The undulations of the popular excitement in town, were not long in
reaching the calm retreat of Mr. Titmouse in Yorkshire. To say nothing
of his having on several occasions observed artists busily engaged in
sketching different views of the Hall and its surrounding scenery, and,
on inquiry, discovered that they had been sent from London for the
express purpose of presenting to the excited public sketches of the
"residence of Mr. Titmouse," a copy of the inimitable performance of Mr.
Bladdery Pip--viz. "TIPPETIWINK," (tenth edition) was sent down to Mr.
Titmouse by Gammon; who also forwarded to him, from time to time,
newspapers containing those paragraphs which identified Titmouse with
the hero of the novel, and also testified the profound impression which
it was making upon the thinking classes of the community. Was Titmouse's
wish to witness the ferment he had so unconsciously produced in the
metropolis, unreasonable? Yatton was beginning to look duller daily,
even before the arrival of this stimulating intelligence from town;
Titmouse feeling quite out of his element. So--Gammon _non
contradicente_--up came Titmouse to town. If he had not been naturally a
fool, the notice he attracted in London must soon have made him one. He
had been for coming up in a post-chaise and four; but Gammon, in a
letter, succeeded in dissuading him from incurring so useless an
expense, assuring him that men of even as high consideration as himself,
constantly availed themselves of the safe and rapid transit afforded by
the royal mail. His valet, on being appealed to, corroborated Mr.
Gammon's representations; adding, that the late hour in the evening at
which that respectable vehicle arrived in town would effectually shroud
him from public observation. Giving strict and repeated orders to his
valet to deposit him at once "in a first-rate West-End hotel," the
haughty lord of Yatton, plentifully provided with cigars, stepped into
the mail, his valet perching himself upon the box-seat. That gifted
functionary was well acquainted with town, and resolved on his master's
taking up his quarters at the Harcourt Hotel, in the immediate vicinity
of Bond Street.
The mail passed the Peacock, at Islington, about half-past eight
o'clock; and long before they had reached even that point, the eager and
anxious eye of Titmouse had been on the look-out for indications of his
celebrity. He was, however, compelled to own that both people and places
seemed much as usual--wearing no particular air of excitement. At this
he was a little chagrined, till he reflected on the vulgar ignorance of
the movements of the great, for which the eastern regions of the
metropolis were proverbial, and also on the increasing duskiness of the
evening, the rapid pace at which the mail rattled along, and the
circumstance of his being concealed inside. When his humble
hackney-coach (its driver a feeble old man, with a wisp of straw for a
hat-band, and sitting on the rickety box like a heap of dirty old
clothes, and the flagging and limping horses looking truly miserable
objects) had rumbled slowly up to the lofty and gloomy door of the
Harcourt Hotel, it seemed to excite no notice whatever. A tall waiter,
in a plain suit of black evening dress, with his hands stuck behind his
coat-tails, continued standing in the ample doorway, eying the plebeian
vehicle which had drawn up, with utter indifference--conjecturing,
probably, that it had come to the wrong door. With the same air of
provoking superciliousness he stood till the valet, having jumped down
from his seat beside the driver, ran up, and in a peremptory sort of way
exclaimed, "MR. TITMOUSE of Yatton!" This stirred the waiter into
something like energy.
"Here, sir!" called out Mr. Titmouse from within the coach; and on the
waiter's slowly approaching, the former inquired of him in a
sufficiently swaggering manner--"Pray, has the _Earl of Dreddlington_
been inquiring for me here to-day?" The words seemed to operate like
magic; converting the person addressed, in a moment, into a
slave--supple and obsequious.
"His Lordship has not been here to-day, sir," he replied in a low tone,
with a most courteous inclination, gently opening the door, and
noiselessly letting down the steps. "Do you alight, sir?"
"Why--a--have you room for me, and my _fellow_ there?"
"Oh yes, sir! certainly.--Shall I show you into the coffee-room, sir?"
"The coffee-room? Curse the coffee-room, sir! Demme, sir, do you suppose
I'm a commercial traveller? Show me into a private room, sir!" The
waiter bowed low; and in silent surprise led Mr. Titmouse to a very
spacious and elegantly-furnished apartment--where, amid the blaze of six
wax candles, and attended by three waiters, he supped, an hour or two
afterwards, in great state--retiring about eleven o'clock to his
apartment, overcome with fatigue--and brandy and water: having
fortunately escaped the indignity of being forced to sit in the room
where an English nobleman, two or three county members, and a couple of
foreign princes, were sitting sipping their claret, some writing
letters, and others conning over the evening papers. About noon, the
next day, he called upon the Earl of Dreddlington; and though, under
ordinary circumstances, his Lordship would have considered the visit
rather unseasonable, he nevertheless received his fortunate and now
truly distinguished kinsman with the most urbane cordiality. At the
earl's suggestion, and with Mr. Gammon's concurrence, Titmouse, within
about a week after his arrival in town, took a set of chambers in the
Albany, together with the elegant furniture which had belonged to their
late tenant, a distinguished fashionable, who had shortly before
suddenly gone abroad upon a mission of great importance--_to himself_:
viz. to avoid his creditors. Mr. Titmouse soon began to feel, in various
ways, the distinction which was attached to his name--commencing, as he
did at once, the gay and brilliant life of a man of high fashion, and
under the august auspices of the Earl of Dreddlington. Like as a cat,
shod with walnut-shells by some merry young scapegrace, doubtless feels
more and more astounded at the clatter it makes in scampering up and
down the bare echoing floors and staircases; so, in some sort, was it
with Titmouse, in respect of the sudden and amazing _éclat_ with which
all his appearances and movements were attended in the regions of
fashion. 'Tis a matter of indifference to a fool, whether you laugh
_with_ him or _at_ him; so as that you do but laugh--an observation
which will account for much of the conduct both of Lord Dreddlington and
Titmouse. In this short life, and dull world, the thing is--to create a
_sensation_, never mind how; and every opportunity of doing so should be
gratefully seized hold of, and improved to the uttermost, by those who
have nothing else to do, and have an inclination to distinguish
themselves from the common herd of mankind, and show that they have not
lived in vain. Lord Dreddlington had got so inflated by the attention he
excited, that he set down everything he witnessed to the score of
deference and admiration. His self-conceit was so intense, that it
consumed every vestige of sense he had about him. He stood in solitary
grandeur upon the lofty pillar of his pride, inaccessible to ridicule,
and insensible indeed of its approach, like _vanity_ "on a monument
smiling at" _scorn_. Indeed,
"His soul was like a star, and dwelt apart."
He did not conceive it possible for any one to laugh at _him_, or
anything he might choose to do, or any one he might think fit to
associate with and introduce to the notice of society--which kind office
he forthwith performed for Titmouse, to whose odd person, and somewhat
eccentric dress and demeanor, his Lordship (who imagined that the same
operation was going on in the minds of other people) was growing daily
more reconciled. Thus, that which had at first so shocked his Lordship,
he got at length perfectly familiar and satisfied with, and began to
suspect whether it had not been assumed by Titmouse, out of a daring
scorn for the intrusive opinions of the world, which showed a loftiness
of spirit akin to his Lordship's own. Besides, in another point of
view--suppose the manner and appearance of Titmouse were ever so absurd,
so long as his Lordship chose to tolerate them, who should venture to
gainsay them? So the earl asked him frequently to dinner; took him with
them when his Lordship and Lady Cecilia went out in the evenings; gave
him a seat in his carriage in going down to the House; and invited him
to accompany him and Lady Cecilia when they either drove or rode round
the Park. As for the matter of riding, Titmouse's assiduous attention at
the riding-school, enabled him to appear on horseback without being
_glaringly_ unequal to the management of his horse, which, however, he
more than once induced to back somewhat threateningly upon those of Lady
Cecilia and the earl. Titmouse happening to let fall, at the earl's
table, that he had that day ordered an elegant chariot to be built for
him, his Lordship intimated that a cab was the usual turn-out of a
bachelor man of fashion; whereupon Titmouse the next day countermanded
his order, and was fortunate enough to secure a cab which had just been
completed for a young nobleman who was unable to pay for it, and whom,
consequently, the builder did not care about disappointing. He soon
provided himself with a great horse and a little tiger. What pen can do
justice to the feelings with which he first sat down in that cab,
yielding upon its thoroughly well-balanced springs, took the reins from
his little tiger, and then heard him jump up behind! As it was a trifle
too early for the Park, he suddenly bethought himself of exhibiting his
splendors before the establishment of Mr. Tag-rag; so he desired his
little imp behind to run and summon his valet, who in a trice came down;
and in answer to a question, "whether there wasn't something wanting
from a draper or hosier," was informed glibly, that six dozen of best
cambric pocket handkerchiefs, a dozen or two pair of white kid gloves,
half-a-dozen stocks, and various other items were "wanting"--(_i. e._ by
the valet himself, for Titmouse was already profusely provided with
these articles.) Off, however, he drove--occupied with but one idea--and
succeeded, at length, in reaching the Oxford Street establishment,
before the door of which five or six carriages were standing. I should
say that, at the moment of Mr. Titmouse's strutting into that scene of
his former miserable servitude, he experienced a gush of delight
sufficient to have effaced all recollection of the wretchedness,
privation, and oppression, endured in his early days. There was
presently an evident flutter among the gentlemen engaged behind the
counter--for, thought they--it must be "the great Mr. Titmouse!" Mr.
Tag-rag, catching sight of him, bounced out of his little room, and
bustled up to him through the crowd of customers, bowing, scraping,
blushing, and rubbing his hands, full of pleasurable excitement, and
exhibiting the most profound obsequiousness. "Hope you're well, sir," he
commenced in a low tone, but instantly added, in a louder voice,
observing that Mr. Titmouse chose to appear to have come merely upon
business, "what can I have the honor to do for you, sir, this morning?"
And handing him a stool, Tag-rag, with a respectful air, received a very
liberal order from Mr. Titmouse, and called for a shopman to make a
minute of the precious words which fell from the lips of Mr. Titmouse.
"Dear me, sir, is that your cab?" said Tag-rag, as, having accompanied
Titmouse, bowing at every step, to the door, they both stood there for a
moment, "I never saw such a beautiful turn-out in my life, sir"----
"Ya--a--s. Pretty well--pretty well; but that young rascal of mine's
dirtied one of his boots a little--dem him!" and he looked terrors at
the tiger.
"Oh dear!--so he has; shall I wipe it off, sir? _Do_ let one of my young
men"----
"No, it don't signify much. By the way, Mr. Tag-rag," added Mr.
Titmouse, in a drawling way, "all well at--at--demme if I've not, at
this moment, forgot the name of your place in the country"----
"Satin Lodge, sir," said Tag-rag, meekly, but with infinite inward
uneasiness.
"Oh--ay, to be sure. One sees, 'pon my soul, such a lot of
places--but--eh?--all well?"
"All very well, indeed, sir; and constantly talking of you, sir,"
replied Tag-rag, with an earnestness amounting to intensity.
"Ah--well! My compliments--" here he drew on his second glove, and moved
towards his cab, Tag-rag accompanying him--"glad they're well. If ever
I'm driving that way--good-day!" In popped Titmouse--up jumped his tiger
behind--crack went his whip--and away darted the horse and splendid
vehicle--Tag-rag following it with an admiring and anxious eye.
As Mr. Titmouse sat in his cab, on his way to the Park, dressed in the
extreme of the mode; his glossy hat perched sideways on his bushy,
well-oiled, but somewhat mottled hair; his surtout lined with velvet;
his full satin stock, spangled with inwrought gold flowers, and
ornamented with two splendid pins, connected together with delicate
double gold chains; his shirt-collar turned down over his stock; his
chased gold eyeglass stuck in his right eye; the stiff wristbands of his
shirt turned back over his coat-cuffs; and his red hands concealed in
snowy kid gloves, holding his whip and reins with graceful ease: when he
considered the exquisite figure he must thus present to the eye of all
beholders, and gave them credit for gazing at him with the same sort of
feelings which similar sights had, but a few months before, excited in
_his_ despairing breast, his little cup of happiness was full, and even
brimming over. This, though I doubt whether it was a just reflection,
was still a very natural one; for he knew what his own feelings were,
though not how weak and absurd they were; and of course judged of others
by himself. If the Marquis of Whigborough, with his £200,000 a-year, and
5,000 independent voters at his command, had been on his way down to the
House, absorbed with anxiety as to the effect of the final threat he was
going to make to the Minister, that, unless he had a few strawberry
leaves promised him, he should feel it his duty to record his vote
against the great BILL for "_Giving Everybody Everything_," which stood
for a third reading that evening; or the great Duke of ----, a glance of
whose eye, or a wave of whose hand, was sufficient to have lit up an
European war, and who might at that moment have been balancing in his
mind the fate of millions of mankind, as depending upon his _fiat_ for
peace or war:--I say, that if both, or either of these personages, had
passed or met Mr. Titmouse, in their cabs, (which they were mechanically
urging onward, so absorbed the while with their own thoughts, that they
scarce knew whether they were in a cab or a handbarrow, in which latter,
had it been before their gates, either of them might, in his
abstraction, have seated himself;) Titmouse's superior acquaintance with
human nature assured him, that the sight of his tip-top turn-out, could
not fail of attracting their attention, and nettling their pride.
Whether Milton, if cast on a desolate island, but with the means of
writing _Paradise Lost_, would have done so, had he been certain that no
human eye would ever peruse a line of it; or whether Mr. Titmouse, had
he been suddenly deposited in his splendid cab, in the midst of the
desert of Sahara, with not one of his species to fix an envying eye upon
him, would nevertheless have experienced a great measure of
satisfaction, I am not prepared to say. As, however, every condition of
life has its mixture of good and evil, so, if Titmouse had been placed
in the midst of the aforesaid desert at the time when he was last before
the reader, instead of dashing along Oxford Street, he would have
escaped certain difficulties and dangers which he presently encountered.
Had an ape, not acquainted with the science of driving, been put into
Titmouse's place, he would probably have driven much in the same style,
though he would have had greatly the advantage over his rival in respect
of his simple and natural appearance; being, to the eye of correct
taste, "when unadorned, adorned the most." Mr. Titmouse, in spite of the
assistance to his sight which he derived from his _neutral_[21] glass,
was continually coming into collision with the vehicles which met and
passed him, on his way to Cumberland Gate. He got into no fewer than
four distinct _rows_ (to say nothing of the flying curses which he
received in passing) between the point which I have named, and Mr.
Tag-rag's premises. But as he was by no means destitute of spirit, he
sat in his cab, on these four occasions, cursing and blaspheming like a
little fiend; till he almost brought tears of vexation into the eyes of
one or two of his opponents, (cads, cab-drivers, watermen,
hackney-coachmen, carters, stage-coachmen, market-gardeners, and
draymen,) who unexpectedly found their own weapon--_i. e.
slang_--wielded with such superior power and effect, for once in a way,
by a swell--an aristocrat. The more manly of his opponents were filled
with secret respect for the possessor of such unsuspected powers. Still
it was unpleasant for a person of Mr. Titmouse's distinction to be
engaged in these conflicts; and he would have given the world to have
conquered his conceit so far as to summon his little tiger within, and
surrender to him the reins. Such a ridiculous confession of his own
incapacity, however, he could not think of, and he got into several
little disturbances in the Park; after which he drove home: the battered
cab had to be taken to the maker's, where the injuries it had sustained
were repaired, however, for the trifling sum of forty pounds.
The position obtained for Titmouse by the masterly genius of Mr.
Bladdery Pip, was secured and strengthened by much more substantial
claims upon the respect of society than those derived from literary
genius. Rumor is a dame always looking at objects through very strong
magnifying-glasses; and who, guided by what she saw, soon gave out that
Titmouse was patron of three boroughs; had a clear rent-roll of thirty
thousand a-year; and had already received nearly a hundred thousand
pounds in hard cash from the previous proprietor of his estates, as a
compensation for the back rents, which that usurper had been for so many
years in the receipt of. Then he was--in truth and fact--very near in
succession to the ancient and distinguished Barony of Drelincourt, and
the extensive estates thereto annexed. He was young; by no means
ill-looking; and was--unmarried. Under the mask of _naïveté_ and
eccentricity, it was believed that he concealed great natural acuteness,
for the purpose of ascertaining who were his real and who only his
pretended friends and well-wishers, and that his noble relatives had
given in to his little scheme, for the purpose of aiding him in the
important discovery upon which he was bent. Infinite effect was thus
given to the earl's introductions. Wherever Titmouse went, he found new
and delightful acquaintances; and invitations to dinners, balls, routs,
soirées, came showering daily into his rooms at the Albany, where also
were left innumerable cards, bearing names of very high fashion. All who
had daughters or sisters in the market, paid eager and persevering court
to Mr. Titmouse, and still more so to the Earl of Dreddlington and Lady
Cecilia, his august _sponsors_; so that--such being the will of that
merry jade Fortune--they who had once regarded him as an object only of
shuddering disgust and ineffable contempt, and had been disposed to
order their servants to show him out again into the streets, were now,
in a manner, _magnified and made honorable_ by means of their connection
with him; or rather, society, through his means, had become suddenly
sensible of the commanding qualities and pretensions of the Earl of
Dreddlington and the Lady Cecilia. In the ball-room--at Almack's
even--how many young men, handsome, accomplished, and of the highest
personal consequence and rank, applied in vain for the hand of haughty
beauty, which Mr. Titmouse had only to ask for, and obtain! Whose was
the opera-box into which he might not drop as a welcome visitor, and be
seen lounging in envied familiarity with its fair and brilliant inmates?
Were there not mothers of high fashion, of stately pride, of sounding
rank, who would have humbled themselves before Titmouse, if thereby he
could have been brought a suitor to the feet of one of their delicate
and beautiful daughters? But it was not over the fair sex alone that the
magic of Mr. Titmouse's name and pretensions had obtained this great and
sudden ascendency; he excited no small attention among men of
fashion--great numbers of whom quickly recognized in him one very fit to
become their butt and their dupe. What signified it to men secure of
their own position in society, that they were seen openly associating
with one so outrageously absurd in his dress--and vulgar and ignorant
beyond all example? So long as he bled freely, and "_trotted out_,"
briskly and willingly, his eccentricities could be not merely tolerated,
but humored. Take, for instance, the gay and popular MARQUIS
GANTS-JAUNES DE MILLEFLEURS; but he is worth a word or two of
description, because of the position he had contrived to acquire and
retain, and the influence which he managed to exercise over a
considerable portion of London society. The post he was anxious to
secure was that of the leader of _ton_; and he wished it to appear that
that was the sole object of his ambition. While, however, he affected to
be entirely engrossed by such matters as devising new and exquisite
variations of dress, equipage, and cookery, he was, in reality, bent
upon graver pursuits--upon gratifying his own licentious tastes and
inclinations, with secrecy and impunity. He really despised _folly_,
cultivating and practising only _vice_; in which he was, in a manner, an
epicure. He was now about his forty-second year; had been handsome; was
of bland and fascinating address; variously accomplished; of exquisite
tact; of most refined taste. There was, however, a slight fulness and
puffiness about his features--an expression in his eye which spoke of
_satiety_--and spoke truly. He was a very proud, selfish, heartless
person; but these qualities he contrived to disguise from many of even
his most intimate associates. An object of constant anxiety to him, was
to ingratiate himself with the younger and weaker branches of the
aristocracy, in order to secure a distinguished _status_ in society, and
he succeeded. To gain this point, he taxed all his resources; never were
so exquisitely blended, as in his instance, with a view to securing his
_influence_, the qualities of dictator and parasite: he always appeared
the _agreeable equal_ of those whom, for his life, he dared not
seriously have offended. He had no fortune; no visible means of making
money--did not sensibly sponge upon his friends, nor fall into
conspicuous embarrassments; yet he always lived in luxury.--Without
money, he in some inconceivable manner always contrived to be in the
possession of money's worth. He had a magical power of soothing
querulous tradesmen. He had a knack of always keeping himself, his
_clique_, his sayings and doings, before the eye of the public, in such
a manner as to satisfy it that he was the acknowledged leader of
fashion. Yet was it in truth no such thing--but only a _false_ fashion;
there being all the difference between him, and a man of real
consequence, in society, that there is between mock and real
pearl--between paste and diamond. It was true that young men of sounding
name and title were ever to be found in his train, thereby giving real
countenance to one from whom they fancied (till they found out their
mistake) that they themselves derived celebrity; thus enabling him to
effect a lodgement in the outskirts of aristocracy; but he could not
penetrate inland, so to speak, any more than foreign merchants can
advance farther than to Canton, in the dominions of the Emperor of
China.[22] He was only tolerated in the regions of real rank and
fashion--a fact of which he had a very galling consciousness; though it
did not, apparently, disturb his equanimity, or interrupt the systematic
and refined sycophancy by which alone he could secure his precarious
position.
With some sad exceptions, I think that Great Britain has reason to be
proud of her aristocracy. I do not speak now of those gaudy flaunting
personages, of either sex, who, by their excesses or eccentricities, are
eternally obtruding themselves, their manners, dress, and equipage, upon
the offended ear and eye of the public; but of those who occupy their
exalted sphere in simplicity, in calmness, and in unobtrusive dignity
and virtue. I am no flatterer or idolater of the nobility. I have a
profound sense of the necessity and advantage of the _institution_: but
I shall ever pay its _members_, personally, an honest homage only, after
a stern and keen scrutiny into their personal pretensions; thinking of
them ever in the spirit of those memorable words of Scripture--"_Unto
whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required_," and that not
hereafter only, but HERE also. No one would visit their faults and
follies with a more unsparing severity than I; yet making all just
allowances for their peculiar perils and temptations, exposed, as they
are, especially at the period of their entrance upon life, to sedulous
and systematic sycophancy, too often also to artful and designing
profligacy. Can, however, anything excite greater indignation and
disgust in the mind of a thoughtful and independent observer than the
instances occasionally exhibited of persons of rank presumptuously
imagining that they enjoy a sort of prescriptive immunity from the
consequences of misconduct? An insolent or profligate nobleman is a
spectacle becoming every day more dangerous to exhibit in this country;
of that he may be assured.
Such are _my_ sentiments--those of a contented member of the middle
classes, with whom are all his best and dearest sympathies, and who
feels as stern a pride in his "Order," and determination to "_stand by
it_" too, as ever was felt or avowed by the haughtiest aristocrat for
_his_; of one who, with very little personal acquaintance with the
aristocracy, has yet had opportunities of observing their conduct; and
sincerely and cheerfully expresses his belief, that very, very many of
them are worthy of all that they enjoy--are bright patterns of honor,
generosity, loyalty, and virtue; that, indeed, of by far the greater
proportion of them it may be said that they
"Have borne their faculties so meek--have been
So clear in their great office, that their virtues
Will plead like angels."
And finally, I say these are the sentiments of one who, if that Order
were in jeopardy, would, with the immense majority of his brethren of
the middle classes, freely shed his blood in defence of it: for its
preservation is essential to the well-being of society, and its
privileges are really ours.
To return, however, to the marquis. The means to which, as I have above
explained, he resorted for the purpose, secured him a certain species of
permanent popularity. In matters of dress and equipage, he could really
set the fashion; and being something of a practical humorist, and
desirous of frequent exhibitions of his influence in order to enhance
his pretensions with his patrons--and being also greatly applauded and
indulged by the tradespeople profiting by the vagaries of fashion, he
was very capricious in the exercise of his influence. He seized the
opportunity of the advent of my little hero, to display his powers very
advantageously. He waved his wand over Titmouse, and instantly
transformed a little ass into a great lion. 'Twas the marquis, who with
his own hand had sketched off, from fancy, the portrait of Titmouse,
causing it to be exhibited in almost every bookseller's shop-window.
Well knew the marquis, that had he chosen to make his appearance once or
twice in the parks, and leading streets and squares, in--for
instance--the full and imposing evening costume of the clown at the
theatre, with cunningly colored countenance, capacious white
inexpressibles, and tasteful cap and jacket--within a few days' time
several thousands of clowns would make their appearance about town,
turning it into a vast pantomime. Could a more striking instance of the
marquis's power in such matters have been exhibited, than that which had
actually occurred in the case of Titmouse? Soon after the novel of
Tippetiwink had rendered our friend an object of public interest, the
marquis happened, somewhere or other, to catch a glimpse of the
preposterous little ape. His keen eye caught all Titmouse's personal
peculiarities at a glance; and a day or two afterwards he appeared in
public, a sort of splendid edition of Titmouse--with quizzing-glass
stuck in his eye and cigar in his mouth; taper ebony cane; tight
surtout, with the snowy corner of a white handkerchief peeping out of
the outside breast-pocket; hat with scarce any rim perched slantingly on
his head; satin stock bespangled with inwrought gold flowers;
shirt-collar turned down; and that inimitable strut of his!--'Twas
enough; the thoughtful young men about town were staggered for a moment;
but their senses soon returned. _The marquis_ had stamped the thing with
his fiat; and within three days' time, that bitter wag had called forth
a flight of _Titmice_ which would have reminded you, for a moment, of
the visitation of locusts brought upon Egypt by Moses. Thus had been
effected the state of things, recorded towards the close of the
preceding chapter of this history. As soon as the marquis had seen a few
of the leading fools about town fairly in the fashion, he resumed his
former rigid simplicity of attire; and, accompanied by a friend or two
in his confidence, walked about the town enjoying his triumph;
witnessing his trophies--"Tittlebats" and "Titmouseties" filling the
shop-windows on the week-days, and peopling the streets on Sundays. The
marquis was not long in obtaining an introduction to the quaint little
_millionaire_, whose reputation he had, conjointly with his
distinguished friend Mr. Bladdery Pip, contributed so greatly to extend.
Titmouse, who had often heard of him, looked upon him with inconceivable
reverence, and accepted an invitation to one of the marquis's
_recherché_ Sunday dinners, with a sort of tremulous ecstasy. Thither on
the appointed day he went accordingly, and, by his original humor,
afforded infinite amusement to the marquis's other guests. 'Twas lucky
for Titmouse that, getting dreadfully drunk very early in the evening,
he was utterly incapacitated from accompanying his brilliant and
good-natured host to one or two scenes of fashionable entertainment, in
St. James's Street, as had been arranged between the marquis and a few
of his friends!
Let us pause now to ask whether this poor little creature was not to be
pitied? Did he not seem to have been plucked out of his own sphere of
safe and comparatively happy obscurity, only in order to become every
one's game--an object of everybody's cupidity and cruelty? May he not be
compared to the flying-fish, who, springing out of the water to avoid
his deadly pursuer there, is instantly pounced upon by his ravenous
assailants in the air? In the lower, and in the upper regions of
society, was not this the condition of poor Tittlebat Titmouse? Was not
his long-coveted advancement merely a transition from scenes of vulgar
to refined rapacity? Had he, ever since "_luck_ had happened to him,"
had one single _friend_ to whisper in his ear one word of pity and of
disinterested counsel? In the splendid regions which he had entered,
who regarded him otherwise than as a legitimate object for plunder or
ridicule, the latter disguised by the _designing_ only? Was not even his
dignified and exemplary old kinsman, the Earl of Dreddlington, Right
Honorable as he was, influenced solely by considerations of paltry
self-interest? Had he not his own ridiculous and mercenary designs to
accomplish, amid all the attentions he vouchsafed to bestow upon
Titmouse? 'Twas, I think, old Hobbes of Malmesbury who held, that the
natural state of mankind was one of war with each other. One really sees
a good deal in life, especially after tracing the progress of society,
that would seem to give some color to so strange a notion. 'Twas, of
course, at first a matter of downright fisticuffs--of physical strife,
occasioned, in a great measure, by our natural tendencies, according to
him of Malmesbury; and aggravated by the desire which everybody had, to
take away from everybody else what he had. In process of time we have,
in a measure, dropped the physical part of the business; and instead of
punching, scratching, kicking, biting, and knocking down one another,
still true to the original principles of our nature, we are all
endeavoring to circumvent one another: everybody is trying to take
everybody in; the moment that one of us has got together a thing or two,
he is pounced upon by his neighbor, who in his turn falls a prey to
another, and so on in endless succession. We cannot effectually help
ourselves, though we are splitting our heads to discover devices by way
of laws, to restrain this propensity of our nature: it will not do; we
are all overreaching, cheating, swindling, robbing one another, and, if
necessary, are ready to ruin, maim, and murder one another in the
prosecution of our designs. So is it with nations as with individuals,
and minor collections of individuals. Truly, truly, we are a precious
set, whether the sage of Malmesbury be right or wrong in his
speculations!----
The more that the earl and Lady Cecilia perceived of Titmouse's
popularity, the more eager were they in parading their connection with
him, and openly investing him with the character of a protégé. In
addition to this, the Lady Cecilia had begun to have now and then a
glimmering notion of the objects which the earl was contemplating. If
the earl, having taken him down to the House of Lords, and secured him a
place at the bar, would, immediately on entering, walk up to him, and be
seen for some time--august instructor!--condescendingly pointing out to
him the different peers by name, as they entered, and explaining to his
intelligent auditor the period, and mode, and cause, of the creation and
accession of many of them to their honors, and also the forms,
ceremonies, and routine of business in the House; so Lady Cecilia was
not remiss in availing herself, in her way, of the little opportunities
which presented themselves. She invited him, for instance, one day early
in the week, to accompany them to church on the ensuing Sunday, and
during the interval gave out among her intimate friends that they might
expect to see Mr. Titmouse in her papa's pew. The lion accepted the
invitation; and, on the arrival of the appointed hour, might have been
seen in the earl's carriage, driving to attend the afternoon's service,
at the Reverend MORPHINE VELVET'S chapel--_Rosemary_ Chapel, near St.
James's Square. 'Twas a fashionable chapel; a chapel _of Ease_: rightly
so called, for it was a very _easy_ mode of worship, discipline, and
doctrine that was there practised and inculcated. If I may adopt without
irreverence the language of Scripture, but apply it very differently, I
should say that Mr. Morphine Velvet's yoke was _very_ "easy," his burden
_very_ "light." He was a popular preacher; middle-aged; sleek, serene,
solemn in his person and demeanor. He had a very gentlemanlike
appearance in the pulpit and reading-desk. There was a sort of soothing,
winning elegance and tenderness in the tone and manner in which he
"_prayed_" and "_besought_" his "dearly beloved brethren, as many as
were there present, to accompany him," their bland and graceful pastor,
"to the throne of the heavenly grace!" Fit leader was he of such a
flock. He read the prayers remarkably well, in a quiet and subdued tone,
very distinctly, and with marked emphasis and intonation--in fact, in a
most gentlemanly manner--having sedulously studied under a crack
theatrical teacher of elocution, who had given him several "points"--in
fact, a new reading entirely of one of the clauses in the Lord's Prayer;
and which, he had the gratification of perceiving, produced a striking,
if not, indeed, a startling effect. On the little finger of the hand
which he used most, was to be observed the sparkle of a diamond ring;
and there was a sort of careless grace in the curl of his hair, which it
had taken his hairdresser at least half an hour, before Mr. Velvet's
leaving home for his chapel, to secure. In the pulpit he was calm and
fluent. _That_, he rightly considered, ought not to be the scene for
attempting intellectual display. He took care, therefore, that there
should be nothing in his sermons to arrest the _understanding_, or
unprofitably occupy it; addressing himself entirely to the feelings and
fancy of his cultivated audience, in frequently interesting and even
charming imaginative compositions. On the occasion I am speaking of, he
took for his text a fearful passage of Scripture, 2 Cor. iv. 3,--"_But
if our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost._" If any words
were calculated to startle such a congregation as was arrayed before Mr.
Velvet, out of their guilty and fatal apathy, were not these? Ought not
their minister to have looked round him and trembled? So one would have
thought; but "_dear_ Mr. Velvet" knew his mission and his flock better.
He presented them with an elegant description of heaven, with its
crystal battlements, its jasper walls, its buildings of pure gold, its
foundations of precious stones; its balmy air, its sounds of mysterious
melody, its overflowing fulness of everlasting happiness--amid which
friends, parted upon earth by the cruel stroke of death, recognize and
are reunited to each other, never more to pronounce the agonizing word
"adieu!" And would his dear hearers be content to lose all this--content
to _enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season_? Forbid it, eternal
mercy!--But lest a strain like this should disturb or distress his
hearers, he took the opportunity to enforce and illustrate the
consolatory truth that--
"Religion never was design'd
To _make our pleasures less_;"
and presently resuming the thread of his discourse, went on to speak of
the unquestionably serious consequences attending a persevering
indifference to religion; and proceeded to give striking instances of it
in--the merchant in his counting-house, and on 'change; the lawyer in
his office; the tradesman in his shop; the operative in the manufactory;
showing how each was absorbed in his calling--_laboring for the meat
which perisheth_, till he had lost all appetite and relish for spiritual
food, and never once troubled himself about "the momentous concerns of
hereafter!" Upon these topics he dwelt with such force and feeling, that
he sent his distinguished congregation away--those of them, at least,
who could retain any recollection of what they had heard for five
minutes after entering their carriages--with lively fears that there was
a very black look-out, indeed, for--the kind of persons whom Mr. Velvet
had mentioned--viz. tailors, milliners, mercers, jewellers, and so
forth; and who added graver offences, and of a more positive character,
to the misconduct which he had pointed out--in their extortion and their
rapacity! Would that some of them had been present!--Thus was it that
dear Mr. Velvet sent away his hearers overflowing with Christian
sympathy; very well pleased with Mr. Velvet, but infinitely better
pleased with themselves! The deep impression he had made, was evidenced
by a note which he received that evening from the Duchess of Broadacre;
most earnestly begging permission to copy his "beautiful sermon," in
order to send it to her sister, Lady Belle Almacks, who (through early
dissipation) was ill of a decline at Naples. I may as well here mention,
that about the time of which I am speaking, there came out an engraved
portrait of "the Rev. Morphine Velvet, M. A., Minister of Rosemary
Chapel, St. James," and a very charming picture it was, representing the
aforesaid Mr. Velvet in pulpit costume and attitude, with hands
gracefully outstretched, and his face directed upward, with a heavenly
expression; suggesting to you the possibility that some fine day, when
his hearers least expected it, he might gently rise out of his pulpit
into the air, like Stephen, with heaven open before him, and _be no more
seen of men!_
Four or five carriages had to set down before that containing the Earl
of Dreddlington, Lady Cecilia, and Mr. Titmouse, could draw up; by which
time there had accumulated as many in its rear, so eager were the pious
aristocrats to get into this _holy retreat_. As Titmouse, holding his
hat and cane in one hand, while with the other he arranged his hair,
strutted up the centre aisle, following the earl and Lady Cecilia, he
could hardly repress the exultation with which he thought of a former
visit of his to that very fabric some two years before. _Then_, on
attempting to enter the body of the chapel, the vergers had politely but
firmly repulsed him; on which, swelling with vexation, he had ascended
to the gallery, where, after having been kept standing for ten minutes
at least, he had been beckoned by the pew-opener towards, and squeezed
into, the furthermost pew, close at the back of the organ, and in which
said pew were two powdered footman. If disgusted with his mere
contiguity, guess what must have been his feelings when his nearest
companion good-naturedly forced upon him a part of his prayer-book;
which Titmouse, ready to spit in his face, held with his finger and
thumb, as though it had been the tail of a snake! _Now_, how changed was
all! He had become an aristocrat; in his veins ran some of the richest
and oldest blood in the country; his brow might ere long be graced by
the coronet which King Henry II. had placed upon the brow of the founder
of his family, some seven hundred years before; and a tall footman, with
powdered head, glistening silver shoulder-knot, and sky-blue livery, and
carrying in a bag the gilded implements of devotion, was humbly
following behind him! What a remarkable and vivid contrast between his
present and his former circumstances, was present at that moment to his
reflecting mind! As he stood, his hat covering his face, in an attitude
of devotion--"I wonder," thought he, "what all these nobs and swells
would say, if they knew the sort of figure I had cut here on the last
time?" and again--"'Pon my life, what would I give for--say
Huckaback--to see me just now!" What an elegant and fashionable air the
congregation wore! Surely there _must_ be something in religion, when
people such as were around him came so punctually to church, and behaved
so seriously! The members of that congregation were, indeed, exemplary
in their strict discharge of their public religious duties! Scarce one
of them was there who had not been at the opera till twelve o'clock
over-night; the dulcet notes of the singers were still thrilling in
their ears, the graceful attitudes of the dancers still present to their
eyes. Every previous night of the week had they been engaged in the
brilliant ball-room, and whirled in the mazes of the voluptuous waltz,
or glittering in the picturesque splendor of fancy dress, till three,
four, and five o'clock in the morning: yet here they were in the house
of God, in spite of all their exhaustion, testified by the heavy eye,
the ill-suppressed yawn, the languor and ennui visible in their
countenances, prepared to accompany their polite pastor, "with a pure
heart and humble voice, unto the throne of the heavenly grace," to
acknowledge, with lively emotion, that they "had followed too much the
devices and desires of their own hearts;" praying for "mercy upon them,
miserable offenders," that God would "restore them, being penitent," so
that "they might thereafter lead a godly, righteous, and sober life."
Here they were, punctual to their time, decorous in manner, devout in
spirit, earnest and sincere in repentance and good resolutions--knowing,
nevertheless the while, how would be spent the remainder of the
season--of their _lives_; and yet resolving to attend to the
respectfully affectionate entreaties of Mr. Velvet, to be "_not hearers
only, but doers of the word_." Generally, I should say, that the state
of mind of most, if not all of those present, was analogous to that of
persons who sit in the pump-room, to drink the Bath or Cheltenham
waters. Everybody did the same thing; and each hoped that, while sitting
in his pew, what he heard would, like what he drank at the pump-room, in
some secret mode of operation, insensibly benefit the hearer, without
subjecting him to any unpleasant restraint or discipline--without
requiring active exertion, or inconvenience, or sacrifice. This will
give you a pretty accurate notion of Lord Dreddlington's state of mind
upon the present occasion. With his gold glasses on, he followed with
his eye, and also with his voice, every word of the prayers, with rigid
accuracy and unwavering earnestness; but as soon as Mr. Velvet had
mounted the pulpit, and risen to deliver his discourse, the earl quietly
folded his arms, closed his eyes, and, in an attentive posture,
dignifiedly composed himself to sleep. Lady Cecilia sat beside him
perfectly motionless during the whole sermon, her eyes fixed languidly
upon the preacher. As for Titmouse, he bore it pretty well for about
five minutes; then he pulled his gloves off and on at least twenty
times; then he twisted his handkerchief round his fingers; then he
looked with a vexed air at his watch; then he stuck his glass in his
eye, and stared about him. By the time that Mr. Velvet had ceased,
Titmouse had conceived a very great dislike to him, and was indeed in a
fretful humor. But when the organ struck up, and they rose to go; when
he mingled with the soft, crushing, fluttering, rustling, satin-clad
throng--nodding to one, bowing to another, and shaking hands with a
third, he felt "himself again." The only difference between him and
those around him was, that _they_ had learned to bear with calm
fortitude what had so severely tried _his_ temper. All were glad to get
out: the crash of carriages at the door was music in their ears--the
throng of servants delightful objects to their eyes--they were, in
short, in the dear world again, and breathed as freely as ever!
Mr. Titmouse took leave of the earl and Lady Cecilia at their
carriage-door, having ordered his cab to be in waiting--as it was; and
entering it, he drove about leisurely till it was time to think of
dressing for dinner. He had accepted an invitation to dine with a party
of officers in the Guards, and a merry time they had on't. Titmouse in
due time got blind drunk; and then one of his companions, rapidly
advancing towards the same happy state, seized the opportunity, with a
burned cork, to blacken poor Titmouse's face all over--who thereupon
was pronounced to bear a very close resemblance to one of the black boys
belonging to the band of the regiment; and thus, when dead drunk,
afforded nearly as much fun to his companions as when sober. As he was
quite incapable of taking care of himself, they put a servant with him
into his cab, (judging his little tiger to be unequal to the
responsibility.)
Titmouse passed a sad night, but got better towards the middle of the
ensuing day; when he was sufficiently recovered to receive two visitors.
One of them was young Lord Frederic Feather, (accompanied by a friend,)
both of whom had dined in company with Titmouse over-night; and his
Lordship it was, who, having decorated Titmouse's countenance in the way
I have described--so as to throw his valet almost into fits on seeing
him brought home--imagining it might possibly come to his ears who it
was that had done him such a favor, had come to acknowledge and
apologize for it frankly and promptly. When, however, he perceived what
a fool he had got to deal with, he suddenly changed his course--declared
that Titmouse had not only done it himself, but had then presumed to act
similarly towards his Lordship, whose friend corroborated the
charge--and they had called to receive, in private, _an apology_!
Titmouse's breath seemed taken away on first hearing this astounding
version of the affair. He swore that he had done nothing of the sort,
but had _suffered_ a good deal; dropping, however, from the tight rope,
on observing the stern looks of his companions, he protested that at all
events "he did not recollect" anything of the kind; on which they smiled
good-naturedly, and said that _that_ was very possible. Then Titmouse
made the requisite apology; and thus this "awkward affair" ended. Lord
Frederic continued for some time with Titmouse in pleasant chat; for he
foresaw that, "hard up" as he frequently was, Mr. Titmouse was a friend
who might be exceedingly serviceable. In fact, poor Lord Frederic could,
on that very occasion, have almost gone on his knees for a check of Mr.
Titmouse upon his bankers for a couple of hundred pounds. Oh, thought
that "noble" young spark--what would _he_ have given to be in Titmouse's
position, with his twenty thousand a-year, and a hundred thousand pounds
of hard cash! But, as the reader well knows, poor Titmouse's resources,
ample as they were, were upon a far less splendid scale than was
supposed. Partly from inclination, and partly through a temporary sense
of embarrassment, occasioned by the want of ready money, Titmouse did
not spend a tenth part of the sum which it had been everywhere supposed
he could disburse freely on all hands: and this occasioned him to be
given credit for possessing all that rumor assigned to him; and,
moreover, for a disposition not to squander it. He had several times
been induced to try his hand at écarté, rouge et noir, and hazard; and
had, on the first occasion or two, been a little hurried away, through
deference to his distinguished associates, and bled rather freely; but
when he found that it was a matter of _business_--that he must
_pay_--and felt his purse growing lighter, and his pocket-book, in which
he kept his bank-notes, rapidly shrinking in dimensions as the evening
wore on, he experienced vivid alarm and disgust, and an increasing
disinclination to be "victimized;" and his aversion to play was
infinitely strengthened by the frequent cautions of his distinguished
and disinterested monitor, the Earl of Dreddlington.
But there was one step in Mr. Titmouse's upward progress which he
presently took, and which is worthy of special mention; I mean his
presentation at court by the Earl of Dreddlington. The necessity for
such a move was explained to Titmouse by his illustrious kinsman, a day
or two after the appearance of the ordinary official announcement of the
next levee. This momentous affair was broached by the earl, one day
after dinner, with an air of almost mysterious anxiety and interest.
Had, indeed, that stately and solemn old simpleton been instructing his
gaping protégé, in the minutely-awful etiquettes requisite for the due
discharge of his duties, as an ambassador sent upon a delicate and
embarrassing mission to the court of his Sacred Majesty the King of
Sulkypunctilio, he could not have appeared more penetrated by a sense of
the responsibility he was incurring. He commenced by giving Titmouse a
very long history of the origin and progress of such ceremonies, and a
minute account of the practical manner of their observance, all of
which, however, was to Titmouse only like breathing upon a
mirror--passing as quickly out of one ear as it had entered into the
other. When, however, the earl came to the point of dress, Titmouse was
indeed "a thing all ear, all eye," his little faculties being stimulated
to their utmost. The next morning he hurried off to his tailor, to order
a court dress. When it had been brought home for trial, and he had put
it on, upon returning to his room in his new and imposing costume, and
glancing at his figure in the glass, his face fell; and he felt
infinitely disappointed. It is to be remembered in candor, however, that
he had not on lace ruffles at his coat-cuffs, nor on his shirt-front.
After gazing at himself for a few moments in silence, he suddenly
snapped his fingers, and exclaimed to the tailor, who, with the valet,
was standing beside him, "Curse me if I like this thing at all!"
"Not like it, sir!" exclaimed Mr. Clipclose, with astonishment.
"No, I don't, demme! Is _this_ a court dress? It's a quaker's made into
a footman's! 'Pon my soul, I look the exact image of a footman; and a
devilish vulgar one too!" The two individuals beside him turned
suddenly away--looking in different directions--and from their noses
there issued the sounds of ill-suppressed laughter.
"Oh, sir--I beg a thousand pardons!"--quickly exclaimed Mr. Clipclose,
"what can I have been thinking about? There's the sword--we've quite
forgot it!"
"Ah--'pon my life, I thought there was _something_ wrong!" quoth
Titmouse, as Mr. Clipclose, having brought the sword from the table at
the other end of the room, where he had laid it upon entering, buckled
it upon his distinguished customer.
"I flatter myself that _now_, sir"--commenced he.
"Ya--as--Quite the correct thing! 'Pon my soul--must say--most uncommon
striking!"--exclaimed Titmouse, glancing at his figure in the glass,
with a triumphant smile. "Isn't it odd, now, that this sword should make
all the difference between me and a footman, by Jove?" Here his two
companions were seized with a simultaneous fit of coughing.
"Ah, ha--it's _so_, a'n't it?" continued Titmouse, his eyes glued to the
glass.
"Certainly, sir," replied Mr. Clipclose, "it undoubtedly gives--what
shall I call it? a grace--a finish--a sort of commanding
appearance--especially to a figure that becomes it"--he continued with
cool assurance, observing that the valet understood him. "But--may I,
sir, take so great a liberty? If you are not accustomed to wear a
sword--as I think you said you had not been at court before--I beg to
remind you that it will require particular care to manage it, and
prevent it from getting between"----
"Demme, sir!" exclaimed Titmouse, turning round with an offended
air--"d'ye think I don't know how to manage a sword? By all that's
tremendous"--and plucking the taper weapon out of its scabbard, he
waved it over his head; and throwing himself into the first
position--he had latterly paid a good deal of attention to fencing--with
rather an excited air, he went through several of the preliminary
movements. 'Twas a subject for a painter, and exhibited a very striking
spectacle--as an instance of power silently concentrated, and ready to
be put forth upon an adequate occasion. The tailor and the valet, who
stood separate from each other, and at a safe and respectful distance
from Mr. Titmouse, gazed at him with silent admiration.
When the great day arrived--Titmouse having thought of scarce anything
else in the interval, and teased every one whom he had met with his
endless questions and childish observations on the subject--he drove up,
at the appointed hour, to the Earl of Dreddlington's; whose carriage,
with an appearance of greater state than usual about it, was standing at
the door. On alighting from his cab, he skipped so nimbly up-stairs,
that he could not have had time to observe the amusement which his
figure occasioned even to the well-disciplined servants of the Earl of
Dreddlington. Much allowance ought to have been made for them. Think of
Mr. Titmouse's little knee-breeches, white silks, silver shoe-buckles,
shirt ruffles and frills, coat, bag, and sword; and his hair, plastered
up with bear's grease, parted down the middle of his head, and curling
out boldly over each temple; and his open countenance irradiated with a
subdued smile of triumph and excitement! On entering the drawing-room he
beheld a really striking object--the earl in court costume, wearing his
general's uniform, with all his glistening orders, standing in readiness
to set off, and holding in his hand his hat, with its snowy plume. His
posture was at once easy and commanding. Had he been standing to Sir
Thomas Lawrence, he could not have disposed himself more effectively.
Lady Cecilia was sitting on the sofa, leaning back, and languidly
talking to him; and, from the start which they both gave on Titmouse's
entrance, it was plain that they could not have calculated upon the
extraordinary transmogrification he must have undergone, in assuming
court costume. For a moment or two, each was as severely shocked as when
his absurd figure had first presented itself in that drawing-room. "Oh,
heavens!" murmured Lady Cecilia: while the earl seemed struck dumb by
the approaching figure of Titmouse. That gentleman, however, was totally
changed from the Titmouse of a former day. He had now acquired a due
sense of his personal importance, a just confidence in himself.
Greatness had lost its former petrifying influence over him. And, as for
his appearance on the present occasion, _he_ had grown so familiar with
it, as reflected in his glass, that it never occurred to him that the
case might be different with others who beheld him for the first time.
The candor upon which I pride myself urges me to state, however, that
when Titmouse beheld the military air and superb equipments of the
earl--notwithstanding that Titmouse, too, wore a sword--he felt himself
_done_. He advanced, nevertheless, pretty confidently--bobbing about,
first to Lady Cecilia, and then to the earl; and after a hasty
salutation, observed,--"'Pon my life, my Lord, I hope it's no offence,
but your Lordship _does_ look most remarkable fine." The earl made no
reply, but inclined towards him magnificently--not seeing the meaning
and intention of Titmouse, but being affronted by his words.
"May I ask what your Lordship thinks of _me_? First time I ever appeared
in this kind of thing, my Lord--ha! ha, your Lordship sees!" As he
spoke, his look and voice betrayed the overawing effects of the earl's
splendid appearance, which was rapidly freezing up the springs of
familiarity, if not, indeed, of flippancy, which were bubbling up within
the little bosom of Titmouse, on his entering the room. His manner
became involuntarily subdued and reverential. The Earl of Dreddlington
in plain clothes, and in full court costume, were two very different
persons; though his Lordship would have been terribly mortified if he
had known that any one thought so. However much he now regretted having
offered to take Titmouse to the levee, there was no escape from the
calamity; so, after a few minutes' pause, his Lordship rang the bell,
and announced his readiness to set off. Followed by Mr. Titmouse, the
earl slowly descended the stairs; and when he was within two or three
steps of the hall floor, it distresses me to relate, that his Lordship
suddenly fell nearly flat upon his face, and, but for his servants'
rushing up, would have been seriously hurt. Poor Titmouse had been the
occasion of this dismal disaster; for his sword getting between his
legs, down he went against the earl, who went naturally down upon the
floor, as I have mentioned. Titmouse was not much hurt, but terribly
frightened, and became as pale as death when he looked at the earl; who
appeared a little agitated, but, not having been really injured, soon
recovered a considerable measure of self-possession. Profuse were poor
Titmouse's apologies, as may be supposed; but much as he was distressed
at what had taken place, a glance at the angry countenances with which
the servants regarded him, as if inwardly cursing his stupidity and
clumsiness, stirred up his spirit a little with a feeling of resentment.
He would have given a hundred pounds to have been able to discharge
every one of them on the spot!--
"Sir--enough has been said," quoth the earl, rather coldly and
haughtily, tired of the multiplied apologies and excuses of Titmouse. "I
thank God, sir, that I am not hurt, though at my time of life a fall is
not a slight matter. Sir," continued the earl, bitterly--again
interrupting Titmouse--"_you_ are not so much to blame as your tailor;
he should have explained to you how to wear your sword!" With this,
having cut Titmouse to the very quick, the earl motioned him towards the
door. They soon entered the carriage; the door was closed; and, with a
brace of footmen behind, away rolled these two truly distinguished
subjects to pay their homage to Majesty--which might well be proud of
such homage!--They both sat in silence for some time. At length--"Beg
your Lordship's pardon," quoth Titmouse, with some energy; "but I wish
your Lordship only knew how I _hate_ this cursed skewer that's pinned to
me:" and he looked at his sword, as if he could have snapped it into
halves, and thrown them through the window.
"Sir, I can appreciate your feelings. The sword was not to blame; and
_you_ have my forgiveness," replied the still ruffled earl.
"Much obliged to your Lordship," replied Titmouse, in a somewhat
different tone from any in which he had ever ventured to address his
august companion; for he was beginning to feel confoundedly nettled at
the bitter contemptuous manner which the earl observed towards him. He
was also not a little enraged with himself; for he knew he had been in
fault, and thought of the neglected advice of his tailor. So his natural
insolence, like a reptile just beginning to recover from its long
torpor, made a faint struggle to show itself--but in vain; he was quite
cowed and overpowered by the Presence in which he was, and he wished
heartily that he could have recalled even the few last words he had
ventured to utter. The earl had observed his presumptuous flippancy of
manner, though without appearing to do so. His Lordship was accustomed
to control his feelings; and on the present occasion made some effort to
do so, for fear of alienating Titmouse from him by any display of
offended dignity.
"Sir, it is a very fine day," he observed in a kind manner, after a
stern silence of at least five minutes.
"Remarkable fine, my Lord. I was just going to say so," replied
Titmouse, greatly relieved; and presently they fell into their usual
strain of conversation.
"We must learn to bear these little annoyances calmly," said the earl,
graciously, on Titmouse's again alluding to his mishap;--"as for me,
sir, a person in the station to which it has pleased Heaven to call me,
for purposes of its own, has his peculiar and very grave
anxieties--substantial anx"----
He ceased suddenly. The carriage of his old rival, the Earl of
Fitz-Walter, passed him; the latter waved his hand courteously; the
former, with a bitter smile, was forced to do the same; and then
relapsing into silence, showed that _the iron was entering his soul_.
Thus the earl in his own person afforded a striking illustration of the
truth of the observation which he had been making to Titmouse. Soon,
however, they had entered the scene of splendid hubbub, which at once
occupied and excited both their little minds. Without, was the eager
crowd, gazing with admiration and awe at each equipage, with its
brilliant occupants, that dashed past them:--then the life-guardsmen, in
glittering and formidable array, their long gleaming swords and polished
helmets glancing and flashing in the sunlight. Within, were the tall
yeomen of the guard, in black velvet caps and scarlet uniforms, and with
ponderous partisans, lining each side of the staircase--and who, being
in the exact military costume of the time of Henry the Eighth, forcibly
recalled those days of pomp and pageantry to the well-informed mind of
Mr. Titmouse. In short, for the first time in his life, he beheld, and
was overwhelmed by, the grandeur, state, and ceremony which fence in the
dread approaches to MAJESTY. He was, fortunately, far too much
bewildered and flustered, to be aware of the ill-concealed tittering and
even laughter which his appearance excited, wherever he went. In due
course he was borne on, and issued in due form into the presence
chamber--into the immediate presence of Majesty. His heart palpitated;
his dazzled eye caught a hasty glimpse of a tall magnificent figure and
a throne. Advancing--scarce aware whether on his head or his heels--he
reverently paid his homage--then rising, was promptly ushered out
through a different door; with no distinct impression of anything that
he had witnessed!--'twas all a dazzling blaze of glory--a dim vision of
awe! Little was he aware, poor soul, that the king had required him to
be pointed out upon his approach, having heard of his celebrity in
society; and that he had had the distinguished honor of occasioning to
Majesty a very great effort to keep its countenance. It was not till
after he had quitted the palace for some time, that he breathed freely
again. Then he began to feel as if a vast change had been effected in
him by some mysterious and awful agency--that he was penetrated and
pervaded, as it were, by the subtle essence of royalty--like one having
experienced the sudden, strange, thrilling, potent influence of
electricity. He imagined that now the stamp of greatness had been
impressed upon him; that his pretensions had been ratified by the
highest authority upon earth. 'Twas as if wine had been poured into a
stream, intoxicating the _tittlebats_ swimming about in it!--As for me,
however, seriously speaking, I question whether anything more than an
_imaginary_ change had come over my friend. Though I should be sorry to
quote against him language with which I have reason to believe he was
not _critically_ acquainted, I cannot help expressing an opinion that
Horace must have had in his eye a ROMAN TITMOUSE, when he penned those
bitter lines--
"Licèt superbus ambules pecuniâ
FORTUNA NON MUTAT GENUS.
--Videsne Sacram metiente te Viam
Cum bis ter ulnaram togâ,
Ut ora vertat huc et huc euntium,
Liberrima indignatio?
--'Sectus flagellis hic triumviralibus
Præconis ad fastidium,
Arat Falerni mille fundi jugera,
Et Appiam mannis terit!'"[23]
While Titmouse was making this splendid figure in the upper regions of
society, and forming there every hour new and brilliant connections and
associations--in a perfect whirl of pleasure from morning to night--he
did not ungratefully manifest a total forgetfulness of the amiable
persons with whom he had been so familiar, and from whom he had received
so many good offices, in his earlier days and humbler circumstances. Had
it not, however--to give the devil his due--been for Gammon, (who was
ever beside him, like a mysterious pilot, secretly steering his little
bark amid the strange, splendid, but dangerous seas which it had now to
navigate,) I fear that, with Titmouse, it would have been--out of sight
out of mind. But Gammon, ever watchful over the real interests of his
charge, and also delighted, through the native goodness of his heart, to
become the medium of conferring favors upon others, conveyed from time
to time, to the interesting family of the Tag-rags, special marks of Mr.
Titmouse's courtesy and gratitude. At one time, a haunch of _doe_
venison would find its way to Mr. Tag-rag, to whom Gammon justly
considered that the distinction between buck and doe was unknown; at
another, a fine work-box and a beautifully bound Bible found its way to
good Mrs. Tag-rag; and lastly, a gay guitar to Miss Tag-rag, who
forthwith began twang-twang, tang-a-tang-tanging it, from morning to
night, thinking with ecstasy of its dear distinguished donor; who,
together with Mr. Gammon, had, some time afterwards, the unspeakable
gratification, on the occasion of their being invited to dine at Satin
Lodge, of hearing her accompany herself with her beautiful instrument
while singing the following exquisite composition, for both the words
and air of which she had been indebted to her music-master, a youth with
black mustaches, long dark hair parted on his head, shirt-collars
à-la-Byron, and eyes full of inspiration!
TO HIM I LOVE.
1.
Ah me! I feel the smart
_Affettuosamente._ Of Cupid's cruel dart
Quivering in my heart,
Heigho, ah! whew!
2.
With him I love
Swiftly time would move;
_Allegro._ With his cigar,
And my guitar,
We'd smoke and play
The livelong day,
Merrily, merrily!
Puff--puff--puff,
Tang-a-tang, tang-a-tang?
3.
When he's not near me,
_Adagio, et O! of life I'm weary--
con molto The world is dreary--
espressione._ Mystic spirits of song,
Wreathed with cypress, come along!
And hear me! hear me!
Singing,
Heigho, heigho--
_Teneramente._ Tootle, tootle, too,
A--lackaday!
Such were the tender and melting strains which this fair creature (her
voice a _little_ reedy and squeaking, it must be owned) poured into the
sensitive ear of Titmouse; and such are the strains by means of which,
many and many a Miss Tag-rag has captivated many and many a Titmouse; so
that sentimental compositions of this sort have become deservedly
popular, and do honor to our musical and poetical character as a nation.
I said that it was on the occasion of a dinner at Satin Lodge, that Mr.
Titmouse and Mr. Gammon were favored by hearing Miss Tag-rag's voice,
accompanying her guitar; for when Mr. Tag-rag had sounded Mr. Gammon,
and found that both he and Titmouse would be only too proud and happy to
partake of his hospitality, they were invited. A very crack affair it
was, (though I have not time to describe it)--given on a far more
splendid scale than Mr. Tag-rag had ever ventured upon before. He
brought a bottle of _champagne_ all the way from town with his own
hands, and kept it nice and cool in the kitchen cistern for three days
beforehand; and there was fish, soup, roast mutton, and roast ducks,
roast fowls, peas, cabbage, cauliflowers, potatoes, vegetable marrows;
there was an apple-pie, a plum-pudding, custards, creams, jelly, and a
man to wait, hired from the tavern at the corner of the hill. It had not
occurred to them to provide themselves with champagne glasses, so they
managed as well as they could with the common ones--all but Titmouse,
who with a sort of fashionable recklessness, to show how little he
thought of champagne, poured it out into his _tumbler_, which he
two-thirds filled, and then drank off its contents at a draught! Mr.
Tag-rag trying to disguise the inward spasm it occasioned him, by a very
grievous smile. He and Mrs. Tag-rag exchanged anxious looks; the whole
of their sole bottle of champagne was gone already--almost as soon as it
had been opened!
"I always drink this sort of stuff out of a tumbler; I do--'pon my
life," said Titmouse, carelessly; "it's a devilish deal more pleasant
than sipping it out of wine glasses!"
"Ye-e-s--of course it is, sir," said Mr. Tag-rag, rather faintly.
Shortly afterwards, Titmouse offered to take a glass of champagne with
Miss Tag-rag!--Her father's face flushed; and at length, with a bold
effort, "Why, Mr. Titmouse," said he, trying desperately to look
unconcerned--"the--the fact is, I never keep more than a dozen or so in
my cellar--and most unfortunately I found this afternoon that six
bottles had--burst--I assure you."
"'Pon my soul, sorry to hear it," quoth Titmouse, in a patronizing way;
"must send you a dozen of my own--I always keep about fifty or a hundred
dozen. Oh, I'll send you half a dozen!"
Tag-rag scarcely knew, for a moment, whether he felt pleased or
mortified at this stroke of delicate generosity. Thus it was that
Titmouse evinced a disposition to shower marks of his favor and
attachment upon the Tag-rags, in obedience to the injunctions of Gammon,
who assured him that it continued to be of very great importance for him
to secure the good graces of Mr. Tag-rag. So Mr. Titmouse now drove up
to Satin Lodge in his cab, and then rode thither, followed by his
stylish groom; and on one occasion, artful little scamp! happening to
find no one at home but Miss Tag-rag, he nevertheless alighted, and
stayed for nearly ten minutes, behaving precisely in the manner of an
accepted suitor, aware that he might do so with impunity since there was
no witness present; a little matter which had been suggested to him by
Mr. Gammon. Poor Miss Tag-rag's cheek he kissed with every appearance of
ardor, protesting that she was a monstrous lovely creature; and he left
her in a state of delighted excitement, imagining herself the destined
mistress of ten thousand a-year--the blooming bride of the gay and
fashionable Mr. Titmouse. When her excellent parents heard of what had
that day occurred between Mr. Titmouse and their daughter, they also
looked upon the thing as quite settled, and were eager in their
expressions of gratitude to Providence. In the mean while, the stream of
prosperity flowed steadily in upon Mr. Tag-rag, his shop continuing
crowded; his shopmen doubled in number:--in fact, he at length actually
received, instead of giving payment, for allowing young men to serve a
short time in so celebrated an establishment, in order that they might
learn the first-rate style of doing business, and when established on
their own account, write up over their doors--"Timothy Tape, _late from
Tag-rag & Co., Oxford Street_."
Determined to make hay while the sun shone, he resorted to several
little devices for that purpose, such as a shirt-front with frills in
the shape of a capital "T," and of which, under the name of "_Titties_,"
he sold immense numbers among the Eastern _swells_ of London. At length
it occurred to Gammon to suggest to Titmouse a mode of conferring upon
his old friend and master a mark of permanent, public, and substantial
distinction; and this was, the obtaining for him, through the Earl of
Dreddlington, an appointment as one of the _royal tradesmen_--namely,
draper and hosier to the king. When Mr. Tag-rag's disinterested and
indefatigable benefactor, Gammon, called one day in Oxford Street, and,
motioning him for a moment out of the bustle of his crowded shop,
mentioned the honor which Mr. Titmouse was bent upon doing his utmost,
at Mr. Gammon's instance, to procure for Mr. Tag-rag, that respectable
person was quite at a loss for terms in which adequately to express his
gratitude. Titmouse readily consented to name the thing to the great
man, and urge it in the best way he could; and he performed his promise.
The earl listened to his application with an air of anxiety. "Sir," said
he, "the world is acquainted with my reluctance to ask favors of those
in office. When I was in office myself, I felt the inconvenience of such
applications abundantly. Besides, the appointment you have named,
happens to be one of considerable importance, and requiring great
influence to procure it. Consider, sir, the immense number of tradesmen
there are of every description, of whom drapers and hosiers (according
to the last returns laid before Parliament at the instance of my friend
Lord Goose) are by far the most numerous. All of them are naturally
ambitious of so high a distinction: yet, sir, observe, that there is
only one king and one royal family to serve. My Lord Chamberlain is, I
have no doubt, harassed by applicants for such honors as you have
mentioned."
Hereat Titmouse got startled at the unexpected magnitude of the favor he
had applied for; and, declaring that he did not care a curse for
Tag-rag, begged to withdraw his application. But the earl, with a mighty
fine air, interrupted him--"Sir, you are not in the least presuming upon
your relationship with me, nor do I think you overrate the influence I
may happen--in short, sir, I will make it my business to see my Lord
KO-TOO this very day, and sound him upon the subject."
That same afternoon an interview took place between the two
distinguished noblemen, Lord Dreddlington and Lord Ko-too. Each
approached the other upon stilts. After a display of the most delicate
tact on the part of Lord Dreddlington, Lord Ko-too, who made a mighty
piece of work of it, promised to consider the application.