THE DELINKENT SUBSCRIBER'S ARISTOCRAZEY IDEAS ON THE
EDITTUR'S DIGESTIV ORGANS.--A NEW WAY TO COLLECT OLD DETS.
There's a lot of fellers wot hav brown-stone manshuns up town, and
French cooks wot dish em up everything good, from frogs' lim--er--leg
to the posterier xten-shun of a eel's spinal collum, frickerseed, with
mushrum catchup sauce. B'sides that, they've got lots of munney in the
bank, and wuldn't think no more of givin sum Anglo Saxton perfesshunal
beggar a thousand-dollar keepsake than they wuld of let-tin there folks
go to Longbransh or Newport durin the all-fired heeted turm.
I dont mene, Mr. Diry, that all the welthy people of New York are alike,
but I have refrense to that class of peeple wot are laberin under the
'mpresshun that editoriel stummicks was patented, and bilt speshelly and
xclusivly for the absorpshun and dijestshun of printin-house paste and
wind puddins, with ritin-fluid sauce as a con-dyment and appytizer.
These are the peepel who alwus allow there noosepaper bills to
accummerlate till they dropoff, and the edit-tur gives them a bang-up
introduckshun on there long jurney, in the hope that the adminnysteers
of there estates'll allow his bill Feint hope that is, cos were was the
adminnysteer that was ever known to acknowledge a noosepaper bill as
genwine. They all go on the princerpel “that all editturs is liars, and
all big liars is editturs,” and take the same deduckshun, wot is
alwus this: “A bill persented by a liar must be a lie, on its face “;
therefore, it is unallowable.
The reeson I've ben thus sollykisin, Mr. Diry, is, cos the expenses
of the campane hav ben purty hevvy on Mr. Gilley, and yet havin had a
chanse to dip his fingers inter the State Tressurey, he was run-nin a
littel short of funds. So this afternoon he give me a lot of old bills
to collect.
I found it purty had work, cos every-bodie 'peared to be perticklar fond
of pay-in all there bills next week. I was gettin diseurraged, and I
didn't like to go back to the offis without no munney, so I thot up a
littel skeem. There was a big flour deeler wot owd a bill of $40, wot'd
got outlored. So I went over to his offis and ast the clurk to tell him
I wanted to see him on pertickler bisness. The clurk sed he was orful
'ngaged, & I'd better call round next week, and praps he'd hav time
to tork to me. I insisted and told him to tell Mr. Paynuthin, that the
bisness wot I warnted to see him on was a matter of immense importanse
to himself. Soon as I got in, I sed: “Mr. Paynuthin, we've got on to
sum very valuabel informashun, wot'll make your fortune, if the other
flourmen don't get it fust. Now, if you'll pay up this bill, I'll giv it
to you at wonce, and you'll get the inside trak on 'em.” I seen he was
gettin interested, so I concluded, by sayin: “Now if you don't get this
in-formashun, it may leed to your ruin.” He didn't say a wurd, but went
to the safe, and got out the $40, and I receeted the bill, and axt him
for a peece of paper, cos he mite forget it if I didn't rite it down.
Then I wrote in big letters: “Owe no man a cent,” and biddin him goodby,
I took a hasty departure. The skeem work'd splendid every place I went,
only at wun old lawyers offis, and he sed: “Yung man, I've been cheetin,
fleecin and beetin everybodie for the last forty years, and there aint
no noosepaper man livin wot can tell me eny eeseier way to mak a
fortune. Git out,” and I got. Mr. Gilley says I'm the boss collecttur,
and orter hire myself out to a Mutual Life and Accident Asso-shiashun as
assesment gatherer.