Scarcely a day passes without bringing us nearer to the end of the
year. That is a melancholy reflection, but we are not sure that it
exhausts all the possibilities of misery latent in the flight of
time. It has been noticed, for instance, that the Duke of X----, whose
sporting proclivities are notorious, never fails to celebrate his
birthday with a repast at an inferior _restaurant_, and, as His Grace
is powerful, his friends suffer in silence and bewail his increasing
ducal age.
* * * * *
Henley Regatta came off as arranged. This is a peculiarity which is
very striking in connection with this Royal fixture. We are informed
that several certainties were upset, but by whom and why has not
been stated. Candidly speaking, such a brutal method as "upsetting"
consorts ill with the softer manners of our time. On the Thames, too,
it must be extraordinarily disagreeable.
* * * * *
Mrs. WEEDLE, the Hon. Mrs. THREADBARE, and Lady FAWN, have joined
the lately established Bureau for the Dissemination of Fashionable
Friendships. The Personal Advertising Department is now open, and is
daily filled with a distinguished crowd of applicants. Arrangements
are in process of completion for supplying the deserving rich with
cambric handkerchiefs, and imitation diamonds, at nominal prices.
* * * * *
A well-known Actor has lately been deprived of his customary allowance
of fat. His loss of weight (in avoirdupois) has been computed at
five-sixteenths of the integral cubit of a patent accumulator's
vertical boiling power, divided by the fractional resistance of a
plate-glass window to a two-horse-power catapult.
* * * * *
The weather has been variable, with cryptoconchoidal deflections of a
solid reverberating isobar previously tested in a solution of zinc and
soda-water. This indicates cold weather in December next.
* * * * *
Consols 1/50094th better. Wheat in demand. Jute firm. Bank rate too
fast to last.
* * * * *
A Politician, whose name has been frequently mentioned during the
late crisis, has stated it as his opinion that a temperance orator's
powers of persuasion are to a moral victory as a Prime Minister is
to a willow-pattern dinner-plate. The remark caused much excitement
in the lobby, where this gentleman's humorous sallies never lack
appreciators.
* * * * *
What is this I hear of a certain Noble Duke, well-known in sporting
circles, having accepted a three months' engagement to appear in a
"comic character sketch of his own composition," at a long-established
East End-Music Hall? If there is any truth in the rumour, I should
like to ask _what the Duchess has been about?_
* * * * *
A distinguished Oxford Mathematical Professor has, just after
prolonged and patient research, established the undoubted certainty
of the following interesting facts beyond any possible question or
controversy:--That the quantity of Almond Rock Hard Bake, consumed in
the United Kingdom in the year terminating on the 15th of May last,
amounted to 17 lbs. 9 oz. for each member of the population, including
women and children. That if at all the old and discarded Chimney Pot
Hats for a like period were collected in a heap, and packed closely
together, they would fill a building twice the height of St. Paul's,
and three times the length of the Crystal Palace. That winners of
the Derby who have become eventually four-wheeler cab-horses are
ninety-six in number, but that there is _only one authentic_ instance
of a four-wheeler cab-horse having become a Derby winner.
* * * * *
So great is the craze for the newest idea in locomotion that it is
calculated that including Duchesses no less than 1470 _grandes dames_
whose names are well-known in Society, now pass Piccadilly Circus on
the outside of the London General Omnibus Company's vehicles, between
the hours of 8 A.M. and 10 P.M. daily.
* * * * *
A PASSPORT TO THE BEST SOCIETY, AND A GUARANTEE FOR RESPECTABILITY,
is to be a diligent student of _Mr. Punch's_ works, and to have earned
the abuse of the _Pall-Mall Gazette_.
* * * * *