Casey (rolling up his sleeves)—“Did you tell Reilly Oi was a liar?”
Murphy—“Oi did not. Oi thought he knew it!”
* * * * *
Paddy Dolan bought a watch from the local jeweller with a guaranty to
keep it in order for twelve months. About six months after, Paddy took it
back because it had stopped.
“You seem to have had an accident with it,” said the jeweller.
“A small one, sure enough, sir. About two months ago I was feeding the
pig and it fell into the trough.”
“But you should have brought it before.”
“Sure, your honor, I brought it as soon as I could. We only killed the
pig yesterday.”
* * * * *
Kathleen had been put out to service, and her mistress liked the rosy
face of the young girl. One day Kathleen was sent on an errand to town.
She was longer than usual and her mistress stood on the porch as she came
through the field. Kathleen was happy and her mistress observed:
“Why, Kathleen, what a rosy face you have to-day! You look as if the dew
had kissed you.”
Kathleen dropped her eyes and murmured:
“Indeed, ma’am, but that wasn’t his name!”
* * * * *
An Irishman, who couldn’t read, went into a restaurant and sat down
opposite a man who had a bill of fare in his hands, and concluded
to order whatever the other man ordered in order not to betray his
disordered learning.
Stranger—“I will have a plate of soup.”
Pat—“Give me th’ same.”
Stranger—“And some oysters.”
Pat—“Give me th’ same.”
The stranger ordered what he wanted, and Pat duplicated the order.
Finally, the stranger told the waiter to order him a bootblack.
“Give me the same,” said Pat.
“Won’t one do for both of you?”
Pat answered—“No, one won’t; if he can’t eat one, I can!”
* * * * *
“Why did you leave your last place?” the housekeeper asked of the new
would-be cook.
“To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn’t stand the way the master an’ the
missus used to quarrel, mum.”
“Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?”
“Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn’t me an’ him, it was me and her.”
* * * * *
A gentleman was put out of patience by some blunder of Paddy, his new
groom.
“Look here!” he cried in his anger; “I won’t have things done in this
way. Do you think I’m a fool?”
“I can’t say, sir,” answered Paddy; “I only came here yesterday.”
* * * * *