Now what are the rhymes to _if_? Looking up my _Rhyming Dictionary_ I
see they are:--
cliff
hieroglyph
hippogriff
skiff
sniff
stiff
tiff
whiff
Of these one may reject _hippogriff_ at once, as it is in the wrong
metre. _Hieroglyph_ is attractive, and we might do worse than:--
There was a young man who said "If
One murdered a hieroglyph----"
Having, however, no very clear idea of the nature of a hieroglyph I
am afraid that this will also join the long list of unfinished
masterpieces. Personally I should incline to something of this kind:--
There was a young man who said "If
I threw myself over a cliff
I do not believe
_One_ person would grieve----"
Now the last line is going to be very difficult. The tragic
loneliness, the utter disillusion of this young man is so vividly
outlined in the first part of the poem that to avoid an anticlimax
a really powerful last line is required. _But there are no powerful
rhymes._ A serious poet, of course, could finish up with _death_
or _faith_, or some powerful word like that. But we are limited to
_skiff_, _sniff_, _tiff_ and _whiff_. And what can you do with those?
Students, I hope, will see what they can do. My own tentative solution
is printed, by arrangement with the Editor, on another page (458). I
do not pretend that it is perfect; in fact it seems to me to strike
rather a vulgar note. At the same time it is copyright, and must not
be set to music in the U.S.A.
I have left little time for comic poetry other than Limericks, but
most of the above profound observations are equally applicable to
both, except that in the case of the former it is usual to think of
the _last_ line first. Having done that you think of some good rhymes
to the last line and hang them up in mid-air, so to speak. Then you
think of something to say which will fit on to those rhymes. It is
just like Limericks, only you start at the other end; indeed it is
much easier than Limericks, though, I am glad to say, nobody believes
this. If they did it would be even harder to get money out of Editors
than it is already.
We will now write a comic poem about Spring Cleaning. We will have
verses of six lines, five ten-syllable lines and one six-syllable. As
a last line for the first verse I suggest
Where have they put my hat?
We now require two rhymes to _hat_. In the present context _flat_ will
obviously be one, and _cat_ or _drat_ will be another. Our resources
at present are therefore as follows:--
Line 1-- ----
" 2-- ... flat.
" 3-- ----
" 4-- ... cat or drat.
" 5-- ----
" 6--Where have they put my hat?
As for the blank lines, _wife_ is certain to come in sooner or later,
and we had better put that down, supported by _life_ ("What a life!"),
and _knife_ or _strife_. There are no other rhymes, except _rife_,
which is a useless word.