You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these many dase
gone and past. Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the Tomb of
the Cappylets, tho I don't know what those is. It's a popler
noospaper frase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here I've been
among the Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by my legitimit
perfeshun, and havn't had no time to weeld my facile quill for
"the Grate Komick paper," if you'll allow me to kote from your
troothful advertisement.
My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrer scape of my
life. If what I've bin threw is "Suthren hosspitality," 'bout
which we've hearn so much, then I feel bound to obsarve that
they made two much of me. They was altogether two lavish with
their attenshuns.
I went amung the Seseshers with no feelins of annermosity. I
went in my perfeshernal capacity. I was actooated by one of
the most Loftiest desires which can swell the human Buzzum,
viz.:--to giv the peeple their money's worth, by showin them
Sagashus Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to say air
onsurpast by any other statoots anywheres. I will not call
that man who sez my statoots is humbugs a lier and a hoss
thief, but bring him be4 me and I'll wither him with one of my
scornful frowns.
But to proseed with my tail. In my travels threw the Sonny
South I heared a heap of talk about Seceshon and bustin up the
Union, but I didn't think it mounted to nothin. The
politicians in all the villages was swearin that Old Abe
(sometimes called the Prahayrie flower) shouldn't never be
noggerated. They also made fools of theirselves in varis
ways, but as they was used to that I didn't let it worry me
much, and the Stars and Stripes continued for to wave over my
little tent. Moor over, I was a Son of Malty and a member of
several other Temperance Societies, and my wife she was a
Dawter of Malty, an I sposed these fax would secoor me the
infloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. Alas! I
was dispinted. State arter State seseshed and it growed
hotter and hotter for the undersined. Things came to a
climbmacks in a small town in Alabamy, where I was premtorally
ordered to haul down the Stars & Stripes. A deppytashun of
red-faced men cum up to the door of my tent ware I was standin
takin money (the arternoon exhibishun had commenst, an' my
Italyun organist was jerkin his sole-stirrin chimes.) "We air
cum, Sir," said a millingtary man in a cockt hat, "upon a hi
and holy mishun. The Southern Eagle is screamin threwout this
sunny land--proudly and defiantly screamin, Sir!"
"What's the matter with him?" sez I; "don't his vittles sit
well on his stummick?"
"That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all over this Brite
and tremenjus land!"
"Wall, let him SCREAM. If your Eagle can amuse hisself by
screamin, let him went!" The men anoyed me, for I was Bizzy
makin change.
"We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of dooty--"
"You're right, Capting. It's every man's dooty to visit my
show," said I.
"We air cum--"
"And that's the reason you are here!" sez I, larfin one of my
silvery larfs. I thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv him sum
of my sparklin eppygrams.
"Sir, you're inserlent. The plain question is, will you haul
down the Star-Spangled Banner, and hist the Southern flag!"
"Nary hist!" Those was my reply.
"Your wax works and beests is then confisticated, & you air
arrested as a Spy!"
Sez I, "My fragrant roses of the Southern clime and Bloomin
daffodils, what's the price of whisky in this town, and how
many cubic feet of that seductive flooid can you individooally
hold?"
They made no reply to that, but said my wax figgers was
confisticated. I axed them if that was ginerally the stile
among thieves in that country, to which they also made no
reply, but said I was arrested as a Spy, and must go to
Montgomry in iuns. They was by this time jined by a large
crowd of other Southern patrits, who commenst hollerin "Hang
the baldheaded aberlitionist, and bust up his immoral
exhibition!" I was ceased and tied to a stump, and the crowd
went for my tent--that water-proof pavilion, wherein
instruction and amoosment had been so muchly combined, at 15
cents per head--and tore it all to pieces. Meanwhile dirty-
faced boys was throwin stuns and empty beer bottles at my
massiv brow, and takin other improper liberties with my
person. Resistance was useless, for a varity of reasons, as I
readily obsarved.
The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smashin them to
attums. They then went to my money box and confisticated all
the loose change therein contaned. They then went and bust in
my cages, lettin all the animils loose, a small but helthy
tiger among the rest. This tiger has a excentric way of
tearin dogs to peaces, and I allers sposed from his gineral
conduck that he'd hav no hesitashun in servin human beins in
the same way if he could get at them. Excuse me if I was
crooil, but I larfed boysterrusly when I see that tiger spring
in among the people. "Go it, my sweet cuss!" I inardly
exclaimed. "I forgive you for bitin off my left thum with all
my heart! Rip 'em up like a bully tiger whose Lare has bin
inwaded by Seseshers!"
I can't say for certain that the tiger serisly injured any of
them, but as he was seen a few days after, sum miles distant,
with a large and well selected assortment of seats of trowsis
in his mouth, and as he lookt as tho he'd been havin sum
vilent exercise, I rayther guess he did. You will therefore
perceive that they didn't confisticate him much.
I was carried to Montgomry in iuns and placed in durans vial.
The jail was a ornery edifiss, but the table was librally
surplied with Bakin an Cabbidge. This was a good variety, for
when I didn't hanker after Bakin I could help myself to the
cabbige.
I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about, howsever,
and I was very lonely, specially on the first day; so when the
jailer parst my lonely sell I put the few stray hairs on the
back part of my hed (I'm bald now, but thare was a time when I
wore sweet auburn ringlets) into as dish-hevild a state as
possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I cride: "Stay,
jaler, stay! I am not mad, but soon shall be if you don't
bring me suthin to Talk!" He brung me sum noospapers, for
which I thanked him kindly.
At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, the President
of the Southern Conthieveracy. He was quite perlite, and axed
me to sit down and state my case. I did it, when he larfed
and said his gallunt men had been a little 2 enthoosiastic in
confisticatin my show.
"Yes," sez I, "they confisticated me too muchly. I had sum
hosses confisticated in the same way onct, but the
confisticaters air now poundin stun in the States Prison in
Injinnapylus."
"Wall, wall Mister Ward, you air at liberty to depart; you air
friendly to the South, I know. Even now we hav many frens in
the North, who sympathize with us, and won't mingle with this
fight."
"J. Davis, there's your grate mistaik. Many of us was your
sincere frends, and thought certin parties amung us was fussin
about you and meddlin with your consarns intirely too much.
But J. Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the piece of dry-
goods called the Star-Spangled Banner, the North gits up and
rises en massy, in defence of that banner. Not agin you as
individooals,--not agin the South even--but to save the flag.
We should indeed be weak in the knees, unsound in the heart,
milk-white in the liver, and soft in the hed, if we stood
quietly by, and saw this glorus Govyment smashed to pieces,
either by a furrin or a intestine foe. The gentle-harted
mother hates to take her naughty child across her knee, but
she knows it is her dooty to do it. So we shall hate to whip
the naughty South, but we must do it if you don't make back
tracks at onct, and we shall wallup you out of your boots! J.
Davis, it is my decided opinion that the Sonny South is makin
a egrejus mutton-hed of herself!"
"Go on, sir, you're safe enuff. You're two small powder for
me!" sed the President of the Southern Conthieveracy.
"Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsville Mounted
Hoss Cavalry! I'm Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J. Davis,
beware! Jefferson D., I now leave you! Farewell my gay Saler
Boy! Good-bye, my bold buccaneer! Pirut of the deep blue
sea, adoo! adoo!"
My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on my way home was
thrillin enuff for yeller covers. It will form the subjeck of
my next. Betsy Jane and the projeny air well.
Yours respectively,
A. Ward.