LAURIE’S FATE.
Next day was the day of the private exhibition made in the artists’
houses of their pictures before they were sent off to the Academy; not a
day in which a man could make his appearance with any passionate or
sentimental errand in the studio of a painter. All day long a stream of
carriages were flocking about Fitzroy Square, and driving into the
adjacent street, where carriages were not frequent visitors. There was a
suppressed excitement about the district generally. It was, as we have
said, like the eve of a battle, and every new spectator who appeared to
judge of the pretensions of the combatants increased the commotion.
Perhaps at another moment Laurie would have felt a certain oppression in
a day which was so exciting for all his friends and so indifferent to
himself; but now he had a shield against any such sentiment. He got up
that morning with something of the lassitude of a man exhausted by great
exertions. The sun was shining, which had been a rarity of late, and the
consternation of the previous night had somehow died out of his mind.
To-day he should see her, that was certain. To-day the sweetness of the
presence of the woman whom he loved would smooth away all perversity of
circumstances, and make rough places seem straight. He had a longing to
see her, to make sure that she at least was the same, notwithstanding
the wonderful change that had taken place in himself, or rather the
wonderful unsuspected revelation he had had of his own sentiments.
Somehow, with such a sympathy as there was between them, she must have
divined, must have been affected by the extraordinary convulsion he had
passed through. The daily impulse to seek her, and lay bare his thoughts
to her, which had become a second nature to him, was mingled now with
the curiosity a young man might have felt to see the person to whom he
had been betrothed in his cradle, but had never seen. In a manner,
Laurie had never seen this lady of his affections. When he parted with
her yesterday she had been his friend; now she was his love,--the first
and only woman in the world to him. It was impossible that she could be
the same, look the same, in the face of this amazing change. He hurried
to get one glimpse of her while the morning lasted,--to make
acquaintance with her,--to familiarise himself with her looks and her
ways.
But when Laurie reached the Square he found, alas! that he was not the
only one who had been moved to visit the padrona in the early sunshine.
Miss Hadley was there putting the finishing touches to the room; and so
was Mrs. Suffolk, leaning back in the Louis Quinze chair, laughing and
crying and chattering to the children in the picture as if they had been
real babies. ‘Oh, you darlings!’ the little woman was saying, ‘I wonder
how many people will go on their knees to you when you are out in the
world. But though you are little angels, you are not so nice as your
mother. You are sweet, but not so sweet as our padrona.’ This was the
chatter Laurie heard as he went in. And it gave him a shock which it
would be impossible to describe, when the padrona herself turned round
upon him, palette in hand, smiling and placid and gracious, the very
same woman from whom he had parted yesterday. All the heat and agitation
of suppressed passion might be in his eyes, but in hers there was only
the brightness of every day,--the composure of her usual, ordinary
looks. Nay, as if to emphasize more and more the perfect unity, so far
as she was concerned, of to-day and yesterday, she turned to him with
the very words which, when he left that room last, before heaven and
earth had changed for him, he had fancied her using. ‘Here comes the lob
of spirits,’ said the padrona, ‘and his bowl of cream has not been
placed for him as it ought to have been. Here is Robin Goodfellow, who
does his friends’ work, and never asks even to be praised for it. Where
were you that you never came near us all the night?’
‘Where was I?’ said Laurie. He was too much agitated to tune himself
immediately to the key of his present companions. Fortunately Miss
Hadley was busy arranging his lilies of the valley, and Mrs. Suffolk,
who had sprung up to take him by both his hands, was not sharp-sighted.
He looked over the little woman’s shoulder with dilated eyes, which
looked to the padrona as if he had been up all night, or in some
trouble. ‘I will tell you another time where I was,’ Laurie said, with a
voice full of tender meaning. The padrona gazed at him with wonder
unfeigned. ‘The boy has got into some scrape,’ she said to herself. And
then both the women plunged without drawing breath into the story of the
Angles and Mr. Rich, and Suffolk’s sudden and unhopedfor success.
‘We had given up thinking of it even,’ Mrs. Suffolk cried. ‘I did hope
if the Saxon Maiden got a good place at the Academy----but I never even
hoped for the Angles. Call him the lubber-fiend! when he rushed up to
poor Reginald yesterday, and made him put on his good coat, and did
everything for him, he was more like our guardian angel.’
What was it all about? Laurie had to stop and ask himself, glancing at
them in a kind of consternation. Suffolk’s picture! why that was months
and months ago! What did they mean by bringing that up again? And
before he had recovered himself, the visitors began to arrive. He stood
by her a little, watching, as in a dream, while the padrona shook hands
with her friends, and explained her pictures to them, and received their
plaudits. Yesterday he would have been proud of their universal
admiration; but to-day it made him sick to see her receive such vulgar
homage. He would have liked to take her hand publicly before them all,
and draw it within his arm, and lead her away from such a scene. ‘Do you
think your praise is anything to her?’ he felt himself saying; and then
he took his hat abruptly and disappeared. So far, at least, the
revelation to himself of the nature of his own feelings had not
increased his happiness. And I cannot tell what old Welby meant by
lifting the curtain so rudely from the poor young fellow’s dream;
whether it was done in spite or kindness, or whether it was entirely
unintentional,--a simple expression of his sentiments without any
reference to Laurie,--is what I cannot tell.
The next day was again a day of exhibition, and the day after that was
the one on which Laurie had engaged to go down with Suffolk to Richmont.
He had been very reluctant to go at the time, and it may be supposed how
much more reluctant he was now. It was his own country,--the very
journey in the railway would bring a hundred recollections before him.
His mother and his home would be within reach; but how could he go near
that peaceful place with this agitation in his heart? Two days before he
could have done it, and spoken of the padrona with that tender fervour
which knew no need of concealing itself. Now,--his mother would find him
out in a moment, and so would Mary Westbury. Indeed, it was wonderful to
him that Suffolk did not find him out. So that it would be Saturday
before he could actually see her with any chance of knowing her mind.
I will not enter into the visit to Richmont, which belongs to another
portion of this history and had nothing to do, so to speak, with
Laurie’s life. He got it over, and he got over those three days, but
from Wednesday to Saturday he never entered the house at which he had
hitherto been a daily visitor. He could not go now while she was
surrounded with people, and talk ordinary talk to her as if she was
anybody else. When he saw her, he must see her alone; and accordingly
Laurie denied himself, and passed by her door, and saw others admitted,
and watched the light come into the windows of the great drawing-room,
and shadows appear on the blinds. This curious experience he went
through as well as the rest, and gradually came to forget what was
unusual in the story of his love; though not even now, after three days’
brooding over it, could he see how it was to be, or how she was to
answer what he would have to say.
It was on Saturday morning that at last he made his way to the Square.
It was a holiday, thank heaven, and the children were out in the Park
with their maid, and Alice was at her music when he went in. To-day, at
least, there could be no Miss Hadley. To-day there was no excuse for the
presence of strangers. Somehow the sound of Alice’s piano struck him
with an unpleasant sensation as he went up the stairs almost stealthily,
fearing that a third person might start out from behind some door at the
sound of his step, to mar the interview he sought. Alice was no common
musician, even at her early age; and yet was her daughter. It may be
understood how this consciousness, and the sound of the music the girl
was playing, came in like one of the discords in his strange story. Had
Alice been a child like her little sister, the effect would have been
much lessened; but to love a woman whose daughter sat playing Mozart and
Beethoven! The thought which passed through Laurie’s mind was not
articulate, but yet the sound jarred upon him. Softly he went past the
door. If his love-tale had been for Alice there would have been no
incongruity in it. He went past the room where the young girl in her
meditations sat alone, and knocked softly at the door of the other, in
which her mother was pursuing her occupation. The padrona was not
painting on that particular afternoon. She was standing by the table,
with a portfolio of drawings open before her, searching for something.
She called him to come in, and looked up with a bright look of pleasure
when she saw who it was.
‘You have come at last,’ she said, holding out her hand to him. ‘What
has been wrong? I thought you had forsaken us;’ and looked at him full
in the face with candid, unembarrassed eyes.
‘Nothing has been wrong,’ said Laurie, holding her hand fast. His heart
began to beat, but what could a man say in cold blood with a pair of
frank, steady eyes looking at him, restraining him with their
friendliness? The padrona withdrew her hand without even any appearance
of wonder at his clinging clasp. She was glad to see him. She had wanted
to see him; and new events had come in, effacing from her mind for the
moment her temporary alarm on his account; and she could understand that
he was glad to come back, though his absence had lasted only three days.
‘I was looking over some old sketches,’ she said. ‘I told you of the
commission Mr. Rich had given me; I was looking for a drawing my dear
Harry made some years ago,--you may have seen it,--for Cinderella. It
would be a pleasure to me to go upon that; but I can’t find it in all
those great portfolios,’ she said, with a sigh. Why she should have
brought poor Severn in at that special moment it would have been hard to
say; perhaps it was chance alone; perhaps there was in her some
unconscious warning of nature as to what was coming. Laurie withdrew a
step or two with sudden discomfiture. He hated poor Severn for the
moment as he had never hated any man before.
‘You will do it much better yourself,’ he said, and his tone was such
that the padrona turned and looked at him with wonder in her eyes.
‘How strangely you speak!’ she said; ‘and now I look at you, how
strangely you look, Laurie! What is the matter? I have scarcely seen you
since you were so good to the Suffolks. Something has happened. I heard
from them last night that you had been in the country. Is it anything
about home?’
‘No,’ said Laurie, in a kind of despair, ‘it is nothing about home.’
‘Perhaps it is something you cannot tell me,’ said the padrona, ‘and in
that case never mind my questions; you may be sure of my sympathy
anyhow, even without explanation. If you are vexed, I am sorry; you know
that.’
‘How should I know it?’ said Laurie. ‘Yes, perhaps if I did not tell
you,--if I left it to your imagination,--you are so kind to
everybody,--you would be kind to me. If I did not tell you,--that might
be my safeguard!’ For by this time it had begun to appear to him that
madness itself could not be more mad than his dream.
‘It is strange to hear you speak so to me,’ said Mrs. Severn. ‘I never
thought of being kind to you, as I am kind to everybody. What is it,
Laurie,--tell me?’ And she laid her hand softly on his arm.
Then the young man’s composure and his boldness both abandoned him. He
took her hand and kissed it wildly. ‘Perhaps it would be best to go and
leave you,’ he cried, ‘never to come near you more!’ And then he left
her, and paced up and down the room, trying to master the strange tumult
of his thoughts. Nothing in the world could have disarmed him as her
kindness did, and sympathy. But as he turned away, the padrona came to
herself, or rather came to a recollection of the warning she had
received. In a moment she saw how it was; and, as was natural, in a
moment her anxiety to know what ailed him suddenly came to an end. Mr.
Rich’s commission, which was a great event to Mrs. Severn, had startled
her out of thought of Laurie. His little hieroglyph at the end of his
note had gone almost unnoticed in the excitement of the moment, and
every hour had been occupied since then. But now it all rushed back upon
her, and the error she had been guilty of in asking any questions. If
she had not made this discovery, most likely her sympathetic, kind
unconsciousness would have staved off what was coming. But the moment
she found it out, a thrill of tremulous knowledge came into her voice.
‘Well, never mind,’ she said, hastily; ‘you must not think that I want
to pry into your secrets. Come, I am not working now; let us go to Alice
and hear what she is about. You are pre-occupied,’ said the padrona,
closing her portfolio and talking against time, ‘and I am _désœuvrée_.
Let us go and listen to the child. Come, I will lead the way.’
‘Not yet,’ said Laurie. As soon as she knew the truth she lost her
power, and he recovered a portion at least of his courage. He came and
took her hand and brought her back. ‘Perhaps I may never ask it again,’
he said, ‘but you must listen to me now.’
‘Of course I will listen,’ said Mrs. Severn, much alarmed; ‘but just as
well beside the child as anywhere else. If you have anything to tell me,
she will be too much engaged with her music to hear. Come,--I was going
to her when you came in.’
‘But now you will stay with me,’ said Laurie, leading her back. She was
so much afraid of betraying any signs of trouble, that this time she did
not even withdraw her hand. She sat down in the great chair, growing
pale, but preserving with a great effort her composure, at least in
appearance.
‘This looks very solemn,’ she said, with an attempt at a laugh. ‘What
dreadful tale of misdemeanours has your mother-confessor to hear? Have
you been robbing an orchard, or running away with a lady? I will put the
Suffolks’ story against it, whatever it may be, and grant you
absolution. You never did an hour’s work that will give you more
pleasure than that. I suspect they had been badly off, much more than
they permitted any one to know.’
‘Do you think I care for Suffolk,’ said Laurie, ‘or anybody else?
Padrona! you know what I am going to say before I speak. You have found
it out as well as I. Don’t you know for months back,--since ever I came
here,--there has been but one person in the world for me,--but one!
Whatever I have done, it has been to please you;--whatever I have given
up, it has been for your sake. Night and day I have been thinking of
you,--contriving to get a word from you or a smile. And I tried to make
myself believe I could be content with what you give to your
friends;--but that delusion is over. Padrona mia, what will you do with
me?’ he cried, kneeling down by the arm of her chair.
It never occurred to him that he was kneeling, nor did he intend to
kneel. It was but the most practicable way of getting close to her, and
seeing into her face. There was something of the pleading look of a
child in Laurie’s eyes. He did not make any passionate claim on her, nor
appeal; he only put his fate into her hands, with a humility more like
the diffidence of age than the equality of love.
Then there was a pause. The padrona was too much overwhelmed, too
agitated, to speak. She said--‘For heaven’s sake, Laurie, rise, and do
not break my heart!’ and took away her hand which he was still holding;
but that was no answer,--rather the reverse.
‘Break your heart!’ he said. ‘I would heal every wound it ever had, if I
had the power. I don’t seem to care for anything else in the world. Give
me a right to stand by you, to take care of you. Padrona mia, you cannot
always do all things, as you are doing, for yourself. Let me be the man
to guard you, to labour for you. I don’t know what I am saying, and you
don’t answer me one word,--not one word!’
‘To labour for her, to take care of her!’ Such words to her who was far
better able to protect and care for another than he was. But that was
not the thought that entered her mind. Her eyes filled with tears. To
see this young man at her feet pleading with such passionate folly, woke
all the tenderness in her heart. She was fond of him at all times. She
put her hand caressingly on his head; her voice softened and broke as
she spoke to him.
‘Laurie, I am old enough to be your mother,’ she said.
‘It is not true!’ he cried, with sudden fierceness; ‘and if it were,
what matter? All the happiness I desire in life is in your hands.’
And then the woman, quite melted and overcome, was so weak as to cry,
leaving him to think for the moment that he had won his wild suit. This
love was so strange to her, so new, so old, such a sudden dash of the
sweetness of youth into her sober cup! She was roused by the words that
he began to pour into her ears, and with a little cry of pain drew back
from her lover,--her lover! What a word for such as she to speak! She
put him back with her outstretched hands.
‘Laurie,’ she said, ‘are we mad, both you and I? Do you know what you
are doing? For some moments you have made me as foolish as yourself. But
I am ashamed. Do you know who I am? Harry Severn’s wife,--Alice Severn’s
mother! Yes,--that, and nothing else, so long as this life lasts! Can a
woman make herself into two people? Laurie, let all this be as if it had
never been.’
‘It can never be as if it had not been!’ he cried. ‘For a punctilio, for
a form, for your pride,--you would cast aside a man’s love and life for
that! Padrona! that is no answer. The past has nothing to do between us.
To-day is to-day.’
Mrs. Severn turned upon him, and took his hand in hers. ‘Laurie,’ she
said, ‘let me speak.’ Her eyes were full of tears; her face lighted up
with a tremulous smile. ‘To-day is to-day, as you say. I am very fond of
you. I will say I love you, if you like. Patience, and hear me to an
end. If you go away, I shall miss you every hour; but if my child’s
finger were to ache I should forget your existence, Laurie. A single
hair on their heads is more to me than all the world beside. Do you
understand? My poor Harry is past, if you will. God forgive me for
saying so!--but to-day is so full there is no room in it for any other.
Laurie, I want my friend. I want nothing else;--nothing else that any
man can give.’
The young man stumbled up to his feet with the strongest passion he had
ever known in his life maddening him, as it seemed. His heart was
wounded, and so was his pride, bitterly,--beyond reach of healing. It
was he who drew away from her the hand she had retained in hers, with
kindness which felt to him like an insult.
‘Mrs. Severn, I have made an ass of myself!’ he said. ‘Don’t think of me
any more,--it is not worth your while. As for your friend----’
He went to the table and took up his hat, and made as though he would go
away. He was half blind, and did not see where he was going,--the room
and the house swimming round him in his agitation. His last word had
been said in a tone of contempt,--contempt to her, after all this
passion! The padrona had not moved; she sat looking after him with her
eyes full of tears and her hands clasped. Was it all to end and be over
like this,--like a bad dream? But poor Laurie had not hardness enough in
him to make such a conclusion. He faltered on his way to the door; he
turned round, only half conscious of what he was doing, to look once
more at the woman who had become the life of his life. And she, on her
part, made a half-conscious movement of her hands towards him. He went
back to her, and threw himself again at her feet. I don’t suppose
anything was said,--at least, anything that either recollected. They
kissed each other with that strange refinement of anguish which belongs
to those movements of human affection which are beyond the simplicity of
nature. The two beings met and clung together for a moment, and parted.
He was speeding along the streets, half wild, wrapt in a mist of
excitement and misery, not caring,--as he thought,--what became of him,
before the steady hand of the clock had moved two minutes farther on.
And she, in the great chair where her visitors used to sit and criticise
her work, lay back, trembling, with her face hidden in her hands.
Alice, meanwhile, had played through Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, the
pure, young soul carried away by it into a celestial dream; nothing
articulate in her mind,--soft breathings of blessedness present, of joy
to come, making an atmosphere around her,--a sacred creature, without a
single discord in her, or jar of pain or trouble. And old Welby in his
studio in the leisure of the moment,--his pictures gone to the Academy,
and his year’s work completed,--mounted, classified, and made a
catalogue of his Titians, with the truest satisfaction and content,
thinking no more of what he had said three days before to Laurie Renton
than of last year’s snow. The old painter and the young girl pursued
their serene occupations under the same roof while this scene was going
on, and knew no more than that the door had opened and closed abruptly,
when poor Laurie, with all his wounds fresh and bleeding, rushed out
into the outer world.