thousand dollars. No money to pay--I will see to all that. Here are the

lands we can buy,"--and he showed his lists. The bribe, and the names of

those already bribed, influenced them, and this secured three more

trustees. Two more were needed, namely the President and Vice

President. Rolleum himself was to be the latter; his next move was to

secure the former.

This, the most critical part of the scheme, was cunningly delayed until

this time. Rolleum went to the Honorable A. Bee, a gentleman of a good

deal of ability, pretty widely known, not very rich, believed (perhaps

for that reason) to be honest, no longer young, and of a reverend yet

agreeable presence. Him the plausible Rolleum told all about the new

Company; what a respectable board of trustees there was going to be--and

he showed the names; all either experienced and substantial men of the

oil country, or reputable business men of New York City. And they have

agreed to serve, in part because they know what a very honest company

this is, and still more because they hope that the Honorable A. Bee will

become President.

"My dear Sir," urged Rolleum, sweetly, "this legitimate business

enterprise _must_ succeed, and _must_ secure wealth, reputation, and

influence to all connected with it. We know that you are above pecuniary

considerations, and that you do not need our influence, or anybody's. We

need yours. And you need not do any work. I will do that. We only need

your name. And merely as a matter of form, because the officers are

expected to be interested in their own company, I have set apart two

thousand shares, being at half par or $5 a share, $10,000 of stock, to

stand in your name. See how respectable all these Trustees are!" And he

showed the list and preached upon the items of it.

"This man is worth so many millions, that man is such an influential

editor. Could I have obtained such names if this were not a perfectly

square thing?"

Ten thousand dollars will go some ways towards squaring almost anything,

with many people, even if it is a mere matter of form; and so the old

gentleman consented. This fixed the whole official "slate."

Now to set up the machine.

In a few days of sharp running and talking, Rolleum and Digwell

accomplished this, as follows:

_First_, they hired and furnished handsomely, paying cash whenever they

couldn't help it, a couple of pleasant first floor rooms close to Wall

Street. No dingy desk-room up in some dark corner or attic, for them.

Respectability is the thing for Rolleum.

_Second_, they hired a lawyer to draft the proper papers, and had the

New York and Rangoon Petroleum Company "Duly incorporated under the

mining and statute laws of the State of New York," with charter,

by-laws, seal, officers' names, and everything fine, new, grand,

magnificent, impressive, formal, respectable and business-like.

_Third_, they now had every requisite of a powerful, enterprising and

highly successful corporation, except the small trifles of money, land

and oil. But what are these, to such geniuses as Rolleum and Digwell?

Singular if having invented and set the trap, they could not catch the

birds!

They _bought_ about three pints of oil, for one dollar; and that settled

one part of the question. They bought it ready sorted and vialled and

labelled; some crude and green, some yellowish, some limpid as water,

half a dozen or so of different specimens. These, in their tall vials of

most respectable appearance, they placed casually on the mantel-piece of

the outer office. They were specimens of the oils which the company's

wells are confidently expected to yield--when they get 'em!

Last of all--land and money. Subscriptions to capital stock are to

furnish money, money will buy land. And _saying we've got land_ will

procure subscriptions.

"It's not much of a lie, after all," said Rolleum, confidentially, to

brother Digwell. "When we've _said_ we've got it for awhile, we _shall_

get it. It's not a lie at all. It's only discounting the truth at sixty

days!"

So he and Digwell went to work and made a splendid prospectus and

advertisement, the latter an abridged edition of the former. This

prospectus was a great triumph of business lying mixed with plums and

spices of truth, and all set forth with taking "display lines."

It began with a stately row of names: New York and Rangoon Petroleum

Company; Honorable Abraham Bee, President; Peter Rolleum, Esq., Vice

President; Diddle Digwell, Esq., Secretary; and so on. With cool

impudence it then gave a list headed "Lands and Property"--not saying

"of the Company" for fear of a prosecution for swindling. But the list

below began with the words "the oil lands _to be conveyed_ to the

Company are as follows:" "that's exactly it" quoth Rolleum--"no lie

there, at any rate. They _are_ to 'to be conveyed' to us--if we

choose--just as soon as we can pay for them." And then the list went on

from "No. 1" to "No. 43," giving in a row all those memoranda which

Rolleum had obtained in Venango County and the region round about, of

the descriptions of the real estate which the landsharks up there would

be glad to sell for what they asked for it.

The Prospectus said the capital of the company was one million dollars,

in one hundred thousand shares at ten dollars each. But _in order to

obtain a_ WORKING CAPITAL, twenty thousand shares are offered for a

_limited period_ at five dollars each, not subject to further

assessment.

And it added, though with more phrases, something to the following

effect: Hurry! Pay quick! Or you will lose your chance! In conclusion

the whole was wound up with many wise and moral observations about

legitimate business, interests of stockholders, heavy capitalists,

economical management, and other such things; and it bestowed some

rather fat compliments upon the honorable Abraham Bee and the Trustees.

Having concocted this choice morsel of bait, they set it in the great

stream of newspapers, there to catch fish. In plain terms, with some

cash and some credit--for their means would not even reach to pay in

advance the whole of their first advertising bill--they managed to have

their advertisement published during several weeks in a carefully chosen

group of about thirty of the principal newspapers of the United States.

The whole web was now woven; and Rolleum and Digwell, like two hungry

spiders, squatted in their den, every nerve thrilling to feel the first

buzz of the first fly. It was natural that the scamps should feel a

good deal excited: it was life or death with them. If a confiding

public, in answer to their impassioned appeal, should generously remit,

they were made men for life. If not, instead of being rich and respected

gentlemen, they were ridiculous, detected swindlers.

Well--they succeeded. So truthful is our Great American Nation--so

confiding, so sure of the truth of what is said in print, even if only

in the advertising columns of a newspaper--so certain of the good faith

of people who have their names printed in large capitals and with a

handle at one end--that actually these fellows had a hundred thousand

dollars in bank within ten weeks--before they owned one foot of land, or

one inch of well, or one drop of oil, except those three pints in the

vials on the office shelf!

And remember this is no imaginary case. I am giving point by point the

exact transactions of a real Petroleum Company.

Everything I have told was done, only if possible with a more false and

baseless impudence than I have described. And scores and scores of other

Petroleum Companies have been organized in ways exactly as unprincipled.

Some of them may perhaps have proceeded as real business concerns. Some

have stopped and disappeared as soon as the managers could get a

handsome sum of money into their pockets for stock.

What the result will be, in the present case, I don't know. The New York

and Rangoon Petroleum Company, when I last knew about it, "still lived."

They had--or said they had--bought some land. I have not heard of their

receiving any oil raised from their own wells. They have sent off a

monstrous quantity of circulars, prospectuses and advertisements. They

caused a portrait and biography of the Honorable A. Bee to be printed in

a very respectable periodical, and paid five hundred dollars for it.

They had themselves systematically puffed up to the seventh heaven in a

long series of articles in another periodical, and paid the owner of it

$2,000 or so _in stock_. They talk very big about a dividend. But

although they have received a great deal of money, and paid out a great

deal, I do not know of their paying their stockholders any yet. If they

should, it would not prove much. For it is sometimes considered "a good

dodge" to declare and pay a large dividend before any real profits have

been earned; as this is calculated to enhance the price of shares, and

to make them "go off like hot cakes."

I shall not make any "moral" about this story. It teaches its own. It is

a very mild statement of what was done to establish an actual

specimen,--and far from being of the worst description--of a great part

of the Petroleum Company enterprises of the day.

It is whispered that somehow or other the trustees and officers of the

New York and Rangoon do not own so much stock of their company as they

did, having managed to have their stock sold to subscribers as if it

were company stock. If this is so, those gentlemen have made their

reward sure; and Mr. Peter Rolleum, having the cash in hand for that

very liberal allotment of stock which he gave himself for his trouble in

getting up the New York and Rangoon Petroleum Company, is very likely

half or a quarter as rich as he says.

CHAPTER XXV.

THE TULIPOMANIA.

Alboni, the singer, had an exquisitely sweet voice, but was a very big

fat woman. Somebody accordingly remarked that she was an elephant that

had swallowed a nightingale. About as incongruous is the idea of a

nation of damp, foggy, fat, full-figured, broad-sterned, gin-drinking,

tobacco-smoking Dutchmen in Holland, going crazy over a flower. But they

did so, for three or four years together. Their craze is known in

history as the Tulipomania, because it was a mania about tulips.

Just a word about the Dutchmen first.

These stout old fellows were not only hardy navigators, keen

discoverers, ingenious engineers, laborious workmen, able financiers,

shrewd and rich merchants, enthusiastic patriots and tremendous

fighters, but they were eminently distinguished (as they still are to a

considerable extent) by a love of elegant literature, poetry, painting,

music and other fine arts, including horticulture. It was a Fleming that

invented painting in oils. Before him, white of egg was used, or

gum-water, or some such imperfect material, for spreading the color.

Erasmus, one of the most learned, ready-minded, acute, graceful and

witty scholars that ever lived, was a Dutchman. All Holland and

Flanders, in days when they were richer, and stronger compared with the

rest of the world than they are now, were full of singing societies and

musical societies and poetry making societies. The universities of

Leyden and Utrecht and Louvain are of highly an ancient European fame.

And as for flowers, and bulbs in particular, Holland is a principal home

and market of them now, more than two hundred years after the time I am

going to tell of.

Tulips grow wild in Southern Russia, the Crimea and Asia Minor, as

potatoes do in Peru. The first tulip in Christian Europe was raised in

Augsburg, in the garden of a flower-loving lawyer, one Counsellor

Herwart, in the year 1559, thirteen years after Luther died. This tulip

bulb was sent to Herwart from Constantinople. For about eighty years

after this the flower continually increased in repute and became more

and more known and cultivated, until the fantastic eagerness of the

demand for fine ones and the great prices that they brought, resulted in

a real mania like that about the morus multicaulis, or the petroleum

mania of to-day, but much more intense. It began in the year 1635, and

went out with an explosion in the year 1837.

This tulip business is, I believe, the only speculative excitement in

history whose subject-matter did not even claim to have any real value.

Petroleum is worth some shillings a gallon for actual use for many

purposes. Stocks always claim to represent some real trade or business.

The morus multicaulis was to be as permanent a source of wealth as corn,

and was expected to produce the well known mercantile substance of silk.

But nobody ever pretended that tulips could be eaten, or manufactured,

or consumed in any way of practical usefulness. They have not one single

quality of the kind termed useful. They have nothing desirable except

the beauty of a peculiarly short-lived blossom. You can do absolutely

nothing with them except to look at them. A speculation in them is

exactly as reasonable as one in butterflies would be.

In the course of about one year, 1634-5, the tulip frenzy, after having

increased for fifteen or twenty years with considerable speed, came to a

climax, and poisoned the whole Dutch nation. Prices had at the end of

this short period risen from high to extravagant, and from extravagant

to insane. High and low, counts, burgomasters, merchants, shop-keepers,

servants, shoe-blacks, all were buying and selling tulips like mad. In

order to make the commodity of the day accessible to all, a new weight

was invented, called a perit, so small that there were about eight

thousand of them in one pound avoirdupois, and a single tulip root

weighing from half an ounce to an ounce, would contain from 200 to 400

of these perits. Thus, anybody unable to buy a whole tulip, could buy a

perit or two, and have what the lawyers call an "undivided interest" in

a root. This way of owning shows how utterly unreal was the pretended

value. For imagine a small owner attempting to take his own perits and

put them in his pocket. He would make a little hole in the tulip-root,

would probably kill it, and would certainly obtain a little bit of

utterly worthless pulp for himself, and no value at all. There was a

whole code of business regulations made to meet the peculiar needs of

the tulip business, besides, and in every town were to be found

"tulip-notaries," to conduct the legal part of the business, take

acknowledgments of deeds, note protests, &c.

To say that the tulips were worth their weight in gold would be a very

small story. It would not be a very great exaggeration to say that they

were worth their size in diamonds. The most valuable species of all was

named "Semper Augustus," and a bulb of it which weighed 200 perits, or

less than half an ounce avoirdupois, was thought cheap at 5,500 florins.

A florin may be called about 40 cents; so that the little brown root was

worth $2,200, or 220 gold eagles, which would weigh, by a rough

estimate, eight pounds four ounces, or 132 ounces avoirdupois. Thus this

half ounce Semper Augustus was worth--I mean he would bring--two hundred

and sixty-four times his weight in gold!

There were many cases where people invested whole fortunes equal to

$40,000 or $50,000 in collections of forty or fifty tulip roots. Once

there happened to be only two Semper Augustuses in all Holland, one in

Haarlem and one in Amsterdam. The Haarlem one was sold for twelve acres

of building lots, and the Amsterdam one for a sum equal to $1,840,00,

together with a new carriage, span of grey horses and double harness,

complete.

Here is the list of merchandise and estimated prices given for one root

of the Viceroy tulip. It is interesting as showing what real merchandise

was worth in those days by a cash standard, aside from its exhibition of

tremendous speculative bedlamism:

160 bushels wheat $179,20

320 bushels rye 223,20

Four fat oxen 192,00

Eight fat hogs 96,00

Twelve fat sheep 48,00

Two hogsheads wine 28,00

Four tuns beer 12,80

Two tuns butter 76,80

1000 lbs. cheese 48,00

A bed all complete 40,00

One suit clothes 32,00

A silver drinking cup 24,00

---------

Total exactly $1,000,00

In 1636, regular tulip exchanges were established in the nine Dutch

towns where the largest tulip business was done, and while the gambling

was at its intensest, the matter was managed exactly as stock gambling

is managed in Wall street to-day. You went out into "the street" without

owning a tulip or a perit of a tulip in the world, and met another

fellow with just as many tulips as yourself. You talk and "banter" with

him, and finally (we will suppose) you "sell short" ten Semper

Augustuses, "seller three," for $2,000 each, in all $20,000. This means

in ordinary English, that without having any tulips (i. e., short,) you

promise to deliver the ten roots as above in three days from date. Now

when the three days are up, if Semper Augustuses are worth in the market

only $1,500, you could, if this were a real transaction, buy ten of them

for $15,000, and deliver them to the other gambler for $20,000, thus

winning from him the difference of $5,000. But if the roots have risen

and are worth $2,500 each, then if the transactions were real you would

have to pay $25,000 for the ten roots and could only get $20,000 from

the other gambler, and he, turning round and selling them at the market

price, would win from you this difference of $5,000. But in fact the

transaction was not real, it was a stock gambling one; neither party

owned tulips or meant to, or expected the other to; and the whole was a

pure game of chance or skill, to see which should win and which should

lose that $5,000 at the end of three days. When the time came, the

affair was settled, still without any tulips, by the loser paying the

difference to the winner, exactly as one loses what the other wins at a

game of poker or faro. Of course if you can set afloat a smart lie after

making your bargain, such as will send prices up or down as your profit

requires, you make money by it, just as stock gamblers do every day in

New York, London, Paris, and other Christian commercial cities.

While this monstrous Dutch gambling fury lasted, money was plenty,

everybody felt rich and Holland was in a whiz of windy delight. After

about three years of fool's paradise, people began to reflect that the

shuttlecock could not be knocked about in the air forever, and that when

it came down somebody would be hurt. So first one and then another began

quietly to sell out and quit the game, without buying in again. This

cautious infection quickly spread like a pestilence, as it always does

in such cases, and became a perfect panic or fright. All at once, as it

were, rich people all over Holland found themselves with nothing in the

world except a pocket full or a garden-bed full of flower roots that

nobody would buy and that were not good to eat, and would not have made

more than one tureen of soup if they were.

Of course this state of things caused innumerable bankruptcies,

quarrels, and refusals to complete bargains, everywhere. The government

and the courts were appealed to, but with Dutch good sense they refused

to enforce gambling transactions, and though the cure was very severe

because very sudden, they preferred to let "the bottom drop out" of the

whole affair at once. So it did. Almost everybody was either ruined or

impoverished. The very few who had kept any or all of their gains by

selling out in season, remained so far rich. And the vast actual

business interests of Holland received a damaging check, from which it

took many years to recover.

There were some curious incidents in the course of the tulipomania. They

have been told before, but they are worth telling again, as the poet

says, "To point the moral or adorn the tale."

A sailor brought to a rich Dutch merchant news of the safe arrival of a

very valuable cargo from the Levant. The old hunks rewarded the mariner

for his good tidings with one red herring for breakfast. Now Ben Bolt

(if that was his name--perhaps as he was a Dutchman it was something

like Benje Boltje) was very fond of onions, and spying one on the

counter as he went out of the store, he slipped it into his pocket, and

strolling back to the wharf, sat down to an odoriferous breakfast of

onions and herring. He munched away without finding anything unusual in

the flavor, until just as he was through, down came Mr. Merchant,

tearing along like a madman at the head of an excited procession of

clerks, and flying upon the luckless son of Neptune, demanded what he

had carried off besides his herring?

"An onion that I found on the counter."

"Where is it? Give it back instantly!"

"Just ate it up with my herring, mynheer."

Wretched merchant! In a fury of useless grief he apprised the sailor

that his sacrilegious back teeth had demolished a Semper Augustus

valuable enough, explained the unhappy old fellow, to have feasted the

Prince of Orange and the Stadtholder's whole court. "Thieves!" he cried

out--"Seize the rascal!" So they did seize him, and he was actually

tried, condemned and imprisoned for some months, all of which however

did not bring back the tulip root. It is a question after all in my

mind, whether that sailor was really as green as he pretended, and

whether he did not know very well what he was taking. It would have been

just like a reckless seaman's trick to eat up the old miser's twelve

hundred dollar root, to teach him not to give such stingy gifts next

time.

An English traveller, very fond of botany, was one day in the

conservatory of a rich Dutchman, when he saw a strange bulb lying on a

shelf. With that extreme coolness and selfishness which too many

travellers have exercised, what does he do but take out his penknife

and carefully dissect it, peeling off the outer coats, and quartering

the innermost part, making all the time a great many wise observations

on the phenomena of the strange new root. In came the Dutchman all at

once, and seeing what was going on, he asked the Englishman, with rage

in his eyes, but with a low bow and that sort of restrained formal

civility which sometimes covers the most furious anger, if he knew what

he was about?

"Peeling a very curious onion," answered Mr. Traveller, as calmly as if

one had a perfect right to destroy other people's property to gratify

his own curiosity.

"One hundred thousand devils!" burst out the Dutchman, expressing the

extent of his anger by the number of evil spirits he invoked--"It is an

Admiral van der Eyck!"

"Indeed?" remarked the scientific traveller, "thank you. Are there a

good many of these admirals in your country?" and he drew forth his note

book to write down the little fact.

"Death and the devil!" swore the enraged Dutchman again--"come before

the Syndic and you shall find out all about it!" So he collared the

astounded onion-peeler, and despite all he could say, dragged him

straightway before the magistrate, where his scientific zeal suffered a

dreadful quencher in the shape of an affidavit that the "onion" was

worth four thousand florins--about $1600--and in the immediate judgment

of the Court, which "considered" that the prisoner be forthwith clapt

into jail until he should give security for the amount. He had to do so

accordingly, and doubtless all his life retained a distaste for

Dutchmen and Dutch onions.

These stories about such monstrous valuations of flower roots recall to

my mind another anecdote which I shall tell, not because it has anything

to do with tulips, but because it is about a Dutchman, and shows in

striking contrast an equally low valuation of human life. It is this.

Once, in time of peace, an English and a Dutch Admiral met at sea, each

in his flag ship, and for some reason or other exchanged complimentary

salutes. By accident, one of the Englishman's guns was shotted and

misdirected, and killed one of the Dutch crew. On hearing the fact the

Englishman at once manned a boat and went to apologize, to inquire about

the poor fellow's family and to send them some money, provide for the

funeral, etc., etc., as a kind hearted man would naturally do. But the

Dutch commander, on meeting him at the quarter-deck, and learning his

errand, at once put all his kindly intentions completely one side,

saying in imperfect English:

"It'sh no matter, it'sh no matter--_dere's blaanty more Tutchmen in

Holland_!"

CHAPTER XXVI.

JOHN BULL'S GREAT MONEY HUMBUG.--THE SOUTH SEA BUBBLE IN 1720.

The "South Sea Bubble" is one of the most startling lessons which

history gives us of the ease with which the most monstrous, and absurd,

and wicked humbugs can be crammed down the throat of poor human nature.

It ought also to be a useful warning of the folly of mere "speculation,"

as compared with real "business undertakings." The history of the South

Sea Bubble has been told, before, but it is too prominent a case to be

entirely passed over. It occupied a period of about eight months, from

February 1, 1720, to the end of the following September. It was an

unreasonable expansion of the value of the stock of the "South Sea

Company." This Company was formed in 1711; its stock was at first about

$30,000,000, subscribed by the public and handed over by the corporators

to Government to meet certain troublesome public debts. In return,

Government guaranteed the stockholders a dividend of six per cent., and

gave the Company sundry permanent important duties and a monopoly of all

trade to the South Pacific, or "South Sea." This matter went on with

fair success as a money enterprise, until the birth of the "Bubble,"

which was as follows:--In the end of January, 1720, probably in

consequence of catching infection from "Law's Mississippi Scheme" in

France, the South Sea Company and the Bank of England made competing

propositions to the English Government, to repeat the original South Sea

Company financiering plan on a larger scale. The proposition of the

Company, which was accepted by Government, was: to assume as before the

whole public debt, now amounting to over one hundred and fifty millions

of dollars; and to be guaranteed at first a five per cent. dividend, and

afterward a four per cent. one, to the stockholders by Government. For

this privilege, the Company agreed to pay outright a bonus of more than

seventeen million dollars. This plan is said to have been originated and

principally carried through by Sir John Blunt, one of the Company's

directors. Parliament adopted it after two months' discussion--the

Bubble having, however, been swelling monstrously all the time.

It must be remembered that the wonderful profits expected from the

Company were to come from their monopoly of the South Sea trade.

Tremendous stories were told by Blunt and his friends, who can hardly

have believed more than one half of their own talk, about a free trade

with all the Spanish Pacific colonies, the importation of silver and

gold from Peru and Mexico in return for dry goods, etc., etc.; all which

fine things were going to produce two or three times the amount of the

Company's stock every year. When the bill authorizing the arrangement

passed, South Sea stock had already reached a price of four hundred per

cent. The bill was stoutly opposed in Parliament by Mr.--afterwards

Sir--Robert Walpole, and a few others but in vain. Under the operation

of the beautiful stories of the speculative Blunt and his friends, South

Sea stock, after a short lull in April, began to rise again, and the

bubble swelled and swelled to a size so monstrous, and with colors so

gay, that it filled the whole horizon of poor foolish John

Bull:--perfectly turned his bull-headed brain, and made him for the time

absolutely crazy. The directors opened books on April 12th for

L5,000,000 new stock, charging, however, L300 for each share of L100,

or three hundred per cent. to begin with. Double the amount was

subscribed in a few days; that is, John Bull subscribed thirty million

dollars for ten millions of stock, where only five millions were to be

had. In a few days more, these subscribers were selling at double what

they paid. April 21st, a ten per cent. dividend was voted for midsummer.

In a day or two, another five million subscription was opened at four

hundred per cent. to begin with. The whole, and half as much more, was

taken in a few hours. In the end of May, South Sea stock was worth five

hundred to one. On the 28th, it was five hundred and fifty. In four days

more, for some reason or other, it jumped up to eight hundred and

ninety. The speculating Blunt kept all this time blowing and blowing at

his bubble. All summer, he and his friends blew and blew; and all summer

the bubble swelled and floated, and shone; and high and low, men and

women, lords and ladies, clergymen, princesses and duchesses, merchants,

gamblers, tradesmen, dressmakers, footmen, bought and sold. In the

beginning of August, South Sea stock stood at one thousand per cent! It

was really worth about twenty-five per cent. The crowding in Exchange

Alley, the Wall street of the day, was tremendous. So noisy, and

unmanageable and excited was this mob of greedy fools, that the very

same stock was sometimes selling ten per cent. higher at one end of the

Alley than at the other.

The growth of this monstrous, noxious bubble hatched out a multitude of

young cockatrices. Not only was the stock of the India Company, the Bank

of England, and other sound concerns, much increased in price by

sympathy with this fury of speculation, but a great number of utterly

ridiculous schemes and barefaced swindles were advertised and

successfully imposed on the public. Any piece of paper purporting to be

stock could be sold for money. Not the least thought of investigating

the solvency of advertisers seems to have occurred to anybody. Nor was

any rank free from the poison. Almost a hundred projects were before the

public at once, some of them incredibly brazen humbugs. There were

schemes for a wheel for perpetual motion--capital, $5,000,000; for

trading in hair (for wigs), in those days "a big thing;" for furnishing

funerals to any part of Britain; for "improving the art of making soap;"

for importing walnut-trees from Virginia--capital, $10,000,000; for

insuring against losses by servants--capital, $15,000,000; for making

quicksilver malleable; "Puckle's Machine Company," for discharging

cannon-balls and bullets, both round and square, and so on. One colossal

genius in humbugging actually advertised in these words: "A company for

carrying on an undertaking of great advantage, but nobody to know what

it is." The capital he called for was $2,500,000, in shares of $500

each; deposit on subscribing, $10 per share. Each subscriber was

promised $500 per share per annum, and full particulars were to be given

in a month, when the rest of the subscription was to be paid. This great

financier, having put forth his prospectus, opened his office in

Cornhill next morning at nine o'clock. Crowds pressed upon him. At three

P. M., John Bull had paid this immense humbug $10,000, being deposits

on a thousand shares subscribed for. That night, the financier--a shrewd

man!--modestly retired to an unknown place upon the Continent, and was

never heard of again. Another humbug almost as preposterous, was that of

the "Globe Permits." These were square pieces of playing-cards with a

seal on them, having the picture of the Globe Tavern, and with the

words, "Sailcloth Permits." What they "permitted" was a subscription at

some future period to a sailcloth-factory, projected by a certain

capitalist. These "permits" sold at one time for $300 each.

But the more sensible members of Government soon exerted their influence

against these lesser and more palpable humbugs. Some accounts say that

the South Sea Company itself grew jealous, for it was reckoned that

these "side-shows" called for a total amount of $1,500,000,000, and

itself took legal means against them. At any rate, an "order in council"

was published, peremptorily dismissing and dissolving them all.

During August, it leaked out that Sir John Blunt and some other

"insiders" had sold out their South Sea stock. There was also some

charges of unfairness in managing subscriptions. After so long and so

intense an excitement, the time for reaction and collapse was come. The

price of stock began to fall in spite of all that the directors could

do. September 2, it was down to 700.

A general meeting of the company was held to try to whitewash matters,

but in vain. The stock fell, fell, fell. The great humbug had received

its death-blow. Thousands of families saw beggary staring them in the

face, grasping them with its iron hand. The consternation was

inexpressible. Out of it a great popular rage began to flame up, just as

fires often break out among the prostrate houses of a city ruined by an

earthquake. Efforts were meanwhile vainly made to stay the ruin by help

from the Bank of England. Bankers and goldsmiths (then often doing a

banking business) absconded daily. Business corporations failed. Credit

was almost paralyzed. In the end of September, the stock fell to 175,

150, 135.

Meanwhile violent riots were feared. South Sea directors could not be

seen in the streets without being insulted. The King, then in Hanover,

was imperatively sent for home, and had to come. So extensive was the

misfortune and the wrath of the people, so numerous the public meetings

and petitions from all over the kingdom, that Parliament found it

necessary to grant the public demand, and to initiate a formal inquiry

into the whole enterprise. This was done; and the foolish, swindled,

disappointed, angry nation, through this proceeding, vented all the

wrath it could upon the persons and estates of the managers and officers

of the South Sea Company. They were forbidden to leave the kingdom,

their property was sequestrated, they were placed in custody and

examined. Those of them in Parliament were insulted there to their

faces, several of them expelled, the most violent charges made against

them all. A secret investigating committee was set to rip up the whole

affair. Knight, the treasurer, who possessed all the dangerous secrets

of the concern, ran away to Calais and the Continent, and so escaped.

The books were found to have been either destroyed, secreted, or

mutilated and garbled. Stock bribes of $250,000, $150,000, $50,000 had

been paid to the Earl of Sunderland, the Duchess of Kendal (the King's

favorite,) Mr. Craggs (one of the Secretaries of State,) and others. Mr.

Aislabie, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, had accumulated $4,250,000

and more out of the business. Many other noblemen, gentlemen, and

reputable merchants were disgracefully involved.

The trials that were had resulted in the imprisonment, expulsion or

degradation of Aislabie, Craggs, Sir George Caswell (a banker and member

of the House,) and others. Blunt, a Mr. Stanhope, and a number more of

the chief criminals were stripped of their wealth, amounting to from

$135,000 to $1,200,000 each, and the proceeds used for the partial

relief of the ruined, except amounts left to the culprits to begin the

world anew. Blunt, the chief of all the swindlers, was stripped of about

$925,000, and allowed only $5,000. By this means and by the use of such

actual property as the Company did possess, about one-third of the money

lost by its means was ultimately paid to the losers. It was a long time,

however, before the tone of public credit was thoroughly restored.

The history of the South Sea bubble should always stand as a beacon to

warn us that reckless speculation is the bane of commerce, and that the

only sure method of gaining a fortune, and certainly of enjoying it, is

to diligently prosecute some legitimate calling, which, like the quality

of mercy, is "twice blessed." Every man's occupation should be

beneficial to his fellow-man as well as profitable to himself. All else

is vanity and folly.

CHAPTER XXVII.

BUSINESS HUMBUGS.--JOHN LAW.--THE MISSISSIPPI SCHEME.--JOHNNY CRAPAUD AS

GREEDY AS JOHNNY BULL.

In the "good old times," people were just as eager after money as they

are now; and a great deal more vulgar, unscrupulous, and foolish in

their endeavors to get it. During about two hundred years after the

discovery of America, that continent was a constant source of great and

little money humbugs. The Spaniards and Portuguese and French and

English all insisted upon thinking that America was chiefly made of

gold; perhaps believing, as the man said about Colorado, that the

hardship of the place was, that you have to dig through three or four

feet of solid silver before the gold could be reached. This curious

delusion is shown by the fact that the early charters of lands in

America so uniformly reserved to the King his proportion of all gold and

silver that should be found. And if gold were not to be had, these lazy

Europeans were equally crazy about the rich merchandise which they made

sure of finding in the vast and solitary American mountains and forests.

In a previous letter, I have shown how one of those delusions, about the

unbounded wealth to be obtained from the countries on the South Sea,

caused the English South Sea bubble.

A similar belief, at the same time, in the neighboring country of

France, formed the airy basis of a similar business humbug, even more

gigantic, noxious, and destructive. This was John Law's Mississippi

scheme, of which I shall give an account in this chapter. It was, I

think, the greatest business humbug of history.

Law was a Scotchman, shrewd and able, a really good financier for those

days, but vicious, a gambler, unprincipled, and liable to wild schemes.

He had possessed a good deal of property, had traveled and gambled all

over Europe, was witty, entertaining, and capital company, and had

become a favorite with the Duke of Orleans and other French nobles. When

the Duke became Regent of France at the death of Louis XIV, in 1715,

that country was horribly in debt, and its people in much misery, owing

to the costly wars and flaying taxations of the late King. When,

therefore, Law came to Paris with a promising scheme of finance in his

hand, the Regent was particularly glad to see him, both as financier and

as friend.

The Regent quickly fell in with Law's plans; and in the spring of 1716,

the first step--not, however, so intended at the time--toward the

Mississippi Scheme was taken. This was, the establishment by royal

authority of the banking firm of Law & Co., consisting of Law and his

brother. This bank, by a judicious organization and issue of paper

money, quickly began to help the distressed finances of the kingdom, and

to invigorate trade and commerce. This success, which seems to have been

an entirely sound and legitimate business success, made one sadly

mistaken but very deep impression upon the ignorant and shallow mind of

the Regent of France, which was the foundation of all the subsequent

trouble. The Regent became firmly convinced, that if a certain quantity

of bank bills could do so much good, a hundred thousand times as many

bills would surely do a hundred thousand times as much. That is, he

thought printing and issuing the bills was creating money. He paid no

regard to the need of providing specie for them on demand, but thought

he had an unlimited money factory in the city of Paris.

So far, so good. Next, Law planned, and, with the ever ready consent of

the Regent, effected, an enlargement of the business of his bank, based

on that delusion I spoke of about America. This enlargement was the

formation of the Mississippi Company, and this was the contrivance which

swelled into so tremendous a humbug. The company was closely connected

with the banks, and received (to begin with) the monopoly of all trade

to the Mississippi River, and all the country west of it. It was

expected to obtain vast quantities of gold and silver from that region,

and thus to make immense dividends on its stock. At home, it was to have

the sole charge of collecting all the taxes and coining all the money.

Stock was issued to the amount of one hundred thousand shares, at $200

(five hundred livres) each. And Law's help to the Government funds was

continued by permitting this stock to be paid for in those funds, at

their par value, though worth in market only about a third of it.

Subscriptions came in rapidly--for the French community was far more

ignorant about commercial affairs, finances, and the real resources of

distant regions, than we can easily conceive of now-a-days; and not only

the Regent, but every man, woman, and child in France, except a very few

tough and hard-headed old skeptics, believed every word Law said, and

would have believed him if he had told stories a hundred times as

incredible.

Well, pretty soon the Regent gave the associates--the bank and the

company--two other monopolies: that of tobacco, always monstrously

profitable, and that of refining gold and silver. Pretty soon, again, he

created the bank a state institution, by the magnificent name of The

Royal Bank of France. Having done this, the Regent could control the

bank in spite of Law (or order either); for, in those days, the kings of

France were almost perfectly despotic, and the Regent was acting king. I

have mentioned the Regent's terrible delusion about paper-money. No

sooner had he the bank in his power, than he added to the reasonable and

useful total of $12,000,000 of notes already out, a monstrous issue of

$200,000,000 worth in one vast batch, with the firm conviction that he

was thus adding so much to the par currency of France.

The Parliament of France, a body mostly of lawyers, originating in the

Middle Ages, a steady, conservative, wise, and brave assembly, was

always hostile to Law and his schemes. When this great expansion of

paper-currency began, the Parliament made a resolute fight against it,

petitioning, ordaining, threatening to hang Law, and frightening him

well, too; for the thorough enmity of an assembly of old lawyers may

well frighten anybody. At last, the Regent, by the use of the despotic

power of which the Kings of France had so much, reduced these old

fellows to silence by sticking a few of them in jail.

The cross-grained Parliament thus disposed of, everything was quickly

made to "look lovely." In the beginning of 1719, more grants were made

to Law's associated concerns. The Mississippi Company was granted the

monopoly of all trade to the East Indies, China, the South Seas, and all

the territories of the French India Company, and of the Senegal Company.

It took a new and imposing name: "The Company of the Indies." They had

already, by the way, also obtained the monopoly of the Canada

beaver-trade. Of this colossal corporation, monopolizing the whole

foreign commerce of France with two-thirds or more of the world, its

whole home finances, and other important interests besides, fifty

thousand new shares were issued, as before, at $100 each. These might be

bought as before, with Government securities at par. Law was so bold as

to promise annual dividends of $20 per share, which, as the Government

funds stood, was one hundred and twenty per cent. per annum.! Everybody

believed him. More than three hundred thousand applications were made

for the new shares. Law was besieged in his house by more than twice as

many people as General Grant had to help him take Richmond. The Great

Humbug was at last in full buzz. The street where the wonderful

Scotchman lived was busy, filled, crowded, jammed, choked. Dangerous

accidents happened in it every day, from the excessive pressure. From

the princes of the blood down to cobblers and lackeys, all men and all

women crowded and crowded to subscribe their money, and to pay their

money, and to know how many shares they had gotten. Law moved to a

roomier street, and the crazy mob crowded harder than ever; so that the

Chancellor, who held his court of law hard by, could not hear his

lawyers.

A tremendous uproar surely, that could drown the voices of those

gentlemen! And so he moved again, to the great Hotel de Soissons, a vast

palace, with a garden of some acres. Fantastic circumstances variegated

the wild rush of speculation. The haughtiest of the nobility rented mean

rooms near Law's abode, to be able to get at him. Rents in his

neighborhood rose to twelve and sixteen times their usual amount. A

cobbler, whose lines had fallen in those pleasant places, made $40 a day

by letting his stall and furnishing writing materials to speculators.

Thieves and disreputable characters of all sorts flocked to this

concourse. There were riots and quarrels all the time. They often had to

send a troop of cavalry to clear the street at night. Gamblers posted

themselves with their implements among the speculators, who gambled

harder than the gamblers, and took an occasional turn at roulette by way

of slackening the excitement; as people go to sleep, or go into the

country. A hunchback fellow made a good deal of money by letting people

write on his back. When Law had moved into the Hotel de Soissons, the

former owner, the Prince de Carignan, reserved the gardens, procured an

edict confining all stock-dealings to that place; put up five hundred

tents there, leased them at five hundred livres a month each, and thus

made money at the rate of $50,000 a month. There were just two of the

aristocracy who were sensible and resolute enough not to speculate in

the stock--the Duke de St. Simon and the old Marshal Villars.

Law became infinitely the most important person in the kingdom. Great

and small, male and female, high and low, haunted his offices and

ante-chambers, hunted him down, plagued his very life out, to get a

moment's speech with him, and get him to enter their names as buyers of

stock. The highest nobles would wait half a day for the chance. His

servants received great sums to announce some visitor's name. Ladies of

the highest rank gave him anything he would ask of them for leave to buy

stock. One of them made her coachmen upset her out of her carriage as

Law came by, to get a word with him. He helped her up; she got the word,

and bought some stock. Another lady ran into the house where he was at

dinner, and raised a cry of fire. The rest ran out, but she ran further

in to reach Law, who saw what she was at, and like a pecuniary Joseph,

ran away as fast as he could.