HE INTERVUES ELI PERKINS AND GETS SUM POINTS ON JURNERLISTIC
EGGSAGGERASHUN, PREVARICASHUN AND MAGNIFYCASHUN.--Y PULLMAN
STOK IS GOIN UP.
Wen I was round to the hotels, this mornin' gettin the arrivals, I seen
sumthin on the regester of the Grand Pacific wot look'd like a cuppel of
spiders had ben fitin and got there legs in the ink bottel and crawled
over bout a dozen lines. I arst the clerk wot it ment. He culdnt: say
til he seen wot number the wot-is-it had. After lookin over his leger he
found that No. 36 stood for Eli Perkins and a grate big bord bill.
I've hurd it sed that it showed enterprise for a noosepaper man to
intervue distinguished guests, so I thot it'd do purty neer as well to
intervue a distinguished liar. So I got the clerk to sho me up to Mr.
Per-kin's room.
It feel like I'd got up a rung or two on the ladder alreddy, cos the
edither thot my peece wot I rote bout the intervue was good, and its
goin to be put in to-morrer mornins paper. I rite it down in your pages,
Mister Diry, so as I can look at it wen my hart grows weery strugglin
for fame and wriches:
“After xchangin good mornins, the _Buster_ reporter sed:
“'Mr. Perkins, youre one of the biggest liars in America, aint you?'
“'Who sed I was one of 'em, yung man?' sed he, gettin mad, and comin
over to were I was sittin, like he was goin to formally interduce his
patent lether pumps to the paches wot I sit down on. 'Who sed so? Name
him instanly, and I'll brand him as an infamous liar. Me, one of the
biggest liars in America. It's mene, to, contemtabel. To think that I
shuld hav toiled a life to stablish a reputashun, only to be classed as
one of the biggest liars of America. No, young man, you're rong. I am
the grate I am liar of the unyverse.'
“By this time our reprysentative was feelin like he'd mistakin his
callin, but musterin up courage, he sed:
“'Mr. Perkins, I'm a yung aspyrant for jurnalistic onhers. Can you give
sum points on the bizness, wot I culd use to advantage?'
“'Yes, my son, you becher bottom dollar, I can. Alwus bear in mind
that the three furst principels of moddern jur-nalism is Prevaricashun,
Eggsaggeration, and Magnifycashun. For instance: If Tallmage, in his
sermin, sez he b'lieves there's a hell, you want to be sure to rite it
up thusly: “Rev. Tallmage, havin just returned from a short visit, held
his hearers spellbound for a hour, yesterday morning, by his grand and
vivid discripshun of the mildness of the climat of a salubrous summer
resort” This wuld be a excellent illustrashun of Prevaricashun.
“'Eggsaggershun would be like this: If a candydate of the oppersishun
treats a fellow to a glass of beer, you wanter say: The barrel's ben
tapped, and fabulous sums are bein expended to inflooence voters, and
never forget to hed the artickel Fraud, Corrupshun, and Forgerry.
“'If a six-pound baby comes to one of your subskribers, you warnter size
the farther up, and if he's good for twenty-five segars the babys got
ter be twelve pounds. If he's good for fifty make it eighteen pounds,
and if he sends round a hole box, with the notis, the baby's got to turn
into twins. This wuld be a case of magnifycashun. It shos jurnerlistick
enterprise. Y, I've known cases where a puny 8-pound boy got to be
bouncin triplets, mother and babies doin' well, all cos their papa
had cents enuf to send sum wiskey 'long with the segars. Those are the
principel points to bare in mind, and if you follow em up rite, you'll
become a grate and good jurnerlist. If you ever run short of sensashuns,
get on the track of the “mercury” liar and foller him up, till you
strike his mine of valuabel infer-mashun.'
“'How long are you goin' to be in the city, Mr. Perkins?'
“'Only a few days. I'm here fixin' up my fenses, and puttin' in a bid
for the nommenashun for the Preserdency. I'm orful anxyus to run agin'
Ben Butler.'
“'Is there enything else startlin' that you know, Mr. Perkins?' queried
our rep-rysentativ.
“'Yes, but you musn't give it away, cos I'm short on Pullman stok. Do
you see this?' said he, holdin' up a peece of cotton, 'bout six inches
square. 'Well I come down from Albanie on a sleeper last nite, and this
morning I mistook one of the sheets for my hankerchef, and this thing is
the sheet, but don't menshun it, cos it'll make the stok jump a foot.'
“'Good mornin', Mr. Perkins, wenever I run short of lies I'll call
agen.'”