HE REPORTS A DRY GOODS OPENIN.--A XPENSIV KOSTUM WOT FINDS
ITS WAY TO THE STABLISHMENT OF A JURNULISTICK MILLYUN-HAIR.--
FEMMERNINE FEMMERNINITY'S, WITH MICE AS APPENDAGES.--THE
NEET THING IN A HAT.
To-day was the grand openin of fall and winter stiles at all the big Dry
Goods and Millernery stores. Clara Bell, wot does up that bisness for
the _Buster_ had gone and got completely brok up on a 50 dollar bonnet,
wot she sed was the cutest little thing she ever seen, so she had to go
rite up to Hackensaw, and see if she couldnt squeeze the munny outer her
old bachler unkel, wot dotes on her. Mr. Gilley wuld of discharged her
ony he'd forgot to pay her sellary up in full for the last six months,
so he had to make the best of it, and send me out ter report it in her
place.
The followin' is wot'll appear in termorrer mornin's _Buster_:
“The first place our repraysentertiv peramberlated hisself to was Lords
& Tailor's. He was met at the dore by a aggressiv dude, to hoom he
persented his paist-bord, and who immejeatly put him in charge of a
demminutiv casheer, wot scorted him to the maid-up soot department.
This department was feerfully crowded with ladies, wot were passin
complerments on the dresses.
“The most expensiv soot on exherbishun was 'mported from Paris, and is
maid with a red and green pettycote, bilt up together so as it'd look
like a checkherbord. Over this pettycote, and runnin down the back, from
the waste, in underlatin hills and valley's, wot was formed of a lot of
the cheep, two-for-a-cent metrypollytan jurnals, was a skie blu sattin
coursage, with a long trane, The front of the skurt was composed of a
lot of curlykues, suspended from the sides, louped up in the middle,
and maid of illushunairy stuff, so you culd see the pettycote. The hull
bisness was blowd up like the upper half of a belloon, ony a little more
so. Over all this was a pollynays, with panyers xtendin from the neck,
down to the waste line and maid titer'an durnashun.
“This kostume is the creashun of Wurth, the maskerline millerner, and
cost 5 thousand dollars. It was 'mported xpressley for the wife of a up
town plummer, but since she sent on her messures, she's been living so
high that the steem derrick, wot she bort a purpose, has utterly failed
to lace her korsets tite enuf for her to get inter the dress. Wile our
representertiv was present, the kostume was purchased by the wife of
the milyun-hair editur, of the Sarrytoga _Eagle_ for 48 hundred dollars
cash.
“A sweeter'an-a-peech littel dudine, informed us, in reply to our
questshuns, that jurseys, would be worn dubbel brested behind. That the
regulashun bussel wuld containe at least six New York _Heralds_, covered
over with a Texas _Siftins_, for the bennyfit of the occupants of the
church pue, in the reer of the warer. That crin-nylines wuld average
4 feet, six inches, in diameter, and wuld be pervided with the new
anti-ankel-xposin spiral springs. That basks wuld be cut very low, and
filled in with gripher lace. That corsets wuld be pervided with rachets
and set screws, to nabel them to be drawn more titely round the waste.
That owin to the relertiv cheepness of wool, and its qualerty of
xpandin, sted of shrinkin, it wuld ntirely tak the place of cotton as a
indyspenserble adjunct in making up the fashuneebel wimmin. In reply
to our inquisertiv reporters last query, the young ladie blushed way up
b'hind her eers, and xclamed: 'Oh, you horrid noosepaper man! Dont chew
kno, flutin wil allwas remane in stile?'
“The hoseery department hadn't opened up wen our reporter called, but
he was allowed to inspect it. It is in charge of clurks of the male
persuashun, cos there sposed to kno better than gurls wot'd look best
on the fare purchasers of these indys-penserbel artikels of femmynine
apparal. The latest noveltie reprysents a littel mouse, wots crawled
bout half way up, and got stuck.
“They are in all cullers, and are desined for weerin in wet & slushy
wether. The're called 'Good Xcuse' Stockins, cos they giv the blushin
weerer a good xcuse, for not gettin her skurts wet & muddy. The mouse
looks orful naturel, and sum of these days, we'll heer of sum gallant
corndocktor of the Ell R. R. gettin a kik in his stummik, for grabbin
hold of one, wile he labers under the impresshun, that he is re-leevin
the fare weerer, of a indyskribeibel aggerney.
“The neet thing in a hat is a littel bunch of yaller & green velvit,
surmounted by a derminutiv Tommas cat, wots got his back up, and his
tale runnin down the lady's neck. It costs a hundred & fifty dollars, &
the lady's, all say its too sweet for anything.
“Wimmin's logic is curius enyway. If there all mashed, so bad, on Tommas
cats, Y, in the name of Pennylope Pennyfether, dont they sit up sum
moonlite nite, at a back winder, armed with a dubbel barrel shot gun,
& slugs? Then they'd get a durn site more'an they'd use in a hull
lifetime. This would 'pare to be more senser-abel than payin Lords &
Tailor's 150 dollars for a little insignifercant kitten, wot aint cut
his eye teeth yet.”