IN THE ROLE OF DRAMATICK CRITTICK.--“HOSIERY HENRYETTUR, OR
A BOOM IN FANCY GOODS.”--THE HAPPY DENEWMENT.
I didn't write nothin in you last nite, Mr. Diry, cos me and
Maria--that's my gal--was takin in the furst nite at the theatur.
Jest wen I was lee vin the offis the edittur called me aside and arst
me if I thot I was capabel to report the furst performance of “Hosiery
Henryettur, or A Boom in Fancy Goods,” cos the dramattick edit-tur had
gone and got mashed on the latest perfesshunal buty from Cleveland, and
warn't fit for duty.
I sez: “You becher sweet neck, I can.”
So he give me a cupple of “comps” and a led nickle for to buy candie and
peenuts with. Wen I got home I drest up in my Sunday-skule cloes, and
went round and wated wile my gal was puttin on her bandyline and rubbin
her face with a red sawcer wot she sez she uses for newralgy.
You bet, this devil felt proud, promerinardin his gal down the ile to
the front orchestrey chares, wots reserved for us rep-rysentatives of
the metrypollyton press.
I got out my note-book and pencil, and me and Maria ete candie, talked
sweet, and wated developments.
I'll pass over the prolog, and giv you the report jest as it was printed
in this mornin's _Buster_:
“Last evenin, the curtin, in Niblo's theattur, rose to a large,
appreshiativ, and bald-hedded audiense wot sit in the orkerstry cheers.
“The play wot come on the staige for the furst time in 'Merica was
'ntitled 'Hosiery Henryettur, or A Boom in Fancy Goods.' The plot
was novel, romantik, and excrushiatingly interestin. The principal
charackters is Henryettur, a assthetick young ladie, dorter of a
Fillydelphy lawyer, and Augustus Angerlinus Fizzlesprung, a dude, wot
wares a eye glass and carries a gold plaited kane, wot he chews sted
of terfaackky, cos his nerves is week. Henryettur is orful sick 'bout
Gussy, and wuld giv her lock of Horsecar Wild's hare, wot she carrys in
her bussum, if Gussy would ony tumbel and marry her. But Gussy wouldn't
tumbel if the hull of Broadway'd fall on him, cos he's mashed on a lot
of dudines wot do the balleyin act in the academme. The furst act was
very utter, in fact too utterly utter for utteranse. The scenery was
grandly sublime, bein a combynashun of sunflours and Baltymore
oysters, wot are sed to be very assthetick. The seccund scene is more
commonplase, cos it reprysents a green room of a theat-tur with the
artists sittin round a tabel, makin a supper off of Boston baked beens
and shampain sawse. Gussy 'pares in the background and givs the gals $5
to danse a bally for his own speshell benerfit. Then they all cam to
the front of the staige. We guess they b'long to the femail econymist
persuashun, cos they all 'pared to be very eccornomical in goods wen
they maid there skurts, or else they got there dresses wet, cos they've
shrunk way up 'bove their nees, and way down b'low there necks. The
clerk wot sold 'em there stockins must of warrented them to wash,
cos there all colors, and there bout the only part of there does wots
anyways long. The dan-cin' part of the performanse didn't 'pare to be
much appreshyated by the older porshun of the audiense, cos they shaded
their eyes with their opera glasses and blushed on the top of there
heds, were there hare used to grow. The gals then go thru a lot of
moshuns, dansin the racket, and Gussy sets 'em up.
“The furst scene of Act III. is in Henryettur's privat boodywar. She
walks round, holdin a big sunflower in her hand, and calls it to witness
that if her dare Gussy don't make up his mind purty soon to marry her,
the tender thred wot holds her to this mundain spere will soon cum to
a too utterly utter, suddint round turn. Then she whispers sumthin to
herself, and jumps bout a foot, and xclaims, in a anty-assthetik voice:
'I will do it! By the misterious hare, hidden in the opake depths of
10-cent-a-plate ice-creme, I will do it!'
“The scene then changes to a rehursal in the theattur, with Gussy
looking at the bailey. All on a suddint a gal comes dancin out
on tip-toes and movin her hands round like she was playin'
skippin'-the-rope. Her close is purty, ony they're a good deal more
shrunken than wot the other gals had on, and her lower xtremer-ties look
like she was smugglin' cotton from New Orleans. Gussy then gets mashed
on her rite away, and she don't 'pare to mind it a bit, cos she sot rite
down on his knee, and they begun a-talkin' awful soft. Purty soon she
jumped 'bout six feet, wen Gussy shoved a pin inter her stockins. Then
he reckernized her as Henryettur, and the bailey bring on the happey
denewment act, by balleyin' round wile Gussy and Henryettur 'mbrace and
kiss each other, and the property man lifts up his hands and sez:
“Henryettur, you had better Go put on your cloesietter, Cos you are too
utter utter, Drest all in your hosieryetter; Gussy, you must let her,
let her, And I'm sure you'll like her better Wen you've settur, settur,
settur, And we've drunk to your dudetter.”