Between Mortimer and us yawns a great gulf, bridged by many flights of
stairs. Even on the illuminated board at the foot of the lowest stairs
we still keep our distance, but with this difference, that while
Mortimer's position in the world is higher than mine, on the board I
stand above him by as many names as there are stairs between us.
Mortimer first floated into my orbit one day when we both met in the
porter's lodge to complain about the dustbin. Even after this I should
have gone contentedly down to my grave with no further knowledge of
the man than that he had a wife and four children. I knew that because
I heard him tell the porter so.
One evening after dinner--it seems now many moons ago--Clara, our
lady-help, threw open the drawing-room door and in startled tones
announced Mr. and Mrs. Mortimer. Prompt to the word of command in they
marched, followed by the four youthful Mortimers. Each of these latter
clutched a sponge-bag and an elusive bundle of flannel, and in the
background loomed the Mortimer maid-of-all-work.
Mortimer began to talk immediately and said that of course we had seen
the War Office order that on the first sound of guns all Londoners
were to make for the cellars. Mrs. Mortimer was certain she had heard
firing and that the Zeppelin raid had begun, so, like good citizens,
the family had hastened to comply with the regulations.
"We shan't put you to any inconvenience," said Mortimer volubly. "The
children can curl up in the spare room and my wife and I will do with
a shake-down in the passage. In time of war one must be prepared for
discomfort. Think of the poor fellows in the trenches."
Here Mrs. Mortimer murmured something inarticulate.
"Oh, yes, of course," Mortimer assented, "Emma must be made
comfortable."
All this time my wife and I had not been able to say a word,
Mortimer's plausibility and the spectacle of the four little Mortimers
and their sponge-bags having robbed us of speech and thought. Jane was
the first to find her voice, and managed to gasp out that we had heard
no guns.
"You wouldn't, of course, in the--er--down here," said Mortimer. I was
glad to notice him hesitate this time over the word "cellar" as
applied to our artistic home.
"I know exactly what you are thinking," he went on kindly; "it is
embarrassing to discuss household arrangements in public," and with a
flourish of his arm, he marshalled his family and swept them out of
the room, carefully shutting the door behind him.
Jane and I gazed awestruck at each other.
"We can't turn them away," said my wife. "Those five pairs of eyes
would haunt me all night (Mortimer's and Emma's were, I presume, the
ones omitted), and if the Zeppelins _did_ come to-night how awful we
should feel."
"We must be firm about it being only for to-night, then," I said. "We
must consider Kate." (Kate is our cat.)
So it was arranged that we should give up our room and that Emma
should share with Clara. I found the Mortimer family sitting in a
crowded row on the antique bench in the hall, like players at
dumb-crambo waiting for the word. Briefly I told them it was "stay."
They all jumped up; Mortimer shook me cordially by the hand, and I
believe Mrs. Mortimer kissed my wife.
True to the compact the refugees departed next morning, and we saw the
last little Mortimer disappear upwards with unmixed relief. They were
all back again, however, the following evening, this time encumbered
with more articles towards "camping out." The expression was
Mortimer's, not mine.
On the fourth evening Mortimer took me aside and told me
confidentially that he could see this state of things was telling on
us as much as on them, and that he thought the best plan would be for
our two households to "chum together" while the Zeppelin menace
lasted. (What fool said the war was going to last three years?) Never
waiting for a reply, Mortimer went on to say that it really would not
be so much trouble as it seemed at the first shock. He and I would be
out all day, which would even up the numbers, and Emma would, of
course, help. I much resented being estimated as equal to
three-and-a-half Mortimers and had no delusions about Emma's
helpfulness, but Mortimer's volubility had its usual stupefying
effect. He carried the motion to his own satisfaction, and my wife
told me that I behaved like an idiot.
We stood three days of this lunatic _ménage_. Every evening on
returning from office I found more alien belongings blocking up my
home. Mortimer boots strewed the scullery, their coats smothered the
hat-stand, their toothbrushes filled the bathroom. Clara is a
noble-hearted girl, but there was menace in her glance, and my wife
was ageing before my eyes. Kate too had left us.
On the third evening when I came home I found a note sticking in the
hall clothes-brush. "Meet me in the pantry," it said. I flew to the
rendezvous, where Jane received me with her finger on her lip.
Dragging me in, she managed with difficulty to close the door--our
pantry is what you might call bijou--and, leaning against the sink,
she unburdened her mind.
"I have an idea," she hissed. "Overcome by superior numbers, _we must_
evacuate the position. Better one Zeppelin once than six Mortimers for
ever. Let us take possession of their flat, as they have of ours."
It was a masterly and superb idea, worthy of the brain from which it
sprang. We hastened to impart it to the Mortimers, who were sitting
over the drawing-room fire reading my evening paper. They were much
touched. Mortimer said he should never forgive himself if we were
killed by bombs, and Mrs. Mortimer said it made all the difference our
not having children.
We have now been settled for some time in Mortimer's flat, and in many
ways prefer it to our own; in fact we shall be quite content to remain
here as long as Mortimer continues to pay the rent. We found Kate
already installed. The sagacious animal evidently adds prophetic
instinct to her other gifts. When she makes a decided move downstairs
we shall prepare for hostile aircraft.
* * * * *