[Footnote 238: A Winchester quart holds nearly half a gallon.]
[Footnote 239: Nantz brandy.]
_A Preachment on Malt._
[26.] Certain Townsmen of _Prisal_, returning from a merry Meeting at
a certain Ale-House, met in the fields a Preacher, who had lately made
a bitter sermon against Drunkards, and among other opprobrious words,
called them Malt worms. Wherefore they agreed to take him, and by
violence compel him to preach a Sermon, and his text should be MALT.
The Preacher, thinking it better to yield, than contend with them in
their cause, began his Sermon as followeth.
There is no preaching without Division, and this Text cannot well be
divided into many parts, because it is but one word, nor into many
Syllables, because it is but one Syllable. It must therefore be
divided into Letters, and they are found to be four, _viz_ M. A. L. T.
These letters represent four interpretations, which Divines commonly
do use thus. M. Moral, A. Allegorical, L. Literal, T. Tropological.
The Moral Interpretation is well put first, and first to teach
you boysterious Men some good manners, at least, in procuring your
attention to the Sermon; Therefore M. Masters. A. All. L. Listen T. To
the Text.
An Allegory is when one thing is spoken of and another thing meant;
The thing spoken of is Malt, the thing meant is the Oyle of Malt,
commonly call'd Ale, which to you Drunkards is so precious, that you
account it to be M. Meat. A. Ale. L. Liberty. T. Treasure.
The Literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore, so
it is true according to the letters. M. Much. A. Ale. L. Little. T.
Thrift.
The Tropological sence applyeth that which is now to somewhat
following, either in this world, or in the world to come; the thing
that now is, is the effect which Oyl of Malt produceth and worketh in
some of you, _viz_ M. Murther; in others A. Adultery; in all L. Loose
living: in many T. Treason, and that which hereafter followeth in
this world, and in the world to come is M. Misery. A. Anguish. L.
Lamentation. T. Trouble.
I shall now come to a Conclusion, and withal, to perswade you
boysterious men to amend, that so you may escape the danger whereinto
many of you are like to fall, but I have no hopes to prevail, because
I plainly see, and my Text as plainly telleth me, it is M. to A. that
is a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend; because
all Drunkards are L. Lewd. T. Thieves; but yet for discharging my
Conscience and Duty, First towards God, and Secondly towards you my
Neighbours, I say once again, concluding with my Text, M. Mend A. All;
and L. Leave, T. Tippling: otherwise M. Masters, A. All, L. Look for
T. Terrour and Torment.
By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that then were
between Hawk and Buzzard,[F. 240] nearer sleeping than waking, which
the Preacher perceiving, stole away, leaving them to take their nap.
[Footnote 240: In a _doubtful_ condition.]
[82.] An Apprentice in the market, did aske the price of an hundred
Oysters; his friend perswaded him not to buy them, for they were too
small. Too small, reply'd the Prentice, there is not much losse in
that, for I shall have the more to the hundred.
[110.] Maister _Hobson_ being still very good to poore and most
bountyfull to aged people, there came to him usually twice or thrice a
weeke, a silly poore ould blinde man to sing under his window, for the
which he continually gave him twelve pence a time. Maister _Hobson_
having one of his servants so chorlish and withall so covitous that he
would suffer the blind man to come no more, unles he shared halfe his
benefit: the which the blind singing man was forst to give, rather
than loose all: after twice or thrice parting shares, Maister _Hobson_
had thereof intelligence, who consulting with the blind man, served
his servant in this maner; still he looked for halfe whatsoever
he got, so this at last was Maister _Hobsons_ guift, who gave
commaundement that the blind man should have for his singing three
score Jeerkes with a good whippe, and so to be equally parted as the
other guifts were, the which were presently given: the blinde mans
were but easie, but Master _Hobsons_ mans were very sound ones, so
that every Jerke drewe blood; after this he never sought to deminish
his masters bounty.
[4.] Some Gentlemen coming into a Tavern, whose Sign was the _Moon_,
(where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Claret, for which they
were very noted, and had great Custom) called for a bottle of Sack;
whereupon the Drawer told them they had none: At which, they, not a
little admiring,[F. 241] as not knowing the Humour, asked the Drawer
the reason, who told them, _The Man in the Moon drinks Claret_.[F. 242]
The Fancy of which pleased them so that they said they were resolved to
be sociable, and so called for each Man his Bottle to drink their
Brothers Health in the Moon.
[Footnote 241: Wondering.]
[Footnote 242: There was a roystering drinking song with that
title, which is not very scarce; there is one in the Roxburghe
Ballads. (C. 20, f. 7)/298.
"Our man in the moon drinks Clarret,
With powder-beef, turnep, and carret;
If he doth so, why should not you
Drink until the sky looks blew?"
]
[93.] _George_ (_Peele_) once had invited halfe a score of his friends
to a great Supper, where they were passing merry, no cheere wanting,
wine enough, musicke playing: the night growing on, & being upon
departure, they call for a reckoning. _George_ swears there is not a
penny for them to pay. They, being men of good fashion, by no meanes
would yeeld unto it, but every man throwes downe his money, some tenne
shillings, some five, some more: protesting something they will pay.
Well, quoth _George_, taking up all the money; seeing you will be so
wilfull you shall see what shall follow: he commands the musicke to
play, and while they were skipping and dancing, _George_ gets his
Cloake, sends up two Pottles of Hypocrist, and leaves them and the
reckoning to pay. They wondring at the stay of _George_, meant to be
gone: but they were staide by the way, and before they went, forced to
pay the reckoning anew.
[26.] A Vintner being broke, was, it seems, forc'd to set up an Ale
house in the Suburbs, and being askt, why he did discredit himself so
much, to leave off Wine, to sell Beer and Ale? He told him the chief
reason was because he lov'd a Countryman better than a stranger;
for Beer and Ale are my Countrymen, but Wine's a Stranger: but the
Gentleman told him he did not well, for he must make much of any
Stranger that comes within his gates: So will I that, says he, when I
get it within my gates agen; I'll make more of it than I did; nay much
more, because I would not break the Command.
[105.] On a time the Bishop would feast divers French Lords, and hee
gave unto _Peter Achadus_ (_Scogins_ chamber fellow) twenty French
Crownes to bestow at the Poulters, in Feasant, Partridge, Plover,
Quaile, Woodcock, Larke, and such other: and because _Scogins_ chamber
fellow had great business to do, he wrote all such things as he would
have bought in a bill, and desired _Scogin_ to bestow the money, who
was well contented. When _Scogin_ had this money, he imagined in his
mind how hee might deceive some Poulter, and so to have the money to
himselfe. At last hee came to a Poulter in _Paris_, and said, sir, it
is so that my Master the Abbot of _Spilding_ doth feast a great many
of his friends, and I must have so many of every sort of your wares as
is mentioned in this bill, therefore I pray you lay them out quickly,
and let the Bill be prised reasonably, and to morrow in the morning
I will fetch them, and you shall have your money. The wares were laid
out and prized, and the sum came to sixe pound and odde money, then on
the morrow _Scogin_ did come to the Poulter, and asked if everything
were ready. Yea, said the Poulter, and here is your bill reasonably
prized. Then said _Scogin_, let somebody goe with me for to receive
your money: the Poulter said, my wife shal goe with you. _Scogin_
went to _St. Peter's_ Church, where there was a Priest that had on his
Albe, and was ready to goe to Masse: _Scogin_ went to the Priest, and
said, Master, here is a woman that will not bee perswaded that her
Husband ought to be her Head, and I have brought her to you, to the
intent you should perswade her. The Priest said he would doe what he
could. I thanke you, said _Scogin_. Then _Scogin_ came to the woman,
and said, if you will have your money, come to my Master, and hear
what he doth say. Then _Scogin_ came to the Priest, and said Master,
here is the woman, will you dispatch her after Masse is done? Yea,
said the Priest. Then said _Scogin_ to the woman, you heare what my
master doth say, therefore I pray you send me by some token, whereby
I may receive the wares. The woman sent him by a true token, and then
_Scogin_ did hire two porters, and did fetch away all the wares from
the Poulters house, and did carry it to his chamber: when masse was
done, the Priest called the Poulters wife unto him, and asked why she
would not acknowledge her husband to be her head? Why, said the woman,
I cannot tarry to reason of such matters, therefore I pray you to pay
me my money, that I were gone: Wherefore? said the Priest. The woman
said, for wares that your man hath received. What man? said the
Priest. He that spake to you when you went to masse. The Priest
said, he is none of my man, and he said to me, that you would not bee
perswaded that your husband ought to be your head. What, master Abbot,
said the woman, you shal not mock me so, I must have 6 pound & 8
shillings of you for wares that your man hath received, for you
promised to pay me when you went to masse. I am no Abbot, said the
Priest, nor none of my men never received anything of you, nor I
promised nothing when I went to masse, but that I would perswade you
to obey your Husband, who ought to be your head, and so the Priest
went his way. The woman perceiving that shee was deceived, went home
to see if _Scogin_ had received the ware, and he had received them,
and was gone an houre before. Then both she and her husband sought for
Scogin, but they could not find him.
[17.] A Citizen having married a Cockney, and he taking her with him
into the Country, to see his Friends, as they were riding spyed a
Willow tree on which abundance of Wants or Moles were hung: O dear,
says she, Husband, look what a fine Tree here is; I never knew how
they grew till now; for it is a Black Pudding tree.
[82.] A man was very angry with his maid, because his eggs were boyled
too hard; truly, said she, I have made them boyle a long houre, but
the next you have, shall boyle two houres but they shall be tender
enough.
[26.] A Man in a bitter cold Winter night was passing through the
Street, and seeing all a Bed, and no Candle in any Window neither;
then bethought himself of this project; for then he went up and down
crying Fire, Fire, which made several come to the Windows: They askt
him where? where? He told them that he did not know, for if he did, he
would go to't to warm himself; For, says he, I am devilish cold.
The Country-mans new care away.
To the Tune of, _Love will find out the way_.
[Illustration]
If there were imployments [125.]
for men, as have beene,
And Drummes, Pikes and Muskets
in th' field to be seene,
And every worthy Souldier
had truely their pay,
Then might they be bolder
to sing, Care away.
If there were no Rooking,
but plaine dealing used,
If honest Religion
were no wayes abused,
If pride in the Country
did not beare sway,
The Poore and the Gentry
might sing, Care away.
If Farmers consider'd
the dearenesse of graine,
How honest poore Tradesmen
their charge should maintaine,
And would bate the price on't
to sing, Care away
We should not be nice on't
of what we did pay.
If poore Tenants, Landlords
would not racke their rents,
Which oft is the cause of
their great discontents,
If, againe, good house-keeping
in th' Land did beare sway,
The poore that sits weeping
might sing, Care away.
If Spendthrifts were carefull
and would leave their follies,
Ebriety hating
Cards, Dice, Bowling-Alleyes,
Or with wantons to dally
by night or by day,
Their wives might be merry,
and sing, Care away.
If Children to Parents
would dutifull be,
If Servants with Masters
would deale faithfully,
If Gallants poore Tradesmen
would honestly pay,
Then might they have Comfort
to sing, Care away.
There is no contentment
to a conscience that's cleare,
That man is most wretched
a bad mind doth beare,
To wrong his poore Neighbour
by night or by day,
He wants the true comfort
to sing, Care away.
But he that is ready
by goodnesse to labour,
In what he is able
to helpe his poore Neighbour,
The Lord will ever blesse him
by night and by day,
All ioyes shall possesse him
to sing, Care away.
Would wives with their husbands,
and husbands with wives
In love and true friendship
would so lead their lives,
As best might be pleasing
to God night and day,
Then they with hearts easing
might sing, Care away.
No crosse can be greater
unto a good mind,
Than a man to be matched
with a woman unkind,
Whose tongue is never quiet
but scolds night and day,
That man wants the comfort
to sing, Care away.
A Vertuous woman
a husband that hath,
That's given unto lewdnesse,
to envy and wrath,
Who after wicked women
does hunt for his prey,
That woman wants comfort
to sing, Care away.
Like true subiects loyall,
to God let us pray,
Our good king so Royall,
to preserve night and day:
With the Queen, Prince and Nobles,
the Lord blesse them aye,
Then may we have comfort
to sing, Care away.
[82.] There was a lusty young Scholler preferred to a Benefice in the
Country, and commonly on Sundayes and holy dayes after evening prayer
hee would have a dozen bouts at cudgels with the sturdiest youths in
his parish: The Bishop of the Diocesse hearing of it, sent for the
parson, telling him this beseemed not his profession and gravity, and
if that he did not desist from that unmeet kind of exercise, hee
would unbenefice him. Good my Lord, (said the Parson) I beseech you
to conceive rightly of mee, and I doubt not but my playing at cudgels
will be counted tollerable; for I doe it of purpose to edifie the
ruder sort of my people. How so, said the Bishop. Marry, my Lord,
(quoth the Parson) whatsoever I do teach them at morning and evening
prayer, I doe beat soundly into their heads with cudgels afterward,
for their better remembrance.
[94.] He that buys a Horse in _Smithfield_, and does not look upon
him with a pair of Spectacles, before he buys him, makes his Horse and
himself a pair of sorrowful Spectacles for others to look at.
[110.] Upon a time Maister _Hobson_ lying in saint Albones, there came
certaine musitions to play at his chamber doore, to the intent as they
filled his eares with their musicke, he should fil their purses with
mony: whereupon he bad one of the servants of the Inne (that waited
upon him) to goe and tell them that hee could not then indure to
heare their musicke for he mourned for the death of his mother, so the
musitians disapoynted of their purpose went sadly all away. The fellow
heard him speake of mourning, asked him how long agoe it is since
he buried his mother; truely (quoth maister _Hobson_) it is now very
neare forty yeares agoe. The fellow understanding his subtilty, and
how wittily he sent away the musitians, laughed very hartely.
[52.] On a Winters evening a Country husband man went to fetch his
wives kine home to milk, and driving them into the back side, hee
forgot to shut the gate, and hee comes into the house, sits him down
by the fire side. The kine finding the gate open, ranne trotting and
lowing downe the durty lane, toward the field, and the mans daughter
looking forth at the doore and seeing them, cries out to her mother,
Faith my father is a fine man, I think the kine are gone to the
devill, shall I goe after them? No (quoth her mother) daughter, you
are too forward: Let your father goe, he's fitter, he has his hie
shoone on.
_A Song._
Sir _Francis_, Sir _Francis_, Sir _Francis_ his Son, [121.]
Sir _Robert_ and eke Sir _William_ did come,
And eke the good Earl of _Southampton_
March't on his way most gallantly;
And then the Queen began to speak,
Youre welcome home Sir _Francis Drake_.
Then came my Lord Chamberlain, and with his white staffe,
And all the people began for to laugh.
_The Queen's Speech._--
Gallants all of British bloud,
Why do ye not saile on th' Ocean flood?
I protest ye'are not all worth a Philberd
Compared with Sir Humphrey Gilberd.
_The Queen's Reason._
For he walkt forth in a rainy day,
To the new-found Land he took his way,
With many a gallant fresh and green;
He never came home agen.[F. 243] God bless the Queen.
[Footnote 243: Sir _Humphrey Gilbert_ was half-brother to Sir
_Walter Raleigh_, and was a famous navigator of Elizabeth's
reign. In 1583 he took possession of Newfoundland, but his
ship foundered on the voyage home, 9th September 1584.]
[82.] A Justice of the Peace was very angry with a country yeoman,
because hee came not to him at his first sending for him; and after
he had bountifully bestowed two or three dozen of knaves upon him, hee
said to him, Sirrah, I will make you know that the proudest knave that
dwels under my command shall come before mee when I send for him. I
beseech your worship said the man, to pardon mee, for I was afraid:
afraid of what? said the Justice. Of your worship answered the fellow.
Of mee? said the Justice, why wast thou afraid of mee? Because
your worship lookes so like a Lyon, said the man. A Lyon? quoth the
Justice, when didst thou see a Lyon? May it please your worship
(the fellow replyde) I saw a Butcher bring one but yesterday to
_Colebrooke_ market, with a white face and his foure legs bound.
This fellow was a knave, or foole, or both,
Or else his wit was of but slender growth:
He gave the white fac'd _Calfe_ the Lyons stile,
The Justice was a proper man the while.
[4.] One that was Born in the Parish of S^t Giles Cripplegate said:
When I dye, I'll be Buried in Cripple Church Yard, an't please God I
live.
[26.] A Notable Fellow, that, as 'tis said would not be drunk above
seven days in the week; and when he was drunk was so besotted that he
knew not what he did. Once his Prentice was sent by his Wife to fetch
him home, and when he found him out, he found him reeling ripe also.
And as they came down _Ludgate Hill_, in a Moon-shiny night, saw the
reflection of the Bell-Savage sign post upon the ground, and it seems
took it for a Block, and went to lift his Leg over it, his Prentice
having him by the Arm for his supporter, askt what he meant by that?
Why, says he, to go over this Block. He told him 'twas not a Block.
What is it then? says he. 'Tis a Sign, says the Boy. What Sign, I
prithee? Why Master 'tis a Sign you are drunk.
[17.] One who was deep in debt, and forced to keep within all day for
fear of Serjeants and Bailiffs would yet at night adventure abroad
in some back Lanes and Alleys. Passing one night through the Butchers
Shambles, going in hast, one of the Tenter Hooks catcht hold of his
cloak. He thinking it had been a Serjeant which had thus shoulder
clapt him, looking back, said, _At whose Suit I pray you?_
[105.] When _Scogin_ should ride home againe, his bootes were nought,
and hee could not tell what shift to make. At last he devised what he
might doe: whereupon he sent his man for a shoo-maker to bring him a
paire of Bootes. The shoo-maker brought the bootes, and when hee had
pulled on the right foot boote, and was pulling on the other boot,
Scogin said, it was marvellous strait, and that it did pinch his leg:
wherefore hee prayed him to carry it home, and set it on the laste an
houre or two: for (quoth he) I have a thing to write that will hold
mee two houres, and all that time I will sit and write, & keepe this
other boote on my leg still untill that be ready. The shoomaker tooke
the boot and went home, as Scogin had bidden him. When the shoo maker
was gone, hee sent his man for another shoo maker, and caused one to
pull off the boot which the first shoo maker had pulled on. When the
other shoo maker was come, _Scogin_ caused him to pull on the left
boot, and when hee was pulling on the right foot boot, _Scogin_ found
fault with it, as he did with the first shoo maker, and sent him away
in like sort. When he was gone, hee caused his man to make ready their
horses, and hee pulled on the boot againe, which the first shoo maker
had left behinde him, and so he rode away with the two bootes of
two shoo makers: shortly after, the shoomakers came and enquired for
_Scogin_, but hee and his man were gone, almost an houre before.
[82.] Two Playsterers being at worke for mee at my house in
Southwarke, did many times patch and dawbe out part of their dayes
labour with prating, which I, being digging in my garden did over
heare that their chat was of their wives, and how that if I were able
(quoth one) my wife should ride in pompe through London, as I saw a
Countesse ride yesterday. Why, quoth the other, how did shee ride I
pray? Marry, said hee, in state, in her _Horslitter_. O base, quoth
the other, _Horslitter_: I protest as poore a man as I am, I would
have allowed my wife a three-peny trusse of cleane Straw.
[26.] _Henry Martin_ the great Rumper, for you know all Martins are
Birds, and he being so, flew so high before; but after the King's most
happy Restauration, was brought so low, as to kneel at the Bar of the
Lord's House; though 'tis thought he never came into the Lords House
before, unless it were to see a handsome Girl there. But at the Lords
Bar he was askt what he could say, that Judgment should not pass upon
him? My Lords, says he, I understood that the King's Proclamation
extended to favour of life, upon rendring myself, which I then did.
And, withal, my Lords, I do let you to know, and I do ingeniously
confess it, that I never obey'd any of his Majesty's Proclamations
before, but this; and I hope I shall not be hang'd for taking the
King's word now.
[94.] One sitting by the Fire to take Tobacco, said the Fire was his
friend, and presently spit into it: To which one replied, You do not
well to quench your friends love by spitting in his face.