I had a narrer scape from the sonny South. "The swings and
arrers of outrajus fortin," alluded to by Hamlick, warn't
nothin in comparison to my trubles. I come pesky near swearin
sum profane oaths more'n onct, but I hope I didn't do it, for
I've promist she whose name shall be nameless (except that her
initials is Betsy J.) that I'll jine the Meetin House at
Baldinsville, jest as soon as I can scrape money enuff
together so I can 'ford to be piuss in good stile, like my
welthy nabers. But if I'm confisticated agin I'm fraid I
shall continner on in my present benited state for sum time.
I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in my tower
from Montgomry to my humsted, and on sevril occasions I
thought "the grate komick paper" wouldn't be inriched no more
with my lubrications. Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson D. I
started for the depot. I saw a nigger sittin on a fence a
playin on a banjo, "My Afrikan Brother," sed I, coting from a
Track I onct red, "you belong to a very interestin race. Your
masters is goin to war excloosively on your account."
"Yes, boss," he replied, "an' I wish 'em honorable graves!"
and he went on playin the banjo, larfin all over and openin
his mouth wide enuff to drive in an old-fashioned 2 wheeled
chaise.
The train of cars in which I was to trust my wallerable life,
was the scaliest, rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that I
ever saw on wheels afore. "What time does this string of
second-hand coffins leave?" I inquired of the depot master.
He sed direckly, and I went in & sot down. I hadn't more'n
fairly squatted afore a dark lookin man with a swinister
expression onto his countenance entered the cars, and lookin
very sharp at me, he axed what was my principles?
"Secesh!" I ansered. "I'm a Dissoluter. I'm in favor of Jeff
Davis, Bowregard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard, Munro
Edards, the devil, Mrs. Cunningham and all the rest of 'em."
"You're in favor of the war?"
"Certingly. By all means. I'm in favor of this war and also
of the next war. I've been in favor of the next war for over
sixteen years!"
"War to the knife!" sed the man.
"Blud, Eargo, Blud!" sed I, tho them words isn't orrigernal
with me, them words was rit by Shakspeare, who is ded. His
mantle fell onto the author of "The Seven Sisters," who's goin
to hav a Spring overcoat made out of it.
We got under way at larst, an' proceeded on our jerney at
about the rate of speed which is ginrally obsarved by
properly-conducted funeral processions. A hansum yung gal,
with a red musketer bar on the back side of her hed, and a
sassy little black hat tipt over her forrerd, sot in the seat
with me. She wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat,
and she was a goin for to see her troo love, who had jined the
Southern army, all so bold and gay. So she told me. She was
chilly and I offered her my blanket.
"Father livin?" I axed.
"Yes, sir."
"Got any Uncles?"
"A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho."
"Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to him! I will be
your Uncle Thomas! Lean on me, my pretty Secesher, and linger
in Blissful repose!" She slept as secoorly as in her own
housen, and didn't disturb the sollum stillness of the night
with 'ary snore!
At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and
inquired if "Old Wax Works" was on bored. That was the
disrespectiv stile in which they referred to me. "Becawz if
Old Wax Works is on bored," sez a man with a face like a
double-breasted lobster, "we're going to hang Old Wax Works!"
"My illustrious and patriotic Bummers!" sez I, a gittin up and
takin orf my Shappo, "if you allude to A. Ward, it's my
pleasin dooty to inform you that he's ded. He saw the error
of his ways at 15 minutes parst 2 yesterday, and stabbed
hisself with a stuffed sled-stake, dyin in five beautiful
tabloos to slow moosic! His last words was: 'My perfeshernal
career is over! I jerk no more!'"
"And who be you?"
"I'm a stoodent in Senator Benjamin's law offiss. I'm going
up North to steal some spoons and things for the Southern
Army."
This was satisfactory and the intossicated troopers went orf.
At the next station the pretty little Secessher awoke and sed
she must git out there. I bid her a kind adoo and giv her sum
pervisions. "Accept my blessin and this hunk of ginger bred!"
I sed. She thankt me muchly and tript galy away. There's
considerable human nater in a man, and I'm afraid I shall
allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me in
the shape of a nice young gal.
At the next station I didn't get orf so easy. I was dragged
out of the cars and rolled in the mud for several minits, for
the purpose of "takin the conseet out of me," as a Secesher
kindly stated.
I was let up finally, when a powerful large Secesher came up
and embraced me, and to show that he had no hard feelins agin
me, put his nose into my mouth. I returned the compliment by
placin my stummick suddenly agin his right foot, when he
kindly made a spittoon of his able-bodied face. Actooated by
a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxinated I then
fastened my teeth onto his left coat-sleeve and tore it to the
shoulder. We then vilently bunted out heads together for a
few minutes, danced around a little, and sot down in a
mudpuddle. We riz to our feet agin and by a sudden and adroit
movement I placed my left eye agin the Secesher's fist. We
then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a two-hoss
wagon. I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about gettin
up agin, but the man sed he reckoned I'd better, and I
conclooded I would. He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin on my
feet more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit me in
the hed. The crowd sed it was high old sport, but I couldn't
zackly see where the lafture come in. I riz and we embraced
agin. We careered madly to a steep bank, when I got the upper
hands of my antaggernist and threw him into the raveen. He
fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone pretty hard. I
understood he was injured. I haven't heard from the
grindstone.
A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a
apology was doo me. There was a mistake. The crowd had taken
me for another man! I told him not to mention it, and axed
him if his wife and little ones was so as to be about, and got
on bored the train, which had stopped at that station "20
minits for refreshments." I got all I wantid. It was the
hartiest meal I ever et.
I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire
crackers bein tied to my coat tales. It was a fine spectycal
in a dramatic pint of view, but I didn't enjoy it. I had
other adventers of a startlin kind, but why continner? Why
lasserate the Public Boozum with these here things? Suffysit
to say I got across Mason & Dixie's line safe at last. I made
tracks for my humsted, but she to whom I'm harnist for life
failed to recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before
her, the gushin youth of forty-six summers who had left her
only a few months afore. But I went into the pantry, and
brought out a certin black bottle. Raisin it to my lips, I
sed "Here's to you, old gal!" I did it so natral that she
knowed me at once. "Those form! Them voice! That natral
stile of doin things! 'Tis he!" she cried, and rushed into my
arms. It was too much for her & she fell into a swoon. I cum
very near swoundin myself.
No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union,
and the bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her present
bad fix.