An Irishman visiting a friend in the hospital began to take an interest
in the other patients.
“What are you in here for?” he asked one.
“I’ve got tonsillitis, and I’ve got to have my tonsils cut out,” was the
answer.
“And you?” he asked another.
“I’ve got blood poisoning in my arm, and they are going to cut it off,”
was the reply.
“Heavens!” said Pat, in horror, “This ain’t no place for me. I’ve got a
cold in my head.”
* * * * *
“Mike, did you ever catch frogs?” “Yes, sor.” “What did you bait with?”
“Bate ’em with a shtick, sor.”
* * * * *
People that take all things literally are apt to tread on other people’s
toes. The Irishman who walked in where he saw a sign, “Walk in,” and who
was ordered out by the lawyer was a literal man, and so was the man that
went into a pawnbroker’s shop and demanded ten dollars because there was
a placard in the window that read,“Look at this watch for ten dollars.”
“I looked at it,” said he, “and now I want my ten dollars.”
The most amusing incident we have heard is that of the countryman who,
while sauntering along a city street, saw a sign, “Please ring the bell
for the janitor.”
After reflecting a few minutes he walked up and gave the bell such a pull
that it nearly came out by the roots.
In a few minutes an angry-faced man opened the door.
“Are you the janitor?” asked the bell-puller.
“Yes; what do you want?”
“I saw that notice, so I rang the bell for you, and now I want to know
why you can’t ring the bell yourself?”
* * * * *
An Irishman wanted to sell a dog, but the prospective buyer was
suspicious, and finally decided not to buy. The man then told him why he
was anxious to sell. “You see,” said he, “I bought the dog and thrained
him myself. I got him so he’d bark all the time if a person stepped
inside the gate, and I thought I was safe from burglars. Then me woife
wanted me to thrain him to carry bundles—and I did. If you put anything
into his mouth, the spalpeen’d keep it there till some one took it away.
Well one night I woke up and heard some one in the next room. I got up
and grabbed me gun. They were there, three of the blackguards and the
dog.”
“Didn’t he bark,” interrupted the other.
“Sorra a bark,” was the reply, “he was too busy.”
“Busy,” asked the other, “what doing?”
“Carrying the lantern for the burglars,” answered the Irishman.
* * * * *