A DISCOVERY.
When Laurie reached No. 375 with his budget of news, the padrona was
out! It was nothing very dreadful to be sure. She did go out sometimes,
like everybody else; and in all likelihood no very long time would
elapse before she returned. But, all the same, Laurie was intensely
_contrarié_, and felt as if this were a special spite of fortune. She
must have known he would come to make his report of what had happened at
Suffolk’s, and to inquire into the news she had given him as he left the
house. A beautiful commission,--work for a year! That was what she had
said. And then, without any regard for his curiosity, his interest in
everything that concerned her, she had gone out! He went up to the
studio to wait for her, passing the door of the dining-room very quietly
that Miss Hadley might not hear him, and rush in with her usual
officiousness to make one of the party. At this moment, after all his
excitement, he did not feel equal to general talk with three or four
people. It was the intimate conversation _à deux_ for which Laurie
longed. Never had he seen the studio in such preternatural good order
before. The pictures that were going to the Academy were placed all
ready for exhibition, each on its separate easel; a few touches were
still wanting to one of them, but that it was evident the padrona had
calculated upon doing with the morning light, before her visitors began
to arrive. The Louis Quinze fauteuil was placed in front of the
principal picture; a great Turkish curtain of many colours, one of poor
Severn’s acquisitions in the days when he was rich enough to buy things
that pleased his eye, had been put up across the farther window, to be
drawn as might be needful for the light. A great many sketches were
placed about the room,--poor Severn’s last drawing, unfinished, but
always holding the chief place among his wife’s treasures, hanging in
the best light. And everything was cleared away that impaired the
appearance of the studio, a proceeding which gave positive delight to
the housemaid, and even filled the padrona’s soul with a sense of
comfort. ‘If I could only keep it tidy like this!’ Mrs. Severn had said,
with a sigh. Whereas Laurie, with the untidiness natural to man, was
disgusted with it, and hated the place in its unusual decorum. He walked
about with his hands in his pockets, and stared blankly at everything.
What did she mean by going away? What did she mean by putting herself,
as it were, out of her studio, and filling it up with knickknacks that
did not belong to it? As for poor Severn’s last sketch, it was not a
drawing for a woman to be proud of. She might have known that at least
by this time. It might be valuable to her for the sake of association,
of course,--anything, a table, or a chair, might be dear for
association’s sake,--but she must have known better than to prize it as
a drawing. And then Laurie went and looked at the picture, which smiled
sweetly at him out of its frame, full of sweet nature and expression,
but undeniably wanting a few finishing touches still. How could she go
out roaming about in that strange way, and leave the picture unfinished?
Laurie in his heart was angry with his padrona. It was not like her to
go out and stay out like this,--doing shopping perhaps!--which any woman
without an ounce of brains could have done just as well;--which Miss
Hadley might have been sent to do: getting her out of the way at the
same time! Laurie in his impatience hunted up his friend’s brushes, and
mixed her colours, and went at the unfinished picture himself to fill up
those tedious moments. There was a pleasure, too, in thinking he would
have a hand in it; not that there was anything of the least importance
to do;--a touch of light upon the floor, a bit of perspective which was
not quite complete. When he had put in a few lines caressingly, with a
half sense that it was her hand, or her dress, or something belonging to
her that he was touching, another fit of impatience came upon him.
Where could she have gone? What could she be doing? It was of no use
waiting here, making himself angry in her absence. He might as well go
and see old Welby, and leave her to the surprise of finding that some
one had been doing her work while she was out. Of course if she came in,
Miss Hadley would be with her, or Alice, or somebody. Laurie accordingly
put down the brushes again, restoring the room to something of its
ordinary aspect, and took up his hat and went down-stairs. ‘She will
think of the lubber-fiend,’ said Laurie to himself; ‘and I wonder if she
will put me a bowl of cream for my hire.’ Would the bowl of cream answer
the purpose? or was there any other hire of which Laurie thought? There
came a little gleam over his face, and the shadow of a smile; but I do
not think it was in anticipation of anything in particular, only a
certain pleasant sentiment, half tenderness, half amusement. Laurie was
the kind of man whose eye softens and whose lip smiles under any
circumstances at the thought of a reward from a woman. It was as he went
down-stairs that he noticed for the first time the film of cobweb on his
coat beside the flower,--and he left it there, though he was very dainty
in point of personal appearance. Perhaps he thought it was a mark of the
work he had been doing, which the padrona would smile to see; or,
perhaps, that her hand was the hand which should brush it off.
With these ideas in his mind he went down-stairs, possessed by a kind of
sweet love-in-idleness; not the passion of a young man for a girl; a
tenderness made up of many things,--of that soft reverence just touched
with pity, which a man of generous temper has for a woman in such a
position; and yet pity is not the word,--or else it was a kind of pity
in which there was all the softness and none of the superiority which
usually mingles with that sentiment; and of admiration for the brave
creature who had gradually grown the central figure in his landscape;
and of a longing to help her; and of pride in the regard she gave him
and the sympathy between them. There was perfect sympathy between them,
though he had never, Laurie thought, seen any woman worthy to stand by
her side. This was part of his delusion, for there were women as good,
and with far greater gifts than the padrona, to be met with in the
world. But still it was not wonderful if the young man was proud of her
friendship. Friendship,--that was the word; with no result to come, no
thickening of the plot towards a climax; but only a delicious
accompaniment to life, an interchange of every thought and sentiment, a
soft but strong support in every chance that might befall a man. This
was all that was in Laurie’s mind. It was something more akin to
worship than the passion which appropriates can ever be. It had not
occurred to him to seize, to take possession of, to secure her as his
own; the idea itself would have been a profanity; only to be nearer to
her than any one else, to be her subject and yet her counsellor; an
indescribable perfect relationship such as exists only in imagination.
Laurie himself had never gone any deeper. The padrona’s life and
condition were to him as settled and everlasting as the skies, the
ordinary constitution of the world. And all would go on as it was going
on. And at the present moment he would not have exchanged that visionary
tie for anything actual in life.
Mr. Welby was standing before his picture when Laurie went in, looking
at it with that intense inspection of the cultivated eye, which no
uneducated critic can give. He held out his hand to his visitor, but did
not change his attitude. Welby, R.A., had his anxieties about the
Academy’s Exhibition as well as another. True, his picture was sure of a
place on ‘the line,’ and every advantage a benign Hanging Committee
could give it; but there were other dangers before the face of the
Academician from which the younger men were safe. Mr. Welby knew that if
there was a faltering line in his canvas, or one neglected detail, even
the critics who were his friends would say he was growing old. ‘It
would ill become us, who are indebted to Mr. Welby for so many noble
pictures, to be eager to mark the indications of approaching decadence;
but, alas! no man can remain of primitive strength for ever,’ would be
the philosophical comment of the ‘Looker-on.’ And the ‘Sword’ would be
still sharper in its judgment. Such words as these were echoing in the
old painter’s ear as he looked at his picture. He was aware he was old,
and life had no such charm to him that he should cling to it
unduly,--but such criticisms were hard to bear. He was going over the
picture himself, criticising its every detail, and he held up his hand
with an unspoken warning to Laurie, who understood, as he had a faculty
of doing, and waited behind till the inspection was over.
‘I think that will do,’ said Mr. Welby at last, with a long and
deeply-drawn sigh. ‘Come here, Renton, and give me your opinion.’ Laurie
was full of the natural instinct of admiring and believing in the work
of the old man,--who was leader and patriarch, as it were, of his own
special party;--and, besides, it was a fine picture, and he thought it
so, though very different no doubt from Suffolk’s ‘Saxon Maiden,’ or
from the lovely children in the padrona’s pictures upstairs. Art, to be
the everlasting thing it is, is as yet as much bound by fashion as any
silly woman. The fashion of the day had changed; but yet old Welby’s
picture was a fine picture still.
‘I don’t want those fellows to be picking holes in my coat,’ said the
R.A., ‘though of course they will do it all the same.’
‘I don’t see what holes there are to pick,’ said Laurie, strong in his
_esprit de corps_, and ready to swear to the excellence of his master in
contradiction of all the critics in the world. ‘We have just sold
Suffolk’s picture,’ he added suddenly, glad to deliver himself of the
wonderful news, which had been burning holes, as it were, for want of
utterance, in his heart.
‘Sold Suffolk’s picture!’ the Academician said with a start. It was the
most wonderful piece of news that had been heard in the artists’ quarter
for many a year. For no man had gone so consistently in the face of
popular opinion as Suffolk, or held so obstinately by his own style.
Laurie, nothing loth, told the whole story, with excitement and a
natural satisfaction; and how it was old Rich, the City man, who was
well known to be the padrona’s special property. And as he told it he
looked down upon the bit of cobweb, by this time gone to the merest
speck,--the sign in that particular matter, of his close partnership
with the padrona,--which was still on his coat.
‘So she sent him her own patron?’ said Mr. Welby; ‘that was good of her,
Renton,--that was very good of her. To be sure, he had just given her a
commission. I suppose you heard of that. A private patron is a great
institution, my dear fellow,--there is more satisfaction in it than in
dealers. He has given her a commission to fill one room with pictures.
There are to be twelve of them I think, and the subjects from the fairy
tales. She’ll do it very well. She has wonderful invention, you know, in
her way, and Cinderella and little Red Riding Hood, and all the rest
will just suit her; and there is a year’s living secured at once. I am
sorry for that woman, Renton. I am more sorry for her than I can tell,’
cried the R.A., with unquestionable emotion in his voice.
‘Sorry for--the padrona?’ cried Laurie, half laughing, half angry. He
would have liked to have knocked down the man who presumed,--and yet to
be sorry for that hopeful, dauntless woman, so full of life, and
strength, and energy, seemed too good a joke.
‘Yes, sorry for her,’ said Mr. Welby, severely, ‘though you don’t know
what I mean, of course. She is at her best now, and I suppose she is
making a good deal of money; but look at her principles, sir. Her
principles are,--you need not contradict me, I know her better than you
do,--never to shut her heart nor her purse against anybody she can help.
What kind of an idea is that, I ask you, for this world? Of course, she
can’t lay by a penny; and when the fellows in the newspapers begin to
say of her as they say already of me----’
‘But you!’ cried Laurie, ‘you----’ and then he stopped, not knowing how
to end his sentence.
‘I am old, that is what you were going to say,’ said Mr. Welby. ‘I am
two-and-twenty years older than she is,--just two-and-twenty years. It’s
almost as long as you have been in the world, my dear fellow, and you
think it’s centuries; but two-and-twenty years pass very quickly after
thirty-five. And she’ll age sooner than I did,--never having been, you
know, so thoroughly trained a painter. Her quick eye will fail her, and
her fine touch, and she will not have knowledge and experience to fall
back upon; and the public will tire of those pretty pictures. Her genius
will pall, and then her courage will fail, though she has pluck at
present for anything. Do you think I’ve never seen such things happen?
If she has ten years more of success it will be all she can hope for;
and the boys will scarcely be doing for themselves by that time; and she
will have to reduce her living, which will go sadly against the grain,
and struggle with all sorts of anxieties. When I look at that woman,
sir, my heart bleeds. It’s all very pleasant just now,--plenty of work
and plenty of strength, and a light heart, and her friends round her,
and her children; and she feels she is up to her work,--knows she is up
to her work. But when they come to say of her what they are beginning to
say of me----’
Laurie raised his hand with a speechless protest and denial of the
possibility, but the words he would have spoken died in his throat. What
could he say against this prophet of evil?--only that every pulse in him
and every nerve thrilled fiercely at the suggestion;--and that was no
answer, heaven knows.
‘Even if she did keep on long enough to get the boys launched in the
world,’ said Mr. Welby, who seemed, Laurie thought, to take a certain
pleasure in the torture he was inflicting,--‘what is to become of her
afterwards, unless she were to die off-hand, which is not likely? People
don’t die at the convenient moment. Most likely she’ll linger for years,
poor, and old, and unable to work, on some pittance or other,--lucky if
she has that. It’s hard upon such a woman, Renton. I tell you, when I
look at that fine creature and think what’s before her, it makes my
heart bleed.’
‘But, good heavens! why should you imagine such things?’ cried Laurie,
when he could speak. ‘Of course we may all go mad, or get ruined, or
perish miserably,--one as well as another;--but to forebode such a fate
for her----’
‘I said nothing about getting ruined or going mad,’ said Mr. Welby,
pettishly. ‘I said Mrs. Severn would outlive her market,--ay, and
outlive her powers,--and that my heart ached for her, poor thing! I
declare to you, Laurie, my heart so aches for her, that if I thought she
could make up her mind to it, I would marry her to-morrow,--though it
would break in upon all my habits,’ said the R.A., sinking his voice,
‘in a most annoying way.’
‘Marry--her--to-morrow!’ cried Laurie, and he made a step towards the
old painter with a savage impulse which he could scarcely restrain. He
was wild with sudden passion. ‘Marry her!’ It was hard to tell what kept
him from raising the hand which he had clenched in spite of himself. But
he did not, though it was a courageous thing of old Welby to keep facing
the young fellow with that sudden transport of fury in his eye.
‘Yes,’ he said, calmly. ‘I am getting old, and I have saved a little
money, and I have no near relations. If I thought she could make up her
mind to it, I would ask her to marry me to-morrow. I have thought of it
often. For her sake, that is what I would do.’
Laurie made no answer; he walked away from the old man to the very end
of the studio, and stood there staring at the Angelichino which stood
against the wall. His blood seemed to be boiling in all his veins, and
his heart throbbing as if it would burst. Why should he be angry? Why
should he object to old Welby for his desire to shield the padrona from
even a possible evil? But Laurie’s mind was in too great a ferment to
permit him to think articulately. He did not understand what was the
meaning of the sudden tumult within him,--the sharp shock which his
nature seemed to have sustained. To get away and be alone was the
immediate necessity upon him. If he could have gone through the wall, or
leaped out of the window, probably he would have done it. But that being
impossible, he composed himself as well as he could, and returned to
where old Welby stood calmly, taking no notice of him, looking once more
at his picture. At the sight of the old man’s tranquillity Laurie felt
ashamed of himself.
‘I suppose my nerves are more easily affected than most people’s,’ he
said, with an attempt at a laugh. ‘I can’t think of all those dreadful
things happening,--to--the padrona,--and take it calmly. Good-night! I
must go now.’
‘If such a thing as I said should ever happen,’ said Welby, shaking
hands with him,--‘I may as well warn you,--I’d have no more padronas.
How poor Severn put up with it is more than I can say.’
This parting speech sent Laurie forth in a renewed tempest of rage and
indignation. He had meant to return up-stairs after his visit to old
Welby, but that was now impossible. He had let himself out, and closed
the door sharply behind him, before old Forrester could make his
appearance. Daylight by this time was beginning to fail, and the lamps
were being lit along the street, twinkling across the Square through the
smoky trees, which were swelling with the fulness of spring. The look of
the outside world as he came thus suddenly into it,--the tall,
glimmering houses,--the lamps like candies in the pale, waning
daylight,--the trees all bristling with half-opened leaves, and the sky,
leaden yet light, with its remoteness, and colourless serenity, looking
down upon all, never went out of Laurie’s mind. He forgot all his
displeasure at her absence, all his wondering where she was. He did not
even look if she might be coming, or remember that he might meet her
suddenly face to face so near her own door. His mind was too full of her
idea to remember herself, if we may say so. He went round and round the
Square without any particular sense of where he was going, and then took
the first street, any street,--what did it matter?--and got out into a
crowded thoroughfare, where lights were gleaming, and men hurrying, and
every sound and stir of life. It was a long time before he could even
make out his own thoughts, what they were. All was dimness and chaos and
commotion, like the scene around at first; lights gleaming, cries coming
out of the obscurity,--a tumult he could not comprehend. Then by degrees
the clouds rolled off, each to its own corner; the foreground cleared,
the central figure reappeared. What was it? Laurie stood still for a
moment, and looked himself, as it were, in the face, aghast. He had not
so much as suspected it till now. She had been his friend; nothing so
tender, nothing so near, had ever been in his life; yet he had not
dreamed what the truth was until old Welby, with his detestable
suggestion, had thrust it thus unveiled in his face.
And Laurie stood aghast. It may injure him in some people’s eyes, yet I
cannot but avow that when the young man found that he loved a woman much
older than himself,--a woman with children, and a separate, independent
past, with twice his experience, and,--metaphorically at least,--twice
his age,--he was appalled by the discovery. He had known her another
man’s wife; he had himself been as a child beside her in the first days
of their acquaintance. There was less difference in point of age between
himself and her daughter than between himself and her; and yet he loved
her. No, it was not friendship. Friendship would not have resented hotly
and wildly, with a half-murderous passion, old Welby’s suggestion.
Friendship would not have moved any man’s heart into such a mad
commotion. He loved her. That it never had occurred to himself to change
the relationship between them, or seek a closer one, was nothing.
Another man had but to talk of marrying her, and lo! the whole world was
lit into conflagration. There was a sweetness in the discovery too. His
heart warmed and glowed in that fire; words which he but half understood
went whispering through the air about him,--‘There is none like her;
none.’ No girl, no young heroine of romance, could be such a creature as
was this woman, tried, and proved, and developed, with all the
sweetness in her still, and yet all the strength of life. If he had been
proud of her regard, proud of her sympathy, how much more proud would he
be of her love! If that were possible! Could it be possible? Going on in
this distracted range of thoughts, the fact gleamed upon Laurie that no
girl could make such sacrifice of pride and natural position in loving
him as this woman should,--if she would; and was it likely? It would be
as vain to attempt to follow him in the maze of passion that possessed
him, as in the streets he wound his way through, while the night
darkened round him, and the lights shone brighter. A storm of thunder
and lightning might have been going on, and he would never have known
it. Such a thing had befallen as he had never dreamt of. The soft love
which he had put aside with a pang of tender regret as a thing
impossible,--too sweet for him and too costly,--had come back at
unawares, and come in and taken possession, no longer soft and easy to
be vanquished, but twined in with every thread of life. It was so easy
to come away from Kensington Gore,--from the world he had lived in for
years,--from the pensive-pleasant hopes of his youth; but to leave this
place, which had not an attraction but one, would be tearing up his life
by the roots. This was the fact, though he had not known it. Wonder, and
terror, and delight, and a vague overwhelming dismay, filled Laurie’s
mind as he found himself standing thus after the earthquake, with the
solid ground rent under his very feet. There were flowers growing still,
so sweet that he was intoxicated with their breath; but yet there had
been an earthquake, and the sober soil was torn with that convulsion. He
walked and walked, charged with those thoughts, till he got to the very
skirts of far-reaching London, and came to himself in a gloomy, suburban
road. It was the rain falling in his face out of the almost invisible
skies that roused him first, and then he had to grope his way back to a
thoroughfare and get a cab, and go home. When he reached his room and
looked at himself in the little glass over the mantel-piece he saw a
pale apparition, with gleaming eyes and a visionary smile; appalled,
shaken to the very depths of his being, and yet with a subtle happiness
at his heart. He was happier, and more bewildered and utterly astray in
all his reckonings, than he had ever been in his life.