THE CARBUNCLE VOYAGE
After the signing of the contract, Cassius and his companions retired
to the harbor to wait till I had made the arrangements. Late that
night, very late (about five o'clock), a small tug pulled up to the
island and out came one Hawser Dawson. I can truthfully say that Hawser
is the mouldiest looking animal ever to set foot upon dry land. Or wet
water, for that matter. He is so filthy that his clothes stand up by
themselves when he takes them off at night. And the smell! WHEWWW!!
Hawser Dawson smells like Mrs. Murphy didn't get home with the eggs in
time. He is dirty, smelly, and dumb besides, but he is loyal and one of
the best tugboat captains that ever tripped on a two inch line.
We had arranged to get the Aardvark and his buddies into the country
under cover but I had forgotten to mention to Hawser how big the group
was. When Hawser saw the elephant he almost fainted. His ship, which
was as leaky as Stalin's head wouldn't carry that load. It could hardly
carry Hawser himself. So we arranged to hang the Aardvark and the
elephant under the ship while the Valkyries and myself rode upstairs.
But not only did Dawson get paid twice as much as he should have, he
wanted the Aardvark and Rubin the elephant to work their way in. He
whispered something to Cassius and Rubin and then came aboard. When
the elephant and our hero were slung under the ship, the leaky tub
sank so low into the water that it was wetter on the bridge than it
was under the ship. We got under way shortly and as we sailed around
under cover of darkness we heard a weird sound. It was a systematic
metallic whonking under the boat. When we asked Dawson what the noise
was, he told us that the Aardvark and Rubin were working their way over
by cleaning barnacles off the bottom of the tugboat with their teeth.
I almost fainted when I heard this. Our future star, the brightest new
personality in years ... scraping barnacles! Oh no!
After breaking a steel pipe over Dawson's head, we got the Aardvark
into the ship and started chipping the remnants of his work from his
bicuspids. It was about this time that we got into the small dock that
Hawser had told us would be waiting. We dragged the slightly defunct
sea captain out of the ship, got Rubin out from under and proceeded to
enter the United States of America, which as you know has been renamed
since by some people, the United States of Aardvark. One of the reasons
is because of what happened in the Drunken Cockroach Nightclub. Oh was
that a queer night. It happened on the same evening we got into the
States....