[83] _Kruptadia_: Heilbronn, Henninger Frères, 1883, vol. 1: _Secret
Stories from the Russian_.
An old man bought a sheep’s cloak for his wife, and he futtered her the
whole night long at the foot of the fence. In the morning the weather
was damp, and the old woman, with back bent, went weeping; but the old
man followed and mounted her. Said the woman to her husband:
“Tear me not in this fashion, Gabriel!”
But the man was hard of hearing, knew not what she said, thrust his
yard into her, and futtered her dog-fashion.... The eye is ne’er too
weary to see, nor the backside to fizzle, nor the nose to take snuff,
nor the coynte to lose the chance of a goodly futter.... But this by
way of a prelude ... a foreword.
* * * * *
Once there lived a pope,[84] who possessed a daughter, a virgin and an
artless. And when summer came the pope was wont to hire workmen to mow
the hay; and he hired them in this wise:
[84] A priest of the Greek Church.
If his daughter pissed o’er the haycock which the workman had mown,
the man went wageless. Workmen a-plenty hired themselves to the pope,
but, one and all, they laboured wageless; the daughter, whatsoe’er the
height of the haycock, pissed o’er it.
Yet another workman and a bold did accept the conditions; if the pope’s
daughter pissed o’er the haycock which he had mown, no claim for his
work would he make. Then mowed the workman his hay; when he had mown it
and set it in a heap, he lay down beside the haycock, drew forth his
yard from his drawers, and fell to toying with it. The pope’s daughter
drew nigh to the workman to scrutinise the haycock, cast a glance at
him, and said:
“What dost thou, little peasant?”
“I rub my comb.”
“What dost comb with this comb of thine?”
“Come--I will comb thee. Lie down on the hay.”
The pope’s daughter lay down on the hay, the workman fell to combing
her, and he winnowed her as was proper. Anon the young girl rose up and
said:
“What a delicious comb!”
Afterwards she sought to piss o’er the haycock; of no avail; she did
piss upon herself, as it might run from a sieve. Seeking out her
father, she spake him, saying:
“The haycock is too high; I may not piss o’er it.”
“Ah! my daughter! here in sooth is a goodly workman. I will hire him
for a year.”
And when the workman came to receive his wage, the pope said:
“Friend, hire thyself to me for a year.”
“I am willing,” quoth the workman; and he hired himself to the pope.
Most contented, too, was the pope’s daughter, and when night came she
sought the workman, saying:
“Comb me.”
“Nay, I will not comb thee for nought. Give me one hundred roubles. Buy
the comb.”
The pope’s daughter gave him one hundred roubles, and nightly he combed
her.
Came a time when the workman fell out with the pope, saying:
“Render me my wage, little father.”
His wage rendered, the workman went his way. Now the pope’s daughter
was not present when these things were done, but when she returned to
the house she inquired:
“Where is the workman?”
“He demanded his wage and is gone forthwith to the village,” quoth the
pope.
“Ah! little father! what hast thou done? He hath carried off my comb!”
cried the pope’s daughter.
She hastened in pursuit, and came upon him by a little stream; the
workman had tucked up his drawers and was fording the stream.
“Give me my comb!” cried the pope’s daughter.
The workman took a stone and cast it into the water.
“Pick it up,” said he; and, passing to the other side of the stream,
went his way.
The pope’s daughter tucked up her petticoat, entered the water, and
sought the comb. She rummaged at the bottom of the stream. No comb.
Chanced to pass a lord, who cried to her:
“What seekest, little dove?”
“My comb! I have purchased it from a workman for one hundred roubles;
departing, he carried it off with him. Him I pursued, and he cast the
comb in the water.”
The lord descended from his carriage, removed his breeches, and entered
the water in search of the comb. They searched; together they searched.
On a sudden the pope’s daughter perceived that a yard hung ‘twixt the
lord’s legs. She seized it with both hands, gripped it fast, and cried:
“Shame on thee, lord! ‘Tis my comb! Give it me!”
“What dost thou, shameless one? Leave hold of me!” said the lord.
“Nay, ‘tis thou who art shameless! Thou wouldst take what pertains to
another. Give me my comb!”
And she dragged him by his yard to her father.
The pope gazed through the window. Behold, his daughter dragged a lord
by his yard and never ceased from crying: “Give me my comb, wretched
fellow!” what time the lord made plaintive sound, saying: “Little
father, deliver me from a death not deserved! All my life I will not
forget thee!”
From his drawers the pope drew forth his yard, displayed it to his
daughter through the window, and cried:
“My daughter! my daughter! Here is thy comb!”
“Truly ‘tis mine!” cried the daughter. “Behold its red end! And I
thought the lord had taken it!”
And she released this unfortunate and sped into the house. The lord
drew on his hose and took to his heels.
The girl came running into the house.
“Where is my comb, little father?”
“Ah! what a daughter!” grumbled the pope. “See, little mother. I
believe she hath lost her maidenhead.”
“Examine her thyself, little father,” said the popess. “That will be
better.”
The pope lowered his drawers and gave the comb to his daughter. When
they were in action, the pope gasped and cried:
“No, no--the girl hath not lost her honour....”
Quoth the popess:
“Little father, push her honour yet further back.”
“Fear not, little mother. She will not let it fall. I have pushed it
far.”
Thus went the pope’s daughter to the comb. Henceforward the pope combed
them both, regaling them with his little ‘doll,’[85] passing his life
in futtering both daughter and mother.
[85] French _Poupée_, which, in the slang phraseology of that
language, properly denotes a harlot. On the other hand, we have the
term _dolly_ as a synonym for _penis_. (_C.f._ Farmer: _Slang and its
Analogues_.) This use of _poupée_, which, of course, is literally
translated by _doll_, is peculiar; our French lexicographers do not
include it in their lists of synonyms for the _membrum virile_.
_EXCURSUS_ to _THE PRINCESS WHO PISSETH OVER THE HAYCOCKS_ and _THE
COMB_.
The main theme of these two stories----the ability of a virgin girl
to urinate to a great height----is founded on physiological fact,
although, of course, grossly distorted and exaggerated. “In children,”
says Havelock Ellis, (_Studies in the Psychology of Sex_, vol. 5:
_Erotic Symbolism_), “the vulva appears to look directly forward
and the clitoris and urinary meatus easily appear, while in adult
women, and especially after attempts at coïtus have been made, the
vulva appears directed more below and behind, and the clitoris and
meatus more covered by the labia majora; so that the child urinates
forward, while the adult woman is usually able to urinate almost
directly downwards in the erect position, though in some cases (as may
occasionally be observed in the street) she can only do so when bending
slightly forwards.
“This difference in the direction of the stream formerly furnished
one of the methods of diagnosing virginity, an uncertain one, since
the difference is largely due to age and individual variation.
The main factor in the position and aspect of the vulva is pelvic
inclination....”
Havelock Ellis, later on in the same volume of his _Studies_, again
refers to the subject:
“A sign to which the old authors often attached much importance was
furnished by the urinary stream. In the _De Secretis Mulierum_, wrongly
attributed to Albertus Magnus,[86] it is laid down that ‘the virgin
urinates higher than the woman.’ Riolan, in his _Anthropographia_,
discussing the ability of virgins to ejaculate urine to a height,
states that Scaliger had observed women who were virgins emit urine in
a high jet against a wall, but that married women could seldom do this.
Bonaciolus also stated that the urine of virgins is emitted in a small
stream to a distance with an acute hissing sound. (_Parthenologia_, p.
281.)[87] ... There is no doubt a tendency for the various stresses of
sexual life to produce an influence in this direction, though they act
far too slowly and uncertainly to be a reliable index to the presence
or the absence of virginity.
[86] “Already in the thirteenth century, Albert Bollstœdt, Bishop
of Ratisbonne, better known as Albertus Magnus, had, in spite of
his clerical profession, furnished much scabrous matter concerning
the opposite sex in his work _De Secretis Mulierum_.”--_Centuria
Librorum Absconditorum_: Pisanus Fraxi (Ashbee): London: Privately
Printed, 1879. The compiler of this monumental work and the two
companion volumes, _Index Librorum Prohibitorum_ and _Catena Librorum
Tacendorum_, would seem to be at variance with Havelock Ellis. A
further reference to Albertus Magnus by Fraxi is worth giving: “Shall
a bishop, raised to the See of Ratisbonne, (exclaims the erudite James
Atkinson) and (still more monstrous) shall a canonised man, an ‘in
cœlum sublevatus,’ undertake a natural history of the most natural
secret, inter secretalia fœminea? Is the natural and divine law at
once to be expounded, inter Scyllam et Charybdim, of defailance and
human orgasm?”----Medical Bibliography, p. 72.
[87] We have already referred to Schurig’s work.
“Another common ancient test of virginity by urination rests on a
psychic basis, and appears in a variety of forms which are really all
reducible to the same principle. Thus we are told in _De Secretis
Mulierum_ that to ascertain if a girl has been seduced she should be
given to eat of powdered crocus flowers, and if she has been seduced
she immediately urinates. We are here concerned with auto-suggestion,
and it may well be believed that with nervous and credulous girls this
test often revealed the truth....
“ ... The ancient custom, known in classic times, of measuring the neck
the day after marriage was frequently practised to ascertain if a girl
was or was not a virgin. There were various ways of doing this. One was
to measure with a thread the circumference of the bride’s neck before
she went to bed on the bridal night. If in the morning the same thread
would not go around her neck it was a sure sign that she had lost her
virginity during the night; if it would, she was still a virgin or
had been deflowered at an earlier period. Catullus alluded to this
custom,[88] which still exists, or existed until lately,[89] in the
south of France. It is perfectly sound, for it rests on the intimate
response by congestion of the thyroid gland to sexual excitement.
(_Parthenologia_, p. 283.)”
[88] “Nor shall the nurse at orient light returning, with
yester-e’en’s thread succeed in circling her neck.”--_The Carmina of
Catullus_: Englished into verse and prose by Sir R. F. Burton and
L. C. Smithers: London, 1894. Burton and Smithers, apparently, were
unaware of the medical significance of the test, for they add in a
note: “The ancients, says Pezay, had faith in another equally absurd
test of virginity. They measured the circumference of the neck with
a thread. Then the girl under trial took the two ends of the magic
thread in her teeth, and if it was found to be so long that its bight
could be passed over her head, it was clear she was not a maid. By
this rule all the thin girls might pass for vestals, and all the plump
ones for the reverse.”
[89] Havelock Ellis is writing in 1914.