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What Peter Said. 1
A New Scheme. 1
Puttyman turned Merriman. 1
How to Shed a Ray of Light. 1
Out with Them. 2
The Tail of the Cable. 2
The Paupers at the Town Table. 2
Fish and Fowl. 3
Cable Jollification. 3
A Great Chance for Peter. 3
A Wonderful Invention. 3
_TO THE EDITOR OF THE ALLIGATOR._ 3
The Genuine Cable. 4
Advertisements 4
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[Illustration: STEPHEN H. BRANCH’S ALLIGATOR.]
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Volume I.—No. 21. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1858. Price 2 Cents.
What Peter Said.
The great Cable celebration at the Crystal Palace was apparently a cut
and dried affair, for the few speeches transmitted to us by the press
were not only written, but printed in advance of delivery—a comfortable
method of reporting, very satisfactory, but not quite literal, as well
as undignified in the orator of the day reading off his speech,
schoolboy-like from the crown of his hat. Peter had his say, and a very
funny say it was, so much so that we are inclined to believe that
Archbishop John, while “stuffing” at Long Branch, intentionally quizzed
that venerable duck. Peter, when it came to his say, was chuck full of
electricity; he sparkled and snapped like an aurora borealis; he was
better charged than the cable, and his eloquence went off with a series
of flashes like the detonations of a Leyden jar. He told us “his labors
which required the indomitable courage, the far-seeing and electrifying
mind of Cyrus W. Field to inspire and stimulate.” Cyrus then is the
electrical eel of this new era, and should be carefully preserved within
non-conductors from fear of shocking accidents. Then Peter got poetical,
and travels in the great garden of the world within and the world
without, and clothes a man there with power. This great garden could not
be that of Eden, for there nobody went clothed with anything. And then
Peter got surgical, and goes into midwifery, calling the cable “the
umbilical cord that binds the mother continent to the child.” Then Peter
grew prophetical, and tells us what electricity will do some day or the
other. And then Peter got enigmatical, and didn’t know what he did say,
and then he said that language failed him, and upon this giving out he
sat down and looked profound at everybody and everything for the
remainder of the exercises, bestowing on the audience an occasional
yawn.
A New Scheme.
So the repairs to the City Hall are to be made by the jobbing system.
The contract system, money-making as it is, is too liable to be exposed
to the inspection and judgment of the people, but a large job that is
split up into a dozen or more little ones and given out to as many
individuals, pays better, and can be more secretly conducted; therefore
this job which might be done reasonably low by a contractor, is to be
_highly jobbed_ out piecemeal. Verily, we live in a great age, have
great city fathers, an illustrious Mayor and plenty of paint and putty.
Puttyman turned Merriman.
The anecdotes of great man are the treasures of local history, and are
generally presumed to lend some light upon the trivialities of State
life. Daniel F. Tiemann is reported to have remarked, in a serious
manner it must be observed, for Daniel is thought to be a teetotaller,
and rarely dons the motley, that when the Lord Mayor of London hears of
our celebration and burning of the City Hall, he would return the
compliment by setting fire to the Mansion House. There can be no doubt
that this charitable ebullition of ettiquette will be accomplished, and
were it not for the extreme modesty of the worshipful Tiemann, there is
little doubt but that his Lordship would be induced to re-enact the part
of Guy Fawkes, and throw in the two houses of Parliament by way of a
superior pyrotechnical display. The thanks of the British public are
unquestionably due Puttyman for his moderation, for were he to will it,
the Atlantic Cable might require the immolation of Gog and Magog, and,
peradventure, the importation of the Bow Bells. But Puttyman says he was
only joking, and in alluding to the Metropolitan edifice, intended
merely to call forth a sally of wit instead of a blaze of pure genuine
flame.
The first appearance of Mr. Puttyman in his new character of Merriman,
is highly creditable to a new beginner, and we have little doubt that
after a suitable intellectual training by Mr. Gossin, and a few stray
tricks from Signor Carlo, he will be able to perform a creditable
engagement with Dan Rice. Indeed, we do not know but with the aid of
lamp-black and a dictionary, he might be converted into an excellent
Brother Bones, if not a joker in all the spirit of Tom Brown, and the
quaintness of the late inveterate Horn. When other occupations are gone.
Mr. Puttyman, from this specimen of jocularity, is entitled to a front
seat in the saw dust.
EUREKA.—There having been great inquiry made as to whom the statue in
the City Hall Park represents, we are happy to inform the inquisitive
that we learn by a dispatch sent us by the Atlantic Telegraph, that it
is the _fac simile_ of the great Puttyman.
A GREATER UNION THAN THE TELEGRAPH.—The political junction between Peter
Cooper and Tiemann. The cable can’t stand comparison with the cement of
putty and glue.
How to Shed a Ray of Light.
At the Cable demonstration on the 1st, Aldermanic politeness showed
itself in its true colors by the virtual expulsion of reporters from the
Crystal Palace. Immediately previously to the commencement of the
exercises, Mr. Lowber, a protege of the reformer’s, whose name may be
remembered in connection with a claim against the city, ordered the
removal of the tables and benches allowed to the press. Alderman Thomas
McSpedon, whose name will become famous to the press before the whole of
the documents in the Hall of Records are printed, forthwith directed the
removal of the pressgang, which, like the Joseph Walker, was held by Mr.
Lowber to be a nuisance. This summary proceeding was characteristic of
aldermanic wisdom, by forgetting that while the wide world was
interested in the cable, our astute gentleman imagined that he had it
safely coiled in his breeches pocket. Luckily all the addresses, which
had the sanction of the Common Council, were in print for a few days
before their delivery, and that portion of our municipal greatness has
escaped certain loss. Unfortunately there are two sides to a question as
well as an address, and as the British recipients of the addresses, as
well as the Captain of the Niagara, were not up to the mysteries of the
Tea-Room, their replies are forever lost. We have doubtless lost the
wheat and secured the chaff.
STRANGE, IF TRUE.—We read in the _Herald_ the other day, that, in the
opinion of that oracle, the successful laying of the Trans-atlantic
Cable would change the whole moral aspect of human affairs—the _Herald_
included. Now we must confess we do belong to that class of persons
which believe that physical agency and morals are intimately allied, and
that the great achievement of submerging the cable will produce more or
less a moral effect. Still we are doubtful of the _Herald_. We are
equally doubtful whether the successful laying of two cables and a half
dozen other scientific victories much greater than anything that has yet
transpired, could produce an improvement in the moral character of the
_Herald_. Bennett is too great and too hardened a sinner. Still we have
heard of repentance at the eleventh hour.
A GOOD IDEA.—Our devil suggests that the great Puttyman would do well to
hire Jobson to edit the _Satanic_. This might be beneficial to Puttyman,
but we doubt whether Mr. Jobson would consent to lend his brain in such
a filthy channel. The great French historian can do better.
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