IN A TROY HOTEL.----GRAND REVUE AND MILLYTARY
DEMONSTRASHUN.--THE ATTAK OF THE LEEGUNS.--HOLESALE DETH AND
CONFUSHUN.--THE RECALL.
I feel most too tired to rite in you tonite, Mr. Diry, but I guess I'll
tell you wot made me feel so xerted. After the meetin and banquet was
over last nite, the cullured gentelman, wot was in attendanse, at the
hotel, ushered me up to my room wot was on the skie balconey teer.
[Illustration: I CREP OUTER BED AND LIT THE GAS. ]
I got off my cloes & jumped inter bed, as quick as possibel, cos I was
purty well used up. i'd jest got inter a sleep, & was dreemin I was a
candydate for Preserdent, on the no-nuthin platform, with Benny Butler
hung on the tail of the ticket, wen I was woke up by feelin sumthin like
a lectric shock creepin over me. I begun to get scared, cos I felt like
I was gettin the seven yares ich, so I crep outer bed & lit the gas.
On xammenashun I found a feerful lot of little wite lumps all over my
bodie. Then I looked at the sheets, & a grande site was presented to
my vishun. There on a littel knoll, of the fether bed, stood the
commander-in-chief, surrounded by his staff, issuin orders. Grouped all
round, in regyments, divishuns, & briggades, were comanys of privats
in their full dress parade unyform of scarlet. As each regyment defiled
passed the Commander, the band struck up the Nashunal anthem of:--
“Bite, Brother, bite with keer
And do your dutie as a bed buggeer.”
The processhun was the most imposin I ever seen. The entire time taken
in passin a given point was two hours and ten min-nits.
At eggsactly 2:20 a.m., the army formed in a holler square, with
the officers in the middel. The high priest then passed round them,
skatterin insense all over the soldjers, and xhortin them to stand firm,
cos vick-torie, glory & spoils was rite within there reech. Then he
skattered sum more insense, wot smelt wuss than limbugger cheese, all
over them.
By this time it was 3 a. m., and I was gettin sumwhat nervus and
cold, in my abbreevyated costume, my mercyfull disposishun and other
considerations restrayned me from dealin out holesale slorter to the
enemy. Wile I was tryin to devise meens to recapture my fortress,
without incurrin the risk of a eppydemick, I seen the army form, in five
divishuns. The one under Majah Genral Bloodsucker, bein ordered to scale
the walls and take a posishun on the ceelin. The other four divishuns
to assume the offensive, and attack me simultaneously on my flanks. Alas
for me, too soon, I seen, my mercy had ben illtimed, nothin was left me
but to make hasty preperashuns for the defense. Quickly I grabbed the
wash basin, and slop bole, and placed each under a leg of my chare.
There was nuthin else in the room, wot I cud use for a mote, in
despyration I seized a copy of the New York _Sun, Presbyteeryan Banner_,
and a book 'ntitled “Biblikal Reesons Why.” Placin the _Sun_ and
“Biblikal Reesons Why,” under the remainin unprotected legs of my chare,
and holdin the _Presbyteeryan Banner_ over my bed with a feendish laff,
I mounted my fortyfour cashun, and awated the attack.
The corps on the seelin, under Genral Bludsucker, was ordered to take
the inishiativ.
Formin in a compact falanx, the band playin the wile, they
simmultaneoushly took the perylus leep, landing rite in the middle of
my defense. Poor fellows! they met the fate of many others. Miscalculate
the distance they had fallen upon the Funny collum of the _Presbyteeryan
Banner_, and its well known soporiffic effects completely overcom them.
Seein the discomfertufe of the Bludsuckers command Genral Robeson
advanced, on the dubbel quick, over my N.Y. _Sun_ barrycade. He had
almost reeched the leg of my chare, wen urgin his men forward he crossed
a line, and rushed rite into deth, yes a suddin and horrybel deth!
Poor fellus! they didnt notis in there hurried adyanse, that they were
attemptin to cross a sarcastick and vengeful dubble ledded editorial,
on the United States navy, by Charles A. Danamite. The survivors will no
dout erect a monument over the remains of there brave and darin comrads,
beerin the inskripshun “Dide of broken harts.”
Genral Robert Ingersol, seein the destruckshun of Robesons forces,
determined to advanse slowly, he had jest scaled the back of my
barrycade, and was preparin for a rush, wen his eyes cot site of the
title of the book. He immejiately sounded the retreet. Biblical Reasons
Why was too much for him, and he did not feel like crossin the kasm, and
exposin his men to more numerus and hotter perrils.
A counsil of war was then held, and it was decided to get the forces all
together, and make one determined effort, to capture my fortress from
the see. A half burnt mach was obtained, and a company of soldjers
embarked upon it. The ma-sheenary of the transport must of giv out,
cos the bote became unmanageable, and its livin freight, seein there
hopeless condish-un, joined in singin', “We're goin down to Glory.”
By this time, the sun streemin thru the cracks of the curtin, warned the
survivors of the approch of day, and a genral recall was sounded, and
the entire force retreeted to there impenetrabel fortresses in the
cracks of the bedsted, leavin me completely master of the situashun.
Now, Mr. Diry, can you wunder at my feelin sum wot tired after such a
xperiense, and a tedjus ride down from Troy? Prap's you may consider me
a liar. If you do, you are mistakin, cos every wurd I have rittin in you
to nite is the solium truth, without “any prevaricashun, eggsagerashun,
or magnifycashun, and besides that, every-bodie wot knoes me, sinse
I packed away my petty cotes, will tell you, I'm a littel Georgie
Washinton.