[In giving the following address of an American candidate,
we must beg our readers to understand that it is not
intended as a joke. Electioneering in the States,
generally speaking, is carried on with good-humour; and
when there is no real cause of squabbling, the object of
the aspirant is to get the laugh in his favour. The orator
we introduce to the English public is Mr Daniel R.
Russell, a candidate for the Auditorship in Mississippi.]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--I rise--but there is no use telling you that;
you know I am up as well as I do. I am a modest man--very--but I
never lost a picayune by it in my life. Being a scarce commodity
among candidates, I thought I would mention it, for fear if I did
not, you never would hear it. Candidates are generally considered as
nuisances, but they are not; they are the politest men in the world,
shake you by the hand, ask how's your family, what's the prospect
for crops, &c.--and I am the politest man in the state. Davy
Crockett says the politest man he ever saw, when he asked a man to
drink, turned his back so that he might drink as much as he pleased.
I beat that all hollow: I give a man a chance to drink twice if he
wishes, for I not only turn my back, but shut my eyes! I am not only
the politest man, but the best electioneerer: you ought to see me
shaking hands with the vibrations, the pump-handle and pendulum, the
cross-cut and wiggle-waggle. I understand the science perfectly, and
if any of the country candidates wish instructions, they must call
upon me. Fellow-citizens, I was born--if I hadn't been I wouldn't
have been a candidate; but I am going to tell you where: 'twas in
Mississippi, but 'twas on the right side of the negro line; yet that
is no compliment, as the negroes are mostly born on the same side. I
started in the world as poor as a church-mouse, yet I came honestly
by my poverty, for I inherited it; and if I did start poor, no man
can say but that I have held my own remarkably well. Candidates
generally tell you--if you think they are qualified, &c. Now, I
don't ask your thoughts, I ask your votes. Why, there is nothing to
think of except to watch and see that Swan's name is not on the
ticket; if so, _think_ to scratch it off and put mine on. I am
certain that I am competent, for who ought to know better than I do?
Nobody. I will allow that Swan is the best auditor in the state;
that is, till I am elected: then perhaps it's not proper for me to
say anything more. Yet, as an honest man, I am bound to say that I
believe it's a grievous sin to hide anything from my
fellow-citizens; therefore say that it's my private opinion,
publicly expressed, that I'll make the best auditor ever in the
United States. 'Tis not for honour I wish to be auditor; for in my
own county I was offered an office that was all honour--coroner,
which I respectfully declined. The auditor's office is worth some
5000 dollars a year, and I am in for it like a thousand of brick. To
shew my goodness of heart, I'll make this offer to my competitor.
I'm sure of being elected, and he will lose something by the
canvass, therefore I am willing to divide equally with him, and make
these offers: I'll take the salary, and he may have the honour, or
he may have the honour, and I'll take the salary.
In the way of honours, I have received enough to satisfy me for
life. I went out to Mexico, ate pork and beans, slept in the rain
and mud, and swallowed everything but live Mexicans. When I was
ordered to go, I went; 'charge,' I charged; and 'break for the
chaperel'--you had better believe I beat a quarter nag in doing my
duty.
My competitor, Swan, is a bird of golden plumage, who has been
swimming for the last four years in the auditor's pond at 5000
dollars a year. I am for rotation. I want to rotate him out, and to
rotate myself in. There's a plenty of room for him to swim outside
of that pond; therefore _pop_ in your votes for me--I'll _pop_ him
out, and _pop_ myself in.
I am for a division of labour. Swan says he has to work all the
time, with his nose down upon the public grindstone. Four years must
have ground it to a _pint_. Poor fellow! the public ought not to
insist on having the handle of his mug ground clean off. I have a
large, full-grown, and well-blown nose, red as a beet, and tough as
sole-leather. I rush to the post of duty; I offer it up as a
sacrifice; I clap it on the grindstone. Fellow-citizens, grind till
I _holler enuff_--that'll be sometime first, for I'll hang like grim
death to a dead African.
Time's most out. Well, I like to forgot to tell you my name. It's
Daniel; for short, Dan. Not a handsome name, for my parents were
poor people, who lived where the quality appropriated all the nice
names; therefore they had to take what was left and divide around
among us--but it's as handsome as I am--D. Russell. Remember, all
and every one of you, that it's not Swan.
I am sure to be elected; so, one and all, great and small, short and
tall, when you come down to Jackson after the election, stop at the
auditor's office--the latch-string always hangs out; enter without
knocking, take off your things, and make yourself at home.