"Oh, if you could but do it! If you could but do it, all our family
would bless you for ever more, for he is so very dear to us. Oh my
benefactor, can you make him laugh? can you bring soothing tears to
those parched orbs?"
I was profoundly moved. I said: "My son, bring the old party round. I
have got some jokes in that lecture that will make him laugh if there is
any laugh in him; and, if they miss fire, I have got some others that
will make him cry or kill him, one or the other." Then the young man
blessed me, and wept on my neck, and went after his uncle. He placed him
in full view, in the second row of benches that night, and I began on
him. I tried him with mild jokes, then with severe ones; I dosed him
with bad jokes, and riddled him with good ones; I fired old, stale jokes
into him, and peppered him fore and aft with red-hot new ones; I warmed
up to my work, and assaulted him on the right and left, in front and
behind; I fumed and sweated and charged and ranted till I was hoarse and
sick, and frantic and furious; but I never moved him once--I never
started a smile or a tear! Never a ghost of a smile, and never a
suspicion of moisture! I was astounded. I closed the lecture at last
with one despairing shriek--with one wild burst of humour, and hurled a
joke of supernatural atrocity full at him!
Then I sat down bewildered and exhausted.
The president of the society came up and bathed my head with cold water,
and said: "What made you carry on so towards the last?"
I said I was trying to make that confounded old fool laugh, in the
second row.
And he said: "Well, you were wasting your time, because he is deaf and
dumb, and as blind as a badger!"
Now, was that any way for that old man's nephew to impose on a stranger
and orphan like me? I simply ask you, as a man and a brother, if that
was any way for him to do?
NEW-MADE HONOUR
[Sidenote: _Ingoldsby_]
(Imitated from Martial)
A Friend I met, some half hour since--
"_Good-morning_, Jack!" quoth I;
The new-made Knight, like any Prince,
Frowned, nodded, and passed by;
When up came Jem--_"Sir John, your Slave!"_
"Ah, James; we dine at eight--
Fail not"--(low bows the supple knave)--
"Don't make my lady wait."
The King can do no wrong? As I'm a sinner,
He's spoilt an honest tradesman and my dinner.