THE DEVIL IN CHURCH.--A TERRIFICK. XPLOSHUN, AND FLYIN
DEBRIS GIVES MR. TALMIG A XCELLENT SUBJECT.--FASHUN AND
STILE OF LONG AGO.--GET THE BEHIND ME SATAN.
Today is Sunday. I kno I ortenter rite in you today Mr. Diry, but, as
I've had to rite up a serio commick, religus report, I dont see no big
objeckshun ter givin it ter you.
Urley this mornin, the Religus edittur called up to our house, and
sed he'd giv me a quarter, if I'd go over to Brooklin sted of him, and
report a surmon, cos he warnted to go to the little church round the
corner, and make it up with the quire singer, wot was goin to sue him
for breech of promise. I was 'greed so I went over, and the ushur showd
me inter one of the front seets, and didn't collect no admishun fee
offen me, cos, I guess he knowd I had a ded hed ticket.
Rite in front of me was a corpulent woman, fatter'an a poorpoise, and
the wife of a Brooklyn alderman. She had a hat on wot was as big as a
punshun hed, wot she kept twistin round, so I couldnt see a thing wot
was goin on on the staige. I guess the woman wayed bout 250 pounds, &
her bussel was as big as a Ellerfants. The case was gettin desprit for
me, cos I'd agreed to bring hum a report of the performanse. The furst
part was jest bout over; the blonde artist was singin a solo, and the
audiense was so interested that they all stood up. I seen the time had
cum for acshun, so I stood a pepper box wot I had in my pocket on the
seet. Soon as the ladie went to sit down, she hadnt calkerlated on eny
obstercal, and didnt try to control her gravytal momentum, so she
cum plump down on top of the pepper box. A loud, roarin sound, then a
terrer-bel xploshun shuk the buildin, and the air was filled with flyin
debris, woman, pieces of cloes, hoopskirt, hat, buttins, little bits of
rubber bussell, strings, and things innumer-abel and unmenshunabel. I
never seen such a reck in all my life. The ladie landed right in front
of the minister, were sum of the quire girls run to her rescue and
kivered her up with shawls, puttin her in a carriage and sendin her
home. Soon as the reck was cleered and order restored, the minister sed:
“I came here this mornin with no idea upon wot subject I shuld speek,
trustin ontirely to Providense to reveal to the con-gregashun and myself
a sootabel one. You see, my heerers, for yourself, my trustin has not
been in vane. My text will be: 'And Eve bort a Bon Ton System, and
maid herself a fig leef pollynays, cut a la Princesse, and trimmed with
dandylion ruchin and sun-flower brade. Then she fleeced a he ram, and of
the wool thereof she formed a big bussel, and Adam got mashed on her
fine does, and she turned up her knoes at the washerwomans darter wot
didnt have on nothin but a palm leef jursey, wot fit her too soon.'
“You ladies are all alike, and you get your line of dress, from a purty
long and direct line of ancestry. I dont think a fine dress is a sinful
appendage to eny lady, in fact I like to see a ladie drest well, but
to be drest well, a lady ort not to practise deceit, or act a lie,
for there is such a thing as actin a lie. Now bussils are the devils
perticklar delite, cos there a form of deceit, in fact, I verily beleeve
the devil is in every bussel, and actin on the Biblical advise, the
ladies all say, 'Get thee behind me, Satan.' Hereafter, air balloon
bussles will be considered contraband, in this church, and ladys
suspected of carry in them, will be subject to a serchin, and rigid
xaminashun, before bein admitted.”